Day 101: Oh brother, where art thou

I've never seen that movie, but I do like me some George Clooney and I constantly ask where my brother is, why isn't he here?  I have been struggling...I wish that weren't the case.  I wish I had lots of funny anecdotes for you and stories about me peeing on towels in my bedroom.  Ok, that did happen, but I will have to give the story at another time, something for you to look forward to I'm sure.

I've been struggling, I've been sabotaging and I've been avoiding you.  I've been avoiding being honest with myself, with my failures and my setbacks.  I've been avoiding admitting to myself that I allow grief and stress to take me over, to take over my new healthy habits and my new routine.  Sadly, my old routine has taken over, not to the most extreme extent, but bad enough.  I feel stagnant, I feel stuck.  I wish I could say I don't want to eat crap, but right now, I do.  I need to WANT to stop sabotaging, to stop struggling.

I lost my brother 9 years ago this last Tuesday, I live in the grief and anguish of that reality every day of my life.  At times my grief overwhelms me, it causes me to fall down and not want to get back up.  I'm there right now.  I've fallen, I don't want to get back up.  Why?  Why should I?  More than anything I want to be pain free, I want to live a life free of all pain and sadness.  But I know that life doesn't exist here on earth, so what do I do?  I get up.  I have to, even if I don't want to.

Death is senseless at times, my brother's death was senseless, my friend's baby's death was senseless, my friends fathers death was senseless...there are so many examples of senseless death in this life.  God doesn't cause death, he doesn't want babies to die, he doesn't want sons, daughter, brothers, sisters, mothers or fathers to die.  He wants life, He gave us life.  I heard an amazing message this Easter Sunday.  The message was that the resurrection doesn't change the circumstances in our lives, it changes how we view the circumstances in our lives.  Bad things will continue to happen to good people, death will continue to happen, however senseless and unfair it may seem.  But that is not the end.  The worst thing that happened is never the last thing....  There is always something beyond the evil and the unjust.  You may never know how far off that thing is, but it's there.  You may continue to wail, to grieve, to curse, to fight, to ask why? for what seems like eternity...and you will never be alone in that.  I know that I am not alone in those times.  No amount of good things that happen will every completely wash away those wails, that grief, those questions.  My father describes it as a hole that is shaped like my brother, that now forever lives in our hearts.  Nothing can fill it, because nothing is my brother.  We seek to appease the hole with memories, by making choices and doing things in life that are characteristic of my brother, that are him.  The hole never fills...it just hurts less as our heart uses those around us to heal the edges of that hole, until we are "comfortable" living with it.

I'm struggling.  I've gained weight.  I want to get back up.  I want to.  I will.

I was hoping again to be a much different place at this point, but I'm not.  I have the ability to do all things under the sun, I have the ability to do this.  I will.  Have faith in me.  I need faith in myself.

Pain is hard, grief is hard...it causes us to wallow, to get lost.  Thank you to all of you who have loved me harder this week in the midst of my pain, you help heal the sides of my Bret Kyle sized hole.  Thank you for loving me, for loving him if you do.

The love of friends, the love of family, the love of my beloved Keystoners, my five new summer dresses and my two new pair of neon Nike's...it's gonna get me out of bed tomorrow.  It's going to help me start walking again, to start swimming again and to start eating well again.

I need to live the life Bret Kyle didn't get to.  I need to be Brave.  I will, I promise you, I will.

Day 44: At WW, we say "only track on the days you want to lose weight"

This early morning blog post is brought to you by the letters S-H-A-M-E.

Yup, that's right, shame.  I feel ashamed for how this last week has gone.  After my glorious weigh in last week I became completely delusional.  I told myself I had it under control, but boy was I wrong.  I haven't "tracked" once in the last week, well not honestly anyway.  If my tracking isn't honest, then what's the point really, it's not going to do me any good.  I am also sorry to say that I made really good excuses for my poor food choice and got to the point where I was just like F*** it, I'm gonna eat this.  Thus sabatoging myself.

This is another form of Alison that I hate.  She's really good and self-sabatoge and when she isn't in good communication with her support system, she allows herself to fail.  So, as a result of my S-H-A-M-E, I am NOT going to Weight Watchers today.  I will NOT be weighing in.  I know that I haven't lost weight this week, the only thing saving me from not gaining too much weight is that I have had a serious bout with the runny poo, otherwise known as diarrhea.  My poor food choices this week have brought back my serious stomach pains and issues.  I get this a few times a year and it's usually due to stress.  I am definitely stressed with the work load on my plate right now, something I have also been delusional about in the last week, pretending like I have control over it.  I don't.  I think in sync with my stress is the poor food choices from the last week and thus the diarrhea.

I am even more sad to say that I haven't worked out since last Wednesday either.  It's like I gave myself permission to have the week off.  This morning (the reason for my early post), I made myself get out of bed and go swim laps and later today in place of my Weight Watchers meeting I will be walking Greenlake with the magnificent Kate.  Something I think I need far more than my WW meeting.

So, I would first like to apologize for the shit show that was my food life this week and promise to get back on track in the next week so I have something to show for it next week.

This week despite some poor choices has been full of love.  The man showed some good love this week, especially in terms of V-Day and the return of one of my favorite teens (now a young man) from Marine boot camp had definitely put a spring in my step.  It's been great to connect with the people who surround me daily.

The love has been present the last two days with these great people, I have felt some serious grief and longing for my family.  I have been struggling greatly with my grief and it's not been easy.  For those of you who don't know (though I'm not sure how many people are actually reading this that don't know my life), I lost my youngest brother in 2003, almost 10 years ago.  He was 16 when he died and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wake up thinking about him and wishing things were different.  It's hard, really f***ing hard.  I'll leave you with the message I left him yesterday as I struggle to get back on track this week.

'BKS, I love you so much! Losing you has taught me how to love more deeply, how to love unconditionally and how to never let a day pass without telling someone that I love them. I cannot wait until we get to hug again, all I want is to hug you and run my fingers through your crazy head of hair. The way you loved others, constantly pushes me to love outside my comfort zone and to love people regardless of the things they have done. My tears are welling up now just thinking of how losing you has made me a better person. I LOVE you so much!'

 

No more eating, just start moving...