Ha! I ventured on a trip this weekend my friends, which was a much needed break for my life and thus caused a 4 day break in blogging. I did attend my very first college basketball game and it was glorious! My amazing friend Noelle is from Oregon, she is a die hard Duck fan and I love that about her. I am a die hard lover of the state of Oregon. My allegiances lie in the coast of Oregon, specifically the area between Tillamook and Depoe Bay. If I could get rich quick, I would move to Lincoln City, OR and live there for the rest of my days, no doubt about that. You can ask anyone else in my family and they'd tell you the exact same thing. Though we'd visit our cabin in Wallowa Lake a few times a year. So, my beautiful friend Noelle has been exposing me to the other great cities that are within the state of Oregon. First Medford and now Eugene. She has a great family friend that works for the U of O and not only did we get to attend the Ducks vs. WSU game on Saturday afternoon, but I got to watch the Ducks beat the Cougs front and center behind the Duck bench. It was A-MAZE-ING!! That arena is unbelievable!! I felt very lucky to be blessed to get that 'first time' experience. I completed my experience with a souvenir cup and a U of O sweatshirt for my ridiculously large sweatshirt collection.
This weekend brought back for me some ugly versions of myself that I would like to forget, none of them having to do with my food choices, but everything to do with why I got the way I was in the first place. I had an interaction with someone who is a complete stranger to me this weekend, and I allowed that person to make me feel like I was nobody. I spent the majority of my high school career feeling like I was nobody. I was the fat girl that no one wanted to invest their time in. I was quiet, timid and afraid of who I had the ability to be. So, I kept my mouth shut (of course unless their was food going in it). I allowed others to dictate to my life, to walk all over me and to basically use me and abuse me. It was horrible. I had a saving grace in the handful of friends I had that went to my church and also to my school, that loved me for me, but even then, one of those people often found it easy to toss me to the wayside. I know that some of you who read this blog went to my high school and some of you were those church friends. Know that I was really good at faking my happiness in high school when I was really screaming on the inside, wondering why people wouldn't accept me and include me, mostly because I was fat and unpopular. I look back now and wish that I was as thin as I was in high school, but I didn't fit the mold then and I don't fit the "mold" now. I wanted desperately to be athletic, to be accepted, but finding that there were a lot of bitches and jerk offs that went to my high school and they loved people who were exactly like them and treated those people well and treated me like I was invisible. I have forgiven all of those people and all of those hurt feelings and moved on and I have become a different person. I have become someone who loves myself and doesn't give two shits anymore about what "those" people think. Nonetheless I allowed myself to be taken back to the ugly place this weekend. I was in a room with four people, one being me and the other three being people who loved each other dearly as family, had a deep rooted history with each other and who don't get to see each other often. They were in their world and I was a bystander. One of them said something to me that made me feel like I was unwanted, that I was needing to be put in my place, which wasn't with them. The actions were not malicious and I was mostly frustrated with the fact that I allowed myself to feel that way and to be put into that position. I was in a place where I knew I was loved and protected, yet I was hurt. How could this be? It was no ones fault really, the person who was speaking didn't know they had hurt me and they definitely didn't do it on purpose and yet I instantly went inside myself. I haven't been inside myself like that in a while. I felt like I needed to hide until I could be alone with myself and slowly emerge back into my normal self. I know that I didn't like what I saw when I went that far back. I don't like that Alison, she is meek and doesn't know the potential she has. I love the Alison I am now, bold and doesn't fear situations that are uncomfortable. I was caught off guard this weekend, not by someones remarks, but by myself. In looking back, I realize that there may be parts of my former self that I have not yet conquered or recovered from and that during this journey I may need to process and have the potential to bite me in the big fat ass. I was able to process this interaction with a dear friend and feel like I am moving in a direction that will help me prevent this in the future. But it's a process. Hurtful memories that shape us and unfortunately mold us can be forgiven, but are never forgotten. A great conversation with a great woman brought me to the realization this weekend.
This last Wednesday was a great day for my weight loss journey and my week didn't necessarily go up from there, I feel some definite regression in terms of food choices the last 4 days. Thursday was a 5:30am day and I didn't get home until 8:30pm. A lot of time to make bad choices as I hadn't packed a lick of food to take with me and I was going to be eating all of my meals out for the day. There was a big event for Boys & Girls Club and I was escorting our amazing Youth of the Year around for the day. I got myself my favorite breakfast (eggs benedict), a latte, a turkey croissant sandwich, multiple mini desserts and then carne asada at my favorite Thursday night dinner spot with my favorite people. Not a horrible day, but definitely not a great day. There was also no time for a workout or a walk, unless you count walking around most of the day in 5 inch heels a workout. I did sweat a bit, but I was feeling great about how I looked in my little bronze silk belted number. Not as great as I'll look about 6 months from now, but definitely better than I looked a month ago. Friday was another early day...I did get to sleep later than 6am, but I had TONS of errands to run. I did Costco, Starbucks, lunch with kids, home for 3 hours to show our open units to about 6 different people and then back to the Club for another 5 hours to finish up the work day and close up after basketball was over. It was looooong day. I had a latte, bagel thin with peanut butter, subway sandwich for lunch, wheat thins for snack and then I caved and stopped at Dick's on the way home from work at 9pm for 2 cheeseburgers and a fry. DAMN!!!!!!! Why are there burgers so good and sooooooo tempting after 9pm. I truly believe that the reason I don't like to be out after dinner time is because I'm temped by there being a Dick's around every corner in my life and how much I love that greasy goodness. A serious low point in this journey for me so far and I had instant remorse once I had ingested it all in a matter of minutes. I was seriously so hungry though and instead of getting home to do a quick meal at home that would have been 20 times healthier for me, I went for the quick fix.
This weekend was a tad bit better for me. The weekend itself was amazing and was definitely something I needed, but again, got me no where with my cardio. I spent a lot of time sitting and a tad bit of time eating. I definitely didn't snack at all this weekend, which was good, besides some red vines and a diet coke at the Duck game. But I felt pretty tame in my meal choices, didn't overstuff myself. Let's take a moment and celebrate that.....IT'S BEEN A MONTH AND A HALF SINCE I FED MYSELF SOOOO MUCH THAT I WANTED TO PUKE. I have been so very successful in breaking that habit thus far because I know how crappy it makes me feel.
So, I feel like this week will be a good week to get back on my food planning and I actually found another "cleanse" type program that I want to try this week. Thankfully it involves food, but it's very clean and actually is called the "2 day cleanse to looking better naked" or something like that. Let's be honest, who doesn't want to look better naked? Now I don't think that a 2 day cleanse is the answer to my fat naked body, more like a 200 day cleanse to naked body I can stand to look at sounds more up my alley. I will say that I love looking in the mirror when I'm naked in my own bathroom. It may be that the mirror in my bathroom only shows me from the clavicle up, and I would have to stand on the bathtub to get a full view, not something I choose to do, that's for sure. But my shoulders and head I enjoy in this naked state. So, this cleanse is supposed to be for 2 days, but my plan is to do it for 4-5 days this week. I of course will let you know how it goes.
For now....I need to stop eating and focus on some better food...
You are amazing and an inspiration!
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