Day 118: I've got a golden chance to make my way!!!

Cause I've got the golden ticket!!

I do have the chance....a chance to start new and fresh and get my ass in gear.

I don't have answers to all of the questions I asked in my last post.  I continue to seek, I continue to ask why, I continue to learn about my shortcomings and how I can overcome them.  How do I do this?  How can I be successful?  How can I move forward and stay consistent?  

I need again to show myself and prove to myself that I have the stamina, the ability to stay in it to win it.  I am so good at getting a jump start and losing some initial weight and getting some good habits going and them I totally blow it.  I lose myself, I lose my motivation and I find ways to make excuses.  I started this blog to hold myself accountable, to share my journey.  Unfortunately the accountability isn't there, but the journey is present.  This is the part of the journey where it's ugly.  My warts show as well as my stretch marks.  Yuck!

So here's what I've determined for now.  I'm gonna take some help and some inspiration from someone else.  I need to break some habits.  I need to free myself from some of the food bonds that chain me to this lard filled body.  I have a friend, a smart/beautiful/no bull sh** woman that I know that has started a blog this year as well.  Challenging herself to stay committed to things for 30 days at a time.  Here's a link to her blog, it's great, read it!  http://challenged30daysatatime.blogspot.com 

I've been thinking about what I need, it's a challenge that I can tackle.  I love rewards, I love being rewarded and I love rewarding myself with food.  I want to reward myself with other things.  I want to change that way of thinking....away from food and into a era of self care.  For every challenge I can complete and for every 10 pounds I lose, I get to do something to take care of myself.  Things I love to do that I would consider a reward....pedicure, massage, spa treatment, new shoe purchase or home purchase.  

Now let's talk about things I love that have gotten me into the mess over and over and over.  Nothing is a bigger vice for me than fresh french bread and good salted butter.  I could eat an entire loaf of crusty fresh french bread and butter on a daily basis.  You might see me on my own reality show "The One Ton Woman" if I allowed myself to do that, so I refrain...most of the time.  Mashed potatoes with butter, cream, sea salt and fresh cracked pepper.  Ummmmm.....probably the best thing since sliced bread...literally, my number two behind fresh sliced crusty french bread.  I want to overcome the need I have for heavy fat filled carbs.  I want to view them in a healthy way, minimal.  That is something I have never been able to do.  I'm going to overcome my carb crazed brain.

I want to seek to do this for longer than 30 days, hopefully a lifetime.  I don't want to completely cut out carbs, but for the first few months, I need to drastically reduce my intake.  I know that it will make my body feel better and provide some health benefits.  There are carbs in almost everything.  I want to cut out carbs in terms of grains and starches.  So breads, rice, tortillas (ahhhh!! mexican food), potatoes, crackers and things along those lines.  I am going to limit my intake for the first two months to one serving a week.  Normally I would consider a serving to be all the grains and starches that come with a meal, but I really want to limit it to a single serving  (2 slices of bread, 2 tortillas, 1 cup of rice, 1 cup of potatoes).  This should be too difficult for me, because I love meat, I love veggies, I love fruit.

My other challenge and concern is going to be in terms of activity right now.  I need to get going.  I just got a bike.  My goal is going to be to ride to work when it's sunny out.  I haven't tested it yet because I still don't have a helmet, but I predict that I could ride to work in 30 minutes on the trail that runs from my house to Ballard.  That's the same time it takes me to drive to work with a stop for coffee.  If I cut out the coffee (money saver) and don't drive (money saver) I will be gaining in all sorts of ways.  Besides the bike, I need to walk.  I have decided that with our current financial situation, I won't be a the pool.  It's too expensive for us right now with our current bills and the goals we have.  So, I'm going to focus on free cardio.  If we have a weekly walking date, WE ARE BACK ON!!!!!  This week, we are on.

I am almost 4 months into this journey and I haven't posted a weight loss or a photo in the last almost two months.  I'm embarrassed by that, I want that to change.  So, my challenges will start May 1.  In my perfect world, before summer camp started on June 25th I would be back to where I left off in terms of weight loss and it would be a miracle from above if I was even beyond that.

So here we go....wish me luck.  Bread, butter, potatoes, cream.....boy am I going to miss you.  But I think our relationship is about to change for the better.  I will still love and appreciate you, but I don't want to sedate myself with your goodness.

Day 114: When it knocks you down, just get back up if it knocks you down

I'm still down, not out, but down.  I'm still in avoidance mode, it seems to be working.  I've avoided the fact that my clothes are getting tight, I've avoided the fact that I'm finding it easy to say "no" to people who ask me to workout.  "I just can't" seems to be my phrase of choice.  I'm not even bothering to make up an excuse, I just can't.  I don't feel like I'm gorging myself, I'm not eating the best way I can, but I haven't gone off the deep end.  I was on a trip last week with middle schoolers and was at the mercy of some theme park eating, but I didn't go crazy.  I didn't feel well enough to each much most days.  I moved a lot last week, but it was harder to move.  My stomach has been pissed off for the last few weeks.  I've been pumping it full of caffeine and sugar to keep myself awake and eating at odd times of the day.  Not enough sleep and not enough water.  I don't blame my body for being pissed.  My legs swelled to size of tree trunks and I got a serious case of the heat rash on my legs while we were in Florida.  So most of my down time has been spent with my legs in the air above my heart to bring the swelling down to my normal size.  Ugh.  Tired of my ailments and complaints yet?  I am.

I have no one to blame but myself in this.  I made these choices, I dug this hole, only I can get myself out.  My man continues to do really well.  He hasn't given into his wallowing and temptation.  He is still eating well, I am cooking most of his "well" food and he is losing weight.  The difference is....I snack and I don't move.  He works out 5 days a week for over an hour and I'm a slug.  So what's the solution?  A cleanse?  Starvation?  Insanity workouts for 100 days straight?  Fat Camp?  Apply for the Biggest Loser?  Sleep for a month and hopefully wake up skinnier?  All seem tempting, pros, cons, craziness, logic....but nothing seems like it will work.

How do I break the crap food habit?  How do I break the snacker habit?  How come it's easy to say no to working out, but when people offer me food, I always say yes?  How do I break the roller coaster?  I think the answer to that question lies inside another question....How do you find perfect balance in life?  Uhhhhhh......you frickin don't!  How do I learn to put my health before the needs of others?  I feel like that is a question I will ask myself as long as I'm on this earth.  I feel heavy hearted by so many things and it makes my issues of fatness seem trivial.  There are such bigger issues in this life, in the life I have right in front of me without even addressing the global issues in this life.  I allow myself to be consumed by the these issues, these needs and I contemplate what I can do, what I NEED to do to help, to make things better.  I don't see what's bad about that, except that I stay fat, even get fatter.

How do I get ahead?  I help others move forward.  I'll do anything I can to help others succeed to make something of themselves.  I want that.  I want to move forward consistently, not feel like for every 1 step forward, I take 3 steps in backwards, sideways and diagonal.  I work three jobs, THREE jobs people.  I do this because I want a comfortable life, I want to be ahead, I want to do ALL the things I love at the same time.  I want to change lives, be an amazing chef, a real estate guru, the best friend, the dream wife, the best boss you've ever had....

I'm frustrated with myself.  Have you been there?  I'm sure you have.  I couldn't be happier with the work I'm doing to change lives.  I have been shown 100 fold lately how I am impacting lives and families.  It feels amazing.  I feel amazing inside my soul.  I feel amazing about my ability to love, my ability to walk with people through all aspects of their life.  I don't ever want to change that.  I always want to feel the change I am making in the lives of others.  But I'm still frustrated.

So....goals.  The least I can do at this point is make goals.  I'm not weighing in and sharing my failures at this point.  So I can share goals and then share when I succeed!  Right?  The power of positive thinking.

1)  Drink 3 of my giant starbucks cups full of water a day
2)  Move 3-4 times a week.  I was just gifted a bike.  I've contemplated seeing how long it takes to bike to work.
3)  Sleep 8 hours a night  (I'm bringing this goal back)
4)  Reduce my intake of sugar, caffeine and carbs

I need to do something.  I need to make myself a priority.

Day 101: Oh brother, where art thou

I've never seen that movie, but I do like me some George Clooney and I constantly ask where my brother is, why isn't he here?  I have been struggling...I wish that weren't the case.  I wish I had lots of funny anecdotes for you and stories about me peeing on towels in my bedroom.  Ok, that did happen, but I will have to give the story at another time, something for you to look forward to I'm sure.

I've been struggling, I've been sabotaging and I've been avoiding you.  I've been avoiding being honest with myself, with my failures and my setbacks.  I've been avoiding admitting to myself that I allow grief and stress to take me over, to take over my new healthy habits and my new routine.  Sadly, my old routine has taken over, not to the most extreme extent, but bad enough.  I feel stagnant, I feel stuck.  I wish I could say I don't want to eat crap, but right now, I do.  I need to WANT to stop sabotaging, to stop struggling.

I lost my brother 9 years ago this last Tuesday, I live in the grief and anguish of that reality every day of my life.  At times my grief overwhelms me, it causes me to fall down and not want to get back up.  I'm there right now.  I've fallen, I don't want to get back up.  Why?  Why should I?  More than anything I want to be pain free, I want to live a life free of all pain and sadness.  But I know that life doesn't exist here on earth, so what do I do?  I get up.  I have to, even if I don't want to.

Death is senseless at times, my brother's death was senseless, my friend's baby's death was senseless, my friends fathers death was senseless...there are so many examples of senseless death in this life.  God doesn't cause death, he doesn't want babies to die, he doesn't want sons, daughter, brothers, sisters, mothers or fathers to die.  He wants life, He gave us life.  I heard an amazing message this Easter Sunday.  The message was that the resurrection doesn't change the circumstances in our lives, it changes how we view the circumstances in our lives.  Bad things will continue to happen to good people, death will continue to happen, however senseless and unfair it may seem.  But that is not the end.  The worst thing that happened is never the last thing....  There is always something beyond the evil and the unjust.  You may never know how far off that thing is, but it's there.  You may continue to wail, to grieve, to curse, to fight, to ask why? for what seems like eternity...and you will never be alone in that.  I know that I am not alone in those times.  No amount of good things that happen will every completely wash away those wails, that grief, those questions.  My father describes it as a hole that is shaped like my brother, that now forever lives in our hearts.  Nothing can fill it, because nothing is my brother.  We seek to appease the hole with memories, by making choices and doing things in life that are characteristic of my brother, that are him.  The hole never fills...it just hurts less as our heart uses those around us to heal the edges of that hole, until we are "comfortable" living with it.

I'm struggling.  I've gained weight.  I want to get back up.  I want to.  I will.

I was hoping again to be a much different place at this point, but I'm not.  I have the ability to do all things under the sun, I have the ability to do this.  I will.  Have faith in me.  I need faith in myself.

Pain is hard, grief is hard...it causes us to wallow, to get lost.  Thank you to all of you who have loved me harder this week in the midst of my pain, you help heal the sides of my Bret Kyle sized hole.  Thank you for loving me, for loving him if you do.

The love of friends, the love of family, the love of my beloved Keystoners, my five new summer dresses and my two new pair of neon Nike's...it's gonna get me out of bed tomorrow.  It's going to help me start walking again, to start swimming again and to start eating well again.

I need to live the life Bret Kyle didn't get to.  I need to be Brave.  I will, I promise you, I will.

Day 90: Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Is that how you feel?  Have you missed me the past 13 days?  We passed the entire 80s in terms of days and went straight to 90.  Wow.  3 months have passed since the journey began and I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be, but thankfully, that was to be expected and I will take that for what it is and continue moving forward.  I know you all expected more from me and I expected more from myself at this point, but so much life has happened and that is the reality of this journey.  It's fricking hard!

Proud to report that the man and I did pretty good while we were gone.  We didn't OVER-indulge, but we did indulge a bit.  We did quite a bit of walking, but no "official" work outs were had as there wasn't time for them.  I slept a total of about 24 hours over the course of the 6 day trip and it was emotional and amazing at the same time.  I was so proud of my teens and all they put into the trip.  They were engaged and set an amazing precedent for their peers and their leadership was something I was very proud of.  I was definitely intaking a lot of caffeine in those 6 days as I predicted and I haven't come back down off of that intake level...yet.  My goal this week is to step back up my water intake and get back on track with working out.

I arrived back in town around midnight on Monday and spent the rest of the week trying to catch up from being gone.  It was a long week and I didn't get any extra sleep or extra time off, I went right back to work to get stuff done.  Took a few things off my list which felt good, but eating this week took a dive.  I didn't weigh in, I didn't make it to weight watchers and I didn't do a single workout.  Ugh.  I need to make myself a priority again.  I need to focus on focus on what I'm doing and turn the focus back on my body and my health.  I haven't given up, though I've been absent from the blog, so don't give up on me!  I need a plan for the next few weeks before I have to leave again.  I have exactly 14 days before I leave on another trip with kids where I will be set up to eat horribly once again.  So, it will be up to ME and ME ALONE to get myself on track before I leave so that the clothes I want to wear will fit while on the trip and so that my fat ass will fit on all the rides I want to go on with my kids.  This too will prove to be a week where there will be small amounts of sleep and lots of caffeine will be needed to stay functional.  I will need to hydrate and workout like a crazy woman in these next 14 days so that I can give myself a head start on this difficult week.

The emotional ride of my life has not stopped since my last post.  I have encountered more deep pain, grief and joy in the last two weeks.  I had the experiences I spoke of in my last post before I left on our trip.  There was more to follow. The emotions expressed and the experiences that were had in those 6 days were tremendous and they made my deep love for my teens grow even deeper if that is possible.  I was given the top honor at this BGCA teen conference.  I was named the Boys & Girls Clubs of America National Keystone Advisor of the Year.  This is a huge deal and not something I ever expected would happen to me.  I feel so incredibly blessed and share this award with my teens.  It truly is because of them that I get out of bed every day and the reason I work as hard as I do.  This was like someone giving me an award that says I do the best job and loving my teens and doing so much for them.  I would do it anyway, but the award felt amazing and I have spent the week reeling in the excitement.  It was a huge deal not only for me, but for our Club and for our County.  I feel so blessed to able to share this with them.

So because I'm awesome, I ate.  You all know how much I love to eat to celebrate myself.  I celebrated by eating all of my favorite foods this week.  All the more reason for me to get back on track.  I got back from this trip, spent the week working, catered a bridal shower yesterday and didn't really get any good rest or time to contemplate life until today.  We are headed into one of the busiest weeks we have a work, REGISTRATION for summer and school year.  Ahhhhh!  Crazy parents are on the rise and A LOT of organization and input into the computer.

All this aside, I need to focus on fruits, veggies, proteins, water and workouts.  I will be doing just that and looking for some support and inspiration.  So if you are on my workout list, we are ON this week.  My goal is do mainly cardio walking though. I don't know that I have funding or the time to get to the pool, so I will be walking as much as possible and throwing in some small weights and abs at home.

I hope to have some numbers to report next week....until then, revel in the glory of my shiny plaque.  I am normally fairly humble and have been caught off guard by the overwhelming excitement and accolades I have received from this award.  But damn it, I'm proud and if I was going to pat myself on the back, this would be the place.

Wishing my plaque came with magical weight loss pills....but it didn't.  Back to the journey...back to the grind.