I'm still down, not out, but down. I'm still in avoidance mode, it seems to be working. I've avoided the fact that my clothes are getting tight, I've avoided the fact that I'm finding it easy to say "no" to people who ask me to workout. "I just can't" seems to be my phrase of choice. I'm not even bothering to make up an excuse, I just can't. I don't feel like I'm gorging myself, I'm not eating the best way I can, but I haven't gone off the deep end. I was on a trip last week with middle schoolers and was at the mercy of some theme park eating, but I didn't go crazy. I didn't feel well enough to each much most days. I moved a lot last week, but it was harder to move. My stomach has been pissed off for the last few weeks. I've been pumping it full of caffeine and sugar to keep myself awake and eating at odd times of the day. Not enough sleep and not enough water. I don't blame my body for being pissed. My legs swelled to size of tree trunks and I got a serious case of the heat rash on my legs while we were in Florida. So most of my down time has been spent with my legs in the air above my heart to bring the swelling down to my normal size. Ugh. Tired of my ailments and complaints yet? I am.
I have no one to blame but myself in this. I made these choices, I dug this hole, only I can get myself out. My man continues to do really well. He hasn't given into his wallowing and temptation. He is still eating well, I am cooking most of his "well" food and he is losing weight. The difference is....I snack and I don't move. He works out 5 days a week for over an hour and I'm a slug. So what's the solution? A cleanse? Starvation? Insanity workouts for 100 days straight? Fat Camp? Apply for the Biggest Loser? Sleep for a month and hopefully wake up skinnier? All seem tempting, pros, cons, craziness, logic....but nothing seems like it will work.
How do I break the crap food habit? How do I break the snacker habit? How come it's easy to say no to working out, but when people offer me food, I always say yes? How do I break the roller coaster? I think the answer to that question lies inside another question....How do you find perfect balance in life? Uhhhhhh......you frickin don't! How do I learn to put my health before the needs of others? I feel like that is a question I will ask myself as long as I'm on this earth. I feel heavy hearted by so many things and it makes my issues of fatness seem trivial. There are such bigger issues in this life, in the life I have right in front of me without even addressing the global issues in this life. I allow myself to be consumed by the these issues, these needs and I contemplate what I can do, what I NEED to do to help, to make things better. I don't see what's bad about that, except that I stay fat, even get fatter.
How do I get ahead? I help others move forward. I'll do anything I can to help others succeed to make something of themselves. I want that. I want to move forward consistently, not feel like for every 1 step forward, I take 3 steps in backwards, sideways and diagonal. I work three jobs, THREE jobs people. I do this because I want a comfortable life, I want to be ahead, I want to do ALL the things I love at the same time. I want to change lives, be an amazing chef, a real estate guru, the best friend, the dream wife, the best boss you've ever had....
I'm frustrated with myself. Have you been there? I'm sure you have. I couldn't be happier with the work I'm doing to change lives. I have been shown 100 fold lately how I am impacting lives and families. It feels amazing. I feel amazing inside my soul. I feel amazing about my ability to love, my ability to walk with people through all aspects of their life. I don't ever want to change that. I always want to feel the change I am making in the lives of others. But I'm still frustrated.
So....goals. The least I can do at this point is make goals. I'm not weighing in and sharing my failures at this point. So I can share goals and then share when I succeed! Right? The power of positive thinking.
1) Drink 3 of my giant starbucks cups full of water a day
2) Move 3-4 times a week. I was just gifted a bike. I've contemplated seeing how long it takes to bike to work.
3) Sleep 8 hours a night (I'm bringing this goal back)
4) Reduce my intake of sugar, caffeine and carbs
I need to do something. I need to make myself a priority.
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