What day is it? I lost count.

It's been months...though at times it feels like eternity.  Months since I've been honest in the open of the "universe".  I've been honest in my circle, open it my heart.  It's rough though...when you are going through IT, to be real with everyone.  Admitting failure is difficult, admitting you were purposely blind to things that weren't good for you because it was more convenient.  Embarrassing.  I had to say NO, which isn't a word I use very often.  I am a doer, a yes woman.  I can take it all on, I can do it all and more often than not, I can probably do it better than you.  So when that isn't true, I pretend like it is.  Like I have control over it, like I "wanted" it this way.  Create some bull shit about how it's healthy and we are working and I am going through a phase and I can change if I want to.  NO.  NO.  NO.  That's a lie.  I wasn't happy, things weren't good.  So...I said NO.  And guess what...shit got real.  Things got multitudes worse and I struggled.  But NO came easy, which made me know it was right.

Now...things are better.  I can still say NO, but only when I need to.  We are working, things are better and it's what I want.  Rarely am I worried about myself or more importantly what is best for me.  I make sure everyone else is taken care of.  We know this about me, it's at the heart of my story.  So it's taking time to get the rest of my life in line so that all versions of myself are healthy and that my life is supporting me, not dragging me down.

My support system is doing a better job at taking care of me, but I am struggling to get myself on board with it.  I slipped, again, I fell again.  Weight is back.  Hope is not lost.  I have quite a few plans for myself and for my body.  I just need to get those plans into action and I need to get my brain to cooperate with my heart.  My priorities during the summer always stray away from....ME.  My priorities are my kids, my teens and my club.  The summer started out with stress knifing me in the stomach...literally.  It has begun to ease and I have been able to think a bit more about where I am going, what I am doing.

I'm not sure if where I am right now is completely where I should be.  In terms of my body and health, I know it's not.  But in terms of my talents and where I choose to share them, I'm at a crossroads.  Things need to shape up or I may ship out.  So much unhappiness has consumed what I love so dear.  Things need to change.

I'm working on it folks.