Day 63: Roller coaster baby baby!

Life is a roller coaster.  There is no better way to explain it.  Huge ups, huge downs and lots of in between. At times I feel like I'm still a kid and other times I feel like a crippled old lady.  Life is amazing in that way in that I can feel and be both of those people in one day.  I can be bounding and bouncing and full of life and then feel it almost necessary to use a walker to get around like an hour later.

Things have gone fairly well this week.  I haven't gone completely out of control....though those damn girl scout cookies are not helping me at all.  I had been working out, got most of my schedule in tact and my accountability partners have been coming in slowly but surely and I pumped.  I walked the pooch on Saturday for a good hour plus and then Sunday my biggest fan and I hit Greenlake.  I was feeling ambitious and some serious guilt after indulging in the worlds best nachos and about 6 "pieces" of a cupcake on Saturday night.  Though I must say that I was REALLY good about not eating much and saving most of my points knowing I was going out to dinner on Saturday.  Nonetheless, there was guilt and my guild drove me to push myself to do two laps around Greenlake, which is almost 6 miles mind you.  My lovely lady obliged and we did two laps in a little under an hour and a half.  Felt really good, though hours later we both felt like we had been run over by a bus.  I spent the rest of the day laying in bed and heating my knees and back with my heating pads.  I also spent most of today limping and hobbling.  Who knew that walking two times around the lake was that much harder on your body than just one.  Not this girl, that's for sure.  I was thinking it would be no problem, but apparently it was crippling to my body.  I even tried to counteract how sore I was today by dressing up really cute and it backfired in my face.  I should have worn yoga pants, sweatshirt and slippers, the dress and the boots were too much for my posture to handle.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about motivation and what is motivating me, to workout and to eat.  I am seeking to have others help motivate me to keep going physically.  At this point, I'm good with that, it makes me feel a little bit like a kid because I know I can't be trusted to do it on my own.  But admitting that to myself and seeking assistance in the form of accountability it a big step for me.  I have also set my alarms in the morning to remind me why I and getting my ass out of bed that early.  My absolute last chance alarm to get up and work out now reads...."Do you want to be this fat forever?".  Harsh I know, but honestly I smile, laugh on the inside, sometimes the outside and then I get my fat ass out of bed.  Because, NO, I don't want to be fat forever and that pushes me out of bed.  We will have to see what other kind of phrases I can use to shock myself out of bed.  I'm thinking maybe...."You bought a $140 LuLu hoodie, it still doesn't fit....get up!"....or maybe "One-derland is just a short 70 pounds away...get up or you could be headed back to three hundred land."...or everyone's favorite "Does everything still jiggle when you walk?....then get up!"  I'm sure I could come up with a hundred more, but for now this is motivation enough :).

I had an epiphany today around food.  I think I will need to have a million epiphanies like this in order to get myself where I want to be.  I love Monday's (that's not the epiphany), because I get to see some of my favorite people in the world, my high schoolers.  I love the hours of 2:30-6 on Mondays.  That's the time I'm in my office and they come in and out in groups, hanging out, talking, laughing and being in relationship with each other.  Getting to be a part of that is the happiest time of my week.  We then have our official meeting at 6, get down to business and then I get to share a meal with whoever is around afterwards, usually the same crew.  I was going to 'skip' dinner with them tonight because I had started a new "cleanse".  I was chatting with my 'president on paper' and was explaining why I couldn't go to Pho with him and others tonight.  I was on my newest 'fad cleanse detox plan'.  This is like the 3rd one I've tried in the last 2 months, that's a problem.  I didn't think it was a problem, but it is.  I thought I was just seeking to be healthy to get myself that next "jump start" on weight loss.  But I know from experience and surprisingly I was reminded by this awesome teen in my life that this isn't what creates long lasting change. That's a state of mind.  I also realized that doing this cleanse for 3 days isn't going to do a whole lot for me except make me want to eat the things I "can't have".  I remembered why I loved WW when I started it....I could eat whatever I wanted, but I just need to be in control and in moderation.  I had been doing so well all day and all I wanted to do was go eat Pho with my favorite people.  I was going to deprive myself of that, even though I was well within my points, for the sake of the cleanse.  I'm crazy.  I can determine though that I was me looking for that next quick fix.  The world tells us all we need is this great new product, just buy these pills, just buy this workout dvd, just join this gym and the fat will just fall off of your body.  So........NOT TRUE!  Though I continue to believe these lies.  So again I am thankful for my teens and what they bring to my life.  Clarity.

So....I had a great day, started it off with lap swim, ate really well all day and ended my day with some amazing Pho with some amazing people in my life.  I am now setting my alarm to "Do you want to be this fat forever?" and I have my bag packed for lap swim with my girl Sara in the morning.  I'm gonna finish off all the great dark green veggies and lean protein I got for the cleanse and leave my dinner choices up to me.  I feel great about that balance.  What do you think?

Day 58: We're the worlds most fearsome fighting team - TurtlePower!!!

I love the ninja turtles.  I love the ninja turtle cartoons and I was IN LOVE when the real life movie series came out.  My brothers and I were addicted to those movies and I love seeing younger generations connect with those movies and see how amazingly awesome turtles with ninja skills are.  I'm in the process of gathering my own 'fearsome fighting team', though we aren't using our ninja skills to fight anyone, but they are going to be my fearsome fighting cardio accountability.  Something I've realized in these past few weeks as this months workout calendar has a lot more X days than last months calendar is that I will use any excuse to not get to my cardio.  But if I have someone who is holding me accountable, who is meeting me at my cardio destination, I WILL SHOW UP!  Why?  Maybe not always because I want to be there, but I don't want to let other people down and I don't want to disappoint.  So, my new cardio schedule is as follows, if you are interested in adding yourself into one of the blank spaces I will gladly accept you as part of the FFT (fearsome fighting team) as we so desperately fight for my health and my weight loss journey...

Monday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6-6:30AM with _____________
Tuesday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6:45-7:30AM with _____________
Wednesday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6-6:30AM with KATE!
Wednesday:  Walk anytime between 11am-2pm with ____________
Thursday:  Walk from 10-11AM with KATE!
Friday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6:45-7:30AM with _____________
Sunday:  Walk anytime between 11am-2pm with ______________

I'm really excited to see who is going to fill in my blanks!  I really feel like accountability is something I NEED, so if you become part of my FFT, you have to be ready to bring it and ride my ass if I slack off.

There's no doubt that it's been a rough couple of weeks for me and not just with food, but with my emotions, with my health and with my stress level.  I did a semi-cleanse to get myself back on track and have been dealing with a lot of emotional issues with people that have been dragging me away from taking care of me.  I know for sure that in the first two weeks after my last weigh in, I GAINED weight and I wasn't willing to step on the scale and admit it to myself.  I hid behind my stress and my emotions instead and I ate some of them.  I did the semi-cleanse and I got my ass back to Weight Watchers this week and I have been trying my hardest to get myself headed in the right direction with some poking and proding from others.  I made a priorities list in the three areas of my life that cause me the most stress, my jobs!  I made a list of things that needed to get done and things on those lists that I could ask for help from others on.  I need to refine the list a bit and then comes the hard part...asking for help.  Not one of my strong suits.  You see, I can do everything.  I AM WONDERWOMAN.  I have the costume to prove it.  My brain and my heart constantly are telling me that I can do everything and that I need to do as much as possible to get people to trust me and to like me and so that I can feel successful.  My body doesn't always agree.  I also know that those things aren't true.  I do love to be in control of things, because my way is the better way and I can always get things done faster myself rather than showing someone else how to do it.  But....then where does that leave me....FAT....TIRED....CRYING....EXHAUSTED.....SICK....STRESSED and about a million other things.  I have also realized as life progresses that I'm not helping others grow or be successful if I'm not teaching or showing them how to do more.  The worst part about me is thought that people CONSTANTLY OFFER TO HELP ME and I turn them down.  I'm a sick and twisted individual.

I have been suprised lately though at where my support in this journey is coming from.  My expectations were that my close friends, people I saw everyday or spoke to on a regular basis would be the people that follow my blog and seek to support me.  That has been true in some instancesa (and I love those people for that), or there has been some initial interest and then they have fallen off or have their own things going on.  A good amount of my feedback and written support though has been from people who are not in close proximity to me, people from my past or who live far off.  If you are one of those people, THANKS!  I really appreciate your words and the encourgement I get to keep going with this whole journey.  I hope that the further I get into this the more serious I will take myself and the more serious the people who directly surround me will be to me.  I realize that in the past I have claimed a lot of things, claimed to be making a change and then fallen off the wagon a month or two in.  So maybe I have something to prove to these people, but more importantly to myself.

I wish I had some funny stories for you, but there has been no pooping in the woods lately.  I have had more 'accidents' than I can count, lots of them involving girl scout cookies and cadbury eggs.  Easter candy is my #1 WEAKNESS in the candy world.  Lots of people think cadbury eggs are gross, you know the ones that have the gooey candy in the middle that looks like an egg yolk.  I FRICKIN LOVE THOSE THINGS!  I found a co-worker that also has and affinity for them and together we could eat our way through the cadbury egg factory.  I have no doubt.

I am happy to announce that after a shitty couple weeks and then some recovery time, I have MAINTAINED my weight.  Which I couldn't be happier about.  I most definitely gained weight, but in not weighing myself I didn't have to actually see the scale go up.  So...numbers are

Day 1

Day 58

Day 30

Day 44: At WW, we say "only track on the days you want to lose weight"

This early morning blog post is brought to you by the letters S-H-A-M-E.

Yup, that's right, shame.  I feel ashamed for how this last week has gone.  After my glorious weigh in last week I became completely delusional.  I told myself I had it under control, but boy was I wrong.  I haven't "tracked" once in the last week, well not honestly anyway.  If my tracking isn't honest, then what's the point really, it's not going to do me any good.  I am also sorry to say that I made really good excuses for my poor food choice and got to the point where I was just like F*** it, I'm gonna eat this.  Thus sabatoging myself.

This is another form of Alison that I hate.  She's really good and self-sabatoge and when she isn't in good communication with her support system, she allows herself to fail.  So, as a result of my S-H-A-M-E, I am NOT going to Weight Watchers today.  I will NOT be weighing in.  I know that I haven't lost weight this week, the only thing saving me from not gaining too much weight is that I have had a serious bout with the runny poo, otherwise known as diarrhea.  My poor food choices this week have brought back my serious stomach pains and issues.  I get this a few times a year and it's usually due to stress.  I am definitely stressed with the work load on my plate right now, something I have also been delusional about in the last week, pretending like I have control over it.  I don't.  I think in sync with my stress is the poor food choices from the last week and thus the diarrhea.

I am even more sad to say that I haven't worked out since last Wednesday either.  It's like I gave myself permission to have the week off.  This morning (the reason for my early post), I made myself get out of bed and go swim laps and later today in place of my Weight Watchers meeting I will be walking Greenlake with the magnificent Kate.  Something I think I need far more than my WW meeting.

So, I would first like to apologize for the shit show that was my food life this week and promise to get back on track in the next week so I have something to show for it next week.

This week despite some poor choices has been full of love.  The man showed some good love this week, especially in terms of V-Day and the return of one of my favorite teens (now a young man) from Marine boot camp had definitely put a spring in my step.  It's been great to connect with the people who surround me daily.

The love has been present the last two days with these great people, I have felt some serious grief and longing for my family.  I have been struggling greatly with my grief and it's not been easy.  For those of you who don't know (though I'm not sure how many people are actually reading this that don't know my life), I lost my youngest brother in 2003, almost 10 years ago.  He was 16 when he died and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wake up thinking about him and wishing things were different.  It's hard, really f***ing hard.  I'll leave you with the message I left him yesterday as I struggle to get back on track this week.

'BKS, I love you so much! Losing you has taught me how to love more deeply, how to love unconditionally and how to never let a day pass without telling someone that I love them. I cannot wait until we get to hug again, all I want is to hug you and run my fingers through your crazy head of hair. The way you loved others, constantly pushes me to love outside my comfort zone and to love people regardless of the things they have done. My tears are welling up now just thinking of how losing you has made me a better person. I LOVE you so much!'

 

No more eating, just start moving...

Day 37: Boo-YA Grandma!

It's weigh in day people and the finale of my stickin to the food plan.  I can say with all honesty that the food plan the last 24 hours has gone out the window, well maybe like halfway out.  I stuck to the plan yesterday.  I was supposed to have soup for lunch and then be able to make good choices at staff dinner time.  Instead, I had pork tacos at our favorite bbq place that turned out to be low points for lunch and then I had my soup for dinner.  I ended up ordering lots of delicious pizza for the staff meeting and it took all of my power to not gorge myself on my favorite pizza.  I did allow myself a small slice of my favorite vegetarian pizza.  I cut one of the slices in half and I savored that piece for the rest of the night.  Abstaining from highly fattening food on a regular basis makes you love it that much more when you get to have it.  When I got home from work (which was particularly stressful in how the day ended), I had an eating accident.  I was feeling emotional and instead of climbing in bed or blogging about it, I ate an entire cereal bowl full of doritos.  I don't even particularly like doritos, but damn, they tasted good last night.

Feeling remorse for my accident last night, I got myself up and combated that food accident with cardio!  I got myself to the pool and swam laps and tonight I hit up Greenlake for a brisk walk with my little man and my friend Kate and her pup.  I got my swim on Monday as well and Tuesday morning I took the morning off (yay for self care!!!) and enjoyed the last bit of sunshine for the week with a 2 hour walk through the neighborhoods with Pete.  It was most joyful and tons of vitamin D and positivity was soaked up during those hours.

Today was a different story. I did get up and combat the accident with cardio and then I stuck to the plan for breakfast.  I had a piece of toast and a single egg and my coffee.  I headed straight off to my meeting to get weighed in and then I had to run a few errands and get some important people to the airport.  So, the weigh in, WAS GREAT!!  I will divulge the results in a few, but this moment was such an elation for me that I then decided, very deliberately I might add, to throw the food plan out the window.  Not really the best choice, but it happened.  I consumed trail mix at Target, I then consumed a croissant that my airport patrons purchased me and then I ate my favorite sandwich (the Rajun Cajun) from my favorite sandwich shop.  I then consumed potato chips and two pieces of chocolate before I left work.  Ehhhhh, I was definitely feeling pretty good about myself, which is why I went right ahead and treated myself in every way possible.  We shall see if this comes back to bite me in the big fat ass.  I did an extra cardio session tonight though as I aforementioned and thus in my mind cancelled out part of my days worth of accidents.

The food plan worked though, for the most part in my mind, it worked.  I may continue to "plan" my weeks meals, leaving room for free choice, which I feel is necessary so as to not feel locked down.  When I feel locked down, I just want to break free.  I don't want to be confined to a certain mold and I will do whatever necessary to make sure I don't feel that suffocation of my lack of choice.  But I want more than anything to be free of this weight so that I can do everything I was meant to do in life.  So at this moment, I need to let that win.  I didn't necessarily lose as much weight as I was hoping this week, but I have to keep reminding myself that on the WW plan, you can expect to lose .5-2 pounds a week.  But I've been stepping up the cardio, so I guess that makes my expectations higher.  My cardio isn't super high impact, but it's steady and it ramps up my heart rate.  I'm looking for longevity.  I'm looking for endurance.  Both of these things are what I desire for this journey, so it's a great parallel for my physical activity.  Slow and steady wins the race, right?  I also fear loads of saggy skin, which is a topic for another post, but I fear that if I lose weight too fast, my skin and my body can't keep up (which is what I see when I watch the Biggest Loser, saggy boobs and tummy skin, yuck!).  So I will stick with the tortoise and let the hare wear himself out.  I see the tortoise as a woman and the hare as a man...another topic, maybe.

Here's some topics I have been pondering that you can look forward to in upcoming posts this year....

*Hair and Obesity, or as I like to call it....hair hair everywhere
*Self Control
*Does muscle really weigh more than fat?
*Big boned...a fat persons excuse to stay fat
*Abstaining from bad food doesn't really make you want it less, people lie to themselves to make themselves appear healthier by feeding you all lines of crap like that.

On to the important things....the weigh in....

Current Weight:  276.9
Weight Lost this Week:  1.8
Total Weight Lost:  16.2
Pounds to go:  102.6

BOOOOOO-YAYAYAYAYA  Grandmama!  Soooooo close to being under 100 pounds to lose.  I want that.  I feel success this week!  Exciting things are happening and I'm still eating food because I love it.  That will never stop.

Day 29: Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

Who me?  YES YOU!

It was me, I confess.  The cookies... all the cookies and all the candies that are missing from life right now have probably been eaten by me.  I love Weight Watchers, but when they allow you to eat what you want within your points, sometimes I do just that, I eat what I want.  I eat raw fruits and veggies and then consume the rest of my points in sweets, my most arched nemeses.  I also know that I am an emotional eater, but not necessarily always on the negative emotion side.  I love to 'treat' myself.  When I have worked out once, maybe even twice a day, I feel like I need to have sugar, I NEED to eat treats.  How to get over that?  I'm not sure I'm afraid.  That is something I seek to know, seek to change.  Suggestions?  Anybody dealt with that?  Magic Cure?  I need to figure out how to control that.

I think I need a plan...

I struggle to plan ahead.  I'm pretty good about planning ahead for lunch, I have a shelf in the fridge at work for my food and I know the point value of everything on that shelf.  It's all the other delicious treats and foods that arise in my day that I have a hard time saying 'no' to.  I have my breakfasts planned out as well depending on if I do a morning workout or not and what my time constraints are.  Dinner and "evening time" always get me to.  I love to experiment and cook things for my hunk-a-burnin-love at night and I'm not necessarily even hungry when I eat them, but I made them, so I'm not gonna say no.  EPIPHANY!!  I DON'T SAY NO.  Not really to anything.  I say yes to anyone who needs me, I say yes to any task thrown my way and I say yes to food.  I seek to please, I'm a pleaser.  I don't want to be one to ask for help, I want to be the one in control that other's come to.  I know this, I guess I didn't realize it transcends directly to my food habits as well.  I am constantly busy, I rarely have a night or a moment during the day where I don't have something to do or have something planned or say yes to extra work or commitments.  Because I am constantly on the go, I say YES to food choices I know I should say NO to.  But because I didn't plan ahead for that part of life, I allow myself to cheat, to make bad choices and to ultimately quit.  I say things like "I just go too busy".  Taking care of myself physically just goes to the back burner so I can please others and step up and be the BEST at everything.

This is what needs to be different....I need to plan and to say NO.  I need to know my limitations, to set goals, to set boundaries and seek to complete those to the best of my abilities.  So much easier said than done.  I want the best for my life and for myself, so I work myself to be the bone, so I can have more so I can be more in this life.  But I won't be able to enjoy it if I don't say NO to myself.  I need to say NO, when I want to get 'too busy'.  Let's be honest, when am I not busy, never.  I feel like I constantly wait for life to slow down, for the busy "season" of the year to pass me by and then I realize it never comes.

So tomorrow is weigh in day.  I am nervous, as I will always be on weigh in day.  But the cookie monster in me and my self-treating is what I'm worried about on the scale.  I have swam laps the last two mornings and walked on top of that.  I'm gonna hit the pool again tomorrow before I weigh in, hoping my body doesn't absorb too much water before weigh in.

Goal for this week is to plan.  Plan out my meals and snacks for the next week.  To eat ONLY the things I plan, to say NO to all the extras.  Tomorrow's weigh in post will include my weeks worth of meals for all of you.  I want to be accountable to what I plan, so I will then post at the end of the week what I actually ate.  This could prove to be difficult as the SuperBowl is Sunday and I am making food for my man's friends that are coming to watch at our place.  I aim to impress with my food, so I will need some limitations on myself for that day.

Working on control this week, self-control...