Day 101: Oh brother, where art thou

I've never seen that movie, but I do like me some George Clooney and I constantly ask where my brother is, why isn't he here?  I have been struggling...I wish that weren't the case.  I wish I had lots of funny anecdotes for you and stories about me peeing on towels in my bedroom.  Ok, that did happen, but I will have to give the story at another time, something for you to look forward to I'm sure.

I've been struggling, I've been sabotaging and I've been avoiding you.  I've been avoiding being honest with myself, with my failures and my setbacks.  I've been avoiding admitting to myself that I allow grief and stress to take me over, to take over my new healthy habits and my new routine.  Sadly, my old routine has taken over, not to the most extreme extent, but bad enough.  I feel stagnant, I feel stuck.  I wish I could say I don't want to eat crap, but right now, I do.  I need to WANT to stop sabotaging, to stop struggling.

I lost my brother 9 years ago this last Tuesday, I live in the grief and anguish of that reality every day of my life.  At times my grief overwhelms me, it causes me to fall down and not want to get back up.  I'm there right now.  I've fallen, I don't want to get back up.  Why?  Why should I?  More than anything I want to be pain free, I want to live a life free of all pain and sadness.  But I know that life doesn't exist here on earth, so what do I do?  I get up.  I have to, even if I don't want to.

Death is senseless at times, my brother's death was senseless, my friend's baby's death was senseless, my friends fathers death was senseless...there are so many examples of senseless death in this life.  God doesn't cause death, he doesn't want babies to die, he doesn't want sons, daughter, brothers, sisters, mothers or fathers to die.  He wants life, He gave us life.  I heard an amazing message this Easter Sunday.  The message was that the resurrection doesn't change the circumstances in our lives, it changes how we view the circumstances in our lives.  Bad things will continue to happen to good people, death will continue to happen, however senseless and unfair it may seem.  But that is not the end.  The worst thing that happened is never the last thing....  There is always something beyond the evil and the unjust.  You may never know how far off that thing is, but it's there.  You may continue to wail, to grieve, to curse, to fight, to ask why? for what seems like eternity...and you will never be alone in that.  I know that I am not alone in those times.  No amount of good things that happen will every completely wash away those wails, that grief, those questions.  My father describes it as a hole that is shaped like my brother, that now forever lives in our hearts.  Nothing can fill it, because nothing is my brother.  We seek to appease the hole with memories, by making choices and doing things in life that are characteristic of my brother, that are him.  The hole never fills...it just hurts less as our heart uses those around us to heal the edges of that hole, until we are "comfortable" living with it.

I'm struggling.  I've gained weight.  I want to get back up.  I want to.  I will.

I was hoping again to be a much different place at this point, but I'm not.  I have the ability to do all things under the sun, I have the ability to do this.  I will.  Have faith in me.  I need faith in myself.

Pain is hard, grief is hard...it causes us to wallow, to get lost.  Thank you to all of you who have loved me harder this week in the midst of my pain, you help heal the sides of my Bret Kyle sized hole.  Thank you for loving me, for loving him if you do.

The love of friends, the love of family, the love of my beloved Keystoners, my five new summer dresses and my two new pair of neon Nike's...it's gonna get me out of bed tomorrow.  It's going to help me start walking again, to start swimming again and to start eating well again.

I need to live the life Bret Kyle didn't get to.  I need to be Brave.  I will, I promise you, I will.

Day 90: Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Is that how you feel?  Have you missed me the past 13 days?  We passed the entire 80s in terms of days and went straight to 90.  Wow.  3 months have passed since the journey began and I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be, but thankfully, that was to be expected and I will take that for what it is and continue moving forward.  I know you all expected more from me and I expected more from myself at this point, but so much life has happened and that is the reality of this journey.  It's fricking hard!

Proud to report that the man and I did pretty good while we were gone.  We didn't OVER-indulge, but we did indulge a bit.  We did quite a bit of walking, but no "official" work outs were had as there wasn't time for them.  I slept a total of about 24 hours over the course of the 6 day trip and it was emotional and amazing at the same time.  I was so proud of my teens and all they put into the trip.  They were engaged and set an amazing precedent for their peers and their leadership was something I was very proud of.  I was definitely intaking a lot of caffeine in those 6 days as I predicted and I haven't come back down off of that intake level...yet.  My goal this week is to step back up my water intake and get back on track with working out.

I arrived back in town around midnight on Monday and spent the rest of the week trying to catch up from being gone.  It was a long week and I didn't get any extra sleep or extra time off, I went right back to work to get stuff done.  Took a few things off my list which felt good, but eating this week took a dive.  I didn't weigh in, I didn't make it to weight watchers and I didn't do a single workout.  Ugh.  I need to make myself a priority again.  I need to focus on focus on what I'm doing and turn the focus back on my body and my health.  I haven't given up, though I've been absent from the blog, so don't give up on me!  I need a plan for the next few weeks before I have to leave again.  I have exactly 14 days before I leave on another trip with kids where I will be set up to eat horribly once again.  So, it will be up to ME and ME ALONE to get myself on track before I leave so that the clothes I want to wear will fit while on the trip and so that my fat ass will fit on all the rides I want to go on with my kids.  This too will prove to be a week where there will be small amounts of sleep and lots of caffeine will be needed to stay functional.  I will need to hydrate and workout like a crazy woman in these next 14 days so that I can give myself a head start on this difficult week.

The emotional ride of my life has not stopped since my last post.  I have encountered more deep pain, grief and joy in the last two weeks.  I had the experiences I spoke of in my last post before I left on our trip.  There was more to follow. The emotions expressed and the experiences that were had in those 6 days were tremendous and they made my deep love for my teens grow even deeper if that is possible.  I was given the top honor at this BGCA teen conference.  I was named the Boys & Girls Clubs of America National Keystone Advisor of the Year.  This is a huge deal and not something I ever expected would happen to me.  I feel so incredibly blessed and share this award with my teens.  It truly is because of them that I get out of bed every day and the reason I work as hard as I do.  This was like someone giving me an award that says I do the best job and loving my teens and doing so much for them.  I would do it anyway, but the award felt amazing and I have spent the week reeling in the excitement.  It was a huge deal not only for me, but for our Club and for our County.  I feel so blessed to able to share this with them.

So because I'm awesome, I ate.  You all know how much I love to eat to celebrate myself.  I celebrated by eating all of my favorite foods this week.  All the more reason for me to get back on track.  I got back from this trip, spent the week working, catered a bridal shower yesterday and didn't really get any good rest or time to contemplate life until today.  We are headed into one of the busiest weeks we have a work, REGISTRATION for summer and school year.  Ahhhhh!  Crazy parents are on the rise and A LOT of organization and input into the computer.

All this aside, I need to focus on fruits, veggies, proteins, water and workouts.  I will be doing just that and looking for some support and inspiration.  So if you are on my workout list, we are ON this week.  My goal is do mainly cardio walking though. I don't know that I have funding or the time to get to the pool, so I will be walking as much as possible and throwing in some small weights and abs at home.

I hope to have some numbers to report next week....until then, revel in the glory of my shiny plaque.  I am normally fairly humble and have been caught off guard by the overwhelming excitement and accolades I have received from this award.  But damn it, I'm proud and if I was going to pat myself on the back, this would be the place.

Wishing my plaque came with magical weight loss pills....but it didn't.  Back to the journey...back to the grind.

Day 68: A fat girls plight

I've gotten over my tantrum from Wednesday's 3 pound weight gain.  I think there are a lot of factors that contributed to that weight gain and I'm hoping to see all of those reasons flushed out before next Wednesday.  I'm not giving up my new water regimen and I can't help when my monthly friend comes to visit.  So I'm assuming that my body was holding on to lots of liquid.  I already feel better and like my body has let go of some of this water weight.  I've been sticking to the workout routine.  Swam and walked my ass off this week with lots of awesome accountability worker outers. This is a shout out and a thank you to all of you who are helping me with this and supporting me on a daily basis.

Plight....what is a plight?...."A dangerous, difficult or otherwise unfortunate situation".  Some definite unfortunate situations have happened in some of my friends lives lately and I look at my own life and have definitely had my fair share of 'plights'.  The one I am referring to in this post though is the fat girls plight, which inevitably is what keeps fat girls fat and is the definition of low self esteem and self worth.  Putting ourselves in situations where we think we are being accepted and supported. But what turns out to be is that this man or this "good friend" who wants something from us. That in itself is the definition of the fat girls plight, choosing to be used and abused because you seek acceptance and love.

You may still be wondering...what is the fat girls plight?  Well, if you are fat or have every been fat you will understand this.  Not to say that people who are skinny won't understand, but I feel this as a fat girl.  I know that this applies to anyone who don't fit the "norm", but again, I feel it as a fat girl.  The world has taught me and the world has shown me, that who I am is "not ok".  That no one will ever love me romantically if I'm overweight, that nobody ways to marry a fat girl.  So much of my life has been spent trying to lose weight, trying to make myself 'acceptable' to society.  I spent a lot of middle school and high school being treated like a fat girl, though I would give anything to be that weight again.  But my peers didn't see me that way, I was fat compared to them.  Having a "crush" was crazy, so crazy that even if I had one (and I definitely did), I couldn't tell anyone about it.  Why?  Because they would look at me crazy and let me know non verbally that I didn't stand a chance, why?, because I was fat and unpopular.  I needed to accept my place at the bottom of the barrel.  I finally got to a place in life, where I realized how much I was worth, regardless of how big or small I was.  I am so thankful that I know my worth, that I know who I am inside and out and that this time my journey is seeking to live a longer life.  

I have self worth, I love myself and I know who I am...for the most part.  I have had some other great conversations with another great woman in my life, where we have pondered over the way we are raised as women.  That even though we love ourselves and we know our worth, we still are raised to assume the worst out of men.  That they are only out to hurt us and that we should question every move they make.  As a fat girl, I feel this even more so.  There were numerous times in my life where I was led to believe I had a friend or that someone might actually like me, but it was all a sham and it was rubbed in my face.  Basically telling me that I was fool to believe that I was worth someone else's time or that they had any interest in me as a person.  All they really wanted was to use me for one reason or another.  And the more you are used and abused, the more you believe all that shit you are told.  Fat girls are notoriously those girls with low self esteem, those who are constantly seeking acceptance.  So they allow others to use and abuse them because they want to be accepted, even just for a minute.  They usually don't realize until too late that it's a sham and thus perpetuates who they are.  It's a vicious cycle that for a lot of the girls, leads to eating and more eating and staying fat.  That was me....middle school....high school....and even college.  I am willing to bet there are a million women who have lived the fat girls plight and many who are still living it today.  

I have a man who loves me, a man who chose me at my heaviest.  Yet there are still days where my fat girl gets the best of me and she looks at him and asks on the inside 'why is he with me?', 'is he going to cheat on me when he finds someone skinnier?' and a million other horrible questions.  Why are we raised to believe we aren't good enough?  Why are we raised to believe that every man will cheat on us?  Why?  Because we have seen so many good men who are married to or committed to amazing women...who have cheated.  That's when your fat girl plight takes over, and says, "well if she can't keep her man, how do I even have a chance."  

I know all of this may seem crazy, but it's what I've been thinking about lately.  I do have a man, a man who loves me.  A man who encourages me when I'm working on being healthy and a man who will eat with me when I want to eat.  He has never made me feel fat, he makes me feel beautiful.  I'm gonna go with that, I'm gonna believe in that.

I want all of you to find a place of self-worth, a place where you love yourself no matter what.  A place where you believe in what is good and right and a place where you seek to love others, not judge others.  Love the people in your life regardless of their weight, race, religion, sex or personal choices.  Love people for who they are.

Day 58: We're the worlds most fearsome fighting team - TurtlePower!!!

I love the ninja turtles.  I love the ninja turtle cartoons and I was IN LOVE when the real life movie series came out.  My brothers and I were addicted to those movies and I love seeing younger generations connect with those movies and see how amazingly awesome turtles with ninja skills are.  I'm in the process of gathering my own 'fearsome fighting team', though we aren't using our ninja skills to fight anyone, but they are going to be my fearsome fighting cardio accountability.  Something I've realized in these past few weeks as this months workout calendar has a lot more X days than last months calendar is that I will use any excuse to not get to my cardio.  But if I have someone who is holding me accountable, who is meeting me at my cardio destination, I WILL SHOW UP!  Why?  Maybe not always because I want to be there, but I don't want to let other people down and I don't want to disappoint.  So, my new cardio schedule is as follows, if you are interested in adding yourself into one of the blank spaces I will gladly accept you as part of the FFT (fearsome fighting team) as we so desperately fight for my health and my weight loss journey...

Monday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6-6:30AM with _____________
Tuesday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6:45-7:30AM with _____________
Wednesday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6-6:30AM with KATE!
Wednesday:  Walk anytime between 11am-2pm with ____________
Thursday:  Walk from 10-11AM with KATE!
Friday:  Swim @ Ballard Pool from 6:45-7:30AM with _____________
Sunday:  Walk anytime between 11am-2pm with ______________

I'm really excited to see who is going to fill in my blanks!  I really feel like accountability is something I NEED, so if you become part of my FFT, you have to be ready to bring it and ride my ass if I slack off.

There's no doubt that it's been a rough couple of weeks for me and not just with food, but with my emotions, with my health and with my stress level.  I did a semi-cleanse to get myself back on track and have been dealing with a lot of emotional issues with people that have been dragging me away from taking care of me.  I know for sure that in the first two weeks after my last weigh in, I GAINED weight and I wasn't willing to step on the scale and admit it to myself.  I hid behind my stress and my emotions instead and I ate some of them.  I did the semi-cleanse and I got my ass back to Weight Watchers this week and I have been trying my hardest to get myself headed in the right direction with some poking and proding from others.  I made a priorities list in the three areas of my life that cause me the most stress, my jobs!  I made a list of things that needed to get done and things on those lists that I could ask for help from others on.  I need to refine the list a bit and then comes the hard part...asking for help.  Not one of my strong suits.  You see, I can do everything.  I AM WONDERWOMAN.  I have the costume to prove it.  My brain and my heart constantly are telling me that I can do everything and that I need to do as much as possible to get people to trust me and to like me and so that I can feel successful.  My body doesn't always agree.  I also know that those things aren't true.  I do love to be in control of things, because my way is the better way and I can always get things done faster myself rather than showing someone else how to do it.  But....then where does that leave me....FAT....TIRED....CRYING....EXHAUSTED.....SICK....STRESSED and about a million other things.  I have also realized as life progresses that I'm not helping others grow or be successful if I'm not teaching or showing them how to do more.  The worst part about me is thought that people CONSTANTLY OFFER TO HELP ME and I turn them down.  I'm a sick and twisted individual.

I have been suprised lately though at where my support in this journey is coming from.  My expectations were that my close friends, people I saw everyday or spoke to on a regular basis would be the people that follow my blog and seek to support me.  That has been true in some instancesa (and I love those people for that), or there has been some initial interest and then they have fallen off or have their own things going on.  A good amount of my feedback and written support though has been from people who are not in close proximity to me, people from my past or who live far off.  If you are one of those people, THANKS!  I really appreciate your words and the encourgement I get to keep going with this whole journey.  I hope that the further I get into this the more serious I will take myself and the more serious the people who directly surround me will be to me.  I realize that in the past I have claimed a lot of things, claimed to be making a change and then fallen off the wagon a month or two in.  So maybe I have something to prove to these people, but more importantly to myself.

I wish I had some funny stories for you, but there has been no pooping in the woods lately.  I have had more 'accidents' than I can count, lots of them involving girl scout cookies and cadbury eggs.  Easter candy is my #1 WEAKNESS in the candy world.  Lots of people think cadbury eggs are gross, you know the ones that have the gooey candy in the middle that looks like an egg yolk.  I FRICKIN LOVE THOSE THINGS!  I found a co-worker that also has and affinity for them and together we could eat our way through the cadbury egg factory.  I have no doubt.

I am happy to announce that after a shitty couple weeks and then some recovery time, I have MAINTAINED my weight.  Which I couldn't be happier about.  I most definitely gained weight, but in not weighing myself I didn't have to actually see the scale go up.  So...numbers are

Day 1

Day 58

Day 30

Day 52: Rock bottom seems only one bad trip away...

Now I haven't actually fallen down, my limbs are all still working and I'm still standing and in one place.  Well, I'm actually sitting right now, but you get the idea.  As previously stated, it's been a rough week or two in terms of food and how I feel about it.  Was home Sunday, left early Monday to get back for a catering job on Monday night.  Made a delightful meal of Salmon, Carmelized Onion and Spinach Pilaf, Grilled Veggies and French Bread.  The event was great and I treated myself to a Dick's cheeseburger and milkshake afterwards, bad choice, I know.  Today I catered a gourmet taco bar luncheon and made some amazing 4 hour beans, mexican rice, shredded beef, shredded chicken, ground turkey and brownies.  Found my new favorite pulled beef recipe, which I'm sure would translate well with pork as well.  I have leftovers that my peeps at work will be enjoying tomorrow!

Tuesday morning started a new round of the Masters Cleanse.  I welcomed it this time, considered the lemony goodness a refreshing friend.  I have had my issues this week with it.  I am on day 3 of the cleanse and have done pretty well sticking with it.  I have eaten a few things and have "tested" the food I made for a catering job I had today as well.  I do have to try it though, I'm not going to serve something to someone that I'm not positive tastes amazing.  My body is riding itself of all of the crap I have eaten in the last two weeks.  I wish there was a better way for me to get back on track.  Or better yet, a better way to stay on track in the first place, but that is still a mystery to me.  It's crazy how I love being in control of other things in my life, but I allow food and eating to be the out of control part of my life.

Control hasn't been something I've had lately though.  I've been exhausted and overloaded.  A series of events with people at work have added a boat load of extra stress on my plate the last few months and it's finally taking it's toll on me.  My business is ramping up, which is great and I've been loving all of the referrals and work I've been getting, but the work has to be done after my other jobs, which means late nights for this girl.  We also have two units open right now and it's a lot of work to show them and get them ready to rent and I have that on top of the other two jobs has brought me crashing down.  I lost control of my emotions last night at about 12 am as I shredded chicken by hand for my luncheon today.  I sobbed and the man rubbed my back and told me it was ok.  I want a better life, I want things later in life and I know that in order to get there I need to work as hard as possible now.  But at times I can't handle it, let's be honest, I can't handle most of what I take on, but I just pretend that I can.  I then become stressed out beyond belief and I end up crying over shredded chicken.

I weighed in on Wednesday morning, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but I'd rather wait until the end of this cleanse before I post my official weight.  Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm still struggling.  I need to get fully under control before I can post that I'm headed in any direction.

I have reached out to some great sources for help and am on the road to being back.  I need rest, I need some direction and I need to keep moving.  The one thing I have kept up with is working out.  Swimming laps like a champ, poor little Pete hasn't been on a walk in the last few days, but he will soon.

There are so many things I want to do in this life and it has become clear that I don't have the ability to do all of those things they way that I am trying to do them, ALL AT ONCE.  I need assistance.  I know exactly who I need to assist me and I'm waiting on that person, also a family member :).  I have a good feeling about it and am beyond elated that we have the ability to take this journey together.  I have also been so inspired lately by the hard work that people around me are putting into their lives.  It has been so inspiring to see people quitting bad habits and working on healing from past hurts.  I am inspired to keep going and all the love and support of those around me only makes that easier.

I love the people in my life and I love how they love me.  I feel like I'm headed toward a life transition, not sure what or where, but something is going to be different.  Hopefully it's my fat, hoping it's had enough of me and wants to be melted away.  I wish someone could throw water on me and my fat would instantly melt off, like the wicked witch.  But I don't want my face to melt off too, so I'll be content being the fat witch right now, slowly working my way towards a combination of the good witch and the healthy witch.  Yellow brick road, here I come!

Day 44: At WW, we say "only track on the days you want to lose weight"

This early morning blog post is brought to you by the letters S-H-A-M-E.

Yup, that's right, shame.  I feel ashamed for how this last week has gone.  After my glorious weigh in last week I became completely delusional.  I told myself I had it under control, but boy was I wrong.  I haven't "tracked" once in the last week, well not honestly anyway.  If my tracking isn't honest, then what's the point really, it's not going to do me any good.  I am also sorry to say that I made really good excuses for my poor food choice and got to the point where I was just like F*** it, I'm gonna eat this.  Thus sabatoging myself.

This is another form of Alison that I hate.  She's really good and self-sabatoge and when she isn't in good communication with her support system, she allows herself to fail.  So, as a result of my S-H-A-M-E, I am NOT going to Weight Watchers today.  I will NOT be weighing in.  I know that I haven't lost weight this week, the only thing saving me from not gaining too much weight is that I have had a serious bout with the runny poo, otherwise known as diarrhea.  My poor food choices this week have brought back my serious stomach pains and issues.  I get this a few times a year and it's usually due to stress.  I am definitely stressed with the work load on my plate right now, something I have also been delusional about in the last week, pretending like I have control over it.  I don't.  I think in sync with my stress is the poor food choices from the last week and thus the diarrhea.

I am even more sad to say that I haven't worked out since last Wednesday either.  It's like I gave myself permission to have the week off.  This morning (the reason for my early post), I made myself get out of bed and go swim laps and later today in place of my Weight Watchers meeting I will be walking Greenlake with the magnificent Kate.  Something I think I need far more than my WW meeting.

So, I would first like to apologize for the shit show that was my food life this week and promise to get back on track in the next week so I have something to show for it next week.

This week despite some poor choices has been full of love.  The man showed some good love this week, especially in terms of V-Day and the return of one of my favorite teens (now a young man) from Marine boot camp had definitely put a spring in my step.  It's been great to connect with the people who surround me daily.

The love has been present the last two days with these great people, I have felt some serious grief and longing for my family.  I have been struggling greatly with my grief and it's not been easy.  For those of you who don't know (though I'm not sure how many people are actually reading this that don't know my life), I lost my youngest brother in 2003, almost 10 years ago.  He was 16 when he died and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wake up thinking about him and wishing things were different.  It's hard, really f***ing hard.  I'll leave you with the message I left him yesterday as I struggle to get back on track this week.

'BKS, I love you so much! Losing you has taught me how to love more deeply, how to love unconditionally and how to never let a day pass without telling someone that I love them. I cannot wait until we get to hug again, all I want is to hug you and run my fingers through your crazy head of hair. The way you loved others, constantly pushes me to love outside my comfort zone and to love people regardless of the things they have done. My tears are welling up now just thinking of how losing you has made me a better person. I LOVE you so much!'

 

No more eating, just start moving...

Day 41: No longer a virgin

Of college mens basketball....live and in person.

Ha!  I ventured on a trip this weekend my friends, which was a much needed break for my life and thus caused a 4 day break in blogging.  I did attend my very first college basketball game and it was glorious!  My amazing friend Noelle is from Oregon, she is a die hard Duck fan and I love that about her.  I am a die hard lover of the state of Oregon.  My allegiances lie in the coast of Oregon, specifically the area between Tillamook and Depoe Bay.  If I could get rich quick, I would move to Lincoln City, OR and live there for the rest of my days, no doubt about that.  You can ask anyone else in my family and they'd tell you the exact same thing.  Though we'd visit our cabin in Wallowa Lake a few times a year.  So, my beautiful friend Noelle has been exposing me to the other great cities that are within the state of Oregon.  First Medford and now Eugene.  She has a great family friend that works for the U of O and not only did we get to attend the Ducks vs. WSU game on Saturday afternoon, but I got to watch the Ducks beat the Cougs front and center behind the Duck bench.  It was A-MAZE-ING!!  That arena is unbelievable!!  I felt very lucky to be blessed to get that 'first time' experience.  I completed my experience with a souvenir cup and a U of O sweatshirt for my ridiculously large sweatshirt collection.

This weekend brought back for me some ugly versions of myself that I would like to forget, none of them having to do with my food choices, but everything to do with why I got the way I was in the first place.  I had an interaction with someone who is a complete stranger to me this weekend, and I allowed that person to make me feel like I was nobody.  I spent the majority of my high school career feeling like I was nobody.  I was the fat girl that no one wanted to invest their time in.  I was quiet, timid and afraid of who I had the ability to be.  So, I kept my mouth shut (of course unless their was food going in it).  I allowed others to dictate to my life, to walk all over me and to basically use me and abuse me.  It was horrible.  I had a saving grace in the handful of friends I had that went to my church and also to my school, that loved me for me, but even then, one of those people often found it easy to toss me to the wayside.  I know that some of you who read this blog went to my high school and some of you were those church friends.  Know that I was really good at faking my happiness in high school when I was really screaming on the inside, wondering why people wouldn't accept me and include me, mostly because I was fat and unpopular.  I look back now and wish that I was as thin as I was in high school, but I didn't fit the mold then and I don't fit the "mold" now.  I wanted desperately to be athletic, to be accepted, but finding that there were a lot of bitches and jerk offs that went to my high school and they loved people who were exactly like them and treated those people well and treated me like I was invisible.  I have forgiven all of those people and all of those hurt feelings and moved on and I have become a different person.  I have become someone who loves myself and doesn't give two shits anymore about what "those" people think.  Nonetheless I allowed myself to be taken back to the ugly place this weekend.  I was in a room with four people, one being me and the other three being people who loved each other dearly as family, had a deep rooted history with each other and who don't get to see each other often.  They were in their world and I was a bystander.  One of them said something to me that made me feel like I was unwanted, that I was needing to be put in my place, which wasn't with them.  The actions were not malicious and I was mostly frustrated with the fact that I allowed myself to feel that way and to be put into that position.  I was in a place where I knew I was loved and protected, yet I was hurt.  How could this be?  It was no ones fault really, the person who was speaking didn't know they had hurt me and they definitely didn't do it on purpose and yet I instantly went inside myself.  I haven't been inside myself like that in a while.  I felt like I needed to hide until I could be alone with myself and slowly emerge back into my normal self.  I know that I didn't like what I saw when I went that far back.  I don't like that Alison, she is meek and doesn't know the potential she has.  I love the Alison I am now, bold and doesn't fear situations that are uncomfortable.  I was caught off guard this weekend, not by someones remarks, but by myself.  In looking back, I realize that there may be parts of my former self that I have not yet conquered or recovered from and that during this journey I may need to process and have the potential to bite me in the big fat ass.  I was able to process this interaction with a dear friend and feel like I am moving in a direction that will help me prevent this in the future.  But it's a process.  Hurtful memories that shape us and unfortunately mold us can be forgiven, but are never forgotten.  A great conversation with a great woman brought me to the realization this weekend.

This last Wednesday was a great day for my weight loss journey and my week didn't necessarily go up from there, I feel some definite regression in terms of food choices the last 4 days.  Thursday was a 5:30am day and I didn't get home until 8:30pm.  A lot of time to make bad choices as I hadn't packed a lick of food to take with me and I was going to be eating all of my meals out for the day.  There was a big event for Boys & Girls Club and I was escorting our amazing Youth of the Year around for the day.  I got myself my favorite breakfast (eggs benedict), a latte, a turkey croissant sandwich, multiple mini desserts and then carne asada at my favorite Thursday night dinner spot with my favorite people.  Not a horrible day, but definitely not a great day.  There was also no time for a workout or a walk, unless you count walking around most of the day in 5 inch heels a workout.  I did sweat a bit, but I was feeling great about how I looked in my little bronze silk belted number.  Not as great as I'll look about 6 months from now, but definitely better than I looked a month ago.  Friday was another early day...I did get to sleep later than 6am, but I had TONS of errands to run.  I did Costco, Starbucks, lunch with kids, home for 3 hours to show our open units to about 6 different people and then back to the Club for another 5 hours to finish up the work day and close up after basketball was over.  It was looooong day.  I had a latte, bagel thin with peanut butter, subway sandwich for lunch, wheat thins for snack and then I caved and stopped at Dick's on the way home from work at 9pm for 2 cheeseburgers and a fry.  DAMN!!!!!!! Why are there burgers so good and sooooooo tempting after 9pm.  I truly believe that the reason I don't like to be out after dinner time is because I'm temped by there being a Dick's around every corner in my life and how much I love that greasy goodness.  A serious low point in this journey for me so far and I had instant remorse once I had ingested it all in a matter of minutes.  I was seriously so hungry though and instead of getting home to do a quick meal at home that would have been 20 times healthier for me, I went for the quick fix.

This weekend was a tad bit better for me.  The weekend itself was amazing and was definitely something I needed, but again, got me no where with my cardio.  I spent a lot of time sitting and a tad bit of time eating.  I definitely didn't snack at all this weekend, which was good, besides some red vines and a diet coke at the Duck game.  But I felt pretty tame in my meal choices, didn't overstuff myself.  Let's take a moment and celebrate that.....IT'S BEEN A MONTH AND A HALF SINCE I FED MYSELF SOOOO MUCH THAT I WANTED TO PUKE.  I have been so very successful in breaking that habit thus far because I know how crappy it makes me feel.

So, I feel like this week will be a good week to get back on my food planning and I actually found another "cleanse" type program that I want to try this week.  Thankfully it involves food, but it's very clean and actually is called the "2 day cleanse to looking better naked" or something like that.  Let's be honest, who doesn't want to look better naked?  Now I don't think that a 2 day cleanse is the answer to my fat naked body, more like a 200 day cleanse to naked body I can stand to look at sounds more up my alley.  I will say that I love looking in the mirror when I'm naked in my own bathroom.  It may be that the mirror in my bathroom only shows me from the clavicle up, and I would have to stand on the bathtub to get a full view, not something I choose to do, that's for sure.  But my shoulders and head I enjoy in this naked state.  So, this cleanse is supposed to be for 2 days, but my plan is to do it for 4-5 days this week.  I of course will let you know how it goes.

For now....I need to stop eating and focus on some better food...