Day 101: Oh brother, where art thou

I've never seen that movie, but I do like me some George Clooney and I constantly ask where my brother is, why isn't he here?  I have been struggling...I wish that weren't the case.  I wish I had lots of funny anecdotes for you and stories about me peeing on towels in my bedroom.  Ok, that did happen, but I will have to give the story at another time, something for you to look forward to I'm sure.

I've been struggling, I've been sabotaging and I've been avoiding you.  I've been avoiding being honest with myself, with my failures and my setbacks.  I've been avoiding admitting to myself that I allow grief and stress to take me over, to take over my new healthy habits and my new routine.  Sadly, my old routine has taken over, not to the most extreme extent, but bad enough.  I feel stagnant, I feel stuck.  I wish I could say I don't want to eat crap, but right now, I do.  I need to WANT to stop sabotaging, to stop struggling.

I lost my brother 9 years ago this last Tuesday, I live in the grief and anguish of that reality every day of my life.  At times my grief overwhelms me, it causes me to fall down and not want to get back up.  I'm there right now.  I've fallen, I don't want to get back up.  Why?  Why should I?  More than anything I want to be pain free, I want to live a life free of all pain and sadness.  But I know that life doesn't exist here on earth, so what do I do?  I get up.  I have to, even if I don't want to.

Death is senseless at times, my brother's death was senseless, my friend's baby's death was senseless, my friends fathers death was senseless...there are so many examples of senseless death in this life.  God doesn't cause death, he doesn't want babies to die, he doesn't want sons, daughter, brothers, sisters, mothers or fathers to die.  He wants life, He gave us life.  I heard an amazing message this Easter Sunday.  The message was that the resurrection doesn't change the circumstances in our lives, it changes how we view the circumstances in our lives.  Bad things will continue to happen to good people, death will continue to happen, however senseless and unfair it may seem.  But that is not the end.  The worst thing that happened is never the last thing....  There is always something beyond the evil and the unjust.  You may never know how far off that thing is, but it's there.  You may continue to wail, to grieve, to curse, to fight, to ask why? for what seems like eternity...and you will never be alone in that.  I know that I am not alone in those times.  No amount of good things that happen will every completely wash away those wails, that grief, those questions.  My father describes it as a hole that is shaped like my brother, that now forever lives in our hearts.  Nothing can fill it, because nothing is my brother.  We seek to appease the hole with memories, by making choices and doing things in life that are characteristic of my brother, that are him.  The hole never fills...it just hurts less as our heart uses those around us to heal the edges of that hole, until we are "comfortable" living with it.

I'm struggling.  I've gained weight.  I want to get back up.  I want to.  I will.

I was hoping again to be a much different place at this point, but I'm not.  I have the ability to do all things under the sun, I have the ability to do this.  I will.  Have faith in me.  I need faith in myself.

Pain is hard, grief is hard...it causes us to wallow, to get lost.  Thank you to all of you who have loved me harder this week in the midst of my pain, you help heal the sides of my Bret Kyle sized hole.  Thank you for loving me, for loving him if you do.

The love of friends, the love of family, the love of my beloved Keystoners, my five new summer dresses and my two new pair of neon Nike's...it's gonna get me out of bed tomorrow.  It's going to help me start walking again, to start swimming again and to start eating well again.

I need to live the life Bret Kyle didn't get to.  I need to be Brave.  I will, I promise you, I will.

Day 90: Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Is that how you feel?  Have you missed me the past 13 days?  We passed the entire 80s in terms of days and went straight to 90.  Wow.  3 months have passed since the journey began and I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be, but thankfully, that was to be expected and I will take that for what it is and continue moving forward.  I know you all expected more from me and I expected more from myself at this point, but so much life has happened and that is the reality of this journey.  It's fricking hard!

Proud to report that the man and I did pretty good while we were gone.  We didn't OVER-indulge, but we did indulge a bit.  We did quite a bit of walking, but no "official" work outs were had as there wasn't time for them.  I slept a total of about 24 hours over the course of the 6 day trip and it was emotional and amazing at the same time.  I was so proud of my teens and all they put into the trip.  They were engaged and set an amazing precedent for their peers and their leadership was something I was very proud of.  I was definitely intaking a lot of caffeine in those 6 days as I predicted and I haven't come back down off of that intake level...yet.  My goal this week is to step back up my water intake and get back on track with working out.

I arrived back in town around midnight on Monday and spent the rest of the week trying to catch up from being gone.  It was a long week and I didn't get any extra sleep or extra time off, I went right back to work to get stuff done.  Took a few things off my list which felt good, but eating this week took a dive.  I didn't weigh in, I didn't make it to weight watchers and I didn't do a single workout.  Ugh.  I need to make myself a priority again.  I need to focus on focus on what I'm doing and turn the focus back on my body and my health.  I haven't given up, though I've been absent from the blog, so don't give up on me!  I need a plan for the next few weeks before I have to leave again.  I have exactly 14 days before I leave on another trip with kids where I will be set up to eat horribly once again.  So, it will be up to ME and ME ALONE to get myself on track before I leave so that the clothes I want to wear will fit while on the trip and so that my fat ass will fit on all the rides I want to go on with my kids.  This too will prove to be a week where there will be small amounts of sleep and lots of caffeine will be needed to stay functional.  I will need to hydrate and workout like a crazy woman in these next 14 days so that I can give myself a head start on this difficult week.

The emotional ride of my life has not stopped since my last post.  I have encountered more deep pain, grief and joy in the last two weeks.  I had the experiences I spoke of in my last post before I left on our trip.  There was more to follow. The emotions expressed and the experiences that were had in those 6 days were tremendous and they made my deep love for my teens grow even deeper if that is possible.  I was given the top honor at this BGCA teen conference.  I was named the Boys & Girls Clubs of America National Keystone Advisor of the Year.  This is a huge deal and not something I ever expected would happen to me.  I feel so incredibly blessed and share this award with my teens.  It truly is because of them that I get out of bed every day and the reason I work as hard as I do.  This was like someone giving me an award that says I do the best job and loving my teens and doing so much for them.  I would do it anyway, but the award felt amazing and I have spent the week reeling in the excitement.  It was a huge deal not only for me, but for our Club and for our County.  I feel so blessed to able to share this with them.

So because I'm awesome, I ate.  You all know how much I love to eat to celebrate myself.  I celebrated by eating all of my favorite foods this week.  All the more reason for me to get back on track.  I got back from this trip, spent the week working, catered a bridal shower yesterday and didn't really get any good rest or time to contemplate life until today.  We are headed into one of the busiest weeks we have a work, REGISTRATION for summer and school year.  Ahhhhh!  Crazy parents are on the rise and A LOT of organization and input into the computer.

All this aside, I need to focus on fruits, veggies, proteins, water and workouts.  I will be doing just that and looking for some support and inspiration.  So if you are on my workout list, we are ON this week.  My goal is do mainly cardio walking though. I don't know that I have funding or the time to get to the pool, so I will be walking as much as possible and throwing in some small weights and abs at home.

I hope to have some numbers to report next week....until then, revel in the glory of my shiny plaque.  I am normally fairly humble and have been caught off guard by the overwhelming excitement and accolades I have received from this award.  But damn it, I'm proud and if I was going to pat myself on the back, this would be the place.

Wishing my plaque came with magical weight loss pills....but it didn't.  Back to the journey...back to the grind.

Day 68: A fat girls plight

I've gotten over my tantrum from Wednesday's 3 pound weight gain.  I think there are a lot of factors that contributed to that weight gain and I'm hoping to see all of those reasons flushed out before next Wednesday.  I'm not giving up my new water regimen and I can't help when my monthly friend comes to visit.  So I'm assuming that my body was holding on to lots of liquid.  I already feel better and like my body has let go of some of this water weight.  I've been sticking to the workout routine.  Swam and walked my ass off this week with lots of awesome accountability worker outers. This is a shout out and a thank you to all of you who are helping me with this and supporting me on a daily basis.

Plight....what is a plight?...."A dangerous, difficult or otherwise unfortunate situation".  Some definite unfortunate situations have happened in some of my friends lives lately and I look at my own life and have definitely had my fair share of 'plights'.  The one I am referring to in this post though is the fat girls plight, which inevitably is what keeps fat girls fat and is the definition of low self esteem and self worth.  Putting ourselves in situations where we think we are being accepted and supported. But what turns out to be is that this man or this "good friend" who wants something from us. That in itself is the definition of the fat girls plight, choosing to be used and abused because you seek acceptance and love.

You may still be wondering...what is the fat girls plight?  Well, if you are fat or have every been fat you will understand this.  Not to say that people who are skinny won't understand, but I feel this as a fat girl.  I know that this applies to anyone who don't fit the "norm", but again, I feel it as a fat girl.  The world has taught me and the world has shown me, that who I am is "not ok".  That no one will ever love me romantically if I'm overweight, that nobody ways to marry a fat girl.  So much of my life has been spent trying to lose weight, trying to make myself 'acceptable' to society.  I spent a lot of middle school and high school being treated like a fat girl, though I would give anything to be that weight again.  But my peers didn't see me that way, I was fat compared to them.  Having a "crush" was crazy, so crazy that even if I had one (and I definitely did), I couldn't tell anyone about it.  Why?  Because they would look at me crazy and let me know non verbally that I didn't stand a chance, why?, because I was fat and unpopular.  I needed to accept my place at the bottom of the barrel.  I finally got to a place in life, where I realized how much I was worth, regardless of how big or small I was.  I am so thankful that I know my worth, that I know who I am inside and out and that this time my journey is seeking to live a longer life.  

I have self worth, I love myself and I know who I am...for the most part.  I have had some other great conversations with another great woman in my life, where we have pondered over the way we are raised as women.  That even though we love ourselves and we know our worth, we still are raised to assume the worst out of men.  That they are only out to hurt us and that we should question every move they make.  As a fat girl, I feel this even more so.  There were numerous times in my life where I was led to believe I had a friend or that someone might actually like me, but it was all a sham and it was rubbed in my face.  Basically telling me that I was fool to believe that I was worth someone else's time or that they had any interest in me as a person.  All they really wanted was to use me for one reason or another.  And the more you are used and abused, the more you believe all that shit you are told.  Fat girls are notoriously those girls with low self esteem, those who are constantly seeking acceptance.  So they allow others to use and abuse them because they want to be accepted, even just for a minute.  They usually don't realize until too late that it's a sham and thus perpetuates who they are.  It's a vicious cycle that for a lot of the girls, leads to eating and more eating and staying fat.  That was me....middle school....high school....and even college.  I am willing to bet there are a million women who have lived the fat girls plight and many who are still living it today.  

I have a man who loves me, a man who chose me at my heaviest.  Yet there are still days where my fat girl gets the best of me and she looks at him and asks on the inside 'why is he with me?', 'is he going to cheat on me when he finds someone skinnier?' and a million other horrible questions.  Why are we raised to believe we aren't good enough?  Why are we raised to believe that every man will cheat on us?  Why?  Because we have seen so many good men who are married to or committed to amazing women...who have cheated.  That's when your fat girl plight takes over, and says, "well if she can't keep her man, how do I even have a chance."  

I know all of this may seem crazy, but it's what I've been thinking about lately.  I do have a man, a man who loves me.  A man who encourages me when I'm working on being healthy and a man who will eat with me when I want to eat.  He has never made me feel fat, he makes me feel beautiful.  I'm gonna go with that, I'm gonna believe in that.

I want all of you to find a place of self-worth, a place where you love yourself no matter what.  A place where you believe in what is good and right and a place where you seek to love others, not judge others.  Love the people in your life regardless of their weight, race, religion, sex or personal choices.  Love people for who they are.

Day 63: Roller coaster baby baby!

Life is a roller coaster.  There is no better way to explain it.  Huge ups, huge downs and lots of in between. At times I feel like I'm still a kid and other times I feel like a crippled old lady.  Life is amazing in that way in that I can feel and be both of those people in one day.  I can be bounding and bouncing and full of life and then feel it almost necessary to use a walker to get around like an hour later.

Things have gone fairly well this week.  I haven't gone completely out of control....though those damn girl scout cookies are not helping me at all.  I had been working out, got most of my schedule in tact and my accountability partners have been coming in slowly but surely and I pumped.  I walked the pooch on Saturday for a good hour plus and then Sunday my biggest fan and I hit Greenlake.  I was feeling ambitious and some serious guilt after indulging in the worlds best nachos and about 6 "pieces" of a cupcake on Saturday night.  Though I must say that I was REALLY good about not eating much and saving most of my points knowing I was going out to dinner on Saturday.  Nonetheless, there was guilt and my guild drove me to push myself to do two laps around Greenlake, which is almost 6 miles mind you.  My lovely lady obliged and we did two laps in a little under an hour and a half.  Felt really good, though hours later we both felt like we had been run over by a bus.  I spent the rest of the day laying in bed and heating my knees and back with my heating pads.  I also spent most of today limping and hobbling.  Who knew that walking two times around the lake was that much harder on your body than just one.  Not this girl, that's for sure.  I was thinking it would be no problem, but apparently it was crippling to my body.  I even tried to counteract how sore I was today by dressing up really cute and it backfired in my face.  I should have worn yoga pants, sweatshirt and slippers, the dress and the boots were too much for my posture to handle.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about motivation and what is motivating me, to workout and to eat.  I am seeking to have others help motivate me to keep going physically.  At this point, I'm good with that, it makes me feel a little bit like a kid because I know I can't be trusted to do it on my own.  But admitting that to myself and seeking assistance in the form of accountability it a big step for me.  I have also set my alarms in the morning to remind me why I and getting my ass out of bed that early.  My absolute last chance alarm to get up and work out now reads...."Do you want to be this fat forever?".  Harsh I know, but honestly I smile, laugh on the inside, sometimes the outside and then I get my fat ass out of bed.  Because, NO, I don't want to be fat forever and that pushes me out of bed.  We will have to see what other kind of phrases I can use to shock myself out of bed.  I'm thinking maybe...."You bought a $140 LuLu hoodie, it still doesn't fit....get up!"....or maybe "One-derland is just a short 70 pounds away...get up or you could be headed back to three hundred land."...or everyone's favorite "Does everything still jiggle when you walk?....then get up!"  I'm sure I could come up with a hundred more, but for now this is motivation enough :).

I had an epiphany today around food.  I think I will need to have a million epiphanies like this in order to get myself where I want to be.  I love Monday's (that's not the epiphany), because I get to see some of my favorite people in the world, my high schoolers.  I love the hours of 2:30-6 on Mondays.  That's the time I'm in my office and they come in and out in groups, hanging out, talking, laughing and being in relationship with each other.  Getting to be a part of that is the happiest time of my week.  We then have our official meeting at 6, get down to business and then I get to share a meal with whoever is around afterwards, usually the same crew.  I was going to 'skip' dinner with them tonight because I had started a new "cleanse".  I was chatting with my 'president on paper' and was explaining why I couldn't go to Pho with him and others tonight.  I was on my newest 'fad cleanse detox plan'.  This is like the 3rd one I've tried in the last 2 months, that's a problem.  I didn't think it was a problem, but it is.  I thought I was just seeking to be healthy to get myself that next "jump start" on weight loss.  But I know from experience and surprisingly I was reminded by this awesome teen in my life that this isn't what creates long lasting change. That's a state of mind.  I also realized that doing this cleanse for 3 days isn't going to do a whole lot for me except make me want to eat the things I "can't have".  I remembered why I loved WW when I started it....I could eat whatever I wanted, but I just need to be in control and in moderation.  I had been doing so well all day and all I wanted to do was go eat Pho with my favorite people.  I was going to deprive myself of that, even though I was well within my points, for the sake of the cleanse.  I'm crazy.  I can determine though that I was me looking for that next quick fix.  The world tells us all we need is this great new product, just buy these pills, just buy this workout dvd, just join this gym and the fat will just fall off of your body.  So........NOT TRUE!  Though I continue to believe these lies.  So again I am thankful for my teens and what they bring to my life.  Clarity.

So....I had a great day, started it off with lap swim, ate really well all day and ended my day with some amazing Pho with some amazing people in my life.  I am now setting my alarm to "Do you want to be this fat forever?" and I have my bag packed for lap swim with my girl Sara in the morning.  I'm gonna finish off all the great dark green veggies and lean protein I got for the cleanse and leave my dinner choices up to me.  I feel great about that balance.  What do you think?

Day 58: We're the worlds most fearsome fighting team - TurtlePower!!!

I love the ninja turtles.  I love the ninja turtle cartoons and I was IN LOVE when the real life movie series came out.  My brothers and I were addicted to those movies and I love seeing younger generations connect with those movies and see how amazingly awesome turtles with ninja skills are.  I'm in the process of gathering my own 'fearsome fighting team', though we aren't using our ninja skills to fight anyone, but they are going to be my fearsome fighting cardio accountability.  Something I've realized in these past few weeks as this months workout calendar has a lot more X days than last months calendar is that I will use any excuse to not get to my cardio.  But if I have someone who is holding me accountable, who is meeting me at my cardio destination, I WILL SHOW UP!  Why?  Maybe not always because I want to be there, but I don't want to let other people down and I don't want to disappoint.  So, my new cardio schedule is as follows, if you are interested in adding yourself into one of the blank spaces I will gladly accept you as part of the FFT (fearsome fighting team) as we so desperately fight for my health and my weight loss journey...

Monday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6-6:30AM with _____________
Tuesday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6:45-7:30AM with _____________
Wednesday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6-6:30AM with KATE!
Wednesday:  Walk anytime between 11am-2pm with ____________
Thursday:  Walk from 10-11AM with KATE!
Friday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6:45-7:30AM with _____________
Sunday:  Walk anytime between 11am-2pm with ______________

I'm really excited to see who is going to fill in my blanks!  I really feel like accountability is something I NEED, so if you become part of my FFT, you have to be ready to bring it and ride my ass if I slack off.

There's no doubt that it's been a rough couple of weeks for me and not just with food, but with my emotions, with my health and with my stress level.  I did a semi-cleanse to get myself back on track and have been dealing with a lot of emotional issues with people that have been dragging me away from taking care of me.  I know for sure that in the first two weeks after my last weigh in, I GAINED weight and I wasn't willing to step on the scale and admit it to myself.  I hid behind my stress and my emotions instead and I ate some of them.  I did the semi-cleanse and I got my ass back to Weight Watchers this week and I have been trying my hardest to get myself headed in the right direction with some poking and proding from others.  I made a priorities list in the three areas of my life that cause me the most stress, my jobs!  I made a list of things that needed to get done and things on those lists that I could ask for help from others on.  I need to refine the list a bit and then comes the hard part...asking for help.  Not one of my strong suits.  You see, I can do everything.  I AM WONDERWOMAN.  I have the costume to prove it.  My brain and my heart constantly are telling me that I can do everything and that I need to do as much as possible to get people to trust me and to like me and so that I can feel successful.  My body doesn't always agree.  I also know that those things aren't true.  I do love to be in control of things, because my way is the better way and I can always get things done faster myself rather than showing someone else how to do it.  But....then where does that leave me....FAT....TIRED....CRYING....EXHAUSTED.....SICK....STRESSED and about a million other things.  I have also realized as life progresses that I'm not helping others grow or be successful if I'm not teaching or showing them how to do more.  The worst part about me is thought that people CONSTANTLY OFFER TO HELP ME and I turn them down.  I'm a sick and twisted individual.

I have been suprised lately though at where my support in this journey is coming from.  My expectations were that my close friends, people I saw everyday or spoke to on a regular basis would be the people that follow my blog and seek to support me.  That has been true in some instancesa (and I love those people for that), or there has been some initial interest and then they have fallen off or have their own things going on.  A good amount of my feedback and written support though has been from people who are not in close proximity to me, people from my past or who live far off.  If you are one of those people, THANKS!  I really appreciate your words and the encourgement I get to keep going with this whole journey.  I hope that the further I get into this the more serious I will take myself and the more serious the people who directly surround me will be to me.  I realize that in the past I have claimed a lot of things, claimed to be making a change and then fallen off the wagon a month or two in.  So maybe I have something to prove to these people, but more importantly to myself.

I wish I had some funny stories for you, but there has been no pooping in the woods lately.  I have had more 'accidents' than I can count, lots of them involving girl scout cookies and cadbury eggs.  Easter candy is my #1 WEAKNESS in the candy world.  Lots of people think cadbury eggs are gross, you know the ones that have the gooey candy in the middle that looks like an egg yolk.  I FRICKIN LOVE THOSE THINGS!  I found a co-worker that also has and affinity for them and together we could eat our way through the cadbury egg factory.  I have no doubt.

I am happy to announce that after a shitty couple weeks and then some recovery time, I have MAINTAINED my weight.  Which I couldn't be happier about.  I most definitely gained weight, but in not weighing myself I didn't have to actually see the scale go up.  So...numbers are

Day 1

Day 58

Day 30

Day 52: Rock bottom seems only one bad trip away...

Now I haven't actually fallen down, my limbs are all still working and I'm still standing and in one place.  Well, I'm actually sitting right now, but you get the idea.  As previously stated, it's been a rough week or two in terms of food and how I feel about it.  Was home Sunday, left early Monday to get back for a catering job on Monday night.  Made a delightful meal of Salmon, Carmelized Onion and Spinach Pilaf, Grilled Veggies and French Bread.  The event was great and I treated myself to a Dick's cheeseburger and milkshake afterwards, bad choice, I know.  Today I catered a gourmet taco bar luncheon and made some amazing 4 hour beans, mexican rice, shredded beef, shredded chicken, ground turkey and brownies.  Found my new favorite pulled beef recipe, which I'm sure would translate well with pork as well.  I have leftovers that my peeps at work will be enjoying tomorrow!

Tuesday morning started a new round of the Masters Cleanse.  I welcomed it this time, considered the lemony goodness a refreshing friend.  I have had my issues this week with it.  I am on day 3 of the cleanse and have done pretty well sticking with it.  I have eaten a few things and have "tested" the food I made for a catering job I had today as well.  I do have to try it though, I'm not going to serve something to someone that I'm not positive tastes amazing.  My body is riding itself of all of the crap I have eaten in the last two weeks.  I wish there was a better way for me to get back on track.  Or better yet, a better way to stay on track in the first place, but that is still a mystery to me.  It's crazy how I love being in control of other things in my life, but I allow food and eating to be the out of control part of my life.

Control hasn't been something I've had lately though.  I've been exhausted and overloaded.  A series of events with people at work have added a boat load of extra stress on my plate the last few months and it's finally taking it's toll on me.  My business is ramping up, which is great and I've been loving all of the referrals and work I've been getting, but the work has to be done after my other jobs, which means late nights for this girl.  We also have two units open right now and it's a lot of work to show them and get them ready to rent and I have that on top of the other two jobs has brought me crashing down.  I lost control of my emotions last night at about 12 am as I shredded chicken by hand for my luncheon today.  I sobbed and the man rubbed my back and told me it was ok.  I want a better life, I want things later in life and I know that in order to get there I need to work as hard as possible now.  But at times I can't handle it, let's be honest, I can't handle most of what I take on, but I just pretend that I can.  I then become stressed out beyond belief and I end up crying over shredded chicken.

I weighed in on Wednesday morning, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but I'd rather wait until the end of this cleanse before I post my official weight.  Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm still struggling.  I need to get fully under control before I can post that I'm headed in any direction.

I have reached out to some great sources for help and am on the road to being back.  I need rest, I need some direction and I need to keep moving.  The one thing I have kept up with is working out.  Swimming laps like a champ, poor little Pete hasn't been on a walk in the last few days, but he will soon.

There are so many things I want to do in this life and it has become clear that I don't have the ability to do all of those things they way that I am trying to do them, ALL AT ONCE.  I need assistance.  I know exactly who I need to assist me and I'm waiting on that person, also a family member :).  I have a good feeling about it and am beyond elated that we have the ability to take this journey together.  I have also been so inspired lately by the hard work that people around me are putting into their lives.  It has been so inspiring to see people quitting bad habits and working on healing from past hurts.  I am inspired to keep going and all the love and support of those around me only makes that easier.

I love the people in my life and I love how they love me.  I feel like I'm headed toward a life transition, not sure what or where, but something is going to be different.  Hopefully it's my fat, hoping it's had enough of me and wants to be melted away.  I wish someone could throw water on me and my fat would instantly melt off, like the wicked witch.  But I don't want my face to melt off too, so I'll be content being the fat witch right now, slowly working my way towards a combination of the good witch and the healthy witch.  Yellow brick road, here I come!

Day 44: At WW, we say "only track on the days you want to lose weight"

This early morning blog post is brought to you by the letters S-H-A-M-E.

Yup, that's right, shame.  I feel ashamed for how this last week has gone.  After my glorious weigh in last week I became completely delusional.  I told myself I had it under control, but boy was I wrong.  I haven't "tracked" once in the last week, well not honestly anyway.  If my tracking isn't honest, then what's the point really, it's not going to do me any good.  I am also sorry to say that I made really good excuses for my poor food choice and got to the point where I was just like F*** it, I'm gonna eat this.  Thus sabatoging myself.

This is another form of Alison that I hate.  She's really good and self-sabatoge and when she isn't in good communication with her support system, she allows herself to fail.  So, as a result of my S-H-A-M-E, I am NOT going to Weight Watchers today.  I will NOT be weighing in.  I know that I haven't lost weight this week, the only thing saving me from not gaining too much weight is that I have had a serious bout with the runny poo, otherwise known as diarrhea.  My poor food choices this week have brought back my serious stomach pains and issues.  I get this a few times a year and it's usually due to stress.  I am definitely stressed with the work load on my plate right now, something I have also been delusional about in the last week, pretending like I have control over it.  I don't.  I think in sync with my stress is the poor food choices from the last week and thus the diarrhea.

I am even more sad to say that I haven't worked out since last Wednesday either.  It's like I gave myself permission to have the week off.  This morning (the reason for my early post), I made myself get out of bed and go swim laps and later today in place of my Weight Watchers meeting I will be walking Greenlake with the magnificent Kate.  Something I think I need far more than my WW meeting.

So, I would first like to apologize for the shit show that was my food life this week and promise to get back on track in the next week so I have something to show for it next week.

This week despite some poor choices has been full of love.  The man showed some good love this week, especially in terms of V-Day and the return of one of my favorite teens (now a young man) from Marine boot camp had definitely put a spring in my step.  It's been great to connect with the people who surround me daily.

The love has been present the last two days with these great people, I have felt some serious grief and longing for my family.  I have been struggling greatly with my grief and it's not been easy.  For those of you who don't know (though I'm not sure how many people are actually reading this that don't know my life), I lost my youngest brother in 2003, almost 10 years ago.  He was 16 when he died and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wake up thinking about him and wishing things were different.  It's hard, really f***ing hard.  I'll leave you with the message I left him yesterday as I struggle to get back on track this week.

'BKS, I love you so much! Losing you has taught me how to love more deeply, how to love unconditionally and how to never let a day pass without telling someone that I love them. I cannot wait until we get to hug again, all I want is to hug you and run my fingers through your crazy head of hair. The way you loved others, constantly pushes me to love outside my comfort zone and to love people regardless of the things they have done. My tears are welling up now just thinking of how losing you has made me a better person. I LOVE you so much!'

 

No more eating, just start moving...

Day 41: No longer a virgin

Of college mens basketball....live and in person.

Ha!  I ventured on a trip this weekend my friends, which was a much needed break for my life and thus caused a 4 day break in blogging.  I did attend my very first college basketball game and it was glorious!  My amazing friend Noelle is from Oregon, she is a die hard Duck fan and I love that about her.  I am a die hard lover of the state of Oregon.  My allegiances lie in the coast of Oregon, specifically the area between Tillamook and Depoe Bay.  If I could get rich quick, I would move to Lincoln City, OR and live there for the rest of my days, no doubt about that.  You can ask anyone else in my family and they'd tell you the exact same thing.  Though we'd visit our cabin in Wallowa Lake a few times a year.  So, my beautiful friend Noelle has been exposing me to the other great cities that are within the state of Oregon.  First Medford and now Eugene.  She has a great family friend that works for the U of O and not only did we get to attend the Ducks vs. WSU game on Saturday afternoon, but I got to watch the Ducks beat the Cougs front and center behind the Duck bench.  It was A-MAZE-ING!!  That arena is unbelievable!!  I felt very lucky to be blessed to get that 'first time' experience.  I completed my experience with a souvenir cup and a U of O sweatshirt for my ridiculously large sweatshirt collection.

This weekend brought back for me some ugly versions of myself that I would like to forget, none of them having to do with my food choices, but everything to do with why I got the way I was in the first place.  I had an interaction with someone who is a complete stranger to me this weekend, and I allowed that person to make me feel like I was nobody.  I spent the majority of my high school career feeling like I was nobody.  I was the fat girl that no one wanted to invest their time in.  I was quiet, timid and afraid of who I had the ability to be.  So, I kept my mouth shut (of course unless their was food going in it).  I allowed others to dictate to my life, to walk all over me and to basically use me and abuse me.  It was horrible.  I had a saving grace in the handful of friends I had that went to my church and also to my school, that loved me for me, but even then, one of those people often found it easy to toss me to the wayside.  I know that some of you who read this blog went to my high school and some of you were those church friends.  Know that I was really good at faking my happiness in high school when I was really screaming on the inside, wondering why people wouldn't accept me and include me, mostly because I was fat and unpopular.  I look back now and wish that I was as thin as I was in high school, but I didn't fit the mold then and I don't fit the "mold" now.  I wanted desperately to be athletic, to be accepted, but finding that there were a lot of bitches and jerk offs that went to my high school and they loved people who were exactly like them and treated those people well and treated me like I was invisible.  I have forgiven all of those people and all of those hurt feelings and moved on and I have become a different person.  I have become someone who loves myself and doesn't give two shits anymore about what "those" people think.  Nonetheless I allowed myself to be taken back to the ugly place this weekend.  I was in a room with four people, one being me and the other three being people who loved each other dearly as family, had a deep rooted history with each other and who don't get to see each other often.  They were in their world and I was a bystander.  One of them said something to me that made me feel like I was unwanted, that I was needing to be put in my place, which wasn't with them.  The actions were not malicious and I was mostly frustrated with the fact that I allowed myself to feel that way and to be put into that position.  I was in a place where I knew I was loved and protected, yet I was hurt.  How could this be?  It was no ones fault really, the person who was speaking didn't know they had hurt me and they definitely didn't do it on purpose and yet I instantly went inside myself.  I haven't been inside myself like that in a while.  I felt like I needed to hide until I could be alone with myself and slowly emerge back into my normal self.  I know that I didn't like what I saw when I went that far back.  I don't like that Alison, she is meek and doesn't know the potential she has.  I love the Alison I am now, bold and doesn't fear situations that are uncomfortable.  I was caught off guard this weekend, not by someones remarks, but by myself.  In looking back, I realize that there may be parts of my former self that I have not yet conquered or recovered from and that during this journey I may need to process and have the potential to bite me in the big fat ass.  I was able to process this interaction with a dear friend and feel like I am moving in a direction that will help me prevent this in the future.  But it's a process.  Hurtful memories that shape us and unfortunately mold us can be forgiven, but are never forgotten.  A great conversation with a great woman brought me to the realization this weekend.

This last Wednesday was a great day for my weight loss journey and my week didn't necessarily go up from there, I feel some definite regression in terms of food choices the last 4 days.  Thursday was a 5:30am day and I didn't get home until 8:30pm.  A lot of time to make bad choices as I hadn't packed a lick of food to take with me and I was going to be eating all of my meals out for the day.  There was a big event for Boys & Girls Club and I was escorting our amazing Youth of the Year around for the day.  I got myself my favorite breakfast (eggs benedict), a latte, a turkey croissant sandwich, multiple mini desserts and then carne asada at my favorite Thursday night dinner spot with my favorite people.  Not a horrible day, but definitely not a great day.  There was also no time for a workout or a walk, unless you count walking around most of the day in 5 inch heels a workout.  I did sweat a bit, but I was feeling great about how I looked in my little bronze silk belted number.  Not as great as I'll look about 6 months from now, but definitely better than I looked a month ago.  Friday was another early day...I did get to sleep later than 6am, but I had TONS of errands to run.  I did Costco, Starbucks, lunch with kids, home for 3 hours to show our open units to about 6 different people and then back to the Club for another 5 hours to finish up the work day and close up after basketball was over.  It was looooong day.  I had a latte, bagel thin with peanut butter, subway sandwich for lunch, wheat thins for snack and then I caved and stopped at Dick's on the way home from work at 9pm for 2 cheeseburgers and a fry.  DAMN!!!!!!! Why are there burgers so good and sooooooo tempting after 9pm.  I truly believe that the reason I don't like to be out after dinner time is because I'm temped by there being a Dick's around every corner in my life and how much I love that greasy goodness.  A serious low point in this journey for me so far and I had instant remorse once I had ingested it all in a matter of minutes.  I was seriously so hungry though and instead of getting home to do a quick meal at home that would have been 20 times healthier for me, I went for the quick fix.

This weekend was a tad bit better for me.  The weekend itself was amazing and was definitely something I needed, but again, got me no where with my cardio.  I spent a lot of time sitting and a tad bit of time eating.  I definitely didn't snack at all this weekend, which was good, besides some red vines and a diet coke at the Duck game.  But I felt pretty tame in my meal choices, didn't overstuff myself.  Let's take a moment and celebrate that.....IT'S BEEN A MONTH AND A HALF SINCE I FED MYSELF SOOOO MUCH THAT I WANTED TO PUKE.  I have been so very successful in breaking that habit thus far because I know how crappy it makes me feel.

So, I feel like this week will be a good week to get back on my food planning and I actually found another "cleanse" type program that I want to try this week.  Thankfully it involves food, but it's very clean and actually is called the "2 day cleanse to looking better naked" or something like that.  Let's be honest, who doesn't want to look better naked?  Now I don't think that a 2 day cleanse is the answer to my fat naked body, more like a 200 day cleanse to naked body I can stand to look at sounds more up my alley.  I will say that I love looking in the mirror when I'm naked in my own bathroom.  It may be that the mirror in my bathroom only shows me from the clavicle up, and I would have to stand on the bathtub to get a full view, not something I choose to do, that's for sure.  But my shoulders and head I enjoy in this naked state.  So, this cleanse is supposed to be for 2 days, but my plan is to do it for 4-5 days this week.  I of course will let you know how it goes.

For now....I need to stop eating and focus on some better food...

Day 37: Boo-YA Grandma!

It's weigh in day people and the finale of my stickin to the food plan.  I can say with all honesty that the food plan the last 24 hours has gone out the window, well maybe like halfway out.  I stuck to the plan yesterday.  I was supposed to have soup for lunch and then be able to make good choices at staff dinner time.  Instead, I had pork tacos at our favorite bbq place that turned out to be low points for lunch and then I had my soup for dinner.  I ended up ordering lots of delicious pizza for the staff meeting and it took all of my power to not gorge myself on my favorite pizza.  I did allow myself a small slice of my favorite vegetarian pizza.  I cut one of the slices in half and I savored that piece for the rest of the night.  Abstaining from highly fattening food on a regular basis makes you love it that much more when you get to have it.  When I got home from work (which was particularly stressful in how the day ended), I had an eating accident.  I was feeling emotional and instead of climbing in bed or blogging about it, I ate an entire cereal bowl full of doritos.  I don't even particularly like doritos, but damn, they tasted good last night.

Feeling remorse for my accident last night, I got myself up and combated that food accident with cardio!  I got myself to the pool and swam laps and tonight I hit up Greenlake for a brisk walk with my little man and my friend Kate and her pup.  I got my swim on Monday as well and Tuesday morning I took the morning off (yay for self care!!!) and enjoyed the last bit of sunshine for the week with a 2 hour walk through the neighborhoods with Pete.  It was most joyful and tons of vitamin D and positivity was soaked up during those hours.

Today was a different story. I did get up and combat the accident with cardio and then I stuck to the plan for breakfast.  I had a piece of toast and a single egg and my coffee.  I headed straight off to my meeting to get weighed in and then I had to run a few errands and get some important people to the airport.  So, the weigh in, WAS GREAT!!  I will divulge the results in a few, but this moment was such an elation for me that I then decided, very deliberately I might add, to throw the food plan out the window.  Not really the best choice, but it happened.  I consumed trail mix at Target, I then consumed a croissant that my airport patrons purchased me and then I ate my favorite sandwich (the Rajun Cajun) from my favorite sandwich shop.  I then consumed potato chips and two pieces of chocolate before I left work.  Ehhhhh, I was definitely feeling pretty good about myself, which is why I went right ahead and treated myself in every way possible.  We shall see if this comes back to bite me in the big fat ass.  I did an extra cardio session tonight though as I aforementioned and thus in my mind cancelled out part of my days worth of accidents.

The food plan worked though, for the most part in my mind, it worked.  I may continue to "plan" my weeks meals, leaving room for free choice, which I feel is necessary so as to not feel locked down.  When I feel locked down, I just want to break free.  I don't want to be confined to a certain mold and I will do whatever necessary to make sure I don't feel that suffocation of my lack of choice.  But I want more than anything to be free of this weight so that I can do everything I was meant to do in life.  So at this moment, I need to let that win.  I didn't necessarily lose as much weight as I was hoping this week, but I have to keep reminding myself that on the WW plan, you can expect to lose .5-2 pounds a week.  But I've been stepping up the cardio, so I guess that makes my expectations higher.  My cardio isn't super high impact, but it's steady and it ramps up my heart rate.  I'm looking for longevity.  I'm looking for endurance.  Both of these things are what I desire for this journey, so it's a great parallel for my physical activity.  Slow and steady wins the race, right?  I also fear loads of saggy skin, which is a topic for another post, but I fear that if I lose weight too fast, my skin and my body can't keep up (which is what I see when I watch the Biggest Loser, saggy boobs and tummy skin, yuck!).  So I will stick with the tortoise and let the hare wear himself out.  I see the tortoise as a woman and the hare as a man...another topic, maybe.

Here's some topics I have been pondering that you can look forward to in upcoming posts this year....

*Hair and Obesity, or as I like to call it....hair hair everywhere
*Self Control
*Does muscle really weigh more than fat?
*Big boned...a fat persons excuse to stay fat
*Abstaining from bad food doesn't really make you want it less, people lie to themselves to make themselves appear healthier by feeding you all lines of crap like that.

On to the important things....the weigh in....

Current Weight:  276.9
Weight Lost this Week:  1.8
Total Weight Lost:  16.2
Pounds to go:  102.6

BOOOOOO-YAYAYAYAYA  Grandmama!  Soooooo close to being under 100 pounds to lose.  I want that.  I feel success this week!  Exciting things are happening and I'm still eating food because I love it.  That will never stop.

Day 29: Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

Who me?  YES YOU!

It was me, I confess.  The cookies... all the cookies and all the candies that are missing from life right now have probably been eaten by me.  I love Weight Watchers, but when they allow you to eat what you want within your points, sometimes I do just that, I eat what I want.  I eat raw fruits and veggies and then consume the rest of my points in sweets, my most arched nemeses.  I also know that I am an emotional eater, but not necessarily always on the negative emotion side.  I love to 'treat' myself.  When I have worked out once, maybe even twice a day, I feel like I need to have sugar, I NEED to eat treats.  How to get over that?  I'm not sure I'm afraid.  That is something I seek to know, seek to change.  Suggestions?  Anybody dealt with that?  Magic Cure?  I need to figure out how to control that.

I think I need a plan...

I struggle to plan ahead.  I'm pretty good about planning ahead for lunch, I have a shelf in the fridge at work for my food and I know the point value of everything on that shelf.  It's all the other delicious treats and foods that arise in my day that I have a hard time saying 'no' to.  I have my breakfasts planned out as well depending on if I do a morning workout or not and what my time constraints are.  Dinner and "evening time" always get me to.  I love to experiment and cook things for my hunk-a-burnin-love at night and I'm not necessarily even hungry when I eat them, but I made them, so I'm not gonna say no.  EPIPHANY!!  I DON'T SAY NO.  Not really to anything.  I say yes to anyone who needs me, I say yes to any task thrown my way and I say yes to food.  I seek to please, I'm a pleaser.  I don't want to be one to ask for help, I want to be the one in control that other's come to.  I know this, I guess I didn't realize it transcends directly to my food habits as well.  I am constantly busy, I rarely have a night or a moment during the day where I don't have something to do or have something planned or say yes to extra work or commitments.  Because I am constantly on the go, I say YES to food choices I know I should say NO to.  But because I didn't plan ahead for that part of life, I allow myself to cheat, to make bad choices and to ultimately quit.  I say things like "I just go too busy".  Taking care of myself physically just goes to the back burner so I can please others and step up and be the BEST at everything.

This is what needs to be different....I need to plan and to say NO.  I need to know my limitations, to set goals, to set boundaries and seek to complete those to the best of my abilities.  So much easier said than done.  I want the best for my life and for myself, so I work myself to be the bone, so I can have more so I can be more in this life.  But I won't be able to enjoy it if I don't say NO to myself.  I need to say NO, when I want to get 'too busy'.  Let's be honest, when am I not busy, never.  I feel like I constantly wait for life to slow down, for the busy "season" of the year to pass me by and then I realize it never comes.

So tomorrow is weigh in day.  I am nervous, as I will always be on weigh in day.  But the cookie monster in me and my self-treating is what I'm worried about on the scale.  I have swam laps the last two mornings and walked on top of that.  I'm gonna hit the pool again tomorrow before I weigh in, hoping my body doesn't absorb too much water before weigh in.

Goal for this week is to plan.  Plan out my meals and snacks for the next week.  To eat ONLY the things I plan, to say NO to all the extras.  Tomorrow's weigh in post will include my weeks worth of meals for all of you.  I want to be accountable to what I plan, so I will then post at the end of the week what I actually ate.  This could prove to be difficult as the SuperBowl is Sunday and I am making food for my man's friends that are coming to watch at our place.  I aim to impress with my food, so I will need some limitations on myself for that day.

Working on control this week, self-control...

Day 27: The candy man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.

Man I love candy.  I'm watching Willy Wonka on tv as my blogging background of choice.  It's a temptation that I can't eat, thankfully.

After my enlightenment about the scale, Thursday took a quick downturn for this woman.  The day started off with an unexpected phone call that sent me rushing to work for some forgotten items.  ugh!  I hate when that happens.  I planned on sleeping in and doing things from home, but instead I had to shoot out of bed and get myself rushing.  I did decided that me having to rush to work on my day off meant I could stop for a latte, but when I got there, the line was soooo long, there was no way I was waiting in that mess, so I opted to just suck it up and down some satisfying ice water instead.  I got quite a bit done at work, and then had a surprise visit from my brother and we go a chance to meet up and go to lunch!  We headed to an amazing Puerto Rican restaurant and I indulged in some sweet potato fries and a delicious pulled pork sandwich covered in veggies.  The sandwich was so good, I didn't need to eat very many of the fries and the best thing about the pork was it wasn't slathered in bbq sauce, but it was slow cooked in some amazing spices in a broth.  I was a great choice and it was so delicious.  I was feeling good about lunch choices thus far.  I headed back to work to get a few more things done before I go to head out with one of my amazing teens.  We were headed to a training to some much needed shopping for her special event.  I did however fall into the desk candy trap this week.  I did a round of encouragement for my staff on Wednesday night, which kept me at work until 9:30.  Who can write encouragement notes with adorning the envelopes with sweet treats.  Sweet treats of choice this week were Dove Hearts.  Ahhh!  I'm a sucker for Dove hearts and anything chocolate really.  So, I've been 'treating' myself multiple times a day.  I seriously have no control over chocolate, which is why I can't have it around.  I need to do some more encouraging soon and send out the rest of my temptation.

There was a great veggie and fruit spread at the training I went to with my special young lady.  Perfect!  I can have all the fruits and veggies I want.  Training got over quickly and we headed out to our shopping extravaganza.  This trip was a huge success and we all got what we wanted!  Shopping for this special event also includes dinner out.  May I remind you that I already went out for lunch, so this was meal #2 out on the town.  We decided to try the new Hard Rock Cafe downtown Seattle.  So instead of going for a salad or a lighter dinner, be both went gung ho for the huge burger and fries with an onion ring and bacon. Damn!  It was delicious, but I had some remorse hanging out in the back of my head and the bottom of my stomach.  It was the first time since I started this journey that I had eaten until I was uncomfortable.  I hate being uncomfortable in my clothes due to overstuffing of the mouth.  Not good moments.  Upon arriving home, my pooch was desperate for a walk, but I was so full that I couldn't even move.  FAIL #2 for the evening.  I do believe however that before I went to bed that I was able to complete my ab set for the night.  A small redemption after a day of failure.

Friday was a much better day.  I had time to stop for a latte, the line was long, but I had time, so I waited patiently.  Completely avoided the pastry case and scooted my big bum to work.  Mid morning snack was an apple.  For lunch I had a string cheese and some wheat thins.  All of these things were within my means for the day, I was trying hard cut back after my day of overindulgence.  I ate WELL OVER my allotted points for the day.  So today I was making up for it.  A couple more of those evil Dove Hearts made their way into my stomach before I could escape from the grasps of work.  Home for some more work and then a dinner date with my favorite 'family'.  I opted for soup and some cheese flatbread.  A good choice.  I ended the night with some sugar free jello a fiber bar.  I have been eating a fiber bar a day and I feel like my GI is getting back on track which makes me happier than you know.  Despite getting home late, it was time to get out for walk.  Pete and I booked it!  We walked about 4 miles in almost an hour.  It was a great night for a walk, very crisp and clear.  Came home for some FBing and PINing.  Too many things on my computer suck the free time out of me like no other.

Ahhhhhh.....Saturday.  One of my favorite days of the week.  We have some open units in our apartment complex, so I was up and ready to show the units.  I had a showing that was late, so I got all my laundry started while I waited (a great start to the day).  After the showing, some laundry rotation and then I was ready to venture out with the dog before my next appointment.  I had seen the University Farmers Market on some of my weekend drives, I decided it was time for Pete and I to check it out.  I absolutely adore the Ballard Sunday Market and the Fremont Sunday Market, so I was sure the UW equivalent would be great. I looked it up online last night to make sure I knew what hours they operated, etc...  So, it's about a mile hike UPHILL from my place to the market, knowing it was going to be downhill all the way back made the hike up worth it.  I had been wanting to try some new recipes that I discovered on Pinterest, my newest online addiction.  I went to the market in search of ingredients for these dishes.  Upon arriving at the market, huffing and puffing, we headed into the market.  People were looking at my like I had some sort of communicable disease, I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  I knew I wasn't imagining it, I was getting serious dirty looks.  I made it down the first aisle and then noticed a sign at one of the other entrances "NO DOGS".  Well, that explains the dirty looks, but I was super annoyed.  I understand that not everyone loves dogs and I can respect that.  I would never bring my dog into a business where he was not welcome and I would never assume that he was welcome in anyones home or business unless I had asked first.  Bt I checked the website last night and it didn't say anything about no dogs and the entrance I came in DID NOT have a sign.  I wish instead of people giving me dirty looks, someone would have just said something.  So, instead of getting the items I needed, I had to turn around and take the pooch back to the house.  I wasn't about to trek back up that hill, so I jumped in the car and headed back up to the market.  The market didn't have anything I needed, so I went over to the grocery store to check out my items.  I can tell you that I will be sticking to the Fremont and Ballard Markets from now on.  I'm hoping the weather tomorrow will cooperate and I can hit the burke gilman over to Fremont tomorrow.

The first dish I was working on is a 'chocolate chip cookie dough dip'.  It's to satiate my sweet tooth in the healthiest way possible.  It's made with garbanzo beans, brown sugar, vanilla and a few other ingredients.  It's a dessert hummus.  I whipped it up, wasn't crazy about the taste.  It was tasty, but it was 'off'.  I made a new batch that turned out better, but I decided there was no way I could each both batches that I had made.  So, I decided to bake the batter and see what happens.  It made cookie type bars, pretty good if I can get past the fact they are made with garbanzo beans and not flour.  I must also mention for my friends who are GF/DF/EF, these are totally for you!  One of the other recipes I will be working on tonight is a freezer breakfast meal that should last me about two months.  I picked up peppers, onions, mushrooms, potatoes, eggs and chicken sausage.  I am going to make a breakfast burrito filling.  I will be adding the filling to 36 small four tortillas, sprinkling some cheese on them and then wrapping in plastic wrap and ziplocing them up.  They are a quick and easy breakfast with veggies and protein for 5 points each!!  You take them out and nuke them in the plastic wrap (steaming effect) in the microwave and chow down!  I'm really excited for these.  A great way for me to get my breakfast in and in a healthy way.  I myself prefer corn tortillas, but I don't think they will hold up as well as the flour for this recipe.  I also have a great cookie recipe that I want to try.  I love oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and someone has promised that this will be the ultimate.  I can't wait to try them. I also have been getting great tips on Pinterest on how to store food.  My biggest issue, especially with desserts and cookies is that I bake the entire batch and then I want to EAT the entire batch.  With these cookies I am going to freeze the dough balls and then I can take 1 or 2 out at a time and keep myself in control.

Sunday was near perfect.  I slept in as late as my body would let me, which today was noon.  Yikes!  I missed the swim session I was planning on making.  The man and I headed to my aunt and uncles house for a late lunch of flank steak, sweet potatoes and veggies galore.  So delish and it was under 10 points for the whole lunch.  I stopped by my favorite peoples house to visit for a bit and then home again home again jiggity jig.  I headed out and shaved 10 minutes off my walk from Friday.  I was in the mood to book it because it was raining and I was ready to eat again, all the more reason to get home quickly.  Dinner was a cup of bbq chicken strips leftover from Friday, some wheat crackers and a babybel.  A weird dinner, but it worked for me.  I also ate a cookie dough ball, yummy.  I will be freezing the rest tomorrow so I'm not tempted to keep eating the dough.  Tomorrow is Monday again, my how the time flies.  Early morning swim with Noelle and a great day ahead!

Feeling good about what this week brings and I am on track to being active.  I am in love with walking and I am finding more routes that I want to explore.  I want to continue eating as low carb as possible and this week my goal is to eat raw vegetables every day and to do at least 45 minutes of cardio for 7 days in a row, starting today (especially since I've already done it) through next Friday.  Enjoy the photos of my creations for the weekend!

Love what you are doing today and eat something yummy for me!

Cookie Dough Dip - Baked Edition

Day 7: Just call her Michael Phelps

That's right, my tried and true encourager, Noelle, as we swam laps this morning was as smooth and as elegant and as athletic as Michael Phelps. Well, at least we like to think so. I was more like Free Willy in the pool this morning, but at least I was there and swam for 30 minutes! Had some seriously sore calf and ass muscles from the grueling hike the day before, but boy did the pool feel great. I LOVE swimming. It's the only workout where you are out of breath, your body is at a normal temperature and you aren't sweating. I seriously would marry swimming if that was possible, too bad they charge an arm and a leg around here to swim or I'd do it more.

I fit into a pair of jeans again today. This was a huge feat for me. I have been wearing leggings, black yoga pants, skirts and dresses for the last 4 months, why?, because I refuse to purchase more fat clothes. I have discarded my fat clothes so many times when I have 'made a change', and as we know, it's come back....again....again....and again. So, I finally decided to stop buying fat clothes, to just squeeze into clothes that hide my fat the best and can stretch to accommodate me. Jeans, not so much, they are the most constricting clothing known to man. Now the pair I wore today were stretchy skinny jeans, but honey, they zipped and I wore em.

I'm still working on solid poo (sorry if my honesty about the bathroom is too much for you), getting closer day by day. Stomach cramps were less today when food entered my body. I am trying my best to stick from 1000-1500 calories a day or about 20-30 weight watchers points. Today, my first real day back on "food" proved successful. Coffee and cream of wheat for breakfast, tomato soup and crusty bread for lunch, an apple, a chocolate chip cookie, 2 eggs, chicken sausage, 2 slices whole grain crusty bread and 6 large bites of a low fat vanilla ice cream cone to finish the day off. I love that I can still have things I crave and know that I'm staying within my plan. I took a trip to costco today as well, these trips can prove to be the most dangerous of all kind. I mean they have the most amazing variety of frozen meals and goodies that you could ever want. But, what did I get, some more organic tomato soup, some tortilla chicken soup, more whole grain crusty bread, toilet paper, paper towels, a puma jacket...you know, the necessities. What I was most proud of was that I did not give into temptation and purchase any of that processed caca. I did however purchase lots of amazing food for the meal I am preparing for my staff tomorrow for our New Years Extravaganza. But, my goals is to save my calories for dinner tomorrow, so I can savor the flavor of small amounts of the amazing food I will be cooking.

Wednesday, it's back to Weight Watchers, most likely the evening meeting as my days this week are full of work meetings. There is anticipation and anxiety when I think about going to this meeting. Reasons....1) I'm excited to see my leader, she's full of energy and I love listening to her relate our lives to each other. 2) I love the support and accountability of being there. 3) They weigh you, like every week. 4) They weigh you, like every week. At this point I can tell you my pride is going to be a huge factor. And maybe pride isn't the right word, it's more like fear, embarrassment. I'm fat again people. The last time I weighed in there, I was like 264, which is 30 pounds lighter than I was when I started this journey 7 short days ago. So...do I want to weigh in and show the people of weight watchers that I have gained my weight back...no I don't. I want to wait until I'm 264 again, so they think that I'm awesome and I've just maintained that weight loss and have decided to return to keep losing. I've already admitted to myself that I'm REALLY FAT again, but am I not willing to admit that to the big WW. I don't want Jennifer Hudson to be disappointed in me, I love her commercials. These people will be the people who lift me up and love me regardless, but I can't do it. I probably won't either. It's pride, fear and embarrassment all wrapped into one little box, or large box.

JH would be proud though, I've been a tracking fool the last two days and I have even pre-tracked my exercise so that I can't skip out. Tomorrow morning brings a walk with my little man and then off to meetings, meetings and cooking. Why....because I love food.