Day 359: Talk is cheap, love is real

It's been almost a full year since I started my official open journey with myself and my eating issues, my weight issues, my life issues.  It's been 174 days since my last post and as I go back and ready that last post I came to a conclusion...talk is cheap.  I made a lot of statements in that post that rang very true and are still true to this day, but I also made some commitments, some of which I carried out and worked well....others, never started or failed soon after initial attempts were made.  I promised not to be a stranger, to keep myself accountable and to post regularly so that I had a way to process.  I failed at that, in epic proportions.  I did process, with those in my life, but I didn't put down what was plaguing me and what I was dealing with on a daily basis.  I have struggled, in so many different ways and as I look at my life, I know that my reality is that this will never change.  I will always struggle.  I have started quite a few different posts over the last few months, but deleted every one of them, some of them in my mind and some of them on paper.  I have thought about so many different aspects of my weight that are hurtful, bothersome, uncomfortable and bring anger to my life.  My reality is that I can't change the past, I can't change how others have treated or hurt me.  I can process through it, I can seek reconciliation, I can seek healing and change in my own life.  My expectations of others and situations continue to plague me, unrealistic is an understatement.

What I do know...love is real.  Love from my man, my family, my friends, my community...that has not changed.  I am in awe of their ability to love in spite of everything, in spite of me gaining weight and reaching an all time high of 303 pounds.  I am in awe of their ability to encourage me as I promise to take better care of myself.  They don't hound me, they don't criticize, they don't fault me.  They love my humanity.  They know that my heart is bigger than my stomach and that my capacity for love is what at times drives my appetite for food and for life.  That as I struggle through the drastic changes in my professional life this year, I have eaten those unfortunate and hurtful transitions.  That I have again made the commitment to others and not to myself.  In my last post I faulted myself greatly for what a disgusting excuse for a human being I was because I could't figure out how to take care of myself.  But I realized something over the last 6 months, that I care more about my heart and my capacity for love and life than I care for the capacity that my jeans have to hold my body.  So...I gained weight...it came back...

Endurance is something I have though...I may give up for periods of time...but my drive and desire will inevitably resurface and this time it's because of my capacity for love.  I desire to love my family, to support my family and to be an example for my family.  Not just physically, but emotionally.  I want to be an example for them in how I communicate, in how I love, in the choices I make, in the places I go and how I live my life as a whole.  I want to see one of my immediate family members be cured of her disease, I want to be an example for her, that she can overcome, that she can do it, that she can step over that threshold and take charge of her life and her destiny.  I want my other family member to continue to seek healing for her broken heart for her years of childhood pain that plague her into her adult life.  I want to see her return to her former glory, to love herself enough to come back fully in her role in our lives.  I want to see an extended family that is broken over the pain they have endured at the hands of a dying mother, to be reconciled and healed.

All of these things are possible.  What do we need?  LOVE, HONESTY, COMPASSION, COMMUNICATION.  So many of life's issues could be solved using these four words and the actions that follow.

Now what does this all have to do with my weight?  Everything.  I have come to a few more conclusions as I struggle through this journey.  I don't have control.  I don't do well with free choice.  I hate transition, it's hard.  So...I've started with a new plan.  I have started a new system.  It comes with controlled choice.  It comes with amazing helpful and supportive people that are personable, that have my phone number and seek to be in relationship with me.  I started Advocare in October, right before Halloween.  I figured that if I could survive through the holiday season and not gain weight, I could make it.  I have done just that.  I have lost 20 pounds and 23 inches since starting this system just before Halloween.  If offers me things I need to succeed and these people believe that I can reach my goal in a just over a year, which has never been something I though possible.  I discovered that on weight watchers, while I was successful, it left me with limitless free choice.  If you want to save all your points and eat chocolate cake, you can.  I know myself well enough now that I don't do well with free choice.  I will always choose what is comforting to me in I have the choice and it's the overdosing of those choices that led me to 303 pounds.  Yowza!  So, while WW works for others, I realized it wasn't for me.  I did extensive research on Advocare and talked to lots of different people before deciding to commit and even then, I was skeptical.  But again, I believe...and this time I NEED this to work for me...because I need to pave this road for myself and for others.  I have people in my life who need this...to cure pain and disease.  I want to be the example, but first and foremost I want to succeed for me.  This plan is re-training my body to desire food that feeds my body and I haven't felt sad to lose things or walk away.  I have said good-bye to Diet Coke.  I have been drinking Diet Coke since I was in the womb.  I was a 6-8 can a day kinda girl.  Over the last year it has caused me quite a bit of pain in the form of acid reflux.  I have been Diet Coke/soda free since beginning Advocare and I haven't had heartburn or reflux even once.  I feel cured, free from that bond that has had a hold of me my whole life.

I have yet to integrate regular work outs into my regime, but I want to rebuild muscle.  I never returned to boxing, like promised.  I let that Groupon waste away in my purse.  I am working my way towards P90X.  I have the system, I've done all the workouts, but now I need to do them regularly and with some kind of persistence to get the results I want.  Time...it's what I have given myself as a gift.  Transformation doesn't happen tomorrow, or the next day, but over time.  Habits don't change over night, they change over time.

Being fit, staying a foodie, it's what I still desire for my life.  My roller coaster hasn't stopped, I haven't gotten off.  I don't know if I ever will.  I think the car I am in has magical powers though as it has the ability to jump tracks and I am seemingly unharmed (at least in the physical sense).  My roller coaster takes different focus as obstacles are thrown my way.  I'm ok with that.  The straight and narrow is boring, that's not me.  I thrive on the ups and downs.  They bring change and growth, something that is absolutely necessary in the life I lead, the lives we all lead.

Thank you to those of you who have never stopped loving me, who listen to my cheap talk and encourage, support and love me anyway.  I know you will continue to do so, because I know your hearts and you know mine.  I have so many other topics that I have started and stopped this year because of fear, transition, failure, conflict....they are coming....they still plague my thoughts and my heart.

Here is a photo update for you all that shows my progression since October when I again grabbed my health by the horns...

Day 185: Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....

My body is an distorted hideous and unloveable shape right now. I'm bloated and fat again in all the wrong places.  This statement is why you haven't heard from me in 67 days.  How do I live with myself?  How do I continue to fail?  How do I let my emotions send me into a tailspin and then convince myself that I should just stay down for awhile instead of fighting my way back up?

Disappointment.  I had a quick conviction and went on a "no-carb" for 30 days stint.  I made it a few weeks and did pretty well, but then I left myself go.  I gave myself reasons to say YES to every request that came my way, to every food ritual invite, to every extra hour of work and in turn gave my emotions and my brain the NO.  No I won't take care of you, no I won't get enough sleep, no I will not work out, no I will not heed your cry to stop consuming the copious amounts of carbs, sugar and caffeine I dumped into my body.  So with my disappointment in myself came embarrassment and then retreat.  I retreated from this blog, from my WW meetings, from my accountability and from my schedule of all things healthy.

I don't know what to say, I know I don't need to apologize to bloggerville, but I need to apologize to myself.  The only person I hurt in my failures is myself.  My friends still love me, my man still holds me and no one has disowned me or told me what a fat disgusting pig I have become.  I'm the only one who wants to disown me and call myself those nasty names.  So...I'm sorry Alison.  I'm sorry I let you down.  I'm sorry that in your 31st year of life, you continue to ride this roller coaster of weight gain and loss.  I'm sorry that you allow your emotions to control what jumps into your mouth.

I need a reality check.  I've been doing some processing and trying to figure out why this happens, what is it that gets the best of me?  How come I keep standing in my own way?  I realized that when I started to let myself spiral down instead of fighting through the doubt and setbacks, was around day 130 when I was invited to come share my story at my alma matter, SPU.  I was asked to speak on suicide, to help educate others with my experience.  It was draining, I relived the day my brother died, the days before he died and the 9 years that have come after.  What have I gone through?  How have I been supported?  What have you learned from this experience?  What do you want to share with others.  I cried, I sobbed, I poured my life out.  It took awhile to recover from that.  It's been awhile since I went that deep and I had never relived that experience in front of a group of people.  Death never leaves us, it lives as a whole the shape of that person in our hearts.  Nothing can ever fill it, replace it, only one person is that shape and size.  So I experience grief, death and mourning as part of my daily life.  But extreme and deep emotional episodes are spread farther apart as life continues moving.  I am stunned when they come around and I use them as an excuse to cope with food.  If someone asked me to write a book on coping with food, it would be a best seller.

I've been trying to figure out what will keep me on track.  What workout have I stayed committed to longer than 4 months?  What type of accountability do I need?  What food regime works best for me?  I know a few things and I'm going to stick with those for now.  I love hitting things, I love kicking things.  I love boxing.  I trained to be a competitive kick boxer for over a year and a half and in the end my work schedule and the commute to my boxing gym refused to work with each other, so I left it behind to succeed at work and take things to the next level.  I'm at a place now where I can take some steps back from the intense work regime I have kept over the last 6 years, so I want to box again.  I found a gym that is close to me and their schedule works with mine.  And to top it all off, I got a Groupon that will get me my first 10 sessions for cheap!  I need accountability, so I have schemed up with one of my favorite people for some email accountability in the form of honest question asking.  We come up with the questions and it's the other persons job to ask us those questions on a weekly basis.  This way I am honest with myself and with another person about where I'm at and what I'm doing to keep myself in line.  Knowing that the other person is there to support me no matter what.  My food intake is something I need to get ahold of.  I know that strict deprivation is not a good idea for me. I know that strictly abstaining from certain food groups only makes me want them more and as a result I cheat.  I don't want to cheat myself.  I want to succeed.

All of these things I've said before, I want change, I want a better life for myself.  I said it when I started this blog and I'm sure that this won't be the last time I say that.  I need to be ok with saying NO, saying YES has always come so easy to me.  I'm always willing to put in extra time and go the extra mile, that's what's gotten me this far in life.  If I put as much YES into myself as I do other things and other people, I'd be a frickin super model by now.  Cindy Crawford here I come!

I promise not to be a stranger, this is therapeutic for me and I need to remember that.

Day 118: I've got a golden chance to make my way!!!

Cause I've got the golden ticket!!

I do have the chance....a chance to start new and fresh and get my ass in gear.

I don't have answers to all of the questions I asked in my last post.  I continue to seek, I continue to ask why, I continue to learn about my shortcomings and how I can overcome them.  How do I do this?  How can I be successful?  How can I move forward and stay consistent?  

I need again to show myself and prove to myself that I have the stamina, the ability to stay in it to win it.  I am so good at getting a jump start and losing some initial weight and getting some good habits going and them I totally blow it.  I lose myself, I lose my motivation and I find ways to make excuses.  I started this blog to hold myself accountable, to share my journey.  Unfortunately the accountability isn't there, but the journey is present.  This is the part of the journey where it's ugly.  My warts show as well as my stretch marks.  Yuck!

So here's what I've determined for now.  I'm gonna take some help and some inspiration from someone else.  I need to break some habits.  I need to free myself from some of the food bonds that chain me to this lard filled body.  I have a friend, a smart/beautiful/no bull sh** woman that I know that has started a blog this year as well.  Challenging herself to stay committed to things for 30 days at a time.  Here's a link to her blog, it's great, read it!  http://challenged30daysatatime.blogspot.com 

I've been thinking about what I need, it's a challenge that I can tackle.  I love rewards, I love being rewarded and I love rewarding myself with food.  I want to reward myself with other things.  I want to change that way of thinking....away from food and into a era of self care.  For every challenge I can complete and for every 10 pounds I lose, I get to do something to take care of myself.  Things I love to do that I would consider a reward....pedicure, massage, spa treatment, new shoe purchase or home purchase.  

Now let's talk about things I love that have gotten me into the mess over and over and over.  Nothing is a bigger vice for me than fresh french bread and good salted butter.  I could eat an entire loaf of crusty fresh french bread and butter on a daily basis.  You might see me on my own reality show "The One Ton Woman" if I allowed myself to do that, so I refrain...most of the time.  Mashed potatoes with butter, cream, sea salt and fresh cracked pepper.  Ummmmm.....probably the best thing since sliced bread...literally, my number two behind fresh sliced crusty french bread.  I want to overcome the need I have for heavy fat filled carbs.  I want to view them in a healthy way, minimal.  That is something I have never been able to do.  I'm going to overcome my carb crazed brain.

I want to seek to do this for longer than 30 days, hopefully a lifetime.  I don't want to completely cut out carbs, but for the first few months, I need to drastically reduce my intake.  I know that it will make my body feel better and provide some health benefits.  There are carbs in almost everything.  I want to cut out carbs in terms of grains and starches.  So breads, rice, tortillas (ahhhh!! mexican food), potatoes, crackers and things along those lines.  I am going to limit my intake for the first two months to one serving a week.  Normally I would consider a serving to be all the grains and starches that come with a meal, but I really want to limit it to a single serving  (2 slices of bread, 2 tortillas, 1 cup of rice, 1 cup of potatoes).  This should be too difficult for me, because I love meat, I love veggies, I love fruit.

My other challenge and concern is going to be in terms of activity right now.  I need to get going.  I just got a bike.  My goal is going to be to ride to work when it's sunny out.  I haven't tested it yet because I still don't have a helmet, but I predict that I could ride to work in 30 minutes on the trail that runs from my house to Ballard.  That's the same time it takes me to drive to work with a stop for coffee.  If I cut out the coffee (money saver) and don't drive (money saver) I will be gaining in all sorts of ways.  Besides the bike, I need to walk.  I have decided that with our current financial situation, I won't be a the pool.  It's too expensive for us right now with our current bills and the goals we have.  So, I'm going to focus on free cardio.  If we have a weekly walking date, WE ARE BACK ON!!!!!  This week, we are on.

I am almost 4 months into this journey and I haven't posted a weight loss or a photo in the last almost two months.  I'm embarrassed by that, I want that to change.  So, my challenges will start May 1.  In my perfect world, before summer camp started on June 25th I would be back to where I left off in terms of weight loss and it would be a miracle from above if I was even beyond that.

So here we go....wish me luck.  Bread, butter, potatoes, cream.....boy am I going to miss you.  But I think our relationship is about to change for the better.  I will still love and appreciate you, but I don't want to sedate myself with your goodness.

Day 114: When it knocks you down, just get back up if it knocks you down

I'm still down, not out, but down.  I'm still in avoidance mode, it seems to be working.  I've avoided the fact that my clothes are getting tight, I've avoided the fact that I'm finding it easy to say "no" to people who ask me to workout.  "I just can't" seems to be my phrase of choice.  I'm not even bothering to make up an excuse, I just can't.  I don't feel like I'm gorging myself, I'm not eating the best way I can, but I haven't gone off the deep end.  I was on a trip last week with middle schoolers and was at the mercy of some theme park eating, but I didn't go crazy.  I didn't feel well enough to each much most days.  I moved a lot last week, but it was harder to move.  My stomach has been pissed off for the last few weeks.  I've been pumping it full of caffeine and sugar to keep myself awake and eating at odd times of the day.  Not enough sleep and not enough water.  I don't blame my body for being pissed.  My legs swelled to size of tree trunks and I got a serious case of the heat rash on my legs while we were in Florida.  So most of my down time has been spent with my legs in the air above my heart to bring the swelling down to my normal size.  Ugh.  Tired of my ailments and complaints yet?  I am.

I have no one to blame but myself in this.  I made these choices, I dug this hole, only I can get myself out.  My man continues to do really well.  He hasn't given into his wallowing and temptation.  He is still eating well, I am cooking most of his "well" food and he is losing weight.  The difference is....I snack and I don't move.  He works out 5 days a week for over an hour and I'm a slug.  So what's the solution?  A cleanse?  Starvation?  Insanity workouts for 100 days straight?  Fat Camp?  Apply for the Biggest Loser?  Sleep for a month and hopefully wake up skinnier?  All seem tempting, pros, cons, craziness, logic....but nothing seems like it will work.

How do I break the crap food habit?  How do I break the snacker habit?  How come it's easy to say no to working out, but when people offer me food, I always say yes?  How do I break the roller coaster?  I think the answer to that question lies inside another question....How do you find perfect balance in life?  Uhhhhhh......you frickin don't!  How do I learn to put my health before the needs of others?  I feel like that is a question I will ask myself as long as I'm on this earth.  I feel heavy hearted by so many things and it makes my issues of fatness seem trivial.  There are such bigger issues in this life, in the life I have right in front of me without even addressing the global issues in this life.  I allow myself to be consumed by the these issues, these needs and I contemplate what I can do, what I NEED to do to help, to make things better.  I don't see what's bad about that, except that I stay fat, even get fatter.

How do I get ahead?  I help others move forward.  I'll do anything I can to help others succeed to make something of themselves.  I want that.  I want to move forward consistently, not feel like for every 1 step forward, I take 3 steps in backwards, sideways and diagonal.  I work three jobs, THREE jobs people.  I do this because I want a comfortable life, I want to be ahead, I want to do ALL the things I love at the same time.  I want to change lives, be an amazing chef, a real estate guru, the best friend, the dream wife, the best boss you've ever had....

I'm frustrated with myself.  Have you been there?  I'm sure you have.  I couldn't be happier with the work I'm doing to change lives.  I have been shown 100 fold lately how I am impacting lives and families.  It feels amazing.  I feel amazing inside my soul.  I feel amazing about my ability to love, my ability to walk with people through all aspects of their life.  I don't ever want to change that.  I always want to feel the change I am making in the lives of others.  But I'm still frustrated.

So....goals.  The least I can do at this point is make goals.  I'm not weighing in and sharing my failures at this point.  So I can share goals and then share when I succeed!  Right?  The power of positive thinking.

1)  Drink 3 of my giant starbucks cups full of water a day
2)  Move 3-4 times a week.  I was just gifted a bike.  I've contemplated seeing how long it takes to bike to work.
3)  Sleep 8 hours a night  (I'm bringing this goal back)
4)  Reduce my intake of sugar, caffeine and carbs

I need to do something.  I need to make myself a priority.

Day 101: Oh brother, where art thou

I've never seen that movie, but I do like me some George Clooney and I constantly ask where my brother is, why isn't he here?  I have been struggling...I wish that weren't the case.  I wish I had lots of funny anecdotes for you and stories about me peeing on towels in my bedroom.  Ok, that did happen, but I will have to give the story at another time, something for you to look forward to I'm sure.

I've been struggling, I've been sabotaging and I've been avoiding you.  I've been avoiding being honest with myself, with my failures and my setbacks.  I've been avoiding admitting to myself that I allow grief and stress to take me over, to take over my new healthy habits and my new routine.  Sadly, my old routine has taken over, not to the most extreme extent, but bad enough.  I feel stagnant, I feel stuck.  I wish I could say I don't want to eat crap, but right now, I do.  I need to WANT to stop sabotaging, to stop struggling.

I lost my brother 9 years ago this last Tuesday, I live in the grief and anguish of that reality every day of my life.  At times my grief overwhelms me, it causes me to fall down and not want to get back up.  I'm there right now.  I've fallen, I don't want to get back up.  Why?  Why should I?  More than anything I want to be pain free, I want to live a life free of all pain and sadness.  But I know that life doesn't exist here on earth, so what do I do?  I get up.  I have to, even if I don't want to.

Death is senseless at times, my brother's death was senseless, my friend's baby's death was senseless, my friends fathers death was senseless...there are so many examples of senseless death in this life.  God doesn't cause death, he doesn't want babies to die, he doesn't want sons, daughter, brothers, sisters, mothers or fathers to die.  He wants life, He gave us life.  I heard an amazing message this Easter Sunday.  The message was that the resurrection doesn't change the circumstances in our lives, it changes how we view the circumstances in our lives.  Bad things will continue to happen to good people, death will continue to happen, however senseless and unfair it may seem.  But that is not the end.  The worst thing that happened is never the last thing....  There is always something beyond the evil and the unjust.  You may never know how far off that thing is, but it's there.  You may continue to wail, to grieve, to curse, to fight, to ask why? for what seems like eternity...and you will never be alone in that.  I know that I am not alone in those times.  No amount of good things that happen will every completely wash away those wails, that grief, those questions.  My father describes it as a hole that is shaped like my brother, that now forever lives in our hearts.  Nothing can fill it, because nothing is my brother.  We seek to appease the hole with memories, by making choices and doing things in life that are characteristic of my brother, that are him.  The hole never fills...it just hurts less as our heart uses those around us to heal the edges of that hole, until we are "comfortable" living with it.

I'm struggling.  I've gained weight.  I want to get back up.  I want to.  I will.

I was hoping again to be a much different place at this point, but I'm not.  I have the ability to do all things under the sun, I have the ability to do this.  I will.  Have faith in me.  I need faith in myself.

Pain is hard, grief is hard...it causes us to wallow, to get lost.  Thank you to all of you who have loved me harder this week in the midst of my pain, you help heal the sides of my Bret Kyle sized hole.  Thank you for loving me, for loving him if you do.

The love of friends, the love of family, the love of my beloved Keystoners, my five new summer dresses and my two new pair of neon Nike's...it's gonna get me out of bed tomorrow.  It's going to help me start walking again, to start swimming again and to start eating well again.

I need to live the life Bret Kyle didn't get to.  I need to be Brave.  I will, I promise you, I will.

Day 90: Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Is that how you feel?  Have you missed me the past 13 days?  We passed the entire 80s in terms of days and went straight to 90.  Wow.  3 months have passed since the journey began and I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be, but thankfully, that was to be expected and I will take that for what it is and continue moving forward.  I know you all expected more from me and I expected more from myself at this point, but so much life has happened and that is the reality of this journey.  It's fricking hard!

Proud to report that the man and I did pretty good while we were gone.  We didn't OVER-indulge, but we did indulge a bit.  We did quite a bit of walking, but no "official" work outs were had as there wasn't time for them.  I slept a total of about 24 hours over the course of the 6 day trip and it was emotional and amazing at the same time.  I was so proud of my teens and all they put into the trip.  They were engaged and set an amazing precedent for their peers and their leadership was something I was very proud of.  I was definitely intaking a lot of caffeine in those 6 days as I predicted and I haven't come back down off of that intake level...yet.  My goal this week is to step back up my water intake and get back on track with working out.

I arrived back in town around midnight on Monday and spent the rest of the week trying to catch up from being gone.  It was a long week and I didn't get any extra sleep or extra time off, I went right back to work to get stuff done.  Took a few things off my list which felt good, but eating this week took a dive.  I didn't weigh in, I didn't make it to weight watchers and I didn't do a single workout.  Ugh.  I need to make myself a priority again.  I need to focus on focus on what I'm doing and turn the focus back on my body and my health.  I haven't given up, though I've been absent from the blog, so don't give up on me!  I need a plan for the next few weeks before I have to leave again.  I have exactly 14 days before I leave on another trip with kids where I will be set up to eat horribly once again.  So, it will be up to ME and ME ALONE to get myself on track before I leave so that the clothes I want to wear will fit while on the trip and so that my fat ass will fit on all the rides I want to go on with my kids.  This too will prove to be a week where there will be small amounts of sleep and lots of caffeine will be needed to stay functional.  I will need to hydrate and workout like a crazy woman in these next 14 days so that I can give myself a head start on this difficult week.

The emotional ride of my life has not stopped since my last post.  I have encountered more deep pain, grief and joy in the last two weeks.  I had the experiences I spoke of in my last post before I left on our trip.  There was more to follow. The emotions expressed and the experiences that were had in those 6 days were tremendous and they made my deep love for my teens grow even deeper if that is possible.  I was given the top honor at this BGCA teen conference.  I was named the Boys & Girls Clubs of America National Keystone Advisor of the Year.  This is a huge deal and not something I ever expected would happen to me.  I feel so incredibly blessed and share this award with my teens.  It truly is because of them that I get out of bed every day and the reason I work as hard as I do.  This was like someone giving me an award that says I do the best job and loving my teens and doing so much for them.  I would do it anyway, but the award felt amazing and I have spent the week reeling in the excitement.  It was a huge deal not only for me, but for our Club and for our County.  I feel so blessed to able to share this with them.

So because I'm awesome, I ate.  You all know how much I love to eat to celebrate myself.  I celebrated by eating all of my favorite foods this week.  All the more reason for me to get back on track.  I got back from this trip, spent the week working, catered a bridal shower yesterday and didn't really get any good rest or time to contemplate life until today.  We are headed into one of the busiest weeks we have a work, REGISTRATION for summer and school year.  Ahhhhh!  Crazy parents are on the rise and A LOT of organization and input into the computer.

All this aside, I need to focus on fruits, veggies, proteins, water and workouts.  I will be doing just that and looking for some support and inspiration.  So if you are on my workout list, we are ON this week.  My goal is do mainly cardio walking though. I don't know that I have funding or the time to get to the pool, so I will be walking as much as possible and throwing in some small weights and abs at home.

I hope to have some numbers to report next week....until then, revel in the glory of my shiny plaque.  I am normally fairly humble and have been caught off guard by the overwhelming excitement and accolades I have received from this award.  But damn it, I'm proud and if I was going to pat myself on the back, this would be the place.

Wishing my plaque came with magical weight loss pills....but it didn't.  Back to the journey...back to the grind.

Day 77: Over the river and through the woods

Let's get right to business!  I have been out of cell service and internet range for the last 3 days and had a hell of a week last week which is been my delay in updating you all.  I did weigh in, however it wasn't at my weight watchers meeting like I had planned, it was at home the following day.  Wednesday was one of the most emotional days I have had in a LONG time and a series of unexpected events kept me reeling all day long.

First things first...

Current Weight:  277.4
Weight Lost this Week: 4.2  (somewhere my calculations got off between my home scale and the scale at weight watcher, the reason being I weigh in with my clothes on at weight watchers and I weigh in my birthday suit at home :)  Anywho...The weight watchers scale told me I gained 3 pounds last week and then I weighed myself this week at home and I weighed 4.2 pounds less.  It means I lost the weight I gained and more.  This doesn't line up with my last weight posted on the blog, but I'm feeling good about it nonetheless.
Total Weight Loss:  16.4
Pounds to Go:  102.4

Well there you have it, still on my way back down.  Feeling good about being on track and now I just need to stay that way.  This week hasn't been ideal, but my body has been doing well at telling me what it likes and what it doesn't like.  I took a group of teens up to cabin for a weekend retreat and I ate a lot of things I loved to eat in high school.  I made them tons of treats and lots of decadent meals.  My body was PISSED, at one point I actually had a violent vomit episode.  I went to bed because I was tired and still fighting a nasty cough and cold and my body woke me up to rid itself of the crap I had eaten that day.  I don't enjoy the vomit.  I like eating food and keeping it down, but I think my body was trying to tell me something.  Enough is enough.

I leave tomorrow night for a 6 day trip with more amazing teens and we will be on the road, which means eating out for every meal or eating what is provided at our conference.  I get nervous about that, the best part about this trip is that I have my man by my side.  He has been on a healthy journey as well since his colon cleanse and he has of course had huge success in a small amount of time.  Another plight for women, men losing weight faster and easier, SUCK IT!  Seriously, it's not fair.  BUT, the good thing is he is supportive and we have been talking about how we are going to stay on track and not just go nuts so that we come back bigger than when we left.  The bad part about this trip is going to be that the lack of sleep with be severe, maybe 4-5 a night if we are lucky.  So, caffeine will undoubtedly be on the rise and that's not something I get excited about.  We will keep pushing down the water, but the caffeine will be necessary for being a functioning human being.  This is one of my favorite trips that I take every year.  These teens are my life, they are the reason I get up every morning and do the things I do and the reason I work myself to the bone, so that I can give myself to them.

Never more has this been true than in this last week.  These have been some of the most emotional days I have had in this job.  Watching my teens struggle, seeing the pain of life be revealed in someone who has never allowed themselves to feel, is amazing and horrific at the same time.  The things I have heard and the things I have felt this last week will change me forever.  The Lord has shown me why He put me where I am today.  He has used the pain in my life for good.  He has used my life experiences to prepare me for the things I am experiencing now.  I seek to love, to love others I want to be loved.  I love my "kids" at the Club the way I want to be loved, unconditionally.  I tell them constantly that I love them, no matter what.  That I love them regardless of the choices they make and I will support who they are as a person.  I may not always agree with what they do, but I will love them regardless.  I have seen that come full circle many times, but none more real than the situation I had last week and one I had last year as well.  I will continue to love the way I am loved.  It's amazing....try it.

Pain is real, love is real, this journey is real.  I want to get back to my weight loss.  I feel like there is so much more to share and I will continue.  I am at one of those points in life right now where I wonder why the Lord has so much faith in my strength and abilities, cause I'm feeling at the end of my rope right now.  I know I am being loved and supported....but it doesn't make it easier.

I don't want to be fat forever...let's work on that.

Day 68: A fat girls plight

I've gotten over my tantrum from Wednesday's 3 pound weight gain.  I think there are a lot of factors that contributed to that weight gain and I'm hoping to see all of those reasons flushed out before next Wednesday.  I'm not giving up my new water regimen and I can't help when my monthly friend comes to visit.  So I'm assuming that my body was holding on to lots of liquid.  I already feel better and like my body has let go of some of this water weight.  I've been sticking to the workout routine.  Swam and walked my ass off this week with lots of awesome accountability worker outers. This is a shout out and a thank you to all of you who are helping me with this and supporting me on a daily basis.

Plight....what is a plight?...."A dangerous, difficult or otherwise unfortunate situation".  Some definite unfortunate situations have happened in some of my friends lives lately and I look at my own life and have definitely had my fair share of 'plights'.  The one I am referring to in this post though is the fat girls plight, which inevitably is what keeps fat girls fat and is the definition of low self esteem and self worth.  Putting ourselves in situations where we think we are being accepted and supported. But what turns out to be is that this man or this "good friend" who wants something from us. That in itself is the definition of the fat girls plight, choosing to be used and abused because you seek acceptance and love.

You may still be wondering...what is the fat girls plight?  Well, if you are fat or have every been fat you will understand this.  Not to say that people who are skinny won't understand, but I feel this as a fat girl.  I know that this applies to anyone who don't fit the "norm", but again, I feel it as a fat girl.  The world has taught me and the world has shown me, that who I am is "not ok".  That no one will ever love me romantically if I'm overweight, that nobody ways to marry a fat girl.  So much of my life has been spent trying to lose weight, trying to make myself 'acceptable' to society.  I spent a lot of middle school and high school being treated like a fat girl, though I would give anything to be that weight again.  But my peers didn't see me that way, I was fat compared to them.  Having a "crush" was crazy, so crazy that even if I had one (and I definitely did), I couldn't tell anyone about it.  Why?  Because they would look at me crazy and let me know non verbally that I didn't stand a chance, why?, because I was fat and unpopular.  I needed to accept my place at the bottom of the barrel.  I finally got to a place in life, where I realized how much I was worth, regardless of how big or small I was.  I am so thankful that I know my worth, that I know who I am inside and out and that this time my journey is seeking to live a longer life.  

I have self worth, I love myself and I know who I am...for the most part.  I have had some other great conversations with another great woman in my life, where we have pondered over the way we are raised as women.  That even though we love ourselves and we know our worth, we still are raised to assume the worst out of men.  That they are only out to hurt us and that we should question every move they make.  As a fat girl, I feel this even more so.  There were numerous times in my life where I was led to believe I had a friend or that someone might actually like me, but it was all a sham and it was rubbed in my face.  Basically telling me that I was fool to believe that I was worth someone else's time or that they had any interest in me as a person.  All they really wanted was to use me for one reason or another.  And the more you are used and abused, the more you believe all that shit you are told.  Fat girls are notoriously those girls with low self esteem, those who are constantly seeking acceptance.  So they allow others to use and abuse them because they want to be accepted, even just for a minute.  They usually don't realize until too late that it's a sham and thus perpetuates who they are.  It's a vicious cycle that for a lot of the girls, leads to eating and more eating and staying fat.  That was me....middle school....high school....and even college.  I am willing to bet there are a million women who have lived the fat girls plight and many who are still living it today.  

I have a man who loves me, a man who chose me at my heaviest.  Yet there are still days where my fat girl gets the best of me and she looks at him and asks on the inside 'why is he with me?', 'is he going to cheat on me when he finds someone skinnier?' and a million other horrible questions.  Why are we raised to believe we aren't good enough?  Why are we raised to believe that every man will cheat on us?  Why?  Because we have seen so many good men who are married to or committed to amazing women...who have cheated.  That's when your fat girl plight takes over, and says, "well if she can't keep her man, how do I even have a chance."  

I know all of this may seem crazy, but it's what I've been thinking about lately.  I do have a man, a man who loves me.  A man who encourages me when I'm working on being healthy and a man who will eat with me when I want to eat.  He has never made me feel fat, he makes me feel beautiful.  I'm gonna go with that, I'm gonna believe in that.

I want all of you to find a place of self-worth, a place where you love yourself no matter what.  A place where you believe in what is good and right and a place where you seek to love others, not judge others.  Love the people in your life regardless of their weight, race, religion, sex or personal choices.  Love people for who they are.

Day 65: Im sexy and I know it....

That's what I've been telling myself. Thanks to LMFAO. Though you wouldn't know it if you saw the scale at weight watchers today. Maybe it's because I'm full of water or because I wore jeans instead of yoga pants to weigh it, but I gained 3 pounds!!!!!!!!

How is that possible? I'm beyond frustrated. I have ramped up my water intake in the last 4+ days and I plan on continuing to drink that much water. I know it's good from me and I haven't had a diet coke in three days because I've been drinking so much water.

I have also been an all star with working out this week. I've walked over 8 miles and swam 3 times in the past 4 days.

So what gives?? I'll let you do the math today as I'm frustrated and not in the mood to post stats.

Sorry for my negativity, but I'm at a loss. Hoping for more happiness and positivity next week!! I'll keep moving it along, but I know this is to be expected at some point. Still doesn't make me happy about it.

Day 63: Roller coaster baby baby!

Life is a roller coaster.  There is no better way to explain it.  Huge ups, huge downs and lots of in between. At times I feel like I'm still a kid and other times I feel like a crippled old lady.  Life is amazing in that way in that I can feel and be both of those people in one day.  I can be bounding and bouncing and full of life and then feel it almost necessary to use a walker to get around like an hour later.

Things have gone fairly well this week.  I haven't gone completely out of control....though those damn girl scout cookies are not helping me at all.  I had been working out, got most of my schedule in tact and my accountability partners have been coming in slowly but surely and I pumped.  I walked the pooch on Saturday for a good hour plus and then Sunday my biggest fan and I hit Greenlake.  I was feeling ambitious and some serious guilt after indulging in the worlds best nachos and about 6 "pieces" of a cupcake on Saturday night.  Though I must say that I was REALLY good about not eating much and saving most of my points knowing I was going out to dinner on Saturday.  Nonetheless, there was guilt and my guild drove me to push myself to do two laps around Greenlake, which is almost 6 miles mind you.  My lovely lady obliged and we did two laps in a little under an hour and a half.  Felt really good, though hours later we both felt like we had been run over by a bus.  I spent the rest of the day laying in bed and heating my knees and back with my heating pads.  I also spent most of today limping and hobbling.  Who knew that walking two times around the lake was that much harder on your body than just one.  Not this girl, that's for sure.  I was thinking it would be no problem, but apparently it was crippling to my body.  I even tried to counteract how sore I was today by dressing up really cute and it backfired in my face.  I should have worn yoga pants, sweatshirt and slippers, the dress and the boots were too much for my posture to handle.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about motivation and what is motivating me, to workout and to eat.  I am seeking to have others help motivate me to keep going physically.  At this point, I'm good with that, it makes me feel a little bit like a kid because I know I can't be trusted to do it on my own.  But admitting that to myself and seeking assistance in the form of accountability it a big step for me.  I have also set my alarms in the morning to remind me why I and getting my ass out of bed that early.  My absolute last chance alarm to get up and work out now reads...."Do you want to be this fat forever?".  Harsh I know, but honestly I smile, laugh on the inside, sometimes the outside and then I get my fat ass out of bed.  Because, NO, I don't want to be fat forever and that pushes me out of bed.  We will have to see what other kind of phrases I can use to shock myself out of bed.  I'm thinking maybe...."You bought a $140 LuLu hoodie, it still doesn't fit....get up!"....or maybe "One-derland is just a short 70 pounds away...get up or you could be headed back to three hundred land."...or everyone's favorite "Does everything still jiggle when you walk?....then get up!"  I'm sure I could come up with a hundred more, but for now this is motivation enough :).

I had an epiphany today around food.  I think I will need to have a million epiphanies like this in order to get myself where I want to be.  I love Monday's (that's not the epiphany), because I get to see some of my favorite people in the world, my high schoolers.  I love the hours of 2:30-6 on Mondays.  That's the time I'm in my office and they come in and out in groups, hanging out, talking, laughing and being in relationship with each other.  Getting to be a part of that is the happiest time of my week.  We then have our official meeting at 6, get down to business and then I get to share a meal with whoever is around afterwards, usually the same crew.  I was going to 'skip' dinner with them tonight because I had started a new "cleanse".  I was chatting with my 'president on paper' and was explaining why I couldn't go to Pho with him and others tonight.  I was on my newest 'fad cleanse detox plan'.  This is like the 3rd one I've tried in the last 2 months, that's a problem.  I didn't think it was a problem, but it is.  I thought I was just seeking to be healthy to get myself that next "jump start" on weight loss.  But I know from experience and surprisingly I was reminded by this awesome teen in my life that this isn't what creates long lasting change. That's a state of mind.  I also realized that doing this cleanse for 3 days isn't going to do a whole lot for me except make me want to eat the things I "can't have".  I remembered why I loved WW when I started it....I could eat whatever I wanted, but I just need to be in control and in moderation.  I had been doing so well all day and all I wanted to do was go eat Pho with my favorite people.  I was going to deprive myself of that, even though I was well within my points, for the sake of the cleanse.  I'm crazy.  I can determine though that I was me looking for that next quick fix.  The world tells us all we need is this great new product, just buy these pills, just buy this workout dvd, just join this gym and the fat will just fall off of your body.  So........NOT TRUE!  Though I continue to believe these lies.  So again I am thankful for my teens and what they bring to my life.  Clarity.

So....I had a great day, started it off with lap swim, ate really well all day and ended my day with some amazing Pho with some amazing people in my life.  I am now setting my alarm to "Do you want to be this fat forever?" and I have my bag packed for lap swim with my girl Sara in the morning.  I'm gonna finish off all the great dark green veggies and lean protein I got for the cleanse and leave my dinner choices up to me.  I feel great about that balance.  What do you think?

Day 58: We're the worlds most fearsome fighting team - TurtlePower!!!

I love the ninja turtles.  I love the ninja turtle cartoons and I was IN LOVE when the real life movie series came out.  My brothers and I were addicted to those movies and I love seeing younger generations connect with those movies and see how amazingly awesome turtles with ninja skills are.  I'm in the process of gathering my own 'fearsome fighting team', though we aren't using our ninja skills to fight anyone, but they are going to be my fearsome fighting cardio accountability.  Something I've realized in these past few weeks as this months workout calendar has a lot more X days than last months calendar is that I will use any excuse to not get to my cardio.  But if I have someone who is holding me accountable, who is meeting me at my cardio destination, I WILL SHOW UP!  Why?  Maybe not always because I want to be there, but I don't want to let other people down and I don't want to disappoint.  So, my new cardio schedule is as follows, if you are interested in adding yourself into one of the blank spaces I will gladly accept you as part of the FFT (fearsome fighting team) as we so desperately fight for my health and my weight loss journey...

Monday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6-6:30AM with _____________
Tuesday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6:45-7:30AM with _____________
Wednesday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6-6:30AM with KATE!
Wednesday:  Walk anytime between 11am-2pm with ____________
Thursday:  Walk from 10-11AM with KATE!
Friday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6:45-7:30AM with _____________
Sunday:  Walk anytime between 11am-2pm with ______________

I'm really excited to see who is going to fill in my blanks!  I really feel like accountability is something I NEED, so if you become part of my FFT, you have to be ready to bring it and ride my ass if I slack off.

There's no doubt that it's been a rough couple of weeks for me and not just with food, but with my emotions, with my health and with my stress level.  I did a semi-cleanse to get myself back on track and have been dealing with a lot of emotional issues with people that have been dragging me away from taking care of me.  I know for sure that in the first two weeks after my last weigh in, I GAINED weight and I wasn't willing to step on the scale and admit it to myself.  I hid behind my stress and my emotions instead and I ate some of them.  I did the semi-cleanse and I got my ass back to Weight Watchers this week and I have been trying my hardest to get myself headed in the right direction with some poking and proding from others.  I made a priorities list in the three areas of my life that cause me the most stress, my jobs!  I made a list of things that needed to get done and things on those lists that I could ask for help from others on.  I need to refine the list a bit and then comes the hard part...asking for help.  Not one of my strong suits.  You see, I can do everything.  I AM WONDERWOMAN.  I have the costume to prove it.  My brain and my heart constantly are telling me that I can do everything and that I need to do as much as possible to get people to trust me and to like me and so that I can feel successful.  My body doesn't always agree.  I also know that those things aren't true.  I do love to be in control of things, because my way is the better way and I can always get things done faster myself rather than showing someone else how to do it.  But....then where does that leave me....FAT....TIRED....CRYING....EXHAUSTED.....SICK....STRESSED and about a million other things.  I have also realized as life progresses that I'm not helping others grow or be successful if I'm not teaching or showing them how to do more.  The worst part about me is thought that people CONSTANTLY OFFER TO HELP ME and I turn them down.  I'm a sick and twisted individual.

I have been suprised lately though at where my support in this journey is coming from.  My expectations were that my close friends, people I saw everyday or spoke to on a regular basis would be the people that follow my blog and seek to support me.  That has been true in some instancesa (and I love those people for that), or there has been some initial interest and then they have fallen off or have their own things going on.  A good amount of my feedback and written support though has been from people who are not in close proximity to me, people from my past or who live far off.  If you are one of those people, THANKS!  I really appreciate your words and the encourgement I get to keep going with this whole journey.  I hope that the further I get into this the more serious I will take myself and the more serious the people who directly surround me will be to me.  I realize that in the past I have claimed a lot of things, claimed to be making a change and then fallen off the wagon a month or two in.  So maybe I have something to prove to these people, but more importantly to myself.

I wish I had some funny stories for you, but there has been no pooping in the woods lately.  I have had more 'accidents' than I can count, lots of them involving girl scout cookies and cadbury eggs.  Easter candy is my #1 WEAKNESS in the candy world.  Lots of people think cadbury eggs are gross, you know the ones that have the gooey candy in the middle that looks like an egg yolk.  I FRICKIN LOVE THOSE THINGS!  I found a co-worker that also has and affinity for them and together we could eat our way through the cadbury egg factory.  I have no doubt.

I am happy to announce that after a shitty couple weeks and then some recovery time, I have MAINTAINED my weight.  Which I couldn't be happier about.  I most definitely gained weight, but in not weighing myself I didn't have to actually see the scale go up.  So...numbers are

Day 1

Day 58

Day 30

Day 52: Rock bottom seems only one bad trip away...

Now I haven't actually fallen down, my limbs are all still working and I'm still standing and in one place.  Well, I'm actually sitting right now, but you get the idea.  As previously stated, it's been a rough week or two in terms of food and how I feel about it.  Was home Sunday, left early Monday to get back for a catering job on Monday night.  Made a delightful meal of Salmon, Carmelized Onion and Spinach Pilaf, Grilled Veggies and French Bread.  The event was great and I treated myself to a Dick's cheeseburger and milkshake afterwards, bad choice, I know.  Today I catered a gourmet taco bar luncheon and made some amazing 4 hour beans, mexican rice, shredded beef, shredded chicken, ground turkey and brownies.  Found my new favorite pulled beef recipe, which I'm sure would translate well with pork as well.  I have leftovers that my peeps at work will be enjoying tomorrow!

Tuesday morning started a new round of the Masters Cleanse.  I welcomed it this time, considered the lemony goodness a refreshing friend.  I have had my issues this week with it.  I am on day 3 of the cleanse and have done pretty well sticking with it.  I have eaten a few things and have "tested" the food I made for a catering job I had today as well.  I do have to try it though, I'm not going to serve something to someone that I'm not positive tastes amazing.  My body is riding itself of all of the crap I have eaten in the last two weeks.  I wish there was a better way for me to get back on track.  Or better yet, a better way to stay on track in the first place, but that is still a mystery to me.  It's crazy how I love being in control of other things in my life, but I allow food and eating to be the out of control part of my life.

Control hasn't been something I've had lately though.  I've been exhausted and overloaded.  A series of events with people at work have added a boat load of extra stress on my plate the last few months and it's finally taking it's toll on me.  My business is ramping up, which is great and I've been loving all of the referrals and work I've been getting, but the work has to be done after my other jobs, which means late nights for this girl.  We also have two units open right now and it's a lot of work to show them and get them ready to rent and I have that on top of the other two jobs has brought me crashing down.  I lost control of my emotions last night at about 12 am as I shredded chicken by hand for my luncheon today.  I sobbed and the man rubbed my back and told me it was ok.  I want a better life, I want things later in life and I know that in order to get there I need to work as hard as possible now.  But at times I can't handle it, let's be honest, I can't handle most of what I take on, but I just pretend that I can.  I then become stressed out beyond belief and I end up crying over shredded chicken.

I weighed in on Wednesday morning, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but I'd rather wait until the end of this cleanse before I post my official weight.  Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm still struggling.  I need to get fully under control before I can post that I'm headed in any direction.

I have reached out to some great sources for help and am on the road to being back.  I need rest, I need some direction and I need to keep moving.  The one thing I have kept up with is working out.  Swimming laps like a champ, poor little Pete hasn't been on a walk in the last few days, but he will soon.

There are so many things I want to do in this life and it has become clear that I don't have the ability to do all of those things they way that I am trying to do them, ALL AT ONCE.  I need assistance.  I know exactly who I need to assist me and I'm waiting on that person, also a family member :).  I have a good feeling about it and am beyond elated that we have the ability to take this journey together.  I have also been so inspired lately by the hard work that people around me are putting into their lives.  It has been so inspiring to see people quitting bad habits and working on healing from past hurts.  I am inspired to keep going and all the love and support of those around me only makes that easier.

I love the people in my life and I love how they love me.  I feel like I'm headed toward a life transition, not sure what or where, but something is going to be different.  Hopefully it's my fat, hoping it's had enough of me and wants to be melted away.  I wish someone could throw water on me and my fat would instantly melt off, like the wicked witch.  But I don't want my face to melt off too, so I'll be content being the fat witch right now, slowly working my way towards a combination of the good witch and the healthy witch.  Yellow brick road, here I come!

Day 48: I'm coming home, I'm coming home....tell the world I'm coming home

I'm home....for a 36 hour visit.  It was necessary.  I needed some time to collect myself after two pretty crappy weeks.  Crappy in terms of food and choices around food.  Now I'll admit, being home doesn't bring out the best in my food choices.  I learned ALL of my bad habits in this house and in this town.  I learned how to eat my feelings here and I learned a lot of other things here.  A lot of the things I have learned here weren't bad for my health, they were good for my life.  I learned how to work hard, I learned to push myself, I learned how to love others no matter where they come from.

I love coming home, it's worth the 7 hours in the car to be home for 36 hours.  But in that 36 hours, I ate a LOT of sugar.  I feel like my choices in terms of meals were pretty great, but snacking between meals here is the #1 issue we all have.  I was in the mood to experiment with desserts as I was creating a new dessert for an event that I am catering tomorrow night.  (Did I mention that I cater?, yeah...that's how much I love food)  So, the dessert turned out great, but I had a whole pan of "test" material that everyone has been eating all afternoon and evening.  I also felt the need to get myself a blizzard tonight after dinner, because we don't have then in Seattle and who knows how long it will be until I get another one.  God forbid.  I'm ridiculous, let's just be honest about that.  I did get up this morning and made myself walk this morning.  I hoofed it for about 45 minutes, a good steady incline and of course Pete at my side.

I don't have a whole lot to say tonight my friends.  I am pretty frustrated with myself and my complete downward spiral, especially approaching a weigh in on Wednesday, having skipped last Wednesday due to my SHAME.  It's clear that SHAME doesn't get me anywhere.  It didn't spur me on to eat better, it did spur me back onto working out, but I kept eating heavy rich foods.

So, as we approach the third month of my journey, I am going to start a cleanse earlier than I had expected.    I need ANOTHER kickstart.  Not necessary the way I wanted to go with this, but it seems like the only thing that can re-focus me a this point.  I need to focus on not eating and remind myself that the foods I have been dumping into my body in the last week, all those rich buttery delicious foods, are not what is going to keep my going.  Those foods will not keep my brain rich and focused with nutrients.  Those foods and all their fatty nature, cloud my judgement.  I will never stop wanting those foods, but I can control them and not consume so many that they make me foggy.  The cleanse helps my body feel clean and then I desire to fill it with cleaner foods.  So, I need a detox of sorts and have purchased myself a costco size bag of lemons and will cleanse my heart out for the next week and then get back onto raw foods and proteins.  I will also get back to planning my meals after that and keep on the journey downward (it terms of pounds), not the food spiral.

I'm hoping for more....from myself.

Day 44: At WW, we say "only track on the days you want to lose weight"

This early morning blog post is brought to you by the letters S-H-A-M-E.

Yup, that's right, shame.  I feel ashamed for how this last week has gone.  After my glorious weigh in last week I became completely delusional.  I told myself I had it under control, but boy was I wrong.  I haven't "tracked" once in the last week, well not honestly anyway.  If my tracking isn't honest, then what's the point really, it's not going to do me any good.  I am also sorry to say that I made really good excuses for my poor food choice and got to the point where I was just like F*** it, I'm gonna eat this.  Thus sabatoging myself.

This is another form of Alison that I hate.  She's really good and self-sabatoge and when she isn't in good communication with her support system, she allows herself to fail.  So, as a result of my S-H-A-M-E, I am NOT going to Weight Watchers today.  I will NOT be weighing in.  I know that I haven't lost weight this week, the only thing saving me from not gaining too much weight is that I have had a serious bout with the runny poo, otherwise known as diarrhea.  My poor food choices this week have brought back my serious stomach pains and issues.  I get this a few times a year and it's usually due to stress.  I am definitely stressed with the work load on my plate right now, something I have also been delusional about in the last week, pretending like I have control over it.  I don't.  I think in sync with my stress is the poor food choices from the last week and thus the diarrhea.

I am even more sad to say that I haven't worked out since last Wednesday either.  It's like I gave myself permission to have the week off.  This morning (the reason for my early post), I made myself get out of bed and go swim laps and later today in place of my Weight Watchers meeting I will be walking Greenlake with the magnificent Kate.  Something I think I need far more than my WW meeting.

So, I would first like to apologize for the shit show that was my food life this week and promise to get back on track in the next week so I have something to show for it next week.

This week despite some poor choices has been full of love.  The man showed some good love this week, especially in terms of V-Day and the return of one of my favorite teens (now a young man) from Marine boot camp had definitely put a spring in my step.  It's been great to connect with the people who surround me daily.

The love has been present the last two days with these great people, I have felt some serious grief and longing for my family.  I have been struggling greatly with my grief and it's not been easy.  For those of you who don't know (though I'm not sure how many people are actually reading this that don't know my life), I lost my youngest brother in 2003, almost 10 years ago.  He was 16 when he died and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wake up thinking about him and wishing things were different.  It's hard, really f***ing hard.  I'll leave you with the message I left him yesterday as I struggle to get back on track this week.

'BKS, I love you so much! Losing you has taught me how to love more deeply, how to love unconditionally and how to never let a day pass without telling someone that I love them. I cannot wait until we get to hug again, all I want is to hug you and run my fingers through your crazy head of hair. The way you loved others, constantly pushes me to love outside my comfort zone and to love people regardless of the things they have done. My tears are welling up now just thinking of how losing you has made me a better person. I LOVE you so much!'

 

No more eating, just start moving...

Day 41: No longer a virgin

Of college mens basketball....live and in person.

Ha!  I ventured on a trip this weekend my friends, which was a much needed break for my life and thus caused a 4 day break in blogging.  I did attend my very first college basketball game and it was glorious!  My amazing friend Noelle is from Oregon, she is a die hard Duck fan and I love that about her.  I am a die hard lover of the state of Oregon.  My allegiances lie in the coast of Oregon, specifically the area between Tillamook and Depoe Bay.  If I could get rich quick, I would move to Lincoln City, OR and live there for the rest of my days, no doubt about that.  You can ask anyone else in my family and they'd tell you the exact same thing.  Though we'd visit our cabin in Wallowa Lake a few times a year.  So, my beautiful friend Noelle has been exposing me to the other great cities that are within the state of Oregon.  First Medford and now Eugene.  She has a great family friend that works for the U of O and not only did we get to attend the Ducks vs. WSU game on Saturday afternoon, but I got to watch the Ducks beat the Cougs front and center behind the Duck bench.  It was A-MAZE-ING!!  That arena is unbelievable!!  I felt very lucky to be blessed to get that 'first time' experience.  I completed my experience with a souvenir cup and a U of O sweatshirt for my ridiculously large sweatshirt collection.

This weekend brought back for me some ugly versions of myself that I would like to forget, none of them having to do with my food choices, but everything to do with why I got the way I was in the first place.  I had an interaction with someone who is a complete stranger to me this weekend, and I allowed that person to make me feel like I was nobody.  I spent the majority of my high school career feeling like I was nobody.  I was the fat girl that no one wanted to invest their time in.  I was quiet, timid and afraid of who I had the ability to be.  So, I kept my mouth shut (of course unless their was food going in it).  I allowed others to dictate to my life, to walk all over me and to basically use me and abuse me.  It was horrible.  I had a saving grace in the handful of friends I had that went to my church and also to my school, that loved me for me, but even then, one of those people often found it easy to toss me to the wayside.  I know that some of you who read this blog went to my high school and some of you were those church friends.  Know that I was really good at faking my happiness in high school when I was really screaming on the inside, wondering why people wouldn't accept me and include me, mostly because I was fat and unpopular.  I look back now and wish that I was as thin as I was in high school, but I didn't fit the mold then and I don't fit the "mold" now.  I wanted desperately to be athletic, to be accepted, but finding that there were a lot of bitches and jerk offs that went to my high school and they loved people who were exactly like them and treated those people well and treated me like I was invisible.  I have forgiven all of those people and all of those hurt feelings and moved on and I have become a different person.  I have become someone who loves myself and doesn't give two shits anymore about what "those" people think.  Nonetheless I allowed myself to be taken back to the ugly place this weekend.  I was in a room with four people, one being me and the other three being people who loved each other dearly as family, had a deep rooted history with each other and who don't get to see each other often.  They were in their world and I was a bystander.  One of them said something to me that made me feel like I was unwanted, that I was needing to be put in my place, which wasn't with them.  The actions were not malicious and I was mostly frustrated with the fact that I allowed myself to feel that way and to be put into that position.  I was in a place where I knew I was loved and protected, yet I was hurt.  How could this be?  It was no ones fault really, the person who was speaking didn't know they had hurt me and they definitely didn't do it on purpose and yet I instantly went inside myself.  I haven't been inside myself like that in a while.  I felt like I needed to hide until I could be alone with myself and slowly emerge back into my normal self.  I know that I didn't like what I saw when I went that far back.  I don't like that Alison, she is meek and doesn't know the potential she has.  I love the Alison I am now, bold and doesn't fear situations that are uncomfortable.  I was caught off guard this weekend, not by someones remarks, but by myself.  In looking back, I realize that there may be parts of my former self that I have not yet conquered or recovered from and that during this journey I may need to process and have the potential to bite me in the big fat ass.  I was able to process this interaction with a dear friend and feel like I am moving in a direction that will help me prevent this in the future.  But it's a process.  Hurtful memories that shape us and unfortunately mold us can be forgiven, but are never forgotten.  A great conversation with a great woman brought me to the realization this weekend.

This last Wednesday was a great day for my weight loss journey and my week didn't necessarily go up from there, I feel some definite regression in terms of food choices the last 4 days.  Thursday was a 5:30am day and I didn't get home until 8:30pm.  A lot of time to make bad choices as I hadn't packed a lick of food to take with me and I was going to be eating all of my meals out for the day.  There was a big event for Boys & Girls Club and I was escorting our amazing Youth of the Year around for the day.  I got myself my favorite breakfast (eggs benedict), a latte, a turkey croissant sandwich, multiple mini desserts and then carne asada at my favorite Thursday night dinner spot with my favorite people.  Not a horrible day, but definitely not a great day.  There was also no time for a workout or a walk, unless you count walking around most of the day in 5 inch heels a workout.  I did sweat a bit, but I was feeling great about how I looked in my little bronze silk belted number.  Not as great as I'll look about 6 months from now, but definitely better than I looked a month ago.  Friday was another early day...I did get to sleep later than 6am, but I had TONS of errands to run.  I did Costco, Starbucks, lunch with kids, home for 3 hours to show our open units to about 6 different people and then back to the Club for another 5 hours to finish up the work day and close up after basketball was over.  It was looooong day.  I had a latte, bagel thin with peanut butter, subway sandwich for lunch, wheat thins for snack and then I caved and stopped at Dick's on the way home from work at 9pm for 2 cheeseburgers and a fry.  DAMN!!!!!!! Why are there burgers so good and sooooooo tempting after 9pm.  I truly believe that the reason I don't like to be out after dinner time is because I'm temped by there being a Dick's around every corner in my life and how much I love that greasy goodness.  A serious low point in this journey for me so far and I had instant remorse once I had ingested it all in a matter of minutes.  I was seriously so hungry though and instead of getting home to do a quick meal at home that would have been 20 times healthier for me, I went for the quick fix.

This weekend was a tad bit better for me.  The weekend itself was amazing and was definitely something I needed, but again, got me no where with my cardio.  I spent a lot of time sitting and a tad bit of time eating.  I definitely didn't snack at all this weekend, which was good, besides some red vines and a diet coke at the Duck game.  But I felt pretty tame in my meal choices, didn't overstuff myself.  Let's take a moment and celebrate that.....IT'S BEEN A MONTH AND A HALF SINCE I FED MYSELF SOOOO MUCH THAT I WANTED TO PUKE.  I have been so very successful in breaking that habit thus far because I know how crappy it makes me feel.

So, I feel like this week will be a good week to get back on my food planning and I actually found another "cleanse" type program that I want to try this week.  Thankfully it involves food, but it's very clean and actually is called the "2 day cleanse to looking better naked" or something like that.  Let's be honest, who doesn't want to look better naked?  Now I don't think that a 2 day cleanse is the answer to my fat naked body, more like a 200 day cleanse to naked body I can stand to look at sounds more up my alley.  I will say that I love looking in the mirror when I'm naked in my own bathroom.  It may be that the mirror in my bathroom only shows me from the clavicle up, and I would have to stand on the bathtub to get a full view, not something I choose to do, that's for sure.  But my shoulders and head I enjoy in this naked state.  So, this cleanse is supposed to be for 2 days, but my plan is to do it for 4-5 days this week.  I of course will let you know how it goes.

For now....I need to stop eating and focus on some better food...

Day 37: Boo-YA Grandma!

It's weigh in day people and the finale of my stickin to the food plan.  I can say with all honesty that the food plan the last 24 hours has gone out the window, well maybe like halfway out.  I stuck to the plan yesterday.  I was supposed to have soup for lunch and then be able to make good choices at staff dinner time.  Instead, I had pork tacos at our favorite bbq place that turned out to be low points for lunch and then I had my soup for dinner.  I ended up ordering lots of delicious pizza for the staff meeting and it took all of my power to not gorge myself on my favorite pizza.  I did allow myself a small slice of my favorite vegetarian pizza.  I cut one of the slices in half and I savored that piece for the rest of the night.  Abstaining from highly fattening food on a regular basis makes you love it that much more when you get to have it.  When I got home from work (which was particularly stressful in how the day ended), I had an eating accident.  I was feeling emotional and instead of climbing in bed or blogging about it, I ate an entire cereal bowl full of doritos.  I don't even particularly like doritos, but damn, they tasted good last night.

Feeling remorse for my accident last night, I got myself up and combated that food accident with cardio!  I got myself to the pool and swam laps and tonight I hit up Greenlake for a brisk walk with my little man and my friend Kate and her pup.  I got my swim on Monday as well and Tuesday morning I took the morning off (yay for self care!!!) and enjoyed the last bit of sunshine for the week with a 2 hour walk through the neighborhoods with Pete.  It was most joyful and tons of vitamin D and positivity was soaked up during those hours.

Today was a different story. I did get up and combat the accident with cardio and then I stuck to the plan for breakfast.  I had a piece of toast and a single egg and my coffee.  I headed straight off to my meeting to get weighed in and then I had to run a few errands and get some important people to the airport.  So, the weigh in, WAS GREAT!!  I will divulge the results in a few, but this moment was such an elation for me that I then decided, very deliberately I might add, to throw the food plan out the window.  Not really the best choice, but it happened.  I consumed trail mix at Target, I then consumed a croissant that my airport patrons purchased me and then I ate my favorite sandwich (the Rajun Cajun) from my favorite sandwich shop.  I then consumed potato chips and two pieces of chocolate before I left work.  Ehhhhh, I was definitely feeling pretty good about myself, which is why I went right ahead and treated myself in every way possible.  We shall see if this comes back to bite me in the big fat ass.  I did an extra cardio session tonight though as I aforementioned and thus in my mind cancelled out part of my days worth of accidents.

The food plan worked though, for the most part in my mind, it worked.  I may continue to "plan" my weeks meals, leaving room for free choice, which I feel is necessary so as to not feel locked down.  When I feel locked down, I just want to break free.  I don't want to be confined to a certain mold and I will do whatever necessary to make sure I don't feel that suffocation of my lack of choice.  But I want more than anything to be free of this weight so that I can do everything I was meant to do in life.  So at this moment, I need to let that win.  I didn't necessarily lose as much weight as I was hoping this week, but I have to keep reminding myself that on the WW plan, you can expect to lose .5-2 pounds a week.  But I've been stepping up the cardio, so I guess that makes my expectations higher.  My cardio isn't super high impact, but it's steady and it ramps up my heart rate.  I'm looking for longevity.  I'm looking for endurance.  Both of these things are what I desire for this journey, so it's a great parallel for my physical activity.  Slow and steady wins the race, right?  I also fear loads of saggy skin, which is a topic for another post, but I fear that if I lose weight too fast, my skin and my body can't keep up (which is what I see when I watch the Biggest Loser, saggy boobs and tummy skin, yuck!).  So I will stick with the tortoise and let the hare wear himself out.  I see the tortoise as a woman and the hare as a man...another topic, maybe.

Here's some topics I have been pondering that you can look forward to in upcoming posts this year....

*Hair and Obesity, or as I like to call it....hair hair everywhere
*Self Control
*Does muscle really weigh more than fat?
*Big boned...a fat persons excuse to stay fat
*Abstaining from bad food doesn't really make you want it less, people lie to themselves to make themselves appear healthier by feeding you all lines of crap like that.

On to the important things....the weigh in....

Current Weight:  276.9
Weight Lost this Week:  1.8
Total Weight Lost:  16.2
Pounds to go:  102.6

BOOOOOO-YAYAYAYAYA  Grandmama!  Soooooo close to being under 100 pounds to lose.  I want that.  I feel success this week!  Exciting things are happening and I'm still eating food because I love it.  That will never stop.

Day 34: Empire state of mind

Giants Win!!  Wahoo!  Now I'm not a REAL Giants fan, I'm a bandwagon fan.  I'll admit it, but I have friends who are die hard Giants fans and I really hate Tom Brady, so of course I was going for the Giants win.  Not only did they win, but I put out an amazing spread and I won $10!!  Wahoo!

I did put on a great spread and for the most part I felt like I was able to manage my intake.  I had a sampling of everything I put out, but I didn't go crazy and stuff myself until I was ready to puke.  I watched other people who attended our party do that, but I'm happy to say that I was not one of them.  I was able to contain myself until dessert time, and then I probably ate about the equivalent of 4-5 brownies.  Oopsie, I had an accident.  It's fun to call them accidents.  It's like wetting your pants (which I will admit I've done at least once a year since I was born), you try really hard not to, but sometimes it just happens and you can't help it.  I was overcome with elation at my win and all of sudden I had eaten a giant "block" of brownies.  It was an accident, for sure. I did however start my day off with a brisk walk around Greenlake before the food cooking and consumption began.  This was my second trip to Greenlake in two days!  Seattle has been AH-MAZINGLY beautiful the past few days and it would be a crime to waste that.  So, I booked it yesterday afternoon with Sara and this morning with Noelle.  Two great women that I LOVE spending time with.

You're probably wondering how my 'sticking to the food plan' is going?!  Well....aside from today, it's been great!  I feel like I totally have a handle on it.  I have literally only eaten the things I wrote in the plan and it has felt so empowering to know that I have control and more importantly self-control.  I realize that I don't NEED all those things I like to convince myself I do.  I haven't once felt hungry or like I was being deprived.  Believe me, it wasn't easy and I'm going to keep it going until Wednesday at least.  Today I wrote a 'half-ass' plan knowing that I couldn't predict exactly what I was going to make.  So the things I "planned" on eating I didn't even end up makin, so I had to really keep myself in check.

I have been sticking to my guns in terms of cardio as well.  I have been swimming and walking my butt off and I have complete cardio everyday since I started to food plan.  I'd like to think that I could stick to writing a weekly plan every week and sticking to it, keeping myself from unnecessary snacking, but I'm not sure that I can handle that lack of freedom and choice on a daily basis.  We will see how it works in terms of weight loss and I may continue, giving myself 2-3 options for choice a week.  This may be enough freedom for me and keep me in check for the rest of each week.  Continuing to show myself that I can be in control of what goes in my mouth and lessen the opportunity for 'accidents'.

With the encouragement from another friend I took my measurements this week so that I could track the loss of inches as well as pounds.  After taking a closer look at my day one and my day 30 photos I can see a difference and I want to be able to calculate how many inches of lard have melted off my body.

You may also be wondering where my 'Flush' went at the beginning of this month?  I had originally stated that I was going to flush or de-tox once a month for the first year.  After much consideration and concern from some of my nutritionist friends, decided that was a bit too much.  So, I have decided to cleanse once every three months for no more than 5-7 days.  I don't think my body can handle much more than that or I start to get foggy and can't function at the level I am used to.

I will continue to make you proud and stick my food and cardio plan for the rest of this weigh in week, which for me goes Thursday-Wednesday.  I was down over 10 pounds after month one and I think, if I could lose 10 pounds every month, that's a 120 pounds by the end of the year.  Likely?  No.  Bodies fluctuate, plateau and sometimes balk at weight loss.  I want to be in tune with what my body wants and needs and when it needs a change in scenery.  How I will change the scenery for my body, not sure.  I know that right now, it likes what it sees and eats, so I will stick with this path for now and roll with changes as they are necessary.

Lovin life, lovin myself and today lovin my food accidents :)

Day 31: Stickin to my guns

As promised I have made a meal plan for the week and I have committed to sticking to the plan and only the plan for a week and see how that pans out. Today went pretty good, except I forgot to eat until like 1:30. That was ok, my stomach shrunk so I didn't eat as much. There's been a lot to accomplish lately and I have been on edge with sleep and trying to stay sane and headed in the right direction. I have about a million things on my plate and it's getting hard to manage everything.

Here's my weekly plan...

Thursday:
Latte, apple, chicken breast, rice, banana, sweet potato, cube steak, piece of candy

Friday:
Latte, breakfast burrito, soup, carrots, bagel thin, egg, chicken sausage, cookie

Saturday:
Latte, breakfast burrito, lunch out, sweet potato, cube steak, banana, peanut butter

Sunday:
Coffee, creamer, cheese, crackers, shredded beef, slider buns

Monday:
Coffee, creamer, breakfast burrito, banana, wheat thins, turkey, cheese, apple, Pho, cookie

Tuesday:
Latte, breakfast burrito, apple, soup, bread, carrots, staff dinner

Wednesday:
Coffee, creamer, bread, egg, turkey, cheese, wheat thins, carrots, apple, baked potato, steak, cottage cheese

I left myself some room for choice on Friday, Saturday and Tuesday. I am nervous for Sunday, it's SuperBowl and and I'm cooking up my favorite grub and I need to keep myself in check in terms of portion control and avoiding the high fat, high carb foods.

Here are the photos from day one and the end of month one, hopefully you can tell the difference!!

Eat on friends!!