The perpetual marathon...lacing up my neon Nikes.

I'm running...figuratively, not physically, a never ending race.  To a finish line that I can't see, nor am I sure exactly what it looks like.  I'm running, I'm flailing, I'm dragging, I'm climbing, I'm crawling...at least I'm moving?

It has come into question the last few months, my idea of priority.  What are my priorities?  Are they where they should be?  Do I value work over family?  Do I value food over health?  Do I value business over friendship?  It's not easy to be questioned and it's even harder to ask yourself this questions.  It's equally as difficult to come to a conclusion and then attempt to defend your choices to the ones you love.

I have a psychotic type of work ethic.  I give things 110%, if I can't give that much, to me it's half assed and I won't do it.  I commit, some may say OVER commit.  Ok....I'll say it....I OVER COMMIT!  My commitments aren't trivial and loose though, they are meaningful and close to my heart.  My priorities are my values, my priorities are my people.  I value loyalty, I value awareness, I value life, I value happiness, I value truth, I value real relationships, I value hard work.  All of these come it to play when I evaluated my priorities.  What I spend my time doing, is what I value, what I see purpose in.  I happen to be lucky enough to LOVE what I do.  I get to come to work everyday and make a difference.  It may not always be noticeable and in your face, but I am doing what I was made to do.

More recently what I do has become more political and difficult to deal with, which has been unbelievably frustrating.  I have had to deal with new roles, new work ethics and attempting to figure out other peoples priorities when it comes to what we do.  Much of it has been sad, frustrating and down right pisses me off.  What I do, what we do...is people, it's kids, tweens, teens and young staff.  The development of young people.  So when your PERSONAL priorities become more important than the "job", I lose respect for you and what you think you are doing.  I'm over here busting my chops, giving my 110% and when I look at you I see 75%.  So compared to that, I look like a total psychotic over worked madwoman.

Whew...rant.

My work ethic is mine.  I will own that it's a bit over the top.  But it's me.  I want to squeeze the most out of every day.  Who knows how many I have left?  I do things I love, with people I love.

One thing I have come to realize...and believe me, it's still a FAT struggle for me right now.  It's that I can't expect the same thing out of others that I expect out of myself.  Most days that's hard to chew and I can almost never swallow it.  I was brought up to believe in living life to the fullest, never letting a moment pass you by.  Carpe Diem!

Just yesterday I enjoyed a meal with a former teen and a current teen.  We shared laughter, dreams, hopes, questions and some great chinese food.  What do you want to do with your life?  What makes you happy?  Why are my parents pushing towards a career because it's financially going to take care of me?  Why can't I choose what will make me happy...bring me joy?  Dinner last night took me back to the day Bret died.  The decisions I made in that day, those weeks afterwards.  I was never going to do anything in my life that didn't make me happy.  If I ever woke up and hated what I was doing, I would walk away in an instant.  It's not worth it.

Did I work 100 hours last week, yes, yes I did (literally 100 hours)?!  Was I exhausted? Yes.  Was I bitchy? Yes.  Was I completely overworked and under appreciated?  Yes.

Was it worth it?.....

You're damn right it was.  It was totally and utterly worth it.  To me it's worth it.  To walk alongside those teens, those staff...to not ask them to do anything I wouldn't do myself.  That's the Mustache Man way.  I won't have it any other way.  Some of our best times together are sifting through tons of seafood trash and emptying a truck full of cardboard into the recycle bin at the dump.  Those are the life changing moments.  They bring the most laughter, tears, joy and pain.

So do I work too much?  Yes.  Do I take enough time for myself?  No.

I need to take better care of myself.  I need to BALANCE my priorities a bit more.  I need to delegate more.  I also need to dream more and step out in faith more.  I need to do crazy things.  I need to dump some baggage and FAT off my body.  It'll come...I'll get there...

Walk a minute, walk a mile, walk this perpetual marathon WITH me and you will see what I mean.  You will see my priorities, you will see my values and you most definitely will see my work ethic.  You will also see joy, happiness, laughter, tears, pain and unwaivering love.  You will see that all things are where they should be.  I will keep asking questions, you will keep asking questions.  It's necessary, it challenges me.  I love a good challenge.

What day is it? I lost count.

It's been months...though at times it feels like eternity.  Months since I've been honest in the open of the "universe".  I've been honest in my circle, open it my heart.  It's rough though...when you are going through IT, to be real with everyone.  Admitting failure is difficult, admitting you were purposely blind to things that weren't good for you because it was more convenient.  Embarrassing.  I had to say NO, which isn't a word I use very often.  I am a doer, a yes woman.  I can take it all on, I can do it all and more often than not, I can probably do it better than you.  So when that isn't true, I pretend like it is.  Like I have control over it, like I "wanted" it this way.  Create some bull shit about how it's healthy and we are working and I am going through a phase and I can change if I want to.  NO.  NO.  NO.  That's a lie.  I wasn't happy, things weren't good.  So...I said NO.  And guess what...shit got real.  Things got multitudes worse and I struggled.  But NO came easy, which made me know it was right.

Now...things are better.  I can still say NO, but only when I need to.  We are working, things are better and it's what I want.  Rarely am I worried about myself or more importantly what is best for me.  I make sure everyone else is taken care of.  We know this about me, it's at the heart of my story.  So it's taking time to get the rest of my life in line so that all versions of myself are healthy and that my life is supporting me, not dragging me down.

My support system is doing a better job at taking care of me, but I am struggling to get myself on board with it.  I slipped, again, I fell again.  Weight is back.  Hope is not lost.  I have quite a few plans for myself and for my body.  I just need to get those plans into action and I need to get my brain to cooperate with my heart.  My priorities during the summer always stray away from....ME.  My priorities are my kids, my teens and my club.  The summer started out with stress knifing me in the stomach...literally.  It has begun to ease and I have been able to think a bit more about where I am going, what I am doing.

I'm not sure if where I am right now is completely where I should be.  In terms of my body and health, I know it's not.  But in terms of my talents and where I choose to share them, I'm at a crossroads.  Things need to shape up or I may ship out.  So much unhappiness has consumed what I love so dear.  Things need to change.

I'm working on it folks.