Day 41: No longer a virgin

Of college mens basketball....live and in person.

Ha!  I ventured on a trip this weekend my friends, which was a much needed break for my life and thus caused a 4 day break in blogging.  I did attend my very first college basketball game and it was glorious!  My amazing friend Noelle is from Oregon, she is a die hard Duck fan and I love that about her.  I am a die hard lover of the state of Oregon.  My allegiances lie in the coast of Oregon, specifically the area between Tillamook and Depoe Bay.  If I could get rich quick, I would move to Lincoln City, OR and live there for the rest of my days, no doubt about that.  You can ask anyone else in my family and they'd tell you the exact same thing.  Though we'd visit our cabin in Wallowa Lake a few times a year.  So, my beautiful friend Noelle has been exposing me to the other great cities that are within the state of Oregon.  First Medford and now Eugene.  She has a great family friend that works for the U of O and not only did we get to attend the Ducks vs. WSU game on Saturday afternoon, but I got to watch the Ducks beat the Cougs front and center behind the Duck bench.  It was A-MAZE-ING!!  That arena is unbelievable!!  I felt very lucky to be blessed to get that 'first time' experience.  I completed my experience with a souvenir cup and a U of O sweatshirt for my ridiculously large sweatshirt collection.

This weekend brought back for me some ugly versions of myself that I would like to forget, none of them having to do with my food choices, but everything to do with why I got the way I was in the first place.  I had an interaction with someone who is a complete stranger to me this weekend, and I allowed that person to make me feel like I was nobody.  I spent the majority of my high school career feeling like I was nobody.  I was the fat girl that no one wanted to invest their time in.  I was quiet, timid and afraid of who I had the ability to be.  So, I kept my mouth shut (of course unless their was food going in it).  I allowed others to dictate to my life, to walk all over me and to basically use me and abuse me.  It was horrible.  I had a saving grace in the handful of friends I had that went to my church and also to my school, that loved me for me, but even then, one of those people often found it easy to toss me to the wayside.  I know that some of you who read this blog went to my high school and some of you were those church friends.  Know that I was really good at faking my happiness in high school when I was really screaming on the inside, wondering why people wouldn't accept me and include me, mostly because I was fat and unpopular.  I look back now and wish that I was as thin as I was in high school, but I didn't fit the mold then and I don't fit the "mold" now.  I wanted desperately to be athletic, to be accepted, but finding that there were a lot of bitches and jerk offs that went to my high school and they loved people who were exactly like them and treated those people well and treated me like I was invisible.  I have forgiven all of those people and all of those hurt feelings and moved on and I have become a different person.  I have become someone who loves myself and doesn't give two shits anymore about what "those" people think.  Nonetheless I allowed myself to be taken back to the ugly place this weekend.  I was in a room with four people, one being me and the other three being people who loved each other dearly as family, had a deep rooted history with each other and who don't get to see each other often.  They were in their world and I was a bystander.  One of them said something to me that made me feel like I was unwanted, that I was needing to be put in my place, which wasn't with them.  The actions were not malicious and I was mostly frustrated with the fact that I allowed myself to feel that way and to be put into that position.  I was in a place where I knew I was loved and protected, yet I was hurt.  How could this be?  It was no ones fault really, the person who was speaking didn't know they had hurt me and they definitely didn't do it on purpose and yet I instantly went inside myself.  I haven't been inside myself like that in a while.  I felt like I needed to hide until I could be alone with myself and slowly emerge back into my normal self.  I know that I didn't like what I saw when I went that far back.  I don't like that Alison, she is meek and doesn't know the potential she has.  I love the Alison I am now, bold and doesn't fear situations that are uncomfortable.  I was caught off guard this weekend, not by someones remarks, but by myself.  In looking back, I realize that there may be parts of my former self that I have not yet conquered or recovered from and that during this journey I may need to process and have the potential to bite me in the big fat ass.  I was able to process this interaction with a dear friend and feel like I am moving in a direction that will help me prevent this in the future.  But it's a process.  Hurtful memories that shape us and unfortunately mold us can be forgiven, but are never forgotten.  A great conversation with a great woman brought me to the realization this weekend.

This last Wednesday was a great day for my weight loss journey and my week didn't necessarily go up from there, I feel some definite regression in terms of food choices the last 4 days.  Thursday was a 5:30am day and I didn't get home until 8:30pm.  A lot of time to make bad choices as I hadn't packed a lick of food to take with me and I was going to be eating all of my meals out for the day.  There was a big event for Boys & Girls Club and I was escorting our amazing Youth of the Year around for the day.  I got myself my favorite breakfast (eggs benedict), a latte, a turkey croissant sandwich, multiple mini desserts and then carne asada at my favorite Thursday night dinner spot with my favorite people.  Not a horrible day, but definitely not a great day.  There was also no time for a workout or a walk, unless you count walking around most of the day in 5 inch heels a workout.  I did sweat a bit, but I was feeling great about how I looked in my little bronze silk belted number.  Not as great as I'll look about 6 months from now, but definitely better than I looked a month ago.  Friday was another early day...I did get to sleep later than 6am, but I had TONS of errands to run.  I did Costco, Starbucks, lunch with kids, home for 3 hours to show our open units to about 6 different people and then back to the Club for another 5 hours to finish up the work day and close up after basketball was over.  It was looooong day.  I had a latte, bagel thin with peanut butter, subway sandwich for lunch, wheat thins for snack and then I caved and stopped at Dick's on the way home from work at 9pm for 2 cheeseburgers and a fry.  DAMN!!!!!!! Why are there burgers so good and sooooooo tempting after 9pm.  I truly believe that the reason I don't like to be out after dinner time is because I'm temped by there being a Dick's around every corner in my life and how much I love that greasy goodness.  A serious low point in this journey for me so far and I had instant remorse once I had ingested it all in a matter of minutes.  I was seriously so hungry though and instead of getting home to do a quick meal at home that would have been 20 times healthier for me, I went for the quick fix.

This weekend was a tad bit better for me.  The weekend itself was amazing and was definitely something I needed, but again, got me no where with my cardio.  I spent a lot of time sitting and a tad bit of time eating.  I definitely didn't snack at all this weekend, which was good, besides some red vines and a diet coke at the Duck game.  But I felt pretty tame in my meal choices, didn't overstuff myself.  Let's take a moment and celebrate that.....IT'S BEEN A MONTH AND A HALF SINCE I FED MYSELF SOOOO MUCH THAT I WANTED TO PUKE.  I have been so very successful in breaking that habit thus far because I know how crappy it makes me feel.

So, I feel like this week will be a good week to get back on my food planning and I actually found another "cleanse" type program that I want to try this week.  Thankfully it involves food, but it's very clean and actually is called the "2 day cleanse to looking better naked" or something like that.  Let's be honest, who doesn't want to look better naked?  Now I don't think that a 2 day cleanse is the answer to my fat naked body, more like a 200 day cleanse to naked body I can stand to look at sounds more up my alley.  I will say that I love looking in the mirror when I'm naked in my own bathroom.  It may be that the mirror in my bathroom only shows me from the clavicle up, and I would have to stand on the bathtub to get a full view, not something I choose to do, that's for sure.  But my shoulders and head I enjoy in this naked state.  So, this cleanse is supposed to be for 2 days, but my plan is to do it for 4-5 days this week.  I of course will let you know how it goes.

For now....I need to stop eating and focus on some better food...

Day 29: Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

Who me?  YES YOU!

It was me, I confess.  The cookies... all the cookies and all the candies that are missing from life right now have probably been eaten by me.  I love Weight Watchers, but when they allow you to eat what you want within your points, sometimes I do just that, I eat what I want.  I eat raw fruits and veggies and then consume the rest of my points in sweets, my most arched nemeses.  I also know that I am an emotional eater, but not necessarily always on the negative emotion side.  I love to 'treat' myself.  When I have worked out once, maybe even twice a day, I feel like I need to have sugar, I NEED to eat treats.  How to get over that?  I'm not sure I'm afraid.  That is something I seek to know, seek to change.  Suggestions?  Anybody dealt with that?  Magic Cure?  I need to figure out how to control that.

I think I need a plan...

I struggle to plan ahead.  I'm pretty good about planning ahead for lunch, I have a shelf in the fridge at work for my food and I know the point value of everything on that shelf.  It's all the other delicious treats and foods that arise in my day that I have a hard time saying 'no' to.  I have my breakfasts planned out as well depending on if I do a morning workout or not and what my time constraints are.  Dinner and "evening time" always get me to.  I love to experiment and cook things for my hunk-a-burnin-love at night and I'm not necessarily even hungry when I eat them, but I made them, so I'm not gonna say no.  EPIPHANY!!  I DON'T SAY NO.  Not really to anything.  I say yes to anyone who needs me, I say yes to any task thrown my way and I say yes to food.  I seek to please, I'm a pleaser.  I don't want to be one to ask for help, I want to be the one in control that other's come to.  I know this, I guess I didn't realize it transcends directly to my food habits as well.  I am constantly busy, I rarely have a night or a moment during the day where I don't have something to do or have something planned or say yes to extra work or commitments.  Because I am constantly on the go, I say YES to food choices I know I should say NO to.  But because I didn't plan ahead for that part of life, I allow myself to cheat, to make bad choices and to ultimately quit.  I say things like "I just go too busy".  Taking care of myself physically just goes to the back burner so I can please others and step up and be the BEST at everything.

This is what needs to be different....I need to plan and to say NO.  I need to know my limitations, to set goals, to set boundaries and seek to complete those to the best of my abilities.  So much easier said than done.  I want the best for my life and for myself, so I work myself to be the bone, so I can have more so I can be more in this life.  But I won't be able to enjoy it if I don't say NO to myself.  I need to say NO, when I want to get 'too busy'.  Let's be honest, when am I not busy, never.  I feel like I constantly wait for life to slow down, for the busy "season" of the year to pass me by and then I realize it never comes.

So tomorrow is weigh in day.  I am nervous, as I will always be on weigh in day.  But the cookie monster in me and my self-treating is what I'm worried about on the scale.  I have swam laps the last two mornings and walked on top of that.  I'm gonna hit the pool again tomorrow before I weigh in, hoping my body doesn't absorb too much water before weigh in.

Goal for this week is to plan.  Plan out my meals and snacks for the next week.  To eat ONLY the things I plan, to say NO to all the extras.  Tomorrow's weigh in post will include my weeks worth of meals for all of you.  I want to be accountable to what I plan, so I will then post at the end of the week what I actually ate.  This could prove to be difficult as the SuperBowl is Sunday and I am making food for my man's friends that are coming to watch at our place.  I aim to impress with my food, so I will need some limitations on myself for that day.

Working on control this week, self-control...

Day 27: The candy man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.

Man I love candy.  I'm watching Willy Wonka on tv as my blogging background of choice.  It's a temptation that I can't eat, thankfully.

After my enlightenment about the scale, Thursday took a quick downturn for this woman.  The day started off with an unexpected phone call that sent me rushing to work for some forgotten items.  ugh!  I hate when that happens.  I planned on sleeping in and doing things from home, but instead I had to shoot out of bed and get myself rushing.  I did decided that me having to rush to work on my day off meant I could stop for a latte, but when I got there, the line was soooo long, there was no way I was waiting in that mess, so I opted to just suck it up and down some satisfying ice water instead.  I got quite a bit done at work, and then had a surprise visit from my brother and we go a chance to meet up and go to lunch!  We headed to an amazing Puerto Rican restaurant and I indulged in some sweet potato fries and a delicious pulled pork sandwich covered in veggies.  The sandwich was so good, I didn't need to eat very many of the fries and the best thing about the pork was it wasn't slathered in bbq sauce, but it was slow cooked in some amazing spices in a broth.  I was a great choice and it was so delicious.  I was feeling good about lunch choices thus far.  I headed back to work to get a few more things done before I go to head out with one of my amazing teens.  We were headed to a training to some much needed shopping for her special event.  I did however fall into the desk candy trap this week.  I did a round of encouragement for my staff on Wednesday night, which kept me at work until 9:30.  Who can write encouragement notes with adorning the envelopes with sweet treats.  Sweet treats of choice this week were Dove Hearts.  Ahhh!  I'm a sucker for Dove hearts and anything chocolate really.  So, I've been 'treating' myself multiple times a day.  I seriously have no control over chocolate, which is why I can't have it around.  I need to do some more encouraging soon and send out the rest of my temptation.

There was a great veggie and fruit spread at the training I went to with my special young lady.  Perfect!  I can have all the fruits and veggies I want.  Training got over quickly and we headed out to our shopping extravaganza.  This trip was a huge success and we all got what we wanted!  Shopping for this special event also includes dinner out.  May I remind you that I already went out for lunch, so this was meal #2 out on the town.  We decided to try the new Hard Rock Cafe downtown Seattle.  So instead of going for a salad or a lighter dinner, be both went gung ho for the huge burger and fries with an onion ring and bacon. Damn!  It was delicious, but I had some remorse hanging out in the back of my head and the bottom of my stomach.  It was the first time since I started this journey that I had eaten until I was uncomfortable.  I hate being uncomfortable in my clothes due to overstuffing of the mouth.  Not good moments.  Upon arriving home, my pooch was desperate for a walk, but I was so full that I couldn't even move.  FAIL #2 for the evening.  I do believe however that before I went to bed that I was able to complete my ab set for the night.  A small redemption after a day of failure.

Friday was a much better day.  I had time to stop for a latte, the line was long, but I had time, so I waited patiently.  Completely avoided the pastry case and scooted my big bum to work.  Mid morning snack was an apple.  For lunch I had a string cheese and some wheat thins.  All of these things were within my means for the day, I was trying hard cut back after my day of overindulgence.  I ate WELL OVER my allotted points for the day.  So today I was making up for it.  A couple more of those evil Dove Hearts made their way into my stomach before I could escape from the grasps of work.  Home for some more work and then a dinner date with my favorite 'family'.  I opted for soup and some cheese flatbread.  A good choice.  I ended the night with some sugar free jello a fiber bar.  I have been eating a fiber bar a day and I feel like my GI is getting back on track which makes me happier than you know.  Despite getting home late, it was time to get out for walk.  Pete and I booked it!  We walked about 4 miles in almost an hour.  It was a great night for a walk, very crisp and clear.  Came home for some FBing and PINing.  Too many things on my computer suck the free time out of me like no other.

Ahhhhhh.....Saturday.  One of my favorite days of the week.  We have some open units in our apartment complex, so I was up and ready to show the units.  I had a showing that was late, so I got all my laundry started while I waited (a great start to the day).  After the showing, some laundry rotation and then I was ready to venture out with the dog before my next appointment.  I had seen the University Farmers Market on some of my weekend drives, I decided it was time for Pete and I to check it out.  I absolutely adore the Ballard Sunday Market and the Fremont Sunday Market, so I was sure the UW equivalent would be great. I looked it up online last night to make sure I knew what hours they operated, etc...  So, it's about a mile hike UPHILL from my place to the market, knowing it was going to be downhill all the way back made the hike up worth it.  I had been wanting to try some new recipes that I discovered on Pinterest, my newest online addiction.  I went to the market in search of ingredients for these dishes.  Upon arriving at the market, huffing and puffing, we headed into the market.  People were looking at my like I had some sort of communicable disease, I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  I knew I wasn't imagining it, I was getting serious dirty looks.  I made it down the first aisle and then noticed a sign at one of the other entrances "NO DOGS".  Well, that explains the dirty looks, but I was super annoyed.  I understand that not everyone loves dogs and I can respect that.  I would never bring my dog into a business where he was not welcome and I would never assume that he was welcome in anyones home or business unless I had asked first.  Bt I checked the website last night and it didn't say anything about no dogs and the entrance I came in DID NOT have a sign.  I wish instead of people giving me dirty looks, someone would have just said something.  So, instead of getting the items I needed, I had to turn around and take the pooch back to the house.  I wasn't about to trek back up that hill, so I jumped in the car and headed back up to the market.  The market didn't have anything I needed, so I went over to the grocery store to check out my items.  I can tell you that I will be sticking to the Fremont and Ballard Markets from now on.  I'm hoping the weather tomorrow will cooperate and I can hit the burke gilman over to Fremont tomorrow.

The first dish I was working on is a 'chocolate chip cookie dough dip'.  It's to satiate my sweet tooth in the healthiest way possible.  It's made with garbanzo beans, brown sugar, vanilla and a few other ingredients.  It's a dessert hummus.  I whipped it up, wasn't crazy about the taste.  It was tasty, but it was 'off'.  I made a new batch that turned out better, but I decided there was no way I could each both batches that I had made.  So, I decided to bake the batter and see what happens.  It made cookie type bars, pretty good if I can get past the fact they are made with garbanzo beans and not flour.  I must also mention for my friends who are GF/DF/EF, these are totally for you!  One of the other recipes I will be working on tonight is a freezer breakfast meal that should last me about two months.  I picked up peppers, onions, mushrooms, potatoes, eggs and chicken sausage.  I am going to make a breakfast burrito filling.  I will be adding the filling to 36 small four tortillas, sprinkling some cheese on them and then wrapping in plastic wrap and ziplocing them up.  They are a quick and easy breakfast with veggies and protein for 5 points each!!  You take them out and nuke them in the plastic wrap (steaming effect) in the microwave and chow down!  I'm really excited for these.  A great way for me to get my breakfast in and in a healthy way.  I myself prefer corn tortillas, but I don't think they will hold up as well as the flour for this recipe.  I also have a great cookie recipe that I want to try.  I love oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and someone has promised that this will be the ultimate.  I can't wait to try them. I also have been getting great tips on Pinterest on how to store food.  My biggest issue, especially with desserts and cookies is that I bake the entire batch and then I want to EAT the entire batch.  With these cookies I am going to freeze the dough balls and then I can take 1 or 2 out at a time and keep myself in control.

Sunday was near perfect.  I slept in as late as my body would let me, which today was noon.  Yikes!  I missed the swim session I was planning on making.  The man and I headed to my aunt and uncles house for a late lunch of flank steak, sweet potatoes and veggies galore.  So delish and it was under 10 points for the whole lunch.  I stopped by my favorite peoples house to visit for a bit and then home again home again jiggity jig.  I headed out and shaved 10 minutes off my walk from Friday.  I was in the mood to book it because it was raining and I was ready to eat again, all the more reason to get home quickly.  Dinner was a cup of bbq chicken strips leftover from Friday, some wheat crackers and a babybel.  A weird dinner, but it worked for me.  I also ate a cookie dough ball, yummy.  I will be freezing the rest tomorrow so I'm not tempted to keep eating the dough.  Tomorrow is Monday again, my how the time flies.  Early morning swim with Noelle and a great day ahead!

Feeling good about what this week brings and I am on track to being active.  I am in love with walking and I am finding more routes that I want to explore.  I want to continue eating as low carb as possible and this week my goal is to eat raw vegetables every day and to do at least 45 minutes of cardio for 7 days in a row, starting today (especially since I've already done it) through next Friday.  Enjoy the photos of my creations for the weekend!

Love what you are doing today and eat something yummy for me!

Cookie Dough Dip - Baked Edition

Day 7: Just call her Michael Phelps

That's right, my tried and true encourager, Noelle, as we swam laps this morning was as smooth and as elegant and as athletic as Michael Phelps. Well, at least we like to think so. I was more like Free Willy in the pool this morning, but at least I was there and swam for 30 minutes! Had some seriously sore calf and ass muscles from the grueling hike the day before, but boy did the pool feel great. I LOVE swimming. It's the only workout where you are out of breath, your body is at a normal temperature and you aren't sweating. I seriously would marry swimming if that was possible, too bad they charge an arm and a leg around here to swim or I'd do it more.

I fit into a pair of jeans again today. This was a huge feat for me. I have been wearing leggings, black yoga pants, skirts and dresses for the last 4 months, why?, because I refuse to purchase more fat clothes. I have discarded my fat clothes so many times when I have 'made a change', and as we know, it's come back....again....again....and again. So, I finally decided to stop buying fat clothes, to just squeeze into clothes that hide my fat the best and can stretch to accommodate me. Jeans, not so much, they are the most constricting clothing known to man. Now the pair I wore today were stretchy skinny jeans, but honey, they zipped and I wore em.

I'm still working on solid poo (sorry if my honesty about the bathroom is too much for you), getting closer day by day. Stomach cramps were less today when food entered my body. I am trying my best to stick from 1000-1500 calories a day or about 20-30 weight watchers points. Today, my first real day back on "food" proved successful. Coffee and cream of wheat for breakfast, tomato soup and crusty bread for lunch, an apple, a chocolate chip cookie, 2 eggs, chicken sausage, 2 slices whole grain crusty bread and 6 large bites of a low fat vanilla ice cream cone to finish the day off. I love that I can still have things I crave and know that I'm staying within my plan. I took a trip to costco today as well, these trips can prove to be the most dangerous of all kind. I mean they have the most amazing variety of frozen meals and goodies that you could ever want. But, what did I get, some more organic tomato soup, some tortilla chicken soup, more whole grain crusty bread, toilet paper, paper towels, a puma jacket...you know, the necessities. What I was most proud of was that I did not give into temptation and purchase any of that processed caca. I did however purchase lots of amazing food for the meal I am preparing for my staff tomorrow for our New Years Extravaganza. But, my goals is to save my calories for dinner tomorrow, so I can savor the flavor of small amounts of the amazing food I will be cooking.

Wednesday, it's back to Weight Watchers, most likely the evening meeting as my days this week are full of work meetings. There is anticipation and anxiety when I think about going to this meeting. Reasons....1) I'm excited to see my leader, she's full of energy and I love listening to her relate our lives to each other. 2) I love the support and accountability of being there. 3) They weigh you, like every week. 4) They weigh you, like every week. At this point I can tell you my pride is going to be a huge factor. And maybe pride isn't the right word, it's more like fear, embarrassment. I'm fat again people. The last time I weighed in there, I was like 264, which is 30 pounds lighter than I was when I started this journey 7 short days ago. So...do I want to weigh in and show the people of weight watchers that I have gained my weight back...no I don't. I want to wait until I'm 264 again, so they think that I'm awesome and I've just maintained that weight loss and have decided to return to keep losing. I've already admitted to myself that I'm REALLY FAT again, but am I not willing to admit that to the big WW. I don't want Jennifer Hudson to be disappointed in me, I love her commercials. These people will be the people who lift me up and love me regardless, but I can't do it. I probably won't either. It's pride, fear and embarrassment all wrapped into one little box, or large box.

JH would be proud though, I've been a tracking fool the last two days and I have even pre-tracked my exercise so that I can't skip out. Tomorrow morning brings a walk with my little man and then off to meetings, meetings and cooking. Why....because I love food.