I promised you that I would always be happy. That I would live a life full of joy. That if I ever found myself unhappy, that if I ever awoke from my nightly slumber and dreaded what my life had become, I would walk away. I would chose otherwise. I promised you that.
My heart is heavy, my body is stagnant, my tears are drowning. I miss you so.
I don't want to say that I have broken that promise, but I'm getting close. The days where I dread getting up and facing the life ahead of me have surfaced more times than I can count. I want to change it, I need to change it. I can say that I am so thankful to have family and friends that are family...who make the negative feel like something I can endure. But I'm beginning to question...do I have the stamina, do I have the strength, do I have the heart?
I don't know.
I am in a state of confusion, a state of suffering, I'm grieving. What I have loved and known is lost. How do I rebuild? How do I walk away? Where do I go? What do I do? How do I find the same fulfillment in something different?
I have been called to love. To love teens, to love food, to love serving, to love giving. When is enough, enough? I cannot do those things on an empty tank. What used to fill me, now drains me. It's never the work or the kids, it's the environment, the process and at times...the people, the adults, those that should know better.
I need a focus shift, a momentum shift.
I promised you that I would always be happy. That I would live a life full of joy.
Seeking Joy...
