Today I feel like a raging bull! Who do you think you are? You think you know me? You think you've walked a mile in my shoes? You think just because you see me on a regular basis means you know me and make judgements about my life or how it is lived? I'm steaming...attempting to keep my charging bull latched safely behind the fence.
These were my thoughts two days ago...on day 398. I started this post and then decided to step away...thank you for light applause you are all giving me on that one. I took the high road, attempted to calm the pissed off cow inside of me and deal with the situation instead of ripping someone apart via fat ladies blog. I succeeded...feel free to applause again. I confronted the demon and what do you know???, I came out the victor. My feels, my views, my requests and my way...won. Why? Because I was more reasonable, I used my 'oh wise fat girl wisdom' to argue my case and to allow the other person to feel like they were validated and a part of the decision too.
Validation is huge. I have this amazing friend...I may have mentioned her a few times before :)...and validation is one of our favorite and most healing practices. Have you ever needed validation and it never came? It blows. It's like someone telling you how you feel doesn't matter. That what you've been through isn't as important as what they've experienced. Or that somehow you deserved it or didn't deserve it. They look at you like "buck up Barbie", "that's your problem", "nobody can make you feel anything, you are in charge of your own feelings". All of those comments, all of those responses...when it comes down to it...are complete bullshit. They are ways for us to keep our distance, to judge people at their face value, to stay on the surface...where it's easier to ignore, deflect and make excuses.
Validation is real. To be able to validate someone's feelings, I mean TRULY validate them...means you are willing to go deep, to reach to the equally beautiful and hideous parts of you that live in the depths...bringing them to the surface. Using those parts of you to RELATE...to EMPATHIZE...to GRIEVE...to LAUGH...to CRY...to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY...to VALIDATE. No two experiences are ever alike...we can never say in good and honest faith that "we know EXACTLY how someone feels". You can't, it's impossible. Because no two people operate exactly the same way. We all bring a history, a story a lifetime of experiences to the table. It's what you do with those that make you REAL. Are you willing to be real, to go deep, to walk a marathon in their shoes. You don't even have to walk in their shoes, you can lace up your own and walk with them.
You don't know what it's like to be fat your whole life. You don't know what it's like to be bullied and treated like an outsider throughout your adolescence and teen years because you're fat. You don't know what it's like to to have your brother take his own life when he was 16 and you were a senior in college. You don't know what it's like to live in that grief everyday when you wake up. You don't know what it's like to have a Bret Kyle sized whole in your heart. You don't know what it's like to use food as a coping mechanism for all of those negative life experiences. To get yourself up to 303 pounds and wonder how the HELL you let yourself get like that.
You know what...that's ok. I don't expect you to know what that's like. That's my story. Is that my whole story? No. Did a lot of amazingly positive, spectacular, miraculous things happen in my life over the last 31 years...YES! Do I overlook those good things and constantly dwell on the shitty cards I've been dealt? No. Do I revisit those difficult experiences regularly? Yes. For a variety of reasons. To glean lessons, to seek healing, to seek reconciliation, to remember, to love, to grieve, to honor, to share, to relate....to validate.
I'm not fat because I'm a glutton, because I'm greedy or because I don't care about my health. Don't get me wrong, I frickin LOVE food. I'm fat because subconsciously my inner self tells me I'll feel better when I'm down, if I eat. You know what's great about this journey...is that sometimes I still allow that to be true and to be ok. Which is why at day 400 of this journey, I'm still only down 22 pounds from that starting point of 303. And when I started day 1, I wasn't 303, I was still chilling out in the extremely high 200s. I don't regret that. So I've succeeded, I've failed, I've resorted to old coping mechanisms. But my inner self won't change over night. If I could change my inner self over night, this journey would have been over long ago, I'd be at my healthy goal.
My inner Alison is changing, she is seeking, she is stretching, she is sharing, she is healing, she is changing. She is still recognizing where she's been, she is validating the young Alison, she is validating the current Alison and she is seeking support and love for the new Alison.
I'm healing the fat girl inside of me...so I can be the healthy woman I know I am inside and out.
Learn how to validate...learn how to seek validation...surround yourself with depth, with real people.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Day 397: Heights of Heaven, Depths of Hell
I'm low...to the ground...under the ground, feeling the warmth of what is possibly the earths core or perhaps the depths of hell. I don't like this place. My desire is not to live here...to not dwell here for too long. Why I'm here feels a bit of a mystery to me...I can't put my finger on any one thing that is bringing me here, dragging me here. My desire is to not leave until I know why I'm here.
I feel positive about quite a few things in life right now. I'm am working myself into a frenzy with my health. I am on a second round of a 24 Day Challenge and I've been sticking to my nutrition and my meal plan. It's been amazing to be able to share my results, to share my success and to watch others succeed. To watch my family take control and take charge of their health. To see pain disappear...to see old habits die quickly...I am feeling so hopeful for the health of our family.
Meal planning these last few months has been a key to my success. Writing out my meals, preparing them in advance has set me up to make good choices, has allowed me to say no and to avoid 'free eating'. I'm eating with a purpose. The purpose is to feed my body, to supply it with the nutrients it needs to survive. I've been prepping all of my food for an entire week in one day. It eliminates all of the excuses and I'm having a lot of fun converting my favorite recipes so that they fit into my plan. I'm allowing myself indulgences, but for the first time in my life...I feel like I am in control of those indulgences. I'm not indulging at the first sign of a bad day, to participate in eating rituals or to soothe myself. I can honestly say that today was a rough day, it was an emotional day, I shared a lot of my load today in hopes that someone can help lift the burden I am carrying for others...and I'm nervous. So my instinct right now as I'm writing is this is wrestling in my head with my 'self-soother' to convince me that I deserve to stop at the Buck tomorrow and treat myself to a carmel macchiato. NO, I don't need that. I will be just fine with my veggie egg bake for breakfast, I don't need that yummy dairy laden drink. I feel like I've pretty much convinced myself in the opposite direction and I will continue to fight that urge until I'm past the 3 Bucks I pass on the way to work.
I've been engaging my physical body, not it the most strenuous of workouts, but I have been walking...lots of miles at a time. It feels good. My body feels tired, exhausted. I want to push it, I desire more muscle. I have the tools, but I need to push, push past what is comfortable.
I found myself an amazing crew of friends who want to engage with meal prep with me, which makes it even easier to move forward and keep going. Knowing my family is working just as hard continues to spur me on to do and be my very best. Tomorrow is weigh in day, the end of day 10 and I can't wait to post my results.
What's ironic, is most of my life, when I have positive news to report or exciting things happening, rarely does it have to do with my health or my weight. Yet here is where I sit, with that very topic as the positive drive that's pulling me out of bed every morning.
So why am I here...wallowing in the depths...
I feel positive about quite a few things in life right now. I'm am working myself into a frenzy with my health. I am on a second round of a 24 Day Challenge and I've been sticking to my nutrition and my meal plan. It's been amazing to be able to share my results, to share my success and to watch others succeed. To watch my family take control and take charge of their health. To see pain disappear...to see old habits die quickly...I am feeling so hopeful for the health of our family.
Meal planning these last few months has been a key to my success. Writing out my meals, preparing them in advance has set me up to make good choices, has allowed me to say no and to avoid 'free eating'. I'm eating with a purpose. The purpose is to feed my body, to supply it with the nutrients it needs to survive. I've been prepping all of my food for an entire week in one day. It eliminates all of the excuses and I'm having a lot of fun converting my favorite recipes so that they fit into my plan. I'm allowing myself indulgences, but for the first time in my life...I feel like I am in control of those indulgences. I'm not indulging at the first sign of a bad day, to participate in eating rituals or to soothe myself. I can honestly say that today was a rough day, it was an emotional day, I shared a lot of my load today in hopes that someone can help lift the burden I am carrying for others...and I'm nervous. So my instinct right now as I'm writing is this is wrestling in my head with my 'self-soother' to convince me that I deserve to stop at the Buck tomorrow and treat myself to a carmel macchiato. NO, I don't need that. I will be just fine with my veggie egg bake for breakfast, I don't need that yummy dairy laden drink. I feel like I've pretty much convinced myself in the opposite direction and I will continue to fight that urge until I'm past the 3 Bucks I pass on the way to work.
I've been engaging my physical body, not it the most strenuous of workouts, but I have been walking...lots of miles at a time. It feels good. My body feels tired, exhausted. I want to push it, I desire more muscle. I have the tools, but I need to push, push past what is comfortable.
I found myself an amazing crew of friends who want to engage with meal prep with me, which makes it even easier to move forward and keep going. Knowing my family is working just as hard continues to spur me on to do and be my very best. Tomorrow is weigh in day, the end of day 10 and I can't wait to post my results.
What's ironic, is most of my life, when I have positive news to report or exciting things happening, rarely does it have to do with my health or my weight. Yet here is where I sit, with that very topic as the positive drive that's pulling me out of bed every morning.
So why am I here...wallowing in the depths...
Monday, January 7, 2013
Day 372: She works hard for the money, so hard for it honey
I work hard. I've been accused, praised, blamed, swayed, forced and chosen to work TOO hard most of the time. Most people think this is not a healthy way to live...but I feed off of chaos and being on the move constantly. I don't sit well, it's not in my blood. Though most mornings when I wake up I swear I could stay in bed for weeks and it wouldn't get old...then I get up. Once I'm up I can't imagine wasting my day sleeping when there is so much time in the day to accomplish some pretty amazing things. I don't want to let that potential slip away. That's time in the day to dream, love and do. All of my favorite things. The only problem with how hard I work is the lack of money that makes it way into my bank account...non-profit work is amazing for the heart and soul but difficult on the pocket-book. But I wouldn't change it for the world. My work feeds my soul, feeds my passion, feeds my heart and a lot of the time it feeds my stomach as well.
My work is what feeds me in the metaphoric sense, but I need to focus on what is feeding me literally, like nutrients, food, comida. I have been doing the Advocare system since October and been successful. So instead of making a New Years Resolution, something I usually quit after a month or two, I am going to make a life changing continuation of what I started months ago. I am going to add a few things and take a few things out of play. I will be taking myself on another 24 day challenge and then taking myself to a whole new level with the total transformation. I am beyond excited for the changes that are happening in my body and in my life as a result to the positive changes I am making. It has created a whole slew of positive changes I am seeking in my life.
But lets take a side track to talk about New Years Resolutions. I was discussing and poking fun at New Years Resolutions with some of the amazing people in my life today. Laughing about how crowded gyms, cross fit classes and greenlake are in the month of January. How annoying and frustrating that is for those people who access those places 12 months out of the year and not just for 2 months. That gyms gain almost 30% of their new memberships in the month of January and how many of those people work out for one month and then cancel their memberships. Now I laugh, poke fun and criticize...because I have been that person so many times. New Year, New You. How many companies/programs have used that slogan to drag me and other desperate fat people into their net? How many times has that slogan failed us? Too many to count and way more than I'd care to admit to. One friend of mine said today, "if you wanted to change your life, you could/should have done it already...you don't need to wait until the new year". I agree, I have wanted to change my life for years...shed my body of the fat suit I've been wearing. But I never wanted it enough, I wanted the initial and instant success and then when the going got tough...I got the hell out and went to the bakery. Ahhhh the magic that is consoling yourself with your favorite complex carbohydrates and sugared up delicacies. Then where was I?...right back where I started and most times fatter than where I started.
So...I'm not making any new years resolutions...I am committing to continue what I've started and continuing to surround myself with those people who are holding me accountable, that are pushing me to succeed, not allowing me to give up on myself, not allowing me to give up...again. I WANT this, I NEED this. Not only do I want this for me, I want this for the other women in my life, in my family. We are all addicted to soda...we have been consuming carbonated soda since we first came into contact with my mothers breast. I have been a diet coke addict since I was a baby, it flows through my veins, through our veins. I wonder if they have DCA, Diet Coke Anonymous? I have been Diet Coke free for 3 months, it feels amazing, but I can't say that it hasn't been hard. I was home for almost a week at Christmas and I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to pour myself a DC or run down to the corner store and get one. I caved twice and had a bottle of mexi-coke. It tasted great and I felt better about that choice then choosing DC. Since returning to Seattle, it's been easier to say no to it. I am getting used to 'sticking with water' when I go out and I am still acid reflux/heartburn free. I have been "free eating" for about a week and I definitely feel more lethargic and bloated. I am actually craving my clean meal plan. I have so much more energy, a desire to workout and as funny as it sounds, I move easier when I have the right nutrients in my body. I'm even more excited because the two other amazing women in my family have decided to challenge themselves right along with me. I am beyond elated, my heart is full and my expectations are HIGH! I cannot wait to share in this journey with them and watch them succeed.
My other BIG positive change that I am seeking...freedom from debt. I have accrued some debt in the form of credit card, student loan and car loans. Two of them I am ok with keeping and I'm sure you can guess which ones. I want to rid myself of credit card debt and store credit card debt. I want to say goodbye and never look back. My next positive life choice change will be eliminating unnecessary spending. I DO NOT need new clothes, I can imaginary shop for them on Pinterest. I have SO MANY CLOTHES, that I never wear, because I spend the majority of my days in yoga pants and Boys & Girls Club wear. My work uniform is easy, yet I continue to buy amazing complex clothing that I rarely get to wear. So...I am going to commit to necessities only (underwear, socks and pants that fit) for the next year. I look forward to fitting into a lot of the clothing that I have purchased and never worn. The big goal at the end of my debt freedom is taking on a mortgage. That's a debt that I can get on board with, because it means commitment and roots...two things I'm ready for. Spending will equal: Bills, Food (80% grocery), frugal Entertainment and frugal Travel. Will I go shopping with you? YES! Will I go to the movies with you? YES! Will I get pedicures? YES! I just need to be smarter about how I spend my money. Costco sucks the life out of my checking account on a regular basis because I NEED everything they sell there. Seriously...I do.
So...clean food, less money, more love. New Year....continuing to be Amazing ME!
My work is what feeds me in the metaphoric sense, but I need to focus on what is feeding me literally, like nutrients, food, comida. I have been doing the Advocare system since October and been successful. So instead of making a New Years Resolution, something I usually quit after a month or two, I am going to make a life changing continuation of what I started months ago. I am going to add a few things and take a few things out of play. I will be taking myself on another 24 day challenge and then taking myself to a whole new level with the total transformation. I am beyond excited for the changes that are happening in my body and in my life as a result to the positive changes I am making. It has created a whole slew of positive changes I am seeking in my life.
But lets take a side track to talk about New Years Resolutions. I was discussing and poking fun at New Years Resolutions with some of the amazing people in my life today. Laughing about how crowded gyms, cross fit classes and greenlake are in the month of January. How annoying and frustrating that is for those people who access those places 12 months out of the year and not just for 2 months. That gyms gain almost 30% of their new memberships in the month of January and how many of those people work out for one month and then cancel their memberships. Now I laugh, poke fun and criticize...because I have been that person so many times. New Year, New You. How many companies/programs have used that slogan to drag me and other desperate fat people into their net? How many times has that slogan failed us? Too many to count and way more than I'd care to admit to. One friend of mine said today, "if you wanted to change your life, you could/should have done it already...you don't need to wait until the new year". I agree, I have wanted to change my life for years...shed my body of the fat suit I've been wearing. But I never wanted it enough, I wanted the initial and instant success and then when the going got tough...I got the hell out and went to the bakery. Ahhhh the magic that is consoling yourself with your favorite complex carbohydrates and sugared up delicacies. Then where was I?...right back where I started and most times fatter than where I started.
So...I'm not making any new years resolutions...I am committing to continue what I've started and continuing to surround myself with those people who are holding me accountable, that are pushing me to succeed, not allowing me to give up on myself, not allowing me to give up...again. I WANT this, I NEED this. Not only do I want this for me, I want this for the other women in my life, in my family. We are all addicted to soda...we have been consuming carbonated soda since we first came into contact with my mothers breast. I have been a diet coke addict since I was a baby, it flows through my veins, through our veins. I wonder if they have DCA, Diet Coke Anonymous? I have been Diet Coke free for 3 months, it feels amazing, but I can't say that it hasn't been hard. I was home for almost a week at Christmas and I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to pour myself a DC or run down to the corner store and get one. I caved twice and had a bottle of mexi-coke. It tasted great and I felt better about that choice then choosing DC. Since returning to Seattle, it's been easier to say no to it. I am getting used to 'sticking with water' when I go out and I am still acid reflux/heartburn free. I have been "free eating" for about a week and I definitely feel more lethargic and bloated. I am actually craving my clean meal plan. I have so much more energy, a desire to workout and as funny as it sounds, I move easier when I have the right nutrients in my body. I'm even more excited because the two other amazing women in my family have decided to challenge themselves right along with me. I am beyond elated, my heart is full and my expectations are HIGH! I cannot wait to share in this journey with them and watch them succeed.
My other BIG positive change that I am seeking...freedom from debt. I have accrued some debt in the form of credit card, student loan and car loans. Two of them I am ok with keeping and I'm sure you can guess which ones. I want to rid myself of credit card debt and store credit card debt. I want to say goodbye and never look back. My next positive life choice change will be eliminating unnecessary spending. I DO NOT need new clothes, I can imaginary shop for them on Pinterest. I have SO MANY CLOTHES, that I never wear, because I spend the majority of my days in yoga pants and Boys & Girls Club wear. My work uniform is easy, yet I continue to buy amazing complex clothing that I rarely get to wear. So...I am going to commit to necessities only (underwear, socks and pants that fit) for the next year. I look forward to fitting into a lot of the clothing that I have purchased and never worn. The big goal at the end of my debt freedom is taking on a mortgage. That's a debt that I can get on board with, because it means commitment and roots...two things I'm ready for. Spending will equal: Bills, Food (80% grocery), frugal Entertainment and frugal Travel. Will I go shopping with you? YES! Will I go to the movies with you? YES! Will I get pedicures? YES! I just need to be smarter about how I spend my money. Costco sucks the life out of my checking account on a regular basis because I NEED everything they sell there. Seriously...I do.
So...clean food, less money, more love. New Year....continuing to be Amazing ME!
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