They walked away…who misunderstood?

I got some serious weight hanging on my shoulders and I don't just mean the physical weight that I'm always lugging around.

I feel misunderstood.  I feel abandoned.  Why do people walk away?  I'm not usually one to put on blast issues I have with others, but my heart is in pain.  Most days I can shake it off like Mariah Carey, but the last few days…I can't shake no more.

Have you ever had someone just decide not to be your friend anymore and you have no idea why?  Like one day you are eating lunch together and the next day you call her name across campus to wait up for you and she looks at you like a stranger and shuffles in a hurry in the other direction.  What the hell?  Who does that?

Twice.  Twice in my life this has happened.  I don't see a pattern, it's a pretty minute percentage over the last 33 years, but nonetheless, TWICE.  

The first time was in high school.  High School Alison was a LOT different that current day Alison.  She barely spoke to anyone, tried to hide out in class, lacked confidence, self-esteem and allowed others to walk all over her.  I kept a core group of girls as friends in high school.  Some of them were other teens from my church youth group and a few were girls I met at school that were nice to me, so I kept hanging out with them.  Mind you, never much on the weekends, I kept mostly to myself and church activities.  The girl I felt the closest to was a girl named Amy.  There were two other girls, Krista and Tracy.  We ate lunch together almost every day for two years, the three of them were much better friends than I, but I was ok with that.  Then one day they weren't there for lunch, so I ate alone, wandering school grounds.  Then after lunch I saw her and called out to her and the aforementioned took place.  What the hell?  I waited a few days and then got the nerve to call her on the phone, probably the scariest thing I had done to date.  She answered and acted like she didn't know what I was talking about.  After that, we stopped eating lunch together, we stopped speaking and stopped being friends.  I spent more time alone and got a job that got me out of school at lunch time so I didn't have to face the issue of eating alone.  Why had she done that?  I was so deathly afraid of confrontation, I just crammed it down and pretended it didn't bother me.

Second time, this past year.  It's been over 10 years since I graduated from college.  College was 4 of the best years of my life.  I found myself, I decided who I wanted to be and I made choices to get myself there.  The end of my 4th year brought the worst day of my life and some of the hardest times since then.  I met some amazing people in college, some of them were friends for the moment and some for a lifetime.  Both of which I am grateful for.  One of those friends, someone I felt was the later, a lifetime friend just recently walked away from me.  Still not really sure why.  I have days where it doesn't bother me at all and then other days where I see someone else from that era and it triggers in me that doubt and uncertainty of why.  We have seen each other on a semi-irregular basis over the last 10 years.  But always texted or called on birthdays, met up for coffee a few times a year and encouraged each other throughout life.  This friend was there for me when my brother died, we have shared a lot in terms of family and how crazy they can be at times.  One day I messaged her and waited a few weeks, got no response.  So I texted, to no response.  So I emailed, no response.  So I CALLED, multiple times, left messages, no response.  Why?  Why do people walk away with no explanation, leaving others feeling misunderstood.

College taught me a lot of things, one of the most important lessons I learned was about conflict, confrontation and communication.  I learned to step into it, instead of turning away or running in the other direction.  I learned to LOVE conflict and confrontation.  Because resolution feels SO amazing.  It's worth the difficult times, to get to a new level in a relationship with someone.  So why did these people choose to walk away?  No significant events took place to cause these things to happen.  I haven't beat anyone in a fit of rage.  I haven't been arrested for fraud or drug possession, so what is it?  And why does it hurt so god damn bad?

Why do we choose to walk away instead of seeking to UNDERSTAND the other person?  Why do we choose what is easiest?  Do people stop to think about who they are hurting when they take 'the easy road'?  Do people realize the consequences?  Do they even care?

I have people in my life who think I have it easy.  People whose blood runs in my veins.  Like somehow the Almighty Lord granted me all the goodness and left them with a paper sack full of shit.  Seriously?  The ignorance of that statement baffles me.  My life has been anything but easy, but it's hard to see that when you get your glimpse from a distance through a dirty pair of glasses.  Most of the dirt on those glasses been built up by the choices of the person themselves.  I'm not interested in listing my trials and tribulations or the amount of work hours I have put into my life, especially over the last 15 years.  I'm interested in stepping into what is difficult and help you not only clean your lenses, but shatter them.  If you care enough about a person, which I hope you do, we are all human beings at the end of the day.  Choose to step into what is difficult, don't hide, don't deflect, don't allow anger to blur your vision.  Seriously consider the lenses with which you view others through.  Are they fair?  Are they just?  If they aren't, consider a little polishing or maybe some fucking smashing.

Savor the moments

This year, I want to savor the moments.  I don't do enough of that.

I've spent the last year being frustrated, with myself, with my relationship, with my friendships, with changes I couldn't control and with people in general.  I made a lot of headway in 2013, but I'm glad to see the frustrations of that year behind me.  I loved to the fullest, I grieved to the fullest, I lost great people, some to death, some just disappeared from my life and I don't know why.  I found health and healthy habits, I lost them too.  I lost pounds and then found them again.

This year I will…

Find health in a form that is sustainable for my foodie lifestyle.  I love to eat, good food.  I love to create, good food.  My body won't run on lettuce, nut and berries.  My body craves rustic breads, churned sea salt butter, kalbi marinated flank stead, parmesan whipped potatoes, hollandaise laden asparagus and so much more.  My body also craves movement, water, a healthy heart and clothes that don't cut off my circulation.  It's time to solidify the sustainable.

Take chances and risks to follow my dreams.  I have always been responsible.  I was the teenager that always made the right choice.  Never got in trouble, chose the road less traveled.  I finished college in four years, I got a job, I support myself.  I work too much.  I only do things if they are practical.  I like being safe and knowing where my next meal is coming from (in more ways than one).  There's nothing wrong with that.  I like being that person.  I want to keep being responsible.  I also want adventure.  I want to do things I've never done.  I want to follow my heart with reckless abandonment.

Share love at every turn.  I want my life to radiate love.  When I die, I want to be remembered as someone who loved well.  That doesn't always mean red, pink and purple hearts plastered on everything I do.  To me it means giving the right kind of love at the right time.  Love in emotion, love in deed, love in words, love in action.

Spend more time bringing my families together.  Family is every evolving.  That is a difficult thing to accept, a difficult thing to swallow at times.  You are born into a family, for me it was a mother and a father, two brothers and a sister.  You make memories, you experience joy, pain, laughter, tears.  You don't imagine anything happening to that family, forever together you will be.  Then a sister moves away, a brother dies young, a mother becomes absent, grandparents die, a mother becomes present, jobs are lost, new jobs are found, close friends die, a brother gets married, holidays become separated.  It can all be too much.  Not all of us understand it.  Things won't ever be as they were, but that doesn't mean they can't be the best they've ever been.  How do we embrace the "new" family that we are, with extended arms?  How do we create new traditions that everyone is a part of?

Continue to foster real and authentic relationships.  I won't accept anything else.  Be real, be authentic.  We all deserve that.

Enjoy every moment I get to spend with my teens.  My work with teens is the most fulfilling part of my life and has been for the past ten years.  I had no idea what my life was going to hold after I lost my brother over ten year ago.  I found comfort and healing working with kids, who eventually turned into teens and are now adults.  My moments and memories with them are what carries me through the day to day bull shit that riddles life right now.  I am so blessed to have them in my life.  I am so blessed that they chose to do life with me.  I want to cherish every moment I spend with them in case it doesn't last forever.

Spend more time at the beach.  Preferable the Oregon Coast, but any beach will do most days.  I know who I am when I'm at the beach.  I find my center.  All my frustrations are washed away with the waves.  Answers are found as I comb the beach for treasures.  I want more of that.

Not allow anyone to put me in a box, to limit my dreams.  I know a few men…Bret, Carl, Kyle, Mark, Sahara and Tony.  I know some women too…Shara, Jessica, Joan, Diane, Kim and Noelle.  These powerful men and women have always encouraged me in one for or another to push beyond my limits, to do anything I want to do, to now allow the status quo to direct my path.  They have encouraged me to shred any box that someone puts in front of me, to push past the ceiling that can't hold me and to not just reach up, but to soar.  They have taught me lessons, they have shared passions and recipes :), they have loved me.

Work less at feeding my frustrations.  They don't own me, they don't dictate me, they don't have power over me.  I need to remember that and take back what is mine, my happiness.

Work more at filling my heart with what it desires.  Focusing on what I love.  Family, friends, teens, food, fun, camping, sand, ocean, rain, dog, traveling.  Focusing on even that small list of things I love will suffice in overflowing my heart with goodness.  In that goodness I find joy, laughter, pain, tears, grief, adventure, weariness, desire, passion, excitement and fulfillment.

I believe in the savory.  I believe in the sweet.  I believe it a healthy speed to life.  I believe in slowing down.  I want to enjoy all of it in this year.  I will embrace it as it comes, I will jump at opportunity, I will sit back and savor the moments.  This year may define the word CHANGE in my life, in a more positive way than I have ever known.

Quilted Queen

In the quiet hours of the morning she holds him, she strokes his head, she whispers to him "you're my sweetie".

"I love you so much...you led a good life...a long good life...you have always been so good to me".

Tears stream down his face, he shows her he hears her, she returns the sentiment with tears on her own cheeks.  "You're crying, we will cry together."  So softly she sobs as she nuzzles her head into his blanket covered chest.  She looks like a queen in her quilted down bathrobe.  So tender a moment between a queen and her king.  He is able to pucker slightly and kiss her softly.  It eases his pain when she is near.  In a room filled with his children, remembering...laughing, his eyes search for her.  He is at peace when she is near.

His blue eyes seek to speak into your soul when you share a moment with him.  He opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out.  His eyes do all the talking and his emotions are on his face.  A slight curl at the corner of his mouth, shows a smile.  What a deep blue sea of love in those eyes.  "You don't need to say anything dad, we know what you want to say...we feel the same way."  "We love you dad."

He continues to hold on.  Spending a restless night I watched him sleep.  In the wee hours of the morning, he awoke.  Quietly I came to his side, "hi grandpa, I love you."  "Chris and Jess wish they could be here, but know they love you...so much."  "Brooke and Justin love you to grandpa."  We hold hands, he moves his mouth to let me know he needs moisture.  I grab his swab and some fresh mint water and he responds with eager eyes.  We share moments together and I can sense his pain.  The liquid pain relief sets in and we sit together, holding hands and stroking his tender scalp.  He falls back into a labored slumber.

Early morning coffee and tears.  "It's ok honey, you can go if you're ready", "You're work here is done."  All his children surround him, his queen at his side.  "Dad there are some great people waiting for you.  Grandma and Grandpa, your sister and Bret Kyle.  They can't wait to see you dad."

Laughter, tears and sibling love fill the day.  Joking, poking, reminiscing...  Some head to bed, others stay by his side.  Sleep is optional at a time like this, even when you seek it, rarely does it come easily.
He holds on still.  We allow life to enter the space, looking at old photos, reliving memories.  He rests peacefully while his children enjoy each others presence.  They toast, he prays.

"I think Bret Kyle will be the one meeting him at the gate".

"You have worked so hard Dad, you deserve peace, it's time to rest."

81 years of life, 58 years of marriage.  He continues to hold on.  He wants to make sure she is taken care of.  "We're gonna take care of each other dad, you don't have to worry."  His children stand watch at his bedside.

So much love, so many memories, so many lives changed.  He was a son, a husband, a father, a coach, a school teacher, a brother, a veteran, a grandfather and a friend.

A king to his queen, serving alongside her for 58 years.

December 8th as dad and I are at his side, he takes his last breath.

We love you grandpa.

27 things I remember about you...

1.  I remember the day you were born, in our matching gowns we held you.

2.  I remember the ditch in the backyard where you played ninja turtles with Chris.

3.  I remember your stick straight blonde hair, that didn't last long.

4.  I remember watching you play hockey for 11 years.

5.  I remember getting dressed up in our red and gold best to watch Chris play football, then you doing the same.

6.  I remember taping homemade episodes of jerry springer while mom and dad were at hockey games.

7.  I remember when you got Nick for christmas, how special your relationship was.

8.  I remember when your hair got curly, such a proud moment for me.

9.  I remember when we all rode bikes together as kids, wearing our interchangeable homemade helmet 'skins'.

10.  I remember the countless number of VW shows we went to, fueling our fire and love for our cars.

11.  I remember watching you play baseball and eating frito banditos.

12.  I remember every camping trip we ever went on, those were the best.

13.  I remember hours spent jumping on the trampoline.

14.  I remember when the acres behind the big blue church were just dirt, no school, no development, just a wide expanse of dirt jumps for our bikes.

15.  I remember going to Betty's, swimming lessons, bologna sandwiches and always fun.

16.  I remember shopping at St. Vincent de Paul for your church camp theme outfits.

17.  I remember how much you loved spending time with your cousin Justin.

18.  I remember swinging on grandpas tree swing and cardboard slides down the tall grass.

19.  I remember..."BK, you TURKEY!"

20.  I remember touring around Seattle, pictures at the troll, gasworks and cap hill.

21.  I remember the day you left us like it was yesterday.

22.  I remember how you showed me how to channel my pain into loving teens.

23.  I remember how I've felt you laughing every time I've pooped my pants in the last 10 years.

24.  I remember how much my heart has ached daily when I think about how much I miss you.

25.  I remember all the times you have shown your face over the last 10 years, always when I least expect it and in the most flagrant of ways.

26.  I remember how much you make me laugh and how you remind me to not worry about what other people think.

27.  I remember how beautiful your 16 years of life were.

Happy 27th Birthday Bret Kyle.  You bring me life and love.

Crashing waves

Dreams are up in the air.  They are hanging in the moment, some waiting for a few dollars to come true, others waiting for strong will and commitment to carry on.  I have dreams, dreams of owning my own business (slightly bigger than my current one), dreams of creating the body that will carry me long in life, dreams of being the best wife, mother, daughter, mentor, friend.   Hoping and working in faith towards these goals.  Some progress rapidly towards success, others crash in and out like the waves, their importance as fleeting as sunshine on the northwest coast.

My weight is a ship that is out to sea, I watch it travel closer to shore, further out, but it is always within sight.  It's waiting for me to signal it in, to jump aboard and sail it to it's final destination.  Right now, this girl is feeling like anything BUT a sailor.  Right now I'm hanging out on my floaty near shore.  When I pop the floaty, it might be time to signal the flare gun for the ship to come in.  But right now, I'm enjoying my floaty.  It's green, in the shape of a sea turtle and very comfortable.

Dreams are what I'm focusing on.  The big dream, one that could change the course of my life.  I've been committed to something for ten years, a DECADE of changing lives.  What would happen if I moved on, if I followed a dream?  It's scary, scary as shit to be exact.  I'm a bold woman, I take risks, but more often than not, I can predict to some extent an outcome, so it's easier to jump in.  This risk is all me, I'm asking other people to take a chance on me, to believe in the dream and vision that I have rolling around in my mind and my heart.  I believe it, but will they?  I have the support and love of my family, my friends.  It's good to feel others connect with your dream.  So much is hanging in the balance.

I'm so thankful for what I have, for what I have experienced, for the life I have been gifted with.  I know that I could continue to feel blessed, loved and successful if I stay where I am.  I know the potential is endless for what I could accomplish...but is it where I'm supposed to be?

I promised....

I promised you that I would always be happy.  That I would live a life full of joy.  That if I ever found myself unhappy, that if I ever awoke from my nightly slumber and dreaded what my life had become, I would walk away.  I would chose otherwise.  I promised you that.

My heart is heavy, my body is stagnant, my tears are drowning.  I miss you so.

I don't want to say that I have broken that promise, but I'm getting close.  The days where I dread getting up and facing the life ahead of me have surfaced more times than I can count.  I want to change it, I need to change it.  I can say that I am so thankful to have family and friends that are family...who make the negative feel like something I can endure.  But I'm beginning to question...do I have the stamina, do I have the strength, do I have the heart?

I don't know.

I am in a state of confusion, a state of suffering, I'm grieving.  What I have loved and known is lost.  How do I rebuild?  How do I walk away?  Where do I go?  What do I do?  How do I find the same fulfillment in something different?

I have been called to love.  To love teens, to love food, to love serving, to love giving.  When is enough, enough?  I cannot do those things on an empty tank.  What used to fill me, now drains me.  It's never the work or the kids, it's the environment, the process and at times...the people, the adults, those that should know better.

I need a focus shift, a momentum shift.

I promised you that I would always be happy.  That I would live a life full of joy.

Seeking Joy...

The perpetual marathon...lacing up my neon Nikes.

I'm running...figuratively, not physically, a never ending race.  To a finish line that I can't see, nor am I sure exactly what it looks like.  I'm running, I'm flailing, I'm dragging, I'm climbing, I'm crawling...at least I'm moving?

It has come into question the last few months, my idea of priority.  What are my priorities?  Are they where they should be?  Do I value work over family?  Do I value food over health?  Do I value business over friendship?  It's not easy to be questioned and it's even harder to ask yourself this questions.  It's equally as difficult to come to a conclusion and then attempt to defend your choices to the ones you love.

I have a psychotic type of work ethic.  I give things 110%, if I can't give that much, to me it's half assed and I won't do it.  I commit, some may say OVER commit.  Ok....I'll say it....I OVER COMMIT!  My commitments aren't trivial and loose though, they are meaningful and close to my heart.  My priorities are my values, my priorities are my people.  I value loyalty, I value awareness, I value life, I value happiness, I value truth, I value real relationships, I value hard work.  All of these come it to play when I evaluated my priorities.  What I spend my time doing, is what I value, what I see purpose in.  I happen to be lucky enough to LOVE what I do.  I get to come to work everyday and make a difference.  It may not always be noticeable and in your face, but I am doing what I was made to do.

More recently what I do has become more political and difficult to deal with, which has been unbelievably frustrating.  I have had to deal with new roles, new work ethics and attempting to figure out other peoples priorities when it comes to what we do.  Much of it has been sad, frustrating and down right pisses me off.  What I do, what we do...is people, it's kids, tweens, teens and young staff.  The development of young people.  So when your PERSONAL priorities become more important than the "job", I lose respect for you and what you think you are doing.  I'm over here busting my chops, giving my 110% and when I look at you I see 75%.  So compared to that, I look like a total psychotic over worked madwoman.

Whew...rant.

My work ethic is mine.  I will own that it's a bit over the top.  But it's me.  I want to squeeze the most out of every day.  Who knows how many I have left?  I do things I love, with people I love.

One thing I have come to realize...and believe me, it's still a FAT struggle for me right now.  It's that I can't expect the same thing out of others that I expect out of myself.  Most days that's hard to chew and I can almost never swallow it.  I was brought up to believe in living life to the fullest, never letting a moment pass you by.  Carpe Diem!

Just yesterday I enjoyed a meal with a former teen and a current teen.  We shared laughter, dreams, hopes, questions and some great chinese food.  What do you want to do with your life?  What makes you happy?  Why are my parents pushing towards a career because it's financially going to take care of me?  Why can't I choose what will make me happy...bring me joy?  Dinner last night took me back to the day Bret died.  The decisions I made in that day, those weeks afterwards.  I was never going to do anything in my life that didn't make me happy.  If I ever woke up and hated what I was doing, I would walk away in an instant.  It's not worth it.

Did I work 100 hours last week, yes, yes I did (literally 100 hours)?!  Was I exhausted? Yes.  Was I bitchy? Yes.  Was I completely overworked and under appreciated?  Yes.

Was it worth it?.....

You're damn right it was.  It was totally and utterly worth it.  To me it's worth it.  To walk alongside those teens, those staff...to not ask them to do anything I wouldn't do myself.  That's the Mustache Man way.  I won't have it any other way.  Some of our best times together are sifting through tons of seafood trash and emptying a truck full of cardboard into the recycle bin at the dump.  Those are the life changing moments.  They bring the most laughter, tears, joy and pain.

So do I work too much?  Yes.  Do I take enough time for myself?  No.

I need to take better care of myself.  I need to BALANCE my priorities a bit more.  I need to delegate more.  I also need to dream more and step out in faith more.  I need to do crazy things.  I need to dump some baggage and FAT off my body.  It'll come...I'll get there...

Walk a minute, walk a mile, walk this perpetual marathon WITH me and you will see what I mean.  You will see my priorities, you will see my values and you most definitely will see my work ethic.  You will also see joy, happiness, laughter, tears, pain and unwaivering love.  You will see that all things are where they should be.  I will keep asking questions, you will keep asking questions.  It's necessary, it challenges me.  I love a good challenge.