Yup, that's right, shame. I feel ashamed for how this last week has gone. After my glorious weigh in last week I became completely delusional. I told myself I had it under control, but boy was I wrong. I haven't "tracked" once in the last week, well not honestly anyway. If my tracking isn't honest, then what's the point really, it's not going to do me any good. I am also sorry to say that I made really good excuses for my poor food choice and got to the point where I was just like F*** it, I'm gonna eat this. Thus sabatoging myself.
This is another form of Alison that I hate. She's really good and self-sabatoge and when she isn't in good communication with her support system, she allows herself to fail. So, as a result of my S-H-A-M-E, I am NOT going to Weight Watchers today. I will NOT be weighing in. I know that I haven't lost weight this week, the only thing saving me from not gaining too much weight is that I have had a serious bout with the runny poo, otherwise known as diarrhea. My poor food choices this week have brought back my serious stomach pains and issues. I get this a few times a year and it's usually due to stress. I am definitely stressed with the work load on my plate right now, something I have also been delusional about in the last week, pretending like I have control over it. I don't. I think in sync with my stress is the poor food choices from the last week and thus the diarrhea.
I am even more sad to say that I haven't worked out since last Wednesday either. It's like I gave myself permission to have the week off. This morning (the reason for my early post), I made myself get out of bed and go swim laps and later today in place of my Weight Watchers meeting I will be walking Greenlake with the magnificent Kate. Something I think I need far more than my WW meeting.
So, I would first like to apologize for the shit show that was my food life this week and promise to get back on track in the next week so I have something to show for it next week.
This week despite some poor choices has been full of love. The man showed some good love this week, especially in terms of V-Day and the return of one of my favorite teens (now a young man) from Marine boot camp had definitely put a spring in my step. It's been great to connect with the people who surround me daily.
The love has been present the last two days with these great people, I have felt some serious grief and longing for my family. I have been struggling greatly with my grief and it's not been easy. For those of you who don't know (though I'm not sure how many people are actually reading this that don't know my life), I lost my youngest brother in 2003, almost 10 years ago. He was 16 when he died and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wake up thinking about him and wishing things were different. It's hard, really f***ing hard. I'll leave you with the message I left him yesterday as I struggle to get back on track this week.
'BKS, I love you so much! Losing you has taught me how to love more deeply, how to love unconditionally and how to never let a day pass without telling someone that I love them. I cannot wait until we get to hug again, all I want is to hug you and run my fingers through your crazy head of hair. The way you loved others, constantly pushes me to love outside my comfort zone and to love people regardless of the things they have done. My tears are welling up now just thinking of how losing you has made me a better person. I LOVE you so much!'
No more eating, just start moving...
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