I fit into a pair of jeans again today. This was a huge feat for me. I have been wearing leggings, black yoga pants, skirts and dresses for the last 4 months, why?, because I refuse to purchase more fat clothes. I have discarded my fat clothes so many times when I have 'made a change', and as we know, it's come back....again....again....and again. So, I finally decided to stop buying fat clothes, to just squeeze into clothes that hide my fat the best and can stretch to accommodate me. Jeans, not so much, they are the most constricting clothing known to man. Now the pair I wore today were stretchy skinny jeans, but honey, they zipped and I wore em.
I'm still working on solid poo (sorry if my honesty about the bathroom is too much for you), getting closer day by day. Stomach cramps were less today when food entered my body. I am trying my best to stick from 1000-1500 calories a day or about 20-30 weight watchers points. Today, my first real day back on "food" proved successful. Coffee and cream of wheat for breakfast, tomato soup and crusty bread for lunch, an apple, a chocolate chip cookie, 2 eggs, chicken sausage, 2 slices whole grain crusty bread and 6 large bites of a low fat vanilla ice cream cone to finish the day off. I love that I can still have things I crave and know that I'm staying within my plan. I took a trip to costco today as well, these trips can prove to be the most dangerous of all kind. I mean they have the most amazing variety of frozen meals and goodies that you could ever want. But, what did I get, some more organic tomato soup, some tortilla chicken soup, more whole grain crusty bread, toilet paper, paper towels, a puma jacket...you know, the necessities. What I was most proud of was that I did not give into temptation and purchase any of that processed caca. I did however purchase lots of amazing food for the meal I am preparing for my staff tomorrow for our New Years Extravaganza. But, my goals is to save my calories for dinner tomorrow, so I can savor the flavor of small amounts of the amazing food I will be cooking.
Wednesday, it's back to Weight Watchers, most likely the evening meeting as my days this week are full of work meetings. There is anticipation and anxiety when I think about going to this meeting. Reasons....1) I'm excited to see my leader, she's full of energy and I love listening to her relate our lives to each other. 2) I love the support and accountability of being there. 3) They weigh you, like every week. 4) They weigh you, like every week. At this point I can tell you my pride is going to be a huge factor. And maybe pride isn't the right word, it's more like fear, embarrassment. I'm fat again people. The last time I weighed in there, I was like 264, which is 30 pounds lighter than I was when I started this journey 7 short days ago. So...do I want to weigh in and show the people of weight watchers that I have gained my weight back...no I don't. I want to wait until I'm 264 again, so they think that I'm awesome and I've just maintained that weight loss and have decided to return to keep losing. I've already admitted to myself that I'm REALLY FAT again, but am I not willing to admit that to the big WW. I don't want Jennifer Hudson to be disappointed in me, I love her commercials. These people will be the people who lift me up and love me regardless, but I can't do it. I probably won't either. It's pride, fear and embarrassment all wrapped into one little box, or large box.
JH would be proud though, I've been a tracking fool the last two days and I have even pre-tracked my exercise so that I can't skip out. Tomorrow morning brings a walk with my little man and then off to meetings, meetings and cooking. Why....because I love food.
