Day 77: Over the river and through the woods

Let's get right to business!  I have been out of cell service and internet range for the last 3 days and had a hell of a week last week which is been my delay in updating you all.  I did weigh in, however it wasn't at my weight watchers meeting like I had planned, it was at home the following day.  Wednesday was one of the most emotional days I have had in a LONG time and a series of unexpected events kept me reeling all day long.

First things first...

Current Weight:  277.4
Weight Lost this Week: 4.2  (somewhere my calculations got off between my home scale and the scale at weight watcher, the reason being I weigh in with my clothes on at weight watchers and I weigh in my birthday suit at home :)  Anywho...The weight watchers scale told me I gained 3 pounds last week and then I weighed myself this week at home and I weighed 4.2 pounds less.  It means I lost the weight I gained and more.  This doesn't line up with my last weight posted on the blog, but I'm feeling good about it nonetheless.
Total Weight Loss:  16.4
Pounds to Go:  102.4

Well there you have it, still on my way back down.  Feeling good about being on track and now I just need to stay that way.  This week hasn't been ideal, but my body has been doing well at telling me what it likes and what it doesn't like.  I took a group of teens up to cabin for a weekend retreat and I ate a lot of things I loved to eat in high school.  I made them tons of treats and lots of decadent meals.  My body was PISSED, at one point I actually had a violent vomit episode.  I went to bed because I was tired and still fighting a nasty cough and cold and my body woke me up to rid itself of the crap I had eaten that day.  I don't enjoy the vomit.  I like eating food and keeping it down, but I think my body was trying to tell me something.  Enough is enough.

I leave tomorrow night for a 6 day trip with more amazing teens and we will be on the road, which means eating out for every meal or eating what is provided at our conference.  I get nervous about that, the best part about this trip is that I have my man by my side.  He has been on a healthy journey as well since his colon cleanse and he has of course had huge success in a small amount of time.  Another plight for women, men losing weight faster and easier, SUCK IT!  Seriously, it's not fair.  BUT, the good thing is he is supportive and we have been talking about how we are going to stay on track and not just go nuts so that we come back bigger than when we left.  The bad part about this trip is going to be that the lack of sleep with be severe, maybe 4-5 a night if we are lucky.  So, caffeine will undoubtedly be on the rise and that's not something I get excited about.  We will keep pushing down the water, but the caffeine will be necessary for being a functioning human being.  This is one of my favorite trips that I take every year.  These teens are my life, they are the reason I get up every morning and do the things I do and the reason I work myself to the bone, so that I can give myself to them.

Never more has this been true than in this last week.  These have been some of the most emotional days I have had in this job.  Watching my teens struggle, seeing the pain of life be revealed in someone who has never allowed themselves to feel, is amazing and horrific at the same time.  The things I have heard and the things I have felt this last week will change me forever.  The Lord has shown me why He put me where I am today.  He has used the pain in my life for good.  He has used my life experiences to prepare me for the things I am experiencing now.  I seek to love, to love others I want to be loved.  I love my "kids" at the Club the way I want to be loved, unconditionally.  I tell them constantly that I love them, no matter what.  That I love them regardless of the choices they make and I will support who they are as a person.  I may not always agree with what they do, but I will love them regardless.  I have seen that come full circle many times, but none more real than the situation I had last week and one I had last year as well.  I will continue to love the way I am loved.  It's amazing....try it.

Pain is real, love is real, this journey is real.  I want to get back to my weight loss.  I feel like there is so much more to share and I will continue.  I am at one of those points in life right now where I wonder why the Lord has so much faith in my strength and abilities, cause I'm feeling at the end of my rope right now.  I know I am being loved and supported....but it doesn't make it easier.

I don't want to be fat forever...let's work on that.

Day 68: A fat girls plight

I've gotten over my tantrum from Wednesday's 3 pound weight gain.  I think there are a lot of factors that contributed to that weight gain and I'm hoping to see all of those reasons flushed out before next Wednesday.  I'm not giving up my new water regimen and I can't help when my monthly friend comes to visit.  So I'm assuming that my body was holding on to lots of liquid.  I already feel better and like my body has let go of some of this water weight.  I've been sticking to the workout routine.  Swam and walked my ass off this week with lots of awesome accountability worker outers. This is a shout out and a thank you to all of you who are helping me with this and supporting me on a daily basis.

Plight....what is a plight?...."A dangerous, difficult or otherwise unfortunate situation".  Some definite unfortunate situations have happened in some of my friends lives lately and I look at my own life and have definitely had my fair share of 'plights'.  The one I am referring to in this post though is the fat girls plight, which inevitably is what keeps fat girls fat and is the definition of low self esteem and self worth.  Putting ourselves in situations where we think we are being accepted and supported. But what turns out to be is that this man or this "good friend" who wants something from us. That in itself is the definition of the fat girls plight, choosing to be used and abused because you seek acceptance and love.

You may still be wondering...what is the fat girls plight?  Well, if you are fat or have every been fat you will understand this.  Not to say that people who are skinny won't understand, but I feel this as a fat girl.  I know that this applies to anyone who don't fit the "norm", but again, I feel it as a fat girl.  The world has taught me and the world has shown me, that who I am is "not ok".  That no one will ever love me romantically if I'm overweight, that nobody ways to marry a fat girl.  So much of my life has been spent trying to lose weight, trying to make myself 'acceptable' to society.  I spent a lot of middle school and high school being treated like a fat girl, though I would give anything to be that weight again.  But my peers didn't see me that way, I was fat compared to them.  Having a "crush" was crazy, so crazy that even if I had one (and I definitely did), I couldn't tell anyone about it.  Why?  Because they would look at me crazy and let me know non verbally that I didn't stand a chance, why?, because I was fat and unpopular.  I needed to accept my place at the bottom of the barrel.  I finally got to a place in life, where I realized how much I was worth, regardless of how big or small I was.  I am so thankful that I know my worth, that I know who I am inside and out and that this time my journey is seeking to live a longer life.  

I have self worth, I love myself and I know who I am...for the most part.  I have had some other great conversations with another great woman in my life, where we have pondered over the way we are raised as women.  That even though we love ourselves and we know our worth, we still are raised to assume the worst out of men.  That they are only out to hurt us and that we should question every move they make.  As a fat girl, I feel this even more so.  There were numerous times in my life where I was led to believe I had a friend or that someone might actually like me, but it was all a sham and it was rubbed in my face.  Basically telling me that I was fool to believe that I was worth someone else's time or that they had any interest in me as a person.  All they really wanted was to use me for one reason or another.  And the more you are used and abused, the more you believe all that shit you are told.  Fat girls are notoriously those girls with low self esteem, those who are constantly seeking acceptance.  So they allow others to use and abuse them because they want to be accepted, even just for a minute.  They usually don't realize until too late that it's a sham and thus perpetuates who they are.  It's a vicious cycle that for a lot of the girls, leads to eating and more eating and staying fat.  That was me....middle school....high school....and even college.  I am willing to bet there are a million women who have lived the fat girls plight and many who are still living it today.  

I have a man who loves me, a man who chose me at my heaviest.  Yet there are still days where my fat girl gets the best of me and she looks at him and asks on the inside 'why is he with me?', 'is he going to cheat on me when he finds someone skinnier?' and a million other horrible questions.  Why are we raised to believe we aren't good enough?  Why are we raised to believe that every man will cheat on us?  Why?  Because we have seen so many good men who are married to or committed to amazing women...who have cheated.  That's when your fat girl plight takes over, and says, "well if she can't keep her man, how do I even have a chance."  

I know all of this may seem crazy, but it's what I've been thinking about lately.  I do have a man, a man who loves me.  A man who encourages me when I'm working on being healthy and a man who will eat with me when I want to eat.  He has never made me feel fat, he makes me feel beautiful.  I'm gonna go with that, I'm gonna believe in that.

I want all of you to find a place of self-worth, a place where you love yourself no matter what.  A place where you believe in what is good and right and a place where you seek to love others, not judge others.  Love the people in your life regardless of their weight, race, religion, sex or personal choices.  Love people for who they are.

Day 65: Im sexy and I know it....

That's what I've been telling myself. Thanks to LMFAO. Though you wouldn't know it if you saw the scale at weight watchers today. Maybe it's because I'm full of water or because I wore jeans instead of yoga pants to weigh it, but I gained 3 pounds!!!!!!!!

How is that possible? I'm beyond frustrated. I have ramped up my water intake in the last 4+ days and I plan on continuing to drink that much water. I know it's good from me and I haven't had a diet coke in three days because I've been drinking so much water.

I have also been an all star with working out this week. I've walked over 8 miles and swam 3 times in the past 4 days.

So what gives?? I'll let you do the math today as I'm frustrated and not in the mood to post stats.

Sorry for my negativity, but I'm at a loss. Hoping for more happiness and positivity next week!! I'll keep moving it along, but I know this is to be expected at some point. Still doesn't make me happy about it.

Day 63: Roller coaster baby baby!

Life is a roller coaster.  There is no better way to explain it.  Huge ups, huge downs and lots of in between. At times I feel like I'm still a kid and other times I feel like a crippled old lady.  Life is amazing in that way in that I can feel and be both of those people in one day.  I can be bounding and bouncing and full of life and then feel it almost necessary to use a walker to get around like an hour later.

Things have gone fairly well this week.  I haven't gone completely out of control....though those damn girl scout cookies are not helping me at all.  I had been working out, got most of my schedule in tact and my accountability partners have been coming in slowly but surely and I pumped.  I walked the pooch on Saturday for a good hour plus and then Sunday my biggest fan and I hit Greenlake.  I was feeling ambitious and some serious guilt after indulging in the worlds best nachos and about 6 "pieces" of a cupcake on Saturday night.  Though I must say that I was REALLY good about not eating much and saving most of my points knowing I was going out to dinner on Saturday.  Nonetheless, there was guilt and my guild drove me to push myself to do two laps around Greenlake, which is almost 6 miles mind you.  My lovely lady obliged and we did two laps in a little under an hour and a half.  Felt really good, though hours later we both felt like we had been run over by a bus.  I spent the rest of the day laying in bed and heating my knees and back with my heating pads.  I also spent most of today limping and hobbling.  Who knew that walking two times around the lake was that much harder on your body than just one.  Not this girl, that's for sure.  I was thinking it would be no problem, but apparently it was crippling to my body.  I even tried to counteract how sore I was today by dressing up really cute and it backfired in my face.  I should have worn yoga pants, sweatshirt and slippers, the dress and the boots were too much for my posture to handle.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about motivation and what is motivating me, to workout and to eat.  I am seeking to have others help motivate me to keep going physically.  At this point, I'm good with that, it makes me feel a little bit like a kid because I know I can't be trusted to do it on my own.  But admitting that to myself and seeking assistance in the form of accountability it a big step for me.  I have also set my alarms in the morning to remind me why I and getting my ass out of bed that early.  My absolute last chance alarm to get up and work out now reads...."Do you want to be this fat forever?".  Harsh I know, but honestly I smile, laugh on the inside, sometimes the outside and then I get my fat ass out of bed.  Because, NO, I don't want to be fat forever and that pushes me out of bed.  We will have to see what other kind of phrases I can use to shock myself out of bed.  I'm thinking maybe...."You bought a $140 LuLu hoodie, it still doesn't fit....get up!"....or maybe "One-derland is just a short 70 pounds away...get up or you could be headed back to three hundred land."...or everyone's favorite "Does everything still jiggle when you walk?....then get up!"  I'm sure I could come up with a hundred more, but for now this is motivation enough :).

I had an epiphany today around food.  I think I will need to have a million epiphanies like this in order to get myself where I want to be.  I love Monday's (that's not the epiphany), because I get to see some of my favorite people in the world, my high schoolers.  I love the hours of 2:30-6 on Mondays.  That's the time I'm in my office and they come in and out in groups, hanging out, talking, laughing and being in relationship with each other.  Getting to be a part of that is the happiest time of my week.  We then have our official meeting at 6, get down to business and then I get to share a meal with whoever is around afterwards, usually the same crew.  I was going to 'skip' dinner with them tonight because I had started a new "cleanse".  I was chatting with my 'president on paper' and was explaining why I couldn't go to Pho with him and others tonight.  I was on my newest 'fad cleanse detox plan'.  This is like the 3rd one I've tried in the last 2 months, that's a problem.  I didn't think it was a problem, but it is.  I thought I was just seeking to be healthy to get myself that next "jump start" on weight loss.  But I know from experience and surprisingly I was reminded by this awesome teen in my life that this isn't what creates long lasting change. That's a state of mind.  I also realized that doing this cleanse for 3 days isn't going to do a whole lot for me except make me want to eat the things I "can't have".  I remembered why I loved WW when I started it....I could eat whatever I wanted, but I just need to be in control and in moderation.  I had been doing so well all day and all I wanted to do was go eat Pho with my favorite people.  I was going to deprive myself of that, even though I was well within my points, for the sake of the cleanse.  I'm crazy.  I can determine though that I was me looking for that next quick fix.  The world tells us all we need is this great new product, just buy these pills, just buy this workout dvd, just join this gym and the fat will just fall off of your body.  So........NOT TRUE!  Though I continue to believe these lies.  So again I am thankful for my teens and what they bring to my life.  Clarity.

So....I had a great day, started it off with lap swim, ate really well all day and ended my day with some amazing Pho with some amazing people in my life.  I am now setting my alarm to "Do you want to be this fat forever?" and I have my bag packed for lap swim with my girl Sara in the morning.  I'm gonna finish off all the great dark green veggies and lean protein I got for the cleanse and leave my dinner choices up to me.  I feel great about that balance.  What do you think?