Day 52: Rock bottom seems only one bad trip away...

Now I haven't actually fallen down, my limbs are all still working and I'm still standing and in one place.  Well, I'm actually sitting right now, but you get the idea.  As previously stated, it's been a rough week or two in terms of food and how I feel about it.  Was home Sunday, left early Monday to get back for a catering job on Monday night.  Made a delightful meal of Salmon, Carmelized Onion and Spinach Pilaf, Grilled Veggies and French Bread.  The event was great and I treated myself to a Dick's cheeseburger and milkshake afterwards, bad choice, I know.  Today I catered a gourmet taco bar luncheon and made some amazing 4 hour beans, mexican rice, shredded beef, shredded chicken, ground turkey and brownies.  Found my new favorite pulled beef recipe, which I'm sure would translate well with pork as well.  I have leftovers that my peeps at work will be enjoying tomorrow!

Tuesday morning started a new round of the Masters Cleanse.  I welcomed it this time, considered the lemony goodness a refreshing friend.  I have had my issues this week with it.  I am on day 3 of the cleanse and have done pretty well sticking with it.  I have eaten a few things and have "tested" the food I made for a catering job I had today as well.  I do have to try it though, I'm not going to serve something to someone that I'm not positive tastes amazing.  My body is riding itself of all of the crap I have eaten in the last two weeks.  I wish there was a better way for me to get back on track.  Or better yet, a better way to stay on track in the first place, but that is still a mystery to me.  It's crazy how I love being in control of other things in my life, but I allow food and eating to be the out of control part of my life.

Control hasn't been something I've had lately though.  I've been exhausted and overloaded.  A series of events with people at work have added a boat load of extra stress on my plate the last few months and it's finally taking it's toll on me.  My business is ramping up, which is great and I've been loving all of the referrals and work I've been getting, but the work has to be done after my other jobs, which means late nights for this girl.  We also have two units open right now and it's a lot of work to show them and get them ready to rent and I have that on top of the other two jobs has brought me crashing down.  I lost control of my emotions last night at about 12 am as I shredded chicken by hand for my luncheon today.  I sobbed and the man rubbed my back and told me it was ok.  I want a better life, I want things later in life and I know that in order to get there I need to work as hard as possible now.  But at times I can't handle it, let's be honest, I can't handle most of what I take on, but I just pretend that I can.  I then become stressed out beyond belief and I end up crying over shredded chicken.

I weighed in on Wednesday morning, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but I'd rather wait until the end of this cleanse before I post my official weight.  Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm still struggling.  I need to get fully under control before I can post that I'm headed in any direction.

I have reached out to some great sources for help and am on the road to being back.  I need rest, I need some direction and I need to keep moving.  The one thing I have kept up with is working out.  Swimming laps like a champ, poor little Pete hasn't been on a walk in the last few days, but he will soon.

There are so many things I want to do in this life and it has become clear that I don't have the ability to do all of those things they way that I am trying to do them, ALL AT ONCE.  I need assistance.  I know exactly who I need to assist me and I'm waiting on that person, also a family member :).  I have a good feeling about it and am beyond elated that we have the ability to take this journey together.  I have also been so inspired lately by the hard work that people around me are putting into their lives.  It has been so inspiring to see people quitting bad habits and working on healing from past hurts.  I am inspired to keep going and all the love and support of those around me only makes that easier.

I love the people in my life and I love how they love me.  I feel like I'm headed toward a life transition, not sure what or where, but something is going to be different.  Hopefully it's my fat, hoping it's had enough of me and wants to be melted away.  I wish someone could throw water on me and my fat would instantly melt off, like the wicked witch.  But I don't want my face to melt off too, so I'll be content being the fat witch right now, slowly working my way towards a combination of the good witch and the healthy witch.  Yellow brick road, here I come!

Day 29: Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

Who me?  YES YOU!

It was me, I confess.  The cookies... all the cookies and all the candies that are missing from life right now have probably been eaten by me.  I love Weight Watchers, but when they allow you to eat what you want within your points, sometimes I do just that, I eat what I want.  I eat raw fruits and veggies and then consume the rest of my points in sweets, my most arched nemeses.  I also know that I am an emotional eater, but not necessarily always on the negative emotion side.  I love to 'treat' myself.  When I have worked out once, maybe even twice a day, I feel like I need to have sugar, I NEED to eat treats.  How to get over that?  I'm not sure I'm afraid.  That is something I seek to know, seek to change.  Suggestions?  Anybody dealt with that?  Magic Cure?  I need to figure out how to control that.

I think I need a plan...

I struggle to plan ahead.  I'm pretty good about planning ahead for lunch, I have a shelf in the fridge at work for my food and I know the point value of everything on that shelf.  It's all the other delicious treats and foods that arise in my day that I have a hard time saying 'no' to.  I have my breakfasts planned out as well depending on if I do a morning workout or not and what my time constraints are.  Dinner and "evening time" always get me to.  I love to experiment and cook things for my hunk-a-burnin-love at night and I'm not necessarily even hungry when I eat them, but I made them, so I'm not gonna say no.  EPIPHANY!!  I DON'T SAY NO.  Not really to anything.  I say yes to anyone who needs me, I say yes to any task thrown my way and I say yes to food.  I seek to please, I'm a pleaser.  I don't want to be one to ask for help, I want to be the one in control that other's come to.  I know this, I guess I didn't realize it transcends directly to my food habits as well.  I am constantly busy, I rarely have a night or a moment during the day where I don't have something to do or have something planned or say yes to extra work or commitments.  Because I am constantly on the go, I say YES to food choices I know I should say NO to.  But because I didn't plan ahead for that part of life, I allow myself to cheat, to make bad choices and to ultimately quit.  I say things like "I just go too busy".  Taking care of myself physically just goes to the back burner so I can please others and step up and be the BEST at everything.

This is what needs to be different....I need to plan and to say NO.  I need to know my limitations, to set goals, to set boundaries and seek to complete those to the best of my abilities.  So much easier said than done.  I want the best for my life and for myself, so I work myself to be the bone, so I can have more so I can be more in this life.  But I won't be able to enjoy it if I don't say NO to myself.  I need to say NO, when I want to get 'too busy'.  Let's be honest, when am I not busy, never.  I feel like I constantly wait for life to slow down, for the busy "season" of the year to pass me by and then I realize it never comes.

So tomorrow is weigh in day.  I am nervous, as I will always be on weigh in day.  But the cookie monster in me and my self-treating is what I'm worried about on the scale.  I have swam laps the last two mornings and walked on top of that.  I'm gonna hit the pool again tomorrow before I weigh in, hoping my body doesn't absorb too much water before weigh in.

Goal for this week is to plan.  Plan out my meals and snacks for the next week.  To eat ONLY the things I plan, to say NO to all the extras.  Tomorrow's weigh in post will include my weeks worth of meals for all of you.  I want to be accountable to what I plan, so I will then post at the end of the week what I actually ate.  This could prove to be difficult as the SuperBowl is Sunday and I am making food for my man's friends that are coming to watch at our place.  I aim to impress with my food, so I will need some limitations on myself for that day.

Working on control this week, self-control...