Today I feel like a raging bull! Who do you think you are? You think you know me? You think you've walked a mile in my shoes? You think just because you see me on a regular basis means you know me and make judgements about my life or how it is lived? I'm steaming...attempting to keep my charging bull latched safely behind the fence.
These were my thoughts two days ago...on day 398. I started this post and then decided to step away...thank you for light applause you are all giving me on that one. I took the high road, attempted to calm the pissed off cow inside of me and deal with the situation instead of ripping someone apart via fat ladies blog. I succeeded...feel free to applause again. I confronted the demon and what do you know???, I came out the victor. My feels, my views, my requests and my way...won. Why? Because I was more reasonable, I used my 'oh wise fat girl wisdom' to argue my case and to allow the other person to feel like they were validated and a part of the decision too.
Validation is huge. I have this amazing friend...I may have mentioned her a few times before :)...and validation is one of our favorite and most healing practices. Have you ever needed validation and it never came? It blows. It's like someone telling you how you feel doesn't matter. That what you've been through isn't as important as what they've experienced. Or that somehow you deserved it or didn't deserve it. They look at you like "buck up Barbie", "that's your problem", "nobody can make you feel anything, you are in charge of your own feelings". All of those comments, all of those responses...when it comes down to it...are complete bullshit. They are ways for us to keep our distance, to judge people at their face value, to stay on the surface...where it's easier to ignore, deflect and make excuses.
Validation is real. To be able to validate someone's feelings, I mean TRULY validate them...means you are willing to go deep, to reach to the equally beautiful and hideous parts of you that live in the depths...bringing them to the surface. Using those parts of you to RELATE...to EMPATHIZE...to GRIEVE...to LAUGH...to CRY...to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY...to VALIDATE. No two experiences are ever alike...we can never say in good and honest faith that "we know EXACTLY how someone feels". You can't, it's impossible. Because no two people operate exactly the same way. We all bring a history, a story a lifetime of experiences to the table. It's what you do with those that make you REAL. Are you willing to be real, to go deep, to walk a marathon in their shoes. You don't even have to walk in their shoes, you can lace up your own and walk with them.
You don't know what it's like to be fat your whole life. You don't know what it's like to be bullied and treated like an outsider throughout your adolescence and teen years because you're fat. You don't know what it's like to to have your brother take his own life when he was 16 and you were a senior in college. You don't know what it's like to live in that grief everyday when you wake up. You don't know what it's like to have a Bret Kyle sized whole in your heart. You don't know what it's like to use food as a coping mechanism for all of those negative life experiences. To get yourself up to 303 pounds and wonder how the HELL you let yourself get like that.
You know what...that's ok. I don't expect you to know what that's like. That's my story. Is that my whole story? No. Did a lot of amazingly positive, spectacular, miraculous things happen in my life over the last 31 years...YES! Do I overlook those good things and constantly dwell on the shitty cards I've been dealt? No. Do I revisit those difficult experiences regularly? Yes. For a variety of reasons. To glean lessons, to seek healing, to seek reconciliation, to remember, to love, to grieve, to honor, to share, to relate....to validate.
I'm not fat because I'm a glutton, because I'm greedy or because I don't care about my health. Don't get me wrong, I frickin LOVE food. I'm fat because subconsciously my inner self tells me I'll feel better when I'm down, if I eat. You know what's great about this journey...is that sometimes I still allow that to be true and to be ok. Which is why at day 400 of this journey, I'm still only down 22 pounds from that starting point of 303. And when I started day 1, I wasn't 303, I was still chilling out in the extremely high 200s. I don't regret that. So I've succeeded, I've failed, I've resorted to old coping mechanisms. But my inner self won't change over night. If I could change my inner self over night, this journey would have been over long ago, I'd be at my healthy goal.
My inner Alison is changing, she is seeking, she is stretching, she is sharing, she is healing, she is changing. She is still recognizing where she's been, she is validating the young Alison, she is validating the current Alison and she is seeking support and love for the new Alison.
I'm healing the fat girl inside of me...so I can be the healthy woman I know I am inside and out.
Learn how to validate...learn how to seek validation...surround yourself with depth, with real people.
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