I got some serious weight hanging on my shoulders and I don't just mean the physical weight that I'm always lugging around.
I feel misunderstood. I feel abandoned. Why do people walk away? I'm not usually one to put on blast issues I have with others, but my heart is in pain. Most days I can shake it off like Mariah Carey, but the last few days…I can't shake no more.
Have you ever had someone just decide not to be your friend anymore and you have no idea why? Like one day you are eating lunch together and the next day you call her name across campus to wait up for you and she looks at you like a stranger and shuffles in a hurry in the other direction. What the hell? Who does that?
Twice. Twice in my life this has happened. I don't see a pattern, it's a pretty minute percentage over the last 33 years, but nonetheless, TWICE.
The first time was in high school. High School Alison was a LOT different that current day Alison. She barely spoke to anyone, tried to hide out in class, lacked confidence, self-esteem and allowed others to walk all over her. I kept a core group of girls as friends in high school. Some of them were other teens from my church youth group and a few were girls I met at school that were nice to me, so I kept hanging out with them. Mind you, never much on the weekends, I kept mostly to myself and church activities. The girl I felt the closest to was a girl named Amy. There were two other girls, Krista and Tracy. We ate lunch together almost every day for two years, the three of them were much better friends than I, but I was ok with that. Then one day they weren't there for lunch, so I ate alone, wandering school grounds. Then after lunch I saw her and called out to her and the aforementioned took place. What the hell? I waited a few days and then got the nerve to call her on the phone, probably the scariest thing I had done to date. She answered and acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. After that, we stopped eating lunch together, we stopped speaking and stopped being friends. I spent more time alone and got a job that got me out of school at lunch time so I didn't have to face the issue of eating alone. Why had she done that? I was so deathly afraid of confrontation, I just crammed it down and pretended it didn't bother me.
Second time, this past year. It's been over 10 years since I graduated from college. College was 4 of the best years of my life. I found myself, I decided who I wanted to be and I made choices to get myself there. The end of my 4th year brought the worst day of my life and some of the hardest times since then. I met some amazing people in college, some of them were friends for the moment and some for a lifetime. Both of which I am grateful for. One of those friends, someone I felt was the later, a lifetime friend just recently walked away from me. Still not really sure why. I have days where it doesn't bother me at all and then other days where I see someone else from that era and it triggers in me that doubt and uncertainty of why. We have seen each other on a semi-irregular basis over the last 10 years. But always texted or called on birthdays, met up for coffee a few times a year and encouraged each other throughout life. This friend was there for me when my brother died, we have shared a lot in terms of family and how crazy they can be at times. One day I messaged her and waited a few weeks, got no response. So I texted, to no response. So I emailed, no response. So I CALLED, multiple times, left messages, no response. Why? Why do people walk away with no explanation, leaving others feeling misunderstood.
College taught me a lot of things, one of the most important lessons I learned was about conflict, confrontation and communication. I learned to step into it, instead of turning away or running in the other direction. I learned to LOVE conflict and confrontation. Because resolution feels SO amazing. It's worth the difficult times, to get to a new level in a relationship with someone. So why did these people choose to walk away? No significant events took place to cause these things to happen. I haven't beat anyone in a fit of rage. I haven't been arrested for fraud or drug possession, so what is it? And why does it hurt so god damn bad?
Why do we choose to walk away instead of seeking to UNDERSTAND the other person? Why do we choose what is easiest? Do people stop to think about who they are hurting when they take 'the easy road'? Do people realize the consequences? Do they even care?
I have people in my life who think I have it easy. People whose blood runs in my veins. Like somehow the Almighty Lord granted me all the goodness and left them with a paper sack full of shit. Seriously? The ignorance of that statement baffles me. My life has been anything but easy, but it's hard to see that when you get your glimpse from a distance through a dirty pair of glasses. Most of the dirt on those glasses been built up by the choices of the person themselves. I'm not interested in listing my trials and tribulations or the amount of work hours I have put into my life, especially over the last 15 years. I'm interested in stepping into what is difficult and help you not only clean your lenses, but shatter them. If you care enough about a person, which I hope you do, we are all human beings at the end of the day. Choose to step into what is difficult, don't hide, don't deflect, don't allow anger to blur your vision. Seriously consider the lenses with which you view others through. Are they fair? Are they just? If they aren't, consider a little polishing or maybe some fucking smashing.
