I'm low...to the ground...under the ground, feeling the warmth of what is possibly the earths core or perhaps the depths of hell. I don't like this place. My desire is not to live here...to not dwell here for too long. Why I'm here feels a bit of a mystery to me...I can't put my finger on any one thing that is bringing me here, dragging me here. My desire is to not leave until I know why I'm here.
I feel positive about quite a few things in life right now. I'm am working myself into a frenzy with my health. I am on a second round of a 24 Day Challenge and I've been sticking to my nutrition and my meal plan. It's been amazing to be able to share my results, to share my success and to watch others succeed. To watch my family take control and take charge of their health. To see pain disappear...to see old habits die quickly...I am feeling so hopeful for the health of our family.
Meal planning these last few months has been a key to my success. Writing out my meals, preparing them in advance has set me up to make good choices, has allowed me to say no and to avoid 'free eating'. I'm eating with a purpose. The purpose is to feed my body, to supply it with the nutrients it needs to survive. I've been prepping all of my food for an entire week in one day. It eliminates all of the excuses and I'm having a lot of fun converting my favorite recipes so that they fit into my plan. I'm allowing myself indulgences, but for the first time in my life...I feel like I am in control of those indulgences. I'm not indulging at the first sign of a bad day, to participate in eating rituals or to soothe myself. I can honestly say that today was a rough day, it was an emotional day, I shared a lot of my load today in hopes that someone can help lift the burden I am carrying for others...and I'm nervous. So my instinct right now as I'm writing is this is wrestling in my head with my 'self-soother' to convince me that I deserve to stop at the Buck tomorrow and treat myself to a carmel macchiato. NO, I don't need that. I will be just fine with my veggie egg bake for breakfast, I don't need that yummy dairy laden drink. I feel like I've pretty much convinced myself in the opposite direction and I will continue to fight that urge until I'm past the 3 Bucks I pass on the way to work.
I've been engaging my physical body, not it the most strenuous of workouts, but I have been walking...lots of miles at a time. It feels good. My body feels tired, exhausted. I want to push it, I desire more muscle. I have the tools, but I need to push, push past what is comfortable.
I found myself an amazing crew of friends who want to engage with meal prep with me, which makes it even easier to move forward and keep going. Knowing my family is working just as hard continues to spur me on to do and be my very best. Tomorrow is weigh in day, the end of day 10 and I can't wait to post my results.
What's ironic, is most of my life, when I have positive news to report or exciting things happening, rarely does it have to do with my health or my weight. Yet here is where I sit, with that very topic as the positive drive that's pulling me out of bed every morning.
So why am I here...wallowing in the depths...
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