Day 185: Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....

My body is an distorted hideous and unloveable shape right now. I'm bloated and fat again in all the wrong places.  This statement is why you haven't heard from me in 67 days.  How do I live with myself?  How do I continue to fail?  How do I let my emotions send me into a tailspin and then convince myself that I should just stay down for awhile instead of fighting my way back up?

Disappointment.  I had a quick conviction and went on a "no-carb" for 30 days stint.  I made it a few weeks and did pretty well, but then I left myself go.  I gave myself reasons to say YES to every request that came my way, to every food ritual invite, to every extra hour of work and in turn gave my emotions and my brain the NO.  No I won't take care of you, no I won't get enough sleep, no I will not work out, no I will not heed your cry to stop consuming the copious amounts of carbs, sugar and caffeine I dumped into my body.  So with my disappointment in myself came embarrassment and then retreat.  I retreated from this blog, from my WW meetings, from my accountability and from my schedule of all things healthy.

I don't know what to say, I know I don't need to apologize to bloggerville, but I need to apologize to myself.  The only person I hurt in my failures is myself.  My friends still love me, my man still holds me and no one has disowned me or told me what a fat disgusting pig I have become.  I'm the only one who wants to disown me and call myself those nasty names.  So...I'm sorry Alison.  I'm sorry I let you down.  I'm sorry that in your 31st year of life, you continue to ride this roller coaster of weight gain and loss.  I'm sorry that you allow your emotions to control what jumps into your mouth.

I need a reality check.  I've been doing some processing and trying to figure out why this happens, what is it that gets the best of me?  How come I keep standing in my own way?  I realized that when I started to let myself spiral down instead of fighting through the doubt and setbacks, was around day 130 when I was invited to come share my story at my alma matter, SPU.  I was asked to speak on suicide, to help educate others with my experience.  It was draining, I relived the day my brother died, the days before he died and the 9 years that have come after.  What have I gone through?  How have I been supported?  What have you learned from this experience?  What do you want to share with others.  I cried, I sobbed, I poured my life out.  It took awhile to recover from that.  It's been awhile since I went that deep and I had never relived that experience in front of a group of people.  Death never leaves us, it lives as a whole the shape of that person in our hearts.  Nothing can ever fill it, replace it, only one person is that shape and size.  So I experience grief, death and mourning as part of my daily life.  But extreme and deep emotional episodes are spread farther apart as life continues moving.  I am stunned when they come around and I use them as an excuse to cope with food.  If someone asked me to write a book on coping with food, it would be a best seller.

I've been trying to figure out what will keep me on track.  What workout have I stayed committed to longer than 4 months?  What type of accountability do I need?  What food regime works best for me?  I know a few things and I'm going to stick with those for now.  I love hitting things, I love kicking things.  I love boxing.  I trained to be a competitive kick boxer for over a year and a half and in the end my work schedule and the commute to my boxing gym refused to work with each other, so I left it behind to succeed at work and take things to the next level.  I'm at a place now where I can take some steps back from the intense work regime I have kept over the last 6 years, so I want to box again.  I found a gym that is close to me and their schedule works with mine.  And to top it all off, I got a Groupon that will get me my first 10 sessions for cheap!  I need accountability, so I have schemed up with one of my favorite people for some email accountability in the form of honest question asking.  We come up with the questions and it's the other persons job to ask us those questions on a weekly basis.  This way I am honest with myself and with another person about where I'm at and what I'm doing to keep myself in line.  Knowing that the other person is there to support me no matter what.  My food intake is something I need to get ahold of.  I know that strict deprivation is not a good idea for me. I know that strictly abstaining from certain food groups only makes me want them more and as a result I cheat.  I don't want to cheat myself.  I want to succeed.

All of these things I've said before, I want change, I want a better life for myself.  I said it when I started this blog and I'm sure that this won't be the last time I say that.  I need to be ok with saying NO, saying YES has always come so easy to me.  I'm always willing to put in extra time and go the extra mile, that's what's gotten me this far in life.  If I put as much YES into myself as I do other things and other people, I'd be a frickin super model by now.  Cindy Crawford here I come!

I promise not to be a stranger, this is therapeutic for me and I need to remember that.

Day 118: I've got a golden chance to make my way!!!

Cause I've got the golden ticket!!

I do have the chance....a chance to start new and fresh and get my ass in gear.

I don't have answers to all of the questions I asked in my last post.  I continue to seek, I continue to ask why, I continue to learn about my shortcomings and how I can overcome them.  How do I do this?  How can I be successful?  How can I move forward and stay consistent?  

I need again to show myself and prove to myself that I have the stamina, the ability to stay in it to win it.  I am so good at getting a jump start and losing some initial weight and getting some good habits going and them I totally blow it.  I lose myself, I lose my motivation and I find ways to make excuses.  I started this blog to hold myself accountable, to share my journey.  Unfortunately the accountability isn't there, but the journey is present.  This is the part of the journey where it's ugly.  My warts show as well as my stretch marks.  Yuck!

So here's what I've determined for now.  I'm gonna take some help and some inspiration from someone else.  I need to break some habits.  I need to free myself from some of the food bonds that chain me to this lard filled body.  I have a friend, a smart/beautiful/no bull sh** woman that I know that has started a blog this year as well.  Challenging herself to stay committed to things for 30 days at a time.  Here's a link to her blog, it's great, read it!  http://challenged30daysatatime.blogspot.com 

I've been thinking about what I need, it's a challenge that I can tackle.  I love rewards, I love being rewarded and I love rewarding myself with food.  I want to reward myself with other things.  I want to change that way of thinking....away from food and into a era of self care.  For every challenge I can complete and for every 10 pounds I lose, I get to do something to take care of myself.  Things I love to do that I would consider a reward....pedicure, massage, spa treatment, new shoe purchase or home purchase.  

Now let's talk about things I love that have gotten me into the mess over and over and over.  Nothing is a bigger vice for me than fresh french bread and good salted butter.  I could eat an entire loaf of crusty fresh french bread and butter on a daily basis.  You might see me on my own reality show "The One Ton Woman" if I allowed myself to do that, so I refrain...most of the time.  Mashed potatoes with butter, cream, sea salt and fresh cracked pepper.  Ummmmm.....probably the best thing since sliced bread...literally, my number two behind fresh sliced crusty french bread.  I want to overcome the need I have for heavy fat filled carbs.  I want to view them in a healthy way, minimal.  That is something I have never been able to do.  I'm going to overcome my carb crazed brain.

I want to seek to do this for longer than 30 days, hopefully a lifetime.  I don't want to completely cut out carbs, but for the first few months, I need to drastically reduce my intake.  I know that it will make my body feel better and provide some health benefits.  There are carbs in almost everything.  I want to cut out carbs in terms of grains and starches.  So breads, rice, tortillas (ahhhh!! mexican food), potatoes, crackers and things along those lines.  I am going to limit my intake for the first two months to one serving a week.  Normally I would consider a serving to be all the grains and starches that come with a meal, but I really want to limit it to a single serving  (2 slices of bread, 2 tortillas, 1 cup of rice, 1 cup of potatoes).  This should be too difficult for me, because I love meat, I love veggies, I love fruit.

My other challenge and concern is going to be in terms of activity right now.  I need to get going.  I just got a bike.  My goal is going to be to ride to work when it's sunny out.  I haven't tested it yet because I still don't have a helmet, but I predict that I could ride to work in 30 minutes on the trail that runs from my house to Ballard.  That's the same time it takes me to drive to work with a stop for coffee.  If I cut out the coffee (money saver) and don't drive (money saver) I will be gaining in all sorts of ways.  Besides the bike, I need to walk.  I have decided that with our current financial situation, I won't be a the pool.  It's too expensive for us right now with our current bills and the goals we have.  So, I'm going to focus on free cardio.  If we have a weekly walking date, WE ARE BACK ON!!!!!  This week, we are on.

I am almost 4 months into this journey and I haven't posted a weight loss or a photo in the last almost two months.  I'm embarrassed by that, I want that to change.  So, my challenges will start May 1.  In my perfect world, before summer camp started on June 25th I would be back to where I left off in terms of weight loss and it would be a miracle from above if I was even beyond that.

So here we go....wish me luck.  Bread, butter, potatoes, cream.....boy am I going to miss you.  But I think our relationship is about to change for the better.  I will still love and appreciate you, but I don't want to sedate myself with your goodness.

Day 114: When it knocks you down, just get back up if it knocks you down

I'm still down, not out, but down.  I'm still in avoidance mode, it seems to be working.  I've avoided the fact that my clothes are getting tight, I've avoided the fact that I'm finding it easy to say "no" to people who ask me to workout.  "I just can't" seems to be my phrase of choice.  I'm not even bothering to make up an excuse, I just can't.  I don't feel like I'm gorging myself, I'm not eating the best way I can, but I haven't gone off the deep end.  I was on a trip last week with middle schoolers and was at the mercy of some theme park eating, but I didn't go crazy.  I didn't feel well enough to each much most days.  I moved a lot last week, but it was harder to move.  My stomach has been pissed off for the last few weeks.  I've been pumping it full of caffeine and sugar to keep myself awake and eating at odd times of the day.  Not enough sleep and not enough water.  I don't blame my body for being pissed.  My legs swelled to size of tree trunks and I got a serious case of the heat rash on my legs while we were in Florida.  So most of my down time has been spent with my legs in the air above my heart to bring the swelling down to my normal size.  Ugh.  Tired of my ailments and complaints yet?  I am.

I have no one to blame but myself in this.  I made these choices, I dug this hole, only I can get myself out.  My man continues to do really well.  He hasn't given into his wallowing and temptation.  He is still eating well, I am cooking most of his "well" food and he is losing weight.  The difference is....I snack and I don't move.  He works out 5 days a week for over an hour and I'm a slug.  So what's the solution?  A cleanse?  Starvation?  Insanity workouts for 100 days straight?  Fat Camp?  Apply for the Biggest Loser?  Sleep for a month and hopefully wake up skinnier?  All seem tempting, pros, cons, craziness, logic....but nothing seems like it will work.

How do I break the crap food habit?  How do I break the snacker habit?  How come it's easy to say no to working out, but when people offer me food, I always say yes?  How do I break the roller coaster?  I think the answer to that question lies inside another question....How do you find perfect balance in life?  Uhhhhhh......you frickin don't!  How do I learn to put my health before the needs of others?  I feel like that is a question I will ask myself as long as I'm on this earth.  I feel heavy hearted by so many things and it makes my issues of fatness seem trivial.  There are such bigger issues in this life, in the life I have right in front of me without even addressing the global issues in this life.  I allow myself to be consumed by the these issues, these needs and I contemplate what I can do, what I NEED to do to help, to make things better.  I don't see what's bad about that, except that I stay fat, even get fatter.

How do I get ahead?  I help others move forward.  I'll do anything I can to help others succeed to make something of themselves.  I want that.  I want to move forward consistently, not feel like for every 1 step forward, I take 3 steps in backwards, sideways and diagonal.  I work three jobs, THREE jobs people.  I do this because I want a comfortable life, I want to be ahead, I want to do ALL the things I love at the same time.  I want to change lives, be an amazing chef, a real estate guru, the best friend, the dream wife, the best boss you've ever had....

I'm frustrated with myself.  Have you been there?  I'm sure you have.  I couldn't be happier with the work I'm doing to change lives.  I have been shown 100 fold lately how I am impacting lives and families.  It feels amazing.  I feel amazing inside my soul.  I feel amazing about my ability to love, my ability to walk with people through all aspects of their life.  I don't ever want to change that.  I always want to feel the change I am making in the lives of others.  But I'm still frustrated.

So....goals.  The least I can do at this point is make goals.  I'm not weighing in and sharing my failures at this point.  So I can share goals and then share when I succeed!  Right?  The power of positive thinking.

1)  Drink 3 of my giant starbucks cups full of water a day
2)  Move 3-4 times a week.  I was just gifted a bike.  I've contemplated seeing how long it takes to bike to work.
3)  Sleep 8 hours a night  (I'm bringing this goal back)
4)  Reduce my intake of sugar, caffeine and carbs

I need to do something.  I need to make myself a priority.

Day 101: Oh brother, where art thou

I've never seen that movie, but I do like me some George Clooney and I constantly ask where my brother is, why isn't he here?  I have been struggling...I wish that weren't the case.  I wish I had lots of funny anecdotes for you and stories about me peeing on towels in my bedroom.  Ok, that did happen, but I will have to give the story at another time, something for you to look forward to I'm sure.

I've been struggling, I've been sabotaging and I've been avoiding you.  I've been avoiding being honest with myself, with my failures and my setbacks.  I've been avoiding admitting to myself that I allow grief and stress to take me over, to take over my new healthy habits and my new routine.  Sadly, my old routine has taken over, not to the most extreme extent, but bad enough.  I feel stagnant, I feel stuck.  I wish I could say I don't want to eat crap, but right now, I do.  I need to WANT to stop sabotaging, to stop struggling.

I lost my brother 9 years ago this last Tuesday, I live in the grief and anguish of that reality every day of my life.  At times my grief overwhelms me, it causes me to fall down and not want to get back up.  I'm there right now.  I've fallen, I don't want to get back up.  Why?  Why should I?  More than anything I want to be pain free, I want to live a life free of all pain and sadness.  But I know that life doesn't exist here on earth, so what do I do?  I get up.  I have to, even if I don't want to.

Death is senseless at times, my brother's death was senseless, my friend's baby's death was senseless, my friends fathers death was senseless...there are so many examples of senseless death in this life.  God doesn't cause death, he doesn't want babies to die, he doesn't want sons, daughter, brothers, sisters, mothers or fathers to die.  He wants life, He gave us life.  I heard an amazing message this Easter Sunday.  The message was that the resurrection doesn't change the circumstances in our lives, it changes how we view the circumstances in our lives.  Bad things will continue to happen to good people, death will continue to happen, however senseless and unfair it may seem.  But that is not the end.  The worst thing that happened is never the last thing....  There is always something beyond the evil and the unjust.  You may never know how far off that thing is, but it's there.  You may continue to wail, to grieve, to curse, to fight, to ask why? for what seems like eternity...and you will never be alone in that.  I know that I am not alone in those times.  No amount of good things that happen will every completely wash away those wails, that grief, those questions.  My father describes it as a hole that is shaped like my brother, that now forever lives in our hearts.  Nothing can fill it, because nothing is my brother.  We seek to appease the hole with memories, by making choices and doing things in life that are characteristic of my brother, that are him.  The hole never fills...it just hurts less as our heart uses those around us to heal the edges of that hole, until we are "comfortable" living with it.

I'm struggling.  I've gained weight.  I want to get back up.  I want to.  I will.

I was hoping again to be a much different place at this point, but I'm not.  I have the ability to do all things under the sun, I have the ability to do this.  I will.  Have faith in me.  I need faith in myself.

Pain is hard, grief is hard...it causes us to wallow, to get lost.  Thank you to all of you who have loved me harder this week in the midst of my pain, you help heal the sides of my Bret Kyle sized hole.  Thank you for loving me, for loving him if you do.

The love of friends, the love of family, the love of my beloved Keystoners, my five new summer dresses and my two new pair of neon Nike's...it's gonna get me out of bed tomorrow.  It's going to help me start walking again, to start swimming again and to start eating well again.

I need to live the life Bret Kyle didn't get to.  I need to be Brave.  I will, I promise you, I will.

Day 90: Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Is that how you feel?  Have you missed me the past 13 days?  We passed the entire 80s in terms of days and went straight to 90.  Wow.  3 months have passed since the journey began and I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be, but thankfully, that was to be expected and I will take that for what it is and continue moving forward.  I know you all expected more from me and I expected more from myself at this point, but so much life has happened and that is the reality of this journey.  It's fricking hard!

Proud to report that the man and I did pretty good while we were gone.  We didn't OVER-indulge, but we did indulge a bit.  We did quite a bit of walking, but no "official" work outs were had as there wasn't time for them.  I slept a total of about 24 hours over the course of the 6 day trip and it was emotional and amazing at the same time.  I was so proud of my teens and all they put into the trip.  They were engaged and set an amazing precedent for their peers and their leadership was something I was very proud of.  I was definitely intaking a lot of caffeine in those 6 days as I predicted and I haven't come back down off of that intake level...yet.  My goal this week is to step back up my water intake and get back on track with working out.

I arrived back in town around midnight on Monday and spent the rest of the week trying to catch up from being gone.  It was a long week and I didn't get any extra sleep or extra time off, I went right back to work to get stuff done.  Took a few things off my list which felt good, but eating this week took a dive.  I didn't weigh in, I didn't make it to weight watchers and I didn't do a single workout.  Ugh.  I need to make myself a priority again.  I need to focus on focus on what I'm doing and turn the focus back on my body and my health.  I haven't given up, though I've been absent from the blog, so don't give up on me!  I need a plan for the next few weeks before I have to leave again.  I have exactly 14 days before I leave on another trip with kids where I will be set up to eat horribly once again.  So, it will be up to ME and ME ALONE to get myself on track before I leave so that the clothes I want to wear will fit while on the trip and so that my fat ass will fit on all the rides I want to go on with my kids.  This too will prove to be a week where there will be small amounts of sleep and lots of caffeine will be needed to stay functional.  I will need to hydrate and workout like a crazy woman in these next 14 days so that I can give myself a head start on this difficult week.

The emotional ride of my life has not stopped since my last post.  I have encountered more deep pain, grief and joy in the last two weeks.  I had the experiences I spoke of in my last post before I left on our trip.  There was more to follow. The emotions expressed and the experiences that were had in those 6 days were tremendous and they made my deep love for my teens grow even deeper if that is possible.  I was given the top honor at this BGCA teen conference.  I was named the Boys & Girls Clubs of America National Keystone Advisor of the Year.  This is a huge deal and not something I ever expected would happen to me.  I feel so incredibly blessed and share this award with my teens.  It truly is because of them that I get out of bed every day and the reason I work as hard as I do.  This was like someone giving me an award that says I do the best job and loving my teens and doing so much for them.  I would do it anyway, but the award felt amazing and I have spent the week reeling in the excitement.  It was a huge deal not only for me, but for our Club and for our County.  I feel so blessed to able to share this with them.

So because I'm awesome, I ate.  You all know how much I love to eat to celebrate myself.  I celebrated by eating all of my favorite foods this week.  All the more reason for me to get back on track.  I got back from this trip, spent the week working, catered a bridal shower yesterday and didn't really get any good rest or time to contemplate life until today.  We are headed into one of the busiest weeks we have a work, REGISTRATION for summer and school year.  Ahhhhh!  Crazy parents are on the rise and A LOT of organization and input into the computer.

All this aside, I need to focus on fruits, veggies, proteins, water and workouts.  I will be doing just that and looking for some support and inspiration.  So if you are on my workout list, we are ON this week.  My goal is do mainly cardio walking though. I don't know that I have funding or the time to get to the pool, so I will be walking as much as possible and throwing in some small weights and abs at home.

I hope to have some numbers to report next week....until then, revel in the glory of my shiny plaque.  I am normally fairly humble and have been caught off guard by the overwhelming excitement and accolades I have received from this award.  But damn it, I'm proud and if I was going to pat myself on the back, this would be the place.

Wishing my plaque came with magical weight loss pills....but it didn't.  Back to the journey...back to the grind.

Day 77: Over the river and through the woods

Let's get right to business!  I have been out of cell service and internet range for the last 3 days and had a hell of a week last week which is been my delay in updating you all.  I did weigh in, however it wasn't at my weight watchers meeting like I had planned, it was at home the following day.  Wednesday was one of the most emotional days I have had in a LONG time and a series of unexpected events kept me reeling all day long.

First things first...

Current Weight:  277.4
Weight Lost this Week: 4.2  (somewhere my calculations got off between my home scale and the scale at weight watcher, the reason being I weigh in with my clothes on at weight watchers and I weigh in my birthday suit at home :)  Anywho...The weight watchers scale told me I gained 3 pounds last week and then I weighed myself this week at home and I weighed 4.2 pounds less.  It means I lost the weight I gained and more.  This doesn't line up with my last weight posted on the blog, but I'm feeling good about it nonetheless.
Total Weight Loss:  16.4
Pounds to Go:  102.4

Well there you have it, still on my way back down.  Feeling good about being on track and now I just need to stay that way.  This week hasn't been ideal, but my body has been doing well at telling me what it likes and what it doesn't like.  I took a group of teens up to cabin for a weekend retreat and I ate a lot of things I loved to eat in high school.  I made them tons of treats and lots of decadent meals.  My body was PISSED, at one point I actually had a violent vomit episode.  I went to bed because I was tired and still fighting a nasty cough and cold and my body woke me up to rid itself of the crap I had eaten that day.  I don't enjoy the vomit.  I like eating food and keeping it down, but I think my body was trying to tell me something.  Enough is enough.

I leave tomorrow night for a 6 day trip with more amazing teens and we will be on the road, which means eating out for every meal or eating what is provided at our conference.  I get nervous about that, the best part about this trip is that I have my man by my side.  He has been on a healthy journey as well since his colon cleanse and he has of course had huge success in a small amount of time.  Another plight for women, men losing weight faster and easier, SUCK IT!  Seriously, it's not fair.  BUT, the good thing is he is supportive and we have been talking about how we are going to stay on track and not just go nuts so that we come back bigger than when we left.  The bad part about this trip is going to be that the lack of sleep with be severe, maybe 4-5 a night if we are lucky.  So, caffeine will undoubtedly be on the rise and that's not something I get excited about.  We will keep pushing down the water, but the caffeine will be necessary for being a functioning human being.  This is one of my favorite trips that I take every year.  These teens are my life, they are the reason I get up every morning and do the things I do and the reason I work myself to the bone, so that I can give myself to them.

Never more has this been true than in this last week.  These have been some of the most emotional days I have had in this job.  Watching my teens struggle, seeing the pain of life be revealed in someone who has never allowed themselves to feel, is amazing and horrific at the same time.  The things I have heard and the things I have felt this last week will change me forever.  The Lord has shown me why He put me where I am today.  He has used the pain in my life for good.  He has used my life experiences to prepare me for the things I am experiencing now.  I seek to love, to love others I want to be loved.  I love my "kids" at the Club the way I want to be loved, unconditionally.  I tell them constantly that I love them, no matter what.  That I love them regardless of the choices they make and I will support who they are as a person.  I may not always agree with what they do, but I will love them regardless.  I have seen that come full circle many times, but none more real than the situation I had last week and one I had last year as well.  I will continue to love the way I am loved.  It's amazing....try it.

Pain is real, love is real, this journey is real.  I want to get back to my weight loss.  I feel like there is so much more to share and I will continue.  I am at one of those points in life right now where I wonder why the Lord has so much faith in my strength and abilities, cause I'm feeling at the end of my rope right now.  I know I am being loved and supported....but it doesn't make it easier.

I don't want to be fat forever...let's work on that.

Day 68: A fat girls plight

I've gotten over my tantrum from Wednesday's 3 pound weight gain.  I think there are a lot of factors that contributed to that weight gain and I'm hoping to see all of those reasons flushed out before next Wednesday.  I'm not giving up my new water regimen and I can't help when my monthly friend comes to visit.  So I'm assuming that my body was holding on to lots of liquid.  I already feel better and like my body has let go of some of this water weight.  I've been sticking to the workout routine.  Swam and walked my ass off this week with lots of awesome accountability worker outers. This is a shout out and a thank you to all of you who are helping me with this and supporting me on a daily basis.

Plight....what is a plight?...."A dangerous, difficult or otherwise unfortunate situation".  Some definite unfortunate situations have happened in some of my friends lives lately and I look at my own life and have definitely had my fair share of 'plights'.  The one I am referring to in this post though is the fat girls plight, which inevitably is what keeps fat girls fat and is the definition of low self esteem and self worth.  Putting ourselves in situations where we think we are being accepted and supported. But what turns out to be is that this man or this "good friend" who wants something from us. That in itself is the definition of the fat girls plight, choosing to be used and abused because you seek acceptance and love.

You may still be wondering...what is the fat girls plight?  Well, if you are fat or have every been fat you will understand this.  Not to say that people who are skinny won't understand, but I feel this as a fat girl.  I know that this applies to anyone who don't fit the "norm", but again, I feel it as a fat girl.  The world has taught me and the world has shown me, that who I am is "not ok".  That no one will ever love me romantically if I'm overweight, that nobody ways to marry a fat girl.  So much of my life has been spent trying to lose weight, trying to make myself 'acceptable' to society.  I spent a lot of middle school and high school being treated like a fat girl, though I would give anything to be that weight again.  But my peers didn't see me that way, I was fat compared to them.  Having a "crush" was crazy, so crazy that even if I had one (and I definitely did), I couldn't tell anyone about it.  Why?  Because they would look at me crazy and let me know non verbally that I didn't stand a chance, why?, because I was fat and unpopular.  I needed to accept my place at the bottom of the barrel.  I finally got to a place in life, where I realized how much I was worth, regardless of how big or small I was.  I am so thankful that I know my worth, that I know who I am inside and out and that this time my journey is seeking to live a longer life.  

I have self worth, I love myself and I know who I am...for the most part.  I have had some other great conversations with another great woman in my life, where we have pondered over the way we are raised as women.  That even though we love ourselves and we know our worth, we still are raised to assume the worst out of men.  That they are only out to hurt us and that we should question every move they make.  As a fat girl, I feel this even more so.  There were numerous times in my life where I was led to believe I had a friend or that someone might actually like me, but it was all a sham and it was rubbed in my face.  Basically telling me that I was fool to believe that I was worth someone else's time or that they had any interest in me as a person.  All they really wanted was to use me for one reason or another.  And the more you are used and abused, the more you believe all that shit you are told.  Fat girls are notoriously those girls with low self esteem, those who are constantly seeking acceptance.  So they allow others to use and abuse them because they want to be accepted, even just for a minute.  They usually don't realize until too late that it's a sham and thus perpetuates who they are.  It's a vicious cycle that for a lot of the girls, leads to eating and more eating and staying fat.  That was me....middle school....high school....and even college.  I am willing to bet there are a million women who have lived the fat girls plight and many who are still living it today.  

I have a man who loves me, a man who chose me at my heaviest.  Yet there are still days where my fat girl gets the best of me and she looks at him and asks on the inside 'why is he with me?', 'is he going to cheat on me when he finds someone skinnier?' and a million other horrible questions.  Why are we raised to believe we aren't good enough?  Why are we raised to believe that every man will cheat on us?  Why?  Because we have seen so many good men who are married to or committed to amazing women...who have cheated.  That's when your fat girl plight takes over, and says, "well if she can't keep her man, how do I even have a chance."  

I know all of this may seem crazy, but it's what I've been thinking about lately.  I do have a man, a man who loves me.  A man who encourages me when I'm working on being healthy and a man who will eat with me when I want to eat.  He has never made me feel fat, he makes me feel beautiful.  I'm gonna go with that, I'm gonna believe in that.

I want all of you to find a place of self-worth, a place where you love yourself no matter what.  A place where you believe in what is good and right and a place where you seek to love others, not judge others.  Love the people in your life regardless of their weight, race, religion, sex or personal choices.  Love people for who they are.