Day 359: Talk is cheap, love is real

It's been almost a full year since I started my official open journey with myself and my eating issues, my weight issues, my life issues.  It's been 174 days since my last post and as I go back and ready that last post I came to a conclusion...talk is cheap.  I made a lot of statements in that post that rang very true and are still true to this day, but I also made some commitments, some of which I carried out and worked well....others, never started or failed soon after initial attempts were made.  I promised not to be a stranger, to keep myself accountable and to post regularly so that I had a way to process.  I failed at that, in epic proportions.  I did process, with those in my life, but I didn't put down what was plaguing me and what I was dealing with on a daily basis.  I have struggled, in so many different ways and as I look at my life, I know that my reality is that this will never change.  I will always struggle.  I have started quite a few different posts over the last few months, but deleted every one of them, some of them in my mind and some of them on paper.  I have thought about so many different aspects of my weight that are hurtful, bothersome, uncomfortable and bring anger to my life.  My reality is that I can't change the past, I can't change how others have treated or hurt me.  I can process through it, I can seek reconciliation, I can seek healing and change in my own life.  My expectations of others and situations continue to plague me, unrealistic is an understatement.

What I do know...love is real.  Love from my man, my family, my friends, my community...that has not changed.  I am in awe of their ability to love in spite of everything, in spite of me gaining weight and reaching an all time high of 303 pounds.  I am in awe of their ability to encourage me as I promise to take better care of myself.  They don't hound me, they don't criticize, they don't fault me.  They love my humanity.  They know that my heart is bigger than my stomach and that my capacity for love is what at times drives my appetite for food and for life.  That as I struggle through the drastic changes in my professional life this year, I have eaten those unfortunate and hurtful transitions.  That I have again made the commitment to others and not to myself.  In my last post I faulted myself greatly for what a disgusting excuse for a human being I was because I could't figure out how to take care of myself.  But I realized something over the last 6 months, that I care more about my heart and my capacity for love and life than I care for the capacity that my jeans have to hold my body.  So...I gained weight...it came back...

Endurance is something I have though...I may give up for periods of time...but my drive and desire will inevitably resurface and this time it's because of my capacity for love.  I desire to love my family, to support my family and to be an example for my family.  Not just physically, but emotionally.  I want to be an example for them in how I communicate, in how I love, in the choices I make, in the places I go and how I live my life as a whole.  I want to see one of my immediate family members be cured of her disease, I want to be an example for her, that she can overcome, that she can do it, that she can step over that threshold and take charge of her life and her destiny.  I want my other family member to continue to seek healing for her broken heart for her years of childhood pain that plague her into her adult life.  I want to see her return to her former glory, to love herself enough to come back fully in her role in our lives.  I want to see an extended family that is broken over the pain they have endured at the hands of a dying mother, to be reconciled and healed.

All of these things are possible.  What do we need?  LOVE, HONESTY, COMPASSION, COMMUNICATION.  So many of life's issues could be solved using these four words and the actions that follow.

Now what does this all have to do with my weight?  Everything.  I have come to a few more conclusions as I struggle through this journey.  I don't have control.  I don't do well with free choice.  I hate transition, it's hard.  So...I've started with a new plan.  I have started a new system.  It comes with controlled choice.  It comes with amazing helpful and supportive people that are personable, that have my phone number and seek to be in relationship with me.  I started Advocare in October, right before Halloween.  I figured that if I could survive through the holiday season and not gain weight, I could make it.  I have done just that.  I have lost 20 pounds and 23 inches since starting this system just before Halloween.  If offers me things I need to succeed and these people believe that I can reach my goal in a just over a year, which has never been something I though possible.  I discovered that on weight watchers, while I was successful, it left me with limitless free choice.  If you want to save all your points and eat chocolate cake, you can.  I know myself well enough now that I don't do well with free choice.  I will always choose what is comforting to me in I have the choice and it's the overdosing of those choices that led me to 303 pounds.  Yowza!  So, while WW works for others, I realized it wasn't for me.  I did extensive research on Advocare and talked to lots of different people before deciding to commit and even then, I was skeptical.  But again, I believe...and this time I NEED this to work for me...because I need to pave this road for myself and for others.  I have people in my life who need this...to cure pain and disease.  I want to be the example, but first and foremost I want to succeed for me.  This plan is re-training my body to desire food that feeds my body and I haven't felt sad to lose things or walk away.  I have said good-bye to Diet Coke.  I have been drinking Diet Coke since I was in the womb.  I was a 6-8 can a day kinda girl.  Over the last year it has caused me quite a bit of pain in the form of acid reflux.  I have been Diet Coke/soda free since beginning Advocare and I haven't had heartburn or reflux even once.  I feel cured, free from that bond that has had a hold of me my whole life.

I have yet to integrate regular work outs into my regime, but I want to rebuild muscle.  I never returned to boxing, like promised.  I let that Groupon waste away in my purse.  I am working my way towards P90X.  I have the system, I've done all the workouts, but now I need to do them regularly and with some kind of persistence to get the results I want.  Time...it's what I have given myself as a gift.  Transformation doesn't happen tomorrow, or the next day, but over time.  Habits don't change over night, they change over time.

Being fit, staying a foodie, it's what I still desire for my life.  My roller coaster hasn't stopped, I haven't gotten off.  I don't know if I ever will.  I think the car I am in has magical powers though as it has the ability to jump tracks and I am seemingly unharmed (at least in the physical sense).  My roller coaster takes different focus as obstacles are thrown my way.  I'm ok with that.  The straight and narrow is boring, that's not me.  I thrive on the ups and downs.  They bring change and growth, something that is absolutely necessary in the life I lead, the lives we all lead.

Thank you to those of you who have never stopped loving me, who listen to my cheap talk and encourage, support and love me anyway.  I know you will continue to do so, because I know your hearts and you know mine.  I have so many other topics that I have started and stopped this year because of fear, transition, failure, conflict....they are coming....they still plague my thoughts and my heart.

Here is a photo update for you all that shows my progression since October when I again grabbed my health by the horns...