They walked away…who misunderstood?

I got some serious weight hanging on my shoulders and I don't just mean the physical weight that I'm always lugging around.

I feel misunderstood.  I feel abandoned.  Why do people walk away?  I'm not usually one to put on blast issues I have with others, but my heart is in pain.  Most days I can shake it off like Mariah Carey, but the last few days…I can't shake no more.

Have you ever had someone just decide not to be your friend anymore and you have no idea why?  Like one day you are eating lunch together and the next day you call her name across campus to wait up for you and she looks at you like a stranger and shuffles in a hurry in the other direction.  What the hell?  Who does that?

Twice.  Twice in my life this has happened.  I don't see a pattern, it's a pretty minute percentage over the last 33 years, but nonetheless, TWICE.  

The first time was in high school.  High School Alison was a LOT different that current day Alison.  She barely spoke to anyone, tried to hide out in class, lacked confidence, self-esteem and allowed others to walk all over her.  I kept a core group of girls as friends in high school.  Some of them were other teens from my church youth group and a few were girls I met at school that were nice to me, so I kept hanging out with them.  Mind you, never much on the weekends, I kept mostly to myself and church activities.  The girl I felt the closest to was a girl named Amy.  There were two other girls, Krista and Tracy.  We ate lunch together almost every day for two years, the three of them were much better friends than I, but I was ok with that.  Then one day they weren't there for lunch, so I ate alone, wandering school grounds.  Then after lunch I saw her and called out to her and the aforementioned took place.  What the hell?  I waited a few days and then got the nerve to call her on the phone, probably the scariest thing I had done to date.  She answered and acted like she didn't know what I was talking about.  After that, we stopped eating lunch together, we stopped speaking and stopped being friends.  I spent more time alone and got a job that got me out of school at lunch time so I didn't have to face the issue of eating alone.  Why had she done that?  I was so deathly afraid of confrontation, I just crammed it down and pretended it didn't bother me.

Second time, this past year.  It's been over 10 years since I graduated from college.  College was 4 of the best years of my life.  I found myself, I decided who I wanted to be and I made choices to get myself there.  The end of my 4th year brought the worst day of my life and some of the hardest times since then.  I met some amazing people in college, some of them were friends for the moment and some for a lifetime.  Both of which I am grateful for.  One of those friends, someone I felt was the later, a lifetime friend just recently walked away from me.  Still not really sure why.  I have days where it doesn't bother me at all and then other days where I see someone else from that era and it triggers in me that doubt and uncertainty of why.  We have seen each other on a semi-irregular basis over the last 10 years.  But always texted or called on birthdays, met up for coffee a few times a year and encouraged each other throughout life.  This friend was there for me when my brother died, we have shared a lot in terms of family and how crazy they can be at times.  One day I messaged her and waited a few weeks, got no response.  So I texted, to no response.  So I emailed, no response.  So I CALLED, multiple times, left messages, no response.  Why?  Why do people walk away with no explanation, leaving others feeling misunderstood.

College taught me a lot of things, one of the most important lessons I learned was about conflict, confrontation and communication.  I learned to step into it, instead of turning away or running in the other direction.  I learned to LOVE conflict and confrontation.  Because resolution feels SO amazing.  It's worth the difficult times, to get to a new level in a relationship with someone.  So why did these people choose to walk away?  No significant events took place to cause these things to happen.  I haven't beat anyone in a fit of rage.  I haven't been arrested for fraud or drug possession, so what is it?  And why does it hurt so god damn bad?

Why do we choose to walk away instead of seeking to UNDERSTAND the other person?  Why do we choose what is easiest?  Do people stop to think about who they are hurting when they take 'the easy road'?  Do people realize the consequences?  Do they even care?

I have people in my life who think I have it easy.  People whose blood runs in my veins.  Like somehow the Almighty Lord granted me all the goodness and left them with a paper sack full of shit.  Seriously?  The ignorance of that statement baffles me.  My life has been anything but easy, but it's hard to see that when you get your glimpse from a distance through a dirty pair of glasses.  Most of the dirt on those glasses been built up by the choices of the person themselves.  I'm not interested in listing my trials and tribulations or the amount of work hours I have put into my life, especially over the last 15 years.  I'm interested in stepping into what is difficult and help you not only clean your lenses, but shatter them.  If you care enough about a person, which I hope you do, we are all human beings at the end of the day.  Choose to step into what is difficult, don't hide, don't deflect, don't allow anger to blur your vision.  Seriously consider the lenses with which you view others through.  Are they fair?  Are they just?  If they aren't, consider a little polishing or maybe some fucking smashing.

Savor the moments

This year, I want to savor the moments.  I don't do enough of that.

I've spent the last year being frustrated, with myself, with my relationship, with my friendships, with changes I couldn't control and with people in general.  I made a lot of headway in 2013, but I'm glad to see the frustrations of that year behind me.  I loved to the fullest, I grieved to the fullest, I lost great people, some to death, some just disappeared from my life and I don't know why.  I found health and healthy habits, I lost them too.  I lost pounds and then found them again.

This year I will…

Find health in a form that is sustainable for my foodie lifestyle.  I love to eat, good food.  I love to create, good food.  My body won't run on lettuce, nut and berries.  My body craves rustic breads, churned sea salt butter, kalbi marinated flank stead, parmesan whipped potatoes, hollandaise laden asparagus and so much more.  My body also craves movement, water, a healthy heart and clothes that don't cut off my circulation.  It's time to solidify the sustainable.

Take chances and risks to follow my dreams.  I have always been responsible.  I was the teenager that always made the right choice.  Never got in trouble, chose the road less traveled.  I finished college in four years, I got a job, I support myself.  I work too much.  I only do things if they are practical.  I like being safe and knowing where my next meal is coming from (in more ways than one).  There's nothing wrong with that.  I like being that person.  I want to keep being responsible.  I also want adventure.  I want to do things I've never done.  I want to follow my heart with reckless abandonment.

Share love at every turn.  I want my life to radiate love.  When I die, I want to be remembered as someone who loved well.  That doesn't always mean red, pink and purple hearts plastered on everything I do.  To me it means giving the right kind of love at the right time.  Love in emotion, love in deed, love in words, love in action.

Spend more time bringing my families together.  Family is every evolving.  That is a difficult thing to accept, a difficult thing to swallow at times.  You are born into a family, for me it was a mother and a father, two brothers and a sister.  You make memories, you experience joy, pain, laughter, tears.  You don't imagine anything happening to that family, forever together you will be.  Then a sister moves away, a brother dies young, a mother becomes absent, grandparents die, a mother becomes present, jobs are lost, new jobs are found, close friends die, a brother gets married, holidays become separated.  It can all be too much.  Not all of us understand it.  Things won't ever be as they were, but that doesn't mean they can't be the best they've ever been.  How do we embrace the "new" family that we are, with extended arms?  How do we create new traditions that everyone is a part of?

Continue to foster real and authentic relationships.  I won't accept anything else.  Be real, be authentic.  We all deserve that.

Enjoy every moment I get to spend with my teens.  My work with teens is the most fulfilling part of my life and has been for the past ten years.  I had no idea what my life was going to hold after I lost my brother over ten year ago.  I found comfort and healing working with kids, who eventually turned into teens and are now adults.  My moments and memories with them are what carries me through the day to day bull shit that riddles life right now.  I am so blessed to have them in my life.  I am so blessed that they chose to do life with me.  I want to cherish every moment I spend with them in case it doesn't last forever.

Spend more time at the beach.  Preferable the Oregon Coast, but any beach will do most days.  I know who I am when I'm at the beach.  I find my center.  All my frustrations are washed away with the waves.  Answers are found as I comb the beach for treasures.  I want more of that.

Not allow anyone to put me in a box, to limit my dreams.  I know a few men…Bret, Carl, Kyle, Mark, Sahara and Tony.  I know some women too…Shara, Jessica, Joan, Diane, Kim and Noelle.  These powerful men and women have always encouraged me in one for or another to push beyond my limits, to do anything I want to do, to now allow the status quo to direct my path.  They have encouraged me to shred any box that someone puts in front of me, to push past the ceiling that can't hold me and to not just reach up, but to soar.  They have taught me lessons, they have shared passions and recipes :), they have loved me.

Work less at feeding my frustrations.  They don't own me, they don't dictate me, they don't have power over me.  I need to remember that and take back what is mine, my happiness.

Work more at filling my heart with what it desires.  Focusing on what I love.  Family, friends, teens, food, fun, camping, sand, ocean, rain, dog, traveling.  Focusing on even that small list of things I love will suffice in overflowing my heart with goodness.  In that goodness I find joy, laughter, pain, tears, grief, adventure, weariness, desire, passion, excitement and fulfillment.

I believe in the savory.  I believe in the sweet.  I believe it a healthy speed to life.  I believe in slowing down.  I want to enjoy all of it in this year.  I will embrace it as it comes, I will jump at opportunity, I will sit back and savor the moments.  This year may define the word CHANGE in my life, in a more positive way than I have ever known.