I work hard. I've been accused, praised, blamed, swayed, forced and chosen to work TOO hard most of the time. Most people think this is not a healthy way to live...but I feed off of chaos and being on the move constantly. I don't sit well, it's not in my blood. Though most mornings when I wake up I swear I could stay in bed for weeks and it wouldn't get old...then I get up. Once I'm up I can't imagine wasting my day sleeping when there is so much time in the day to accomplish some pretty amazing things. I don't want to let that potential slip away. That's time in the day to dream, love and do. All of my favorite things. The only problem with how hard I work is the lack of money that makes it way into my bank account...non-profit work is amazing for the heart and soul but difficult on the pocket-book. But I wouldn't change it for the world. My work feeds my soul, feeds my passion, feeds my heart and a lot of the time it feeds my stomach as well.
My work is what feeds me in the metaphoric sense, but I need to focus on what is feeding me literally, like nutrients, food, comida. I have been doing the Advocare system since October and been successful. So instead of making a New Years Resolution, something I usually quit after a month or two, I am going to make a life changing continuation of what I started months ago. I am going to add a few things and take a few things out of play. I will be taking myself on another 24 day challenge and then taking myself to a whole new level with the total transformation. I am beyond excited for the changes that are happening in my body and in my life as a result to the positive changes I am making. It has created a whole slew of positive changes I am seeking in my life.
But lets take a side track to talk about New Years Resolutions. I was discussing and poking fun at New Years Resolutions with some of the amazing people in my life today. Laughing about how crowded gyms, cross fit classes and greenlake are in the month of January. How annoying and frustrating that is for those people who access those places 12 months out of the year and not just for 2 months. That gyms gain almost 30% of their new memberships in the month of January and how many of those people work out for one month and then cancel their memberships. Now I laugh, poke fun and criticize...because I have been that person so many times. New Year, New You. How many companies/programs have used that slogan to drag me and other desperate fat people into their net? How many times has that slogan failed us? Too many to count and way more than I'd care to admit to. One friend of mine said today, "if you wanted to change your life, you could/should have done it already...you don't need to wait until the new year". I agree, I have wanted to change my life for years...shed my body of the fat suit I've been wearing. But I never wanted it enough, I wanted the initial and instant success and then when the going got tough...I got the hell out and went to the bakery. Ahhhh the magic that is consoling yourself with your favorite complex carbohydrates and sugared up delicacies. Then where was I?...right back where I started and most times fatter than where I started.
So...I'm not making any new years resolutions...I am committing to continue what I've started and continuing to surround myself with those people who are holding me accountable, that are pushing me to succeed, not allowing me to give up on myself, not allowing me to give up...again. I WANT this, I NEED this. Not only do I want this for me, I want this for the other women in my life, in my family. We are all addicted to soda...we have been consuming carbonated soda since we first came into contact with my mothers breast. I have been a diet coke addict since I was a baby, it flows through my veins, through our veins. I wonder if they have DCA, Diet Coke Anonymous? I have been Diet Coke free for 3 months, it feels amazing, but I can't say that it hasn't been hard. I was home for almost a week at Christmas and I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to pour myself a DC or run down to the corner store and get one. I caved twice and had a bottle of mexi-coke. It tasted great and I felt better about that choice then choosing DC. Since returning to Seattle, it's been easier to say no to it. I am getting used to 'sticking with water' when I go out and I am still acid reflux/heartburn free. I have been "free eating" for about a week and I definitely feel more lethargic and bloated. I am actually craving my clean meal plan. I have so much more energy, a desire to workout and as funny as it sounds, I move easier when I have the right nutrients in my body. I'm even more excited because the two other amazing women in my family have decided to challenge themselves right along with me. I am beyond elated, my heart is full and my expectations are HIGH! I cannot wait to share in this journey with them and watch them succeed.
My other BIG positive change that I am seeking...freedom from debt. I have accrued some debt in the form of credit card, student loan and car loans. Two of them I am ok with keeping and I'm sure you can guess which ones. I want to rid myself of credit card debt and store credit card debt. I want to say goodbye and never look back. My next positive life choice change will be eliminating unnecessary spending. I DO NOT need new clothes, I can imaginary shop for them on Pinterest. I have SO MANY CLOTHES, that I never wear, because I spend the majority of my days in yoga pants and Boys & Girls Club wear. My work uniform is easy, yet I continue to buy amazing complex clothing that I rarely get to wear. So...I am going to commit to necessities only (underwear, socks and pants that fit) for the next year. I look forward to fitting into a lot of the clothing that I have purchased and never worn. The big goal at the end of my debt freedom is taking on a mortgage. That's a debt that I can get on board with, because it means commitment and roots...two things I'm ready for. Spending will equal: Bills, Food (80% grocery), frugal Entertainment and frugal Travel. Will I go shopping with you? YES! Will I go to the movies with you? YES! Will I get pedicures? YES! I just need to be smarter about how I spend my money. Costco sucks the life out of my checking account on a regular basis because I NEED everything they sell there. Seriously...I do.
So...clean food, less money, more love. New Year....continuing to be Amazing ME!
Monday, January 7, 2013
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Day 359: Talk is cheap, love is real
It's been almost a full year since I started my official open journey with myself and my eating issues, my weight issues, my life issues. It's been 174 days since my last post and as I go back and ready that last post I came to a conclusion...talk is cheap. I made a lot of statements in that post that rang very true and are still true to this day, but I also made some commitments, some of which I carried out and worked well....others, never started or failed soon after initial attempts were made. I promised not to be a stranger, to keep myself accountable and to post regularly so that I had a way to process. I failed at that, in epic proportions. I did process, with those in my life, but I didn't put down what was plaguing me and what I was dealing with on a daily basis. I have struggled, in so many different ways and as I look at my life, I know that my reality is that this will never change. I will always struggle. I have started quite a few different posts over the last few months, but deleted every one of them, some of them in my mind and some of them on paper. I have thought about so many different aspects of my weight that are hurtful, bothersome, uncomfortable and bring anger to my life. My reality is that I can't change the past, I can't change how others have treated or hurt me. I can process through it, I can seek reconciliation, I can seek healing and change in my own life. My expectations of others and situations continue to plague me, unrealistic is an understatement.
What I do know...love is real. Love from my man, my family, my friends, my community...that has not changed. I am in awe of their ability to love in spite of everything, in spite of me gaining weight and reaching an all time high of 303 pounds. I am in awe of their ability to encourage me as I promise to take better care of myself. They don't hound me, they don't criticize, they don't fault me. They love my humanity. They know that my heart is bigger than my stomach and that my capacity for love is what at times drives my appetite for food and for life. That as I struggle through the drastic changes in my professional life this year, I have eaten those unfortunate and hurtful transitions. That I have again made the commitment to others and not to myself. In my last post I faulted myself greatly for what a disgusting excuse for a human being I was because I could't figure out how to take care of myself. But I realized something over the last 6 months, that I care more about my heart and my capacity for love and life than I care for the capacity that my jeans have to hold my body. So...I gained weight...it came back...
Endurance is something I have though...I may give up for periods of time...but my drive and desire will inevitably resurface and this time it's because of my capacity for love. I desire to love my family, to support my family and to be an example for my family. Not just physically, but emotionally. I want to be an example for them in how I communicate, in how I love, in the choices I make, in the places I go and how I live my life as a whole. I want to see one of my immediate family members be cured of her disease, I want to be an example for her, that she can overcome, that she can do it, that she can step over that threshold and take charge of her life and her destiny. I want my other family member to continue to seek healing for her broken heart for her years of childhood pain that plague her into her adult life. I want to see her return to her former glory, to love herself enough to come back fully in her role in our lives. I want to see an extended family that is broken over the pain they have endured at the hands of a dying mother, to be reconciled and healed.
All of these things are possible. What do we need? LOVE, HONESTY, COMPASSION, COMMUNICATION. So many of life's issues could be solved using these four words and the actions that follow.
Now what does this all have to do with my weight? Everything. I have come to a few more conclusions as I struggle through this journey. I don't have control. I don't do well with free choice. I hate transition, it's hard. So...I've started with a new plan. I have started a new system. It comes with controlled choice. It comes with amazing helpful and supportive people that are personable, that have my phone number and seek to be in relationship with me. I started Advocare in October, right before Halloween. I figured that if I could survive through the holiday season and not gain weight, I could make it. I have done just that. I have lost 20 pounds and 23 inches since starting this system just before Halloween. If offers me things I need to succeed and these people believe that I can reach my goal in a just over a year, which has never been something I though possible. I discovered that on weight watchers, while I was successful, it left me with limitless free choice. If you want to save all your points and eat chocolate cake, you can. I know myself well enough now that I don't do well with free choice. I will always choose what is comforting to me in I have the choice and it's the overdosing of those choices that led me to 303 pounds. Yowza! So, while WW works for others, I realized it wasn't for me. I did extensive research on Advocare and talked to lots of different people before deciding to commit and even then, I was skeptical. But again, I believe...and this time I NEED this to work for me...because I need to pave this road for myself and for others. I have people in my life who need this...to cure pain and disease. I want to be the example, but first and foremost I want to succeed for me. This plan is re-training my body to desire food that feeds my body and I haven't felt sad to lose things or walk away. I have said good-bye to Diet Coke. I have been drinking Diet Coke since I was in the womb. I was a 6-8 can a day kinda girl. Over the last year it has caused me quite a bit of pain in the form of acid reflux. I have been Diet Coke/soda free since beginning Advocare and I haven't had heartburn or reflux even once. I feel cured, free from that bond that has had a hold of me my whole life.
I have yet to integrate regular work outs into my regime, but I want to rebuild muscle. I never returned to boxing, like promised. I let that Groupon waste away in my purse. I am working my way towards P90X. I have the system, I've done all the workouts, but now I need to do them regularly and with some kind of persistence to get the results I want. Time...it's what I have given myself as a gift. Transformation doesn't happen tomorrow, or the next day, but over time. Habits don't change over night, they change over time.
Being fit, staying a foodie, it's what I still desire for my life. My roller coaster hasn't stopped, I haven't gotten off. I don't know if I ever will. I think the car I am in has magical powers though as it has the ability to jump tracks and I am seemingly unharmed (at least in the physical sense). My roller coaster takes different focus as obstacles are thrown my way. I'm ok with that. The straight and narrow is boring, that's not me. I thrive on the ups and downs. They bring change and growth, something that is absolutely necessary in the life I lead, the lives we all lead.
Thank you to those of you who have never stopped loving me, who listen to my cheap talk and encourage, support and love me anyway. I know you will continue to do so, because I know your hearts and you know mine. I have so many other topics that I have started and stopped this year because of fear, transition, failure, conflict....they are coming....they still plague my thoughts and my heart.
Here is a photo update for you all that shows my progression since October when I again grabbed my health by the horns...
What I do know...love is real. Love from my man, my family, my friends, my community...that has not changed. I am in awe of their ability to love in spite of everything, in spite of me gaining weight and reaching an all time high of 303 pounds. I am in awe of their ability to encourage me as I promise to take better care of myself. They don't hound me, they don't criticize, they don't fault me. They love my humanity. They know that my heart is bigger than my stomach and that my capacity for love is what at times drives my appetite for food and for life. That as I struggle through the drastic changes in my professional life this year, I have eaten those unfortunate and hurtful transitions. That I have again made the commitment to others and not to myself. In my last post I faulted myself greatly for what a disgusting excuse for a human being I was because I could't figure out how to take care of myself. But I realized something over the last 6 months, that I care more about my heart and my capacity for love and life than I care for the capacity that my jeans have to hold my body. So...I gained weight...it came back...
Endurance is something I have though...I may give up for periods of time...but my drive and desire will inevitably resurface and this time it's because of my capacity for love. I desire to love my family, to support my family and to be an example for my family. Not just physically, but emotionally. I want to be an example for them in how I communicate, in how I love, in the choices I make, in the places I go and how I live my life as a whole. I want to see one of my immediate family members be cured of her disease, I want to be an example for her, that she can overcome, that she can do it, that she can step over that threshold and take charge of her life and her destiny. I want my other family member to continue to seek healing for her broken heart for her years of childhood pain that plague her into her adult life. I want to see her return to her former glory, to love herself enough to come back fully in her role in our lives. I want to see an extended family that is broken over the pain they have endured at the hands of a dying mother, to be reconciled and healed.
All of these things are possible. What do we need? LOVE, HONESTY, COMPASSION, COMMUNICATION. So many of life's issues could be solved using these four words and the actions that follow.
Now what does this all have to do with my weight? Everything. I have come to a few more conclusions as I struggle through this journey. I don't have control. I don't do well with free choice. I hate transition, it's hard. So...I've started with a new plan. I have started a new system. It comes with controlled choice. It comes with amazing helpful and supportive people that are personable, that have my phone number and seek to be in relationship with me. I started Advocare in October, right before Halloween. I figured that if I could survive through the holiday season and not gain weight, I could make it. I have done just that. I have lost 20 pounds and 23 inches since starting this system just before Halloween. If offers me things I need to succeed and these people believe that I can reach my goal in a just over a year, which has never been something I though possible. I discovered that on weight watchers, while I was successful, it left me with limitless free choice. If you want to save all your points and eat chocolate cake, you can. I know myself well enough now that I don't do well with free choice. I will always choose what is comforting to me in I have the choice and it's the overdosing of those choices that led me to 303 pounds. Yowza! So, while WW works for others, I realized it wasn't for me. I did extensive research on Advocare and talked to lots of different people before deciding to commit and even then, I was skeptical. But again, I believe...and this time I NEED this to work for me...because I need to pave this road for myself and for others. I have people in my life who need this...to cure pain and disease. I want to be the example, but first and foremost I want to succeed for me. This plan is re-training my body to desire food that feeds my body and I haven't felt sad to lose things or walk away. I have said good-bye to Diet Coke. I have been drinking Diet Coke since I was in the womb. I was a 6-8 can a day kinda girl. Over the last year it has caused me quite a bit of pain in the form of acid reflux. I have been Diet Coke/soda free since beginning Advocare and I haven't had heartburn or reflux even once. I feel cured, free from that bond that has had a hold of me my whole life.
I have yet to integrate regular work outs into my regime, but I want to rebuild muscle. I never returned to boxing, like promised. I let that Groupon waste away in my purse. I am working my way towards P90X. I have the system, I've done all the workouts, but now I need to do them regularly and with some kind of persistence to get the results I want. Time...it's what I have given myself as a gift. Transformation doesn't happen tomorrow, or the next day, but over time. Habits don't change over night, they change over time.
Being fit, staying a foodie, it's what I still desire for my life. My roller coaster hasn't stopped, I haven't gotten off. I don't know if I ever will. I think the car I am in has magical powers though as it has the ability to jump tracks and I am seemingly unharmed (at least in the physical sense). My roller coaster takes different focus as obstacles are thrown my way. I'm ok with that. The straight and narrow is boring, that's not me. I thrive on the ups and downs. They bring change and growth, something that is absolutely necessary in the life I lead, the lives we all lead.
Thank you to those of you who have never stopped loving me, who listen to my cheap talk and encourage, support and love me anyway. I know you will continue to do so, because I know your hearts and you know mine. I have so many other topics that I have started and stopped this year because of fear, transition, failure, conflict....they are coming....they still plague my thoughts and my heart.
Here is a photo update for you all that shows my progression since October when I again grabbed my health by the horns...
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Day 185: Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....
My body is an distorted hideous and unloveable shape right now. I'm bloated and fat again in all the wrong places. This statement is why you haven't heard from me in 67 days. How do I live with myself? How do I continue to fail? How do I let my emotions send me into a tailspin and then convince myself that I should just stay down for awhile instead of fighting my way back up?
Disappointment. I had a quick conviction and went on a "no-carb" for 30 days stint. I made it a few weeks and did pretty well, but then I left myself go. I gave myself reasons to say YES to every request that came my way, to every food ritual invite, to every extra hour of work and in turn gave my emotions and my brain the NO. No I won't take care of you, no I won't get enough sleep, no I will not work out, no I will not heed your cry to stop consuming the copious amounts of carbs, sugar and caffeine I dumped into my body. So with my disappointment in myself came embarrassment and then retreat. I retreated from this blog, from my WW meetings, from my accountability and from my schedule of all things healthy.
I don't know what to say, I know I don't need to apologize to bloggerville, but I need to apologize to myself. The only person I hurt in my failures is myself. My friends still love me, my man still holds me and no one has disowned me or told me what a fat disgusting pig I have become. I'm the only one who wants to disown me and call myself those nasty names. So...I'm sorry Alison. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry that in your 31st year of life, you continue to ride this roller coaster of weight gain and loss. I'm sorry that you allow your emotions to control what jumps into your mouth.
I need a reality check. I've been doing some processing and trying to figure out why this happens, what is it that gets the best of me? How come I keep standing in my own way? I realized that when I started to let myself spiral down instead of fighting through the doubt and setbacks, was around day 130 when I was invited to come share my story at my alma matter, SPU. I was asked to speak on suicide, to help educate others with my experience. It was draining, I relived the day my brother died, the days before he died and the 9 years that have come after. What have I gone through? How have I been supported? What have you learned from this experience? What do you want to share with others. I cried, I sobbed, I poured my life out. It took awhile to recover from that. It's been awhile since I went that deep and I had never relived that experience in front of a group of people. Death never leaves us, it lives as a whole the shape of that person in our hearts. Nothing can ever fill it, replace it, only one person is that shape and size. So I experience grief, death and mourning as part of my daily life. But extreme and deep emotional episodes are spread farther apart as life continues moving. I am stunned when they come around and I use them as an excuse to cope with food. If someone asked me to write a book on coping with food, it would be a best seller.
I've been trying to figure out what will keep me on track. What workout have I stayed committed to longer than 4 months? What type of accountability do I need? What food regime works best for me? I know a few things and I'm going to stick with those for now. I love hitting things, I love kicking things. I love boxing. I trained to be a competitive kick boxer for over a year and a half and in the end my work schedule and the commute to my boxing gym refused to work with each other, so I left it behind to succeed at work and take things to the next level. I'm at a place now where I can take some steps back from the intense work regime I have kept over the last 6 years, so I want to box again. I found a gym that is close to me and their schedule works with mine. And to top it all off, I got a Groupon that will get me my first 10 sessions for cheap! I need accountability, so I have schemed up with one of my favorite people for some email accountability in the form of honest question asking. We come up with the questions and it's the other persons job to ask us those questions on a weekly basis. This way I am honest with myself and with another person about where I'm at and what I'm doing to keep myself in line. Knowing that the other person is there to support me no matter what. My food intake is something I need to get ahold of. I know that strict deprivation is not a good idea for me. I know that strictly abstaining from certain food groups only makes me want them more and as a result I cheat. I don't want to cheat myself. I want to succeed.
All of these things I've said before, I want change, I want a better life for myself. I said it when I started this blog and I'm sure that this won't be the last time I say that. I need to be ok with saying NO, saying YES has always come so easy to me. I'm always willing to put in extra time and go the extra mile, that's what's gotten me this far in life. If I put as much YES into myself as I do other things and other people, I'd be a frickin super model by now. Cindy Crawford here I come!
I promise not to be a stranger, this is therapeutic for me and I need to remember that.
Disappointment. I had a quick conviction and went on a "no-carb" for 30 days stint. I made it a few weeks and did pretty well, but then I left myself go. I gave myself reasons to say YES to every request that came my way, to every food ritual invite, to every extra hour of work and in turn gave my emotions and my brain the NO. No I won't take care of you, no I won't get enough sleep, no I will not work out, no I will not heed your cry to stop consuming the copious amounts of carbs, sugar and caffeine I dumped into my body. So with my disappointment in myself came embarrassment and then retreat. I retreated from this blog, from my WW meetings, from my accountability and from my schedule of all things healthy.
I don't know what to say, I know I don't need to apologize to bloggerville, but I need to apologize to myself. The only person I hurt in my failures is myself. My friends still love me, my man still holds me and no one has disowned me or told me what a fat disgusting pig I have become. I'm the only one who wants to disown me and call myself those nasty names. So...I'm sorry Alison. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry that in your 31st year of life, you continue to ride this roller coaster of weight gain and loss. I'm sorry that you allow your emotions to control what jumps into your mouth.
I need a reality check. I've been doing some processing and trying to figure out why this happens, what is it that gets the best of me? How come I keep standing in my own way? I realized that when I started to let myself spiral down instead of fighting through the doubt and setbacks, was around day 130 when I was invited to come share my story at my alma matter, SPU. I was asked to speak on suicide, to help educate others with my experience. It was draining, I relived the day my brother died, the days before he died and the 9 years that have come after. What have I gone through? How have I been supported? What have you learned from this experience? What do you want to share with others. I cried, I sobbed, I poured my life out. It took awhile to recover from that. It's been awhile since I went that deep and I had never relived that experience in front of a group of people. Death never leaves us, it lives as a whole the shape of that person in our hearts. Nothing can ever fill it, replace it, only one person is that shape and size. So I experience grief, death and mourning as part of my daily life. But extreme and deep emotional episodes are spread farther apart as life continues moving. I am stunned when they come around and I use them as an excuse to cope with food. If someone asked me to write a book on coping with food, it would be a best seller.
I've been trying to figure out what will keep me on track. What workout have I stayed committed to longer than 4 months? What type of accountability do I need? What food regime works best for me? I know a few things and I'm going to stick with those for now. I love hitting things, I love kicking things. I love boxing. I trained to be a competitive kick boxer for over a year and a half and in the end my work schedule and the commute to my boxing gym refused to work with each other, so I left it behind to succeed at work and take things to the next level. I'm at a place now where I can take some steps back from the intense work regime I have kept over the last 6 years, so I want to box again. I found a gym that is close to me and their schedule works with mine. And to top it all off, I got a Groupon that will get me my first 10 sessions for cheap! I need accountability, so I have schemed up with one of my favorite people for some email accountability in the form of honest question asking. We come up with the questions and it's the other persons job to ask us those questions on a weekly basis. This way I am honest with myself and with another person about where I'm at and what I'm doing to keep myself in line. Knowing that the other person is there to support me no matter what. My food intake is something I need to get ahold of. I know that strict deprivation is not a good idea for me. I know that strictly abstaining from certain food groups only makes me want them more and as a result I cheat. I don't want to cheat myself. I want to succeed.
All of these things I've said before, I want change, I want a better life for myself. I said it when I started this blog and I'm sure that this won't be the last time I say that. I need to be ok with saying NO, saying YES has always come so easy to me. I'm always willing to put in extra time and go the extra mile, that's what's gotten me this far in life. If I put as much YES into myself as I do other things and other people, I'd be a frickin super model by now. Cindy Crawford here I come!
I promise not to be a stranger, this is therapeutic for me and I need to remember that.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Day 118: I've got a golden chance to make my way!!!
Cause I've got the golden ticket!!
I do have the chance....a chance to start new and fresh and get my ass in gear.
I don't have answers to all of the questions I asked in my last post. I continue to seek, I continue to ask why, I continue to learn about my shortcomings and how I can overcome them. How do I do this? How can I be successful? How can I move forward and stay consistent?
I need again to show myself and prove to myself that I have the stamina, the ability to stay in it to win it. I am so good at getting a jump start and losing some initial weight and getting some good habits going and them I totally blow it. I lose myself, I lose my motivation and I find ways to make excuses. I started this blog to hold myself accountable, to share my journey. Unfortunately the accountability isn't there, but the journey is present. This is the part of the journey where it's ugly. My warts show as well as my stretch marks. Yuck!
So here's what I've determined for now. I'm gonna take some help and some inspiration from someone else. I need to break some habits. I need to free myself from some of the food bonds that chain me to this lard filled body. I have a friend, a smart/beautiful/no bull sh** woman that I know that has started a blog this year as well. Challenging herself to stay committed to things for 30 days at a time. Here's a link to her blog, it's great, read it! http://challenged30daysatatime.blogspot.com
I've been thinking about what I need, it's a challenge that I can tackle. I love rewards, I love being rewarded and I love rewarding myself with food. I want to reward myself with other things. I want to change that way of thinking....away from food and into a era of self care. For every challenge I can complete and for every 10 pounds I lose, I get to do something to take care of myself. Things I love to do that I would consider a reward....pedicure, massage, spa treatment, new shoe purchase or home purchase.
Now let's talk about things I love that have gotten me into the mess over and over and over. Nothing is a bigger vice for me than fresh french bread and good salted butter. I could eat an entire loaf of crusty fresh french bread and butter on a daily basis. You might see me on my own reality show "The One Ton Woman" if I allowed myself to do that, so I refrain...most of the time. Mashed potatoes with butter, cream, sea salt and fresh cracked pepper. Ummmmm.....probably the best thing since sliced bread...literally, my number two behind fresh sliced crusty french bread. I want to overcome the need I have for heavy fat filled carbs. I want to view them in a healthy way, minimal. That is something I have never been able to do. I'm going to overcome my carb crazed brain.
I want to seek to do this for longer than 30 days, hopefully a lifetime. I don't want to completely cut out carbs, but for the first few months, I need to drastically reduce my intake. I know that it will make my body feel better and provide some health benefits. There are carbs in almost everything. I want to cut out carbs in terms of grains and starches. So breads, rice, tortillas (ahhhh!! mexican food), potatoes, crackers and things along those lines. I am going to limit my intake for the first two months to one serving a week. Normally I would consider a serving to be all the grains and starches that come with a meal, but I really want to limit it to a single serving (2 slices of bread, 2 tortillas, 1 cup of rice, 1 cup of potatoes). This should be too difficult for me, because I love meat, I love veggies, I love fruit.
My other challenge and concern is going to be in terms of activity right now. I need to get going. I just got a bike. My goal is going to be to ride to work when it's sunny out. I haven't tested it yet because I still don't have a helmet, but I predict that I could ride to work in 30 minutes on the trail that runs from my house to Ballard. That's the same time it takes me to drive to work with a stop for coffee. If I cut out the coffee (money saver) and don't drive (money saver) I will be gaining in all sorts of ways. Besides the bike, I need to walk. I have decided that with our current financial situation, I won't be a the pool. It's too expensive for us right now with our current bills and the goals we have. So, I'm going to focus on free cardio. If we have a weekly walking date, WE ARE BACK ON!!!!! This week, we are on.
I am almost 4 months into this journey and I haven't posted a weight loss or a photo in the last almost two months. I'm embarrassed by that, I want that to change. So, my challenges will start May 1. In my perfect world, before summer camp started on June 25th I would be back to where I left off in terms of weight loss and it would be a miracle from above if I was even beyond that.
So here we go....wish me luck. Bread, butter, potatoes, cream.....boy am I going to miss you. But I think our relationship is about to change for the better. I will still love and appreciate you, but I don't want to sedate myself with your goodness.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Day 114: When it knocks you down, just get back up if it knocks you down
I'm still down, not out, but down. I'm still in avoidance mode, it seems to be working. I've avoided the fact that my clothes are getting tight, I've avoided the fact that I'm finding it easy to say "no" to people who ask me to workout. "I just can't" seems to be my phrase of choice. I'm not even bothering to make up an excuse, I just can't. I don't feel like I'm gorging myself, I'm not eating the best way I can, but I haven't gone off the deep end. I was on a trip last week with middle schoolers and was at the mercy of some theme park eating, but I didn't go crazy. I didn't feel well enough to each much most days. I moved a lot last week, but it was harder to move. My stomach has been pissed off for the last few weeks. I've been pumping it full of caffeine and sugar to keep myself awake and eating at odd times of the day. Not enough sleep and not enough water. I don't blame my body for being pissed. My legs swelled to size of tree trunks and I got a serious case of the heat rash on my legs while we were in Florida. So most of my down time has been spent with my legs in the air above my heart to bring the swelling down to my normal size. Ugh. Tired of my ailments and complaints yet? I am.
I have no one to blame but myself in this. I made these choices, I dug this hole, only I can get myself out. My man continues to do really well. He hasn't given into his wallowing and temptation. He is still eating well, I am cooking most of his "well" food and he is losing weight. The difference is....I snack and I don't move. He works out 5 days a week for over an hour and I'm a slug. So what's the solution? A cleanse? Starvation? Insanity workouts for 100 days straight? Fat Camp? Apply for the Biggest Loser? Sleep for a month and hopefully wake up skinnier? All seem tempting, pros, cons, craziness, logic....but nothing seems like it will work.
How do I break the crap food habit? How do I break the snacker habit? How come it's easy to say no to working out, but when people offer me food, I always say yes? How do I break the roller coaster? I think the answer to that question lies inside another question....How do you find perfect balance in life? Uhhhhhh......you frickin don't! How do I learn to put my health before the needs of others? I feel like that is a question I will ask myself as long as I'm on this earth. I feel heavy hearted by so many things and it makes my issues of fatness seem trivial. There are such bigger issues in this life, in the life I have right in front of me without even addressing the global issues in this life. I allow myself to be consumed by the these issues, these needs and I contemplate what I can do, what I NEED to do to help, to make things better. I don't see what's bad about that, except that I stay fat, even get fatter.
How do I get ahead? I help others move forward. I'll do anything I can to help others succeed to make something of themselves. I want that. I want to move forward consistently, not feel like for every 1 step forward, I take 3 steps in backwards, sideways and diagonal. I work three jobs, THREE jobs people. I do this because I want a comfortable life, I want to be ahead, I want to do ALL the things I love at the same time. I want to change lives, be an amazing chef, a real estate guru, the best friend, the dream wife, the best boss you've ever had....
I'm frustrated with myself. Have you been there? I'm sure you have. I couldn't be happier with the work I'm doing to change lives. I have been shown 100 fold lately how I am impacting lives and families. It feels amazing. I feel amazing inside my soul. I feel amazing about my ability to love, my ability to walk with people through all aspects of their life. I don't ever want to change that. I always want to feel the change I am making in the lives of others. But I'm still frustrated.
So....goals. The least I can do at this point is make goals. I'm not weighing in and sharing my failures at this point. So I can share goals and then share when I succeed! Right? The power of positive thinking.
1) Drink 3 of my giant starbucks cups full of water a day
2) Move 3-4 times a week. I was just gifted a bike. I've contemplated seeing how long it takes to bike to work.
3) Sleep 8 hours a night (I'm bringing this goal back)
4) Reduce my intake of sugar, caffeine and carbs
I need to do something. I need to make myself a priority.
I have no one to blame but myself in this. I made these choices, I dug this hole, only I can get myself out. My man continues to do really well. He hasn't given into his wallowing and temptation. He is still eating well, I am cooking most of his "well" food and he is losing weight. The difference is....I snack and I don't move. He works out 5 days a week for over an hour and I'm a slug. So what's the solution? A cleanse? Starvation? Insanity workouts for 100 days straight? Fat Camp? Apply for the Biggest Loser? Sleep for a month and hopefully wake up skinnier? All seem tempting, pros, cons, craziness, logic....but nothing seems like it will work.
How do I break the crap food habit? How do I break the snacker habit? How come it's easy to say no to working out, but when people offer me food, I always say yes? How do I break the roller coaster? I think the answer to that question lies inside another question....How do you find perfect balance in life? Uhhhhhh......you frickin don't! How do I learn to put my health before the needs of others? I feel like that is a question I will ask myself as long as I'm on this earth. I feel heavy hearted by so many things and it makes my issues of fatness seem trivial. There are such bigger issues in this life, in the life I have right in front of me without even addressing the global issues in this life. I allow myself to be consumed by the these issues, these needs and I contemplate what I can do, what I NEED to do to help, to make things better. I don't see what's bad about that, except that I stay fat, even get fatter.
How do I get ahead? I help others move forward. I'll do anything I can to help others succeed to make something of themselves. I want that. I want to move forward consistently, not feel like for every 1 step forward, I take 3 steps in backwards, sideways and diagonal. I work three jobs, THREE jobs people. I do this because I want a comfortable life, I want to be ahead, I want to do ALL the things I love at the same time. I want to change lives, be an amazing chef, a real estate guru, the best friend, the dream wife, the best boss you've ever had....
I'm frustrated with myself. Have you been there? I'm sure you have. I couldn't be happier with the work I'm doing to change lives. I have been shown 100 fold lately how I am impacting lives and families. It feels amazing. I feel amazing inside my soul. I feel amazing about my ability to love, my ability to walk with people through all aspects of their life. I don't ever want to change that. I always want to feel the change I am making in the lives of others. But I'm still frustrated.
So....goals. The least I can do at this point is make goals. I'm not weighing in and sharing my failures at this point. So I can share goals and then share when I succeed! Right? The power of positive thinking.
1) Drink 3 of my giant starbucks cups full of water a day
2) Move 3-4 times a week. I was just gifted a bike. I've contemplated seeing how long it takes to bike to work.
3) Sleep 8 hours a night (I'm bringing this goal back)
4) Reduce my intake of sugar, caffeine and carbs
I need to do something. I need to make myself a priority.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Day 101: Oh brother, where art thou
I've never seen that movie, but I do like me some George Clooney and I constantly ask where my brother is, why isn't he here? I have been struggling...I wish that weren't the case. I wish I had lots of funny anecdotes for you and stories about me peeing on towels in my bedroom. Ok, that did happen, but I will have to give the story at another time, something for you to look forward to I'm sure.
I've been struggling, I've been sabotaging and I've been avoiding you. I've been avoiding being honest with myself, with my failures and my setbacks. I've been avoiding admitting to myself that I allow grief and stress to take me over, to take over my new healthy habits and my new routine. Sadly, my old routine has taken over, not to the most extreme extent, but bad enough. I feel stagnant, I feel stuck. I wish I could say I don't want to eat crap, but right now, I do. I need to WANT to stop sabotaging, to stop struggling.
I lost my brother 9 years ago this last Tuesday, I live in the grief and anguish of that reality every day of my life. At times my grief overwhelms me, it causes me to fall down and not want to get back up. I'm there right now. I've fallen, I don't want to get back up. Why? Why should I? More than anything I want to be pain free, I want to live a life free of all pain and sadness. But I know that life doesn't exist here on earth, so what do I do? I get up. I have to, even if I don't want to.
Death is senseless at times, my brother's death was senseless, my friend's baby's death was senseless, my friends fathers death was senseless...there are so many examples of senseless death in this life. God doesn't cause death, he doesn't want babies to die, he doesn't want sons, daughter, brothers, sisters, mothers or fathers to die. He wants life, He gave us life. I heard an amazing message this Easter Sunday. The message was that the resurrection doesn't change the circumstances in our lives, it changes how we view the circumstances in our lives. Bad things will continue to happen to good people, death will continue to happen, however senseless and unfair it may seem. But that is not the end. The worst thing that happened is never the last thing.... There is always something beyond the evil and the unjust. You may never know how far off that thing is, but it's there. You may continue to wail, to grieve, to curse, to fight, to ask why? for what seems like eternity...and you will never be alone in that. I know that I am not alone in those times. No amount of good things that happen will every completely wash away those wails, that grief, those questions. My father describes it as a hole that is shaped like my brother, that now forever lives in our hearts. Nothing can fill it, because nothing is my brother. We seek to appease the hole with memories, by making choices and doing things in life that are characteristic of my brother, that are him. The hole never fills...it just hurts less as our heart uses those around us to heal the edges of that hole, until we are "comfortable" living with it.
I'm struggling. I've gained weight. I want to get back up. I want to. I will.
I was hoping again to be a much different place at this point, but I'm not. I have the ability to do all things under the sun, I have the ability to do this. I will. Have faith in me. I need faith in myself.
Pain is hard, grief is hard...it causes us to wallow, to get lost. Thank you to all of you who have loved me harder this week in the midst of my pain, you help heal the sides of my Bret Kyle sized hole. Thank you for loving me, for loving him if you do.
The love of friends, the love of family, the love of my beloved Keystoners, my five new summer dresses and my two new pair of neon Nike's...it's gonna get me out of bed tomorrow. It's going to help me start walking again, to start swimming again and to start eating well again.
I need to live the life Bret Kyle didn't get to. I need to be Brave. I will, I promise you, I will.
I've been struggling, I've been sabotaging and I've been avoiding you. I've been avoiding being honest with myself, with my failures and my setbacks. I've been avoiding admitting to myself that I allow grief and stress to take me over, to take over my new healthy habits and my new routine. Sadly, my old routine has taken over, not to the most extreme extent, but bad enough. I feel stagnant, I feel stuck. I wish I could say I don't want to eat crap, but right now, I do. I need to WANT to stop sabotaging, to stop struggling.
I lost my brother 9 years ago this last Tuesday, I live in the grief and anguish of that reality every day of my life. At times my grief overwhelms me, it causes me to fall down and not want to get back up. I'm there right now. I've fallen, I don't want to get back up. Why? Why should I? More than anything I want to be pain free, I want to live a life free of all pain and sadness. But I know that life doesn't exist here on earth, so what do I do? I get up. I have to, even if I don't want to.
Death is senseless at times, my brother's death was senseless, my friend's baby's death was senseless, my friends fathers death was senseless...there are so many examples of senseless death in this life. God doesn't cause death, he doesn't want babies to die, he doesn't want sons, daughter, brothers, sisters, mothers or fathers to die. He wants life, He gave us life. I heard an amazing message this Easter Sunday. The message was that the resurrection doesn't change the circumstances in our lives, it changes how we view the circumstances in our lives. Bad things will continue to happen to good people, death will continue to happen, however senseless and unfair it may seem. But that is not the end. The worst thing that happened is never the last thing.... There is always something beyond the evil and the unjust. You may never know how far off that thing is, but it's there. You may continue to wail, to grieve, to curse, to fight, to ask why? for what seems like eternity...and you will never be alone in that. I know that I am not alone in those times. No amount of good things that happen will every completely wash away those wails, that grief, those questions. My father describes it as a hole that is shaped like my brother, that now forever lives in our hearts. Nothing can fill it, because nothing is my brother. We seek to appease the hole with memories, by making choices and doing things in life that are characteristic of my brother, that are him. The hole never fills...it just hurts less as our heart uses those around us to heal the edges of that hole, until we are "comfortable" living with it.
I'm struggling. I've gained weight. I want to get back up. I want to. I will.
I was hoping again to be a much different place at this point, but I'm not. I have the ability to do all things under the sun, I have the ability to do this. I will. Have faith in me. I need faith in myself.
Pain is hard, grief is hard...it causes us to wallow, to get lost. Thank you to all of you who have loved me harder this week in the midst of my pain, you help heal the sides of my Bret Kyle sized hole. Thank you for loving me, for loving him if you do.
The love of friends, the love of family, the love of my beloved Keystoners, my five new summer dresses and my two new pair of neon Nike's...it's gonna get me out of bed tomorrow. It's going to help me start walking again, to start swimming again and to start eating well again.
I need to live the life Bret Kyle didn't get to. I need to be Brave. I will, I promise you, I will.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Day 90: Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Is that how you feel? Have you missed me the past 13 days? We passed the entire 80s in terms of days and went straight to 90. Wow. 3 months have passed since the journey began and I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be, but thankfully, that was to be expected and I will take that for what it is and continue moving forward. I know you all expected more from me and I expected more from myself at this point, but so much life has happened and that is the reality of this journey. It's fricking hard!
Proud to report that the man and I did pretty good while we were gone. We didn't OVER-indulge, but we did indulge a bit. We did quite a bit of walking, but no "official" work outs were had as there wasn't time for them. I slept a total of about 24 hours over the course of the 6 day trip and it was emotional and amazing at the same time. I was so proud of my teens and all they put into the trip. They were engaged and set an amazing precedent for their peers and their leadership was something I was very proud of. I was definitely intaking a lot of caffeine in those 6 days as I predicted and I haven't come back down off of that intake level...yet. My goal this week is to step back up my water intake and get back on track with working out.
I arrived back in town around midnight on Monday and spent the rest of the week trying to catch up from being gone. It was a long week and I didn't get any extra sleep or extra time off, I went right back to work to get stuff done. Took a few things off my list which felt good, but eating this week took a dive. I didn't weigh in, I didn't make it to weight watchers and I didn't do a single workout. Ugh. I need to make myself a priority again. I need to focus on focus on what I'm doing and turn the focus back on my body and my health. I haven't given up, though I've been absent from the blog, so don't give up on me! I need a plan for the next few weeks before I have to leave again. I have exactly 14 days before I leave on another trip with kids where I will be set up to eat horribly once again. So, it will be up to ME and ME ALONE to get myself on track before I leave so that the clothes I want to wear will fit while on the trip and so that my fat ass will fit on all the rides I want to go on with my kids. This too will prove to be a week where there will be small amounts of sleep and lots of caffeine will be needed to stay functional. I will need to hydrate and workout like a crazy woman in these next 14 days so that I can give myself a head start on this difficult week.
The emotional ride of my life has not stopped since my last post. I have encountered more deep pain, grief and joy in the last two weeks. I had the experiences I spoke of in my last post before I left on our trip. There was more to follow. The emotions expressed and the experiences that were had in those 6 days were tremendous and they made my deep love for my teens grow even deeper if that is possible. I was given the top honor at this BGCA teen conference. I was named the Boys & Girls Clubs of America National Keystone Advisor of the Year. This is a huge deal and not something I ever expected would happen to me. I feel so incredibly blessed and share this award with my teens. It truly is because of them that I get out of bed every day and the reason I work as hard as I do. This was like someone giving me an award that says I do the best job and loving my teens and doing so much for them. I would do it anyway, but the award felt amazing and I have spent the week reeling in the excitement. It was a huge deal not only for me, but for our Club and for our County. I feel so blessed to able to share this with them.
So because I'm awesome, I ate. You all know how much I love to eat to celebrate myself. I celebrated by eating all of my favorite foods this week. All the more reason for me to get back on track. I got back from this trip, spent the week working, catered a bridal shower yesterday and didn't really get any good rest or time to contemplate life until today. We are headed into one of the busiest weeks we have a work, REGISTRATION for summer and school year. Ahhhhh! Crazy parents are on the rise and A LOT of organization and input into the computer.
All this aside, I need to focus on fruits, veggies, proteins, water and workouts. I will be doing just that and looking for some support and inspiration. So if you are on my workout list, we are ON this week. My goal is do mainly cardio walking though. I don't know that I have funding or the time to get to the pool, so I will be walking as much as possible and throwing in some small weights and abs at home.
I hope to have some numbers to report next week....until then, revel in the glory of my shiny plaque. I am normally fairly humble and have been caught off guard by the overwhelming excitement and accolades I have received from this award. But damn it, I'm proud and if I was going to pat myself on the back, this would be the place.
Wishing my plaque came with magical weight loss pills....but it didn't. Back to the journey...back to the grind.
Proud to report that the man and I did pretty good while we were gone. We didn't OVER-indulge, but we did indulge a bit. We did quite a bit of walking, but no "official" work outs were had as there wasn't time for them. I slept a total of about 24 hours over the course of the 6 day trip and it was emotional and amazing at the same time. I was so proud of my teens and all they put into the trip. They were engaged and set an amazing precedent for their peers and their leadership was something I was very proud of. I was definitely intaking a lot of caffeine in those 6 days as I predicted and I haven't come back down off of that intake level...yet. My goal this week is to step back up my water intake and get back on track with working out.
I arrived back in town around midnight on Monday and spent the rest of the week trying to catch up from being gone. It was a long week and I didn't get any extra sleep or extra time off, I went right back to work to get stuff done. Took a few things off my list which felt good, but eating this week took a dive. I didn't weigh in, I didn't make it to weight watchers and I didn't do a single workout. Ugh. I need to make myself a priority again. I need to focus on focus on what I'm doing and turn the focus back on my body and my health. I haven't given up, though I've been absent from the blog, so don't give up on me! I need a plan for the next few weeks before I have to leave again. I have exactly 14 days before I leave on another trip with kids where I will be set up to eat horribly once again. So, it will be up to ME and ME ALONE to get myself on track before I leave so that the clothes I want to wear will fit while on the trip and so that my fat ass will fit on all the rides I want to go on with my kids. This too will prove to be a week where there will be small amounts of sleep and lots of caffeine will be needed to stay functional. I will need to hydrate and workout like a crazy woman in these next 14 days so that I can give myself a head start on this difficult week.
The emotional ride of my life has not stopped since my last post. I have encountered more deep pain, grief and joy in the last two weeks. I had the experiences I spoke of in my last post before I left on our trip. There was more to follow. The emotions expressed and the experiences that were had in those 6 days were tremendous and they made my deep love for my teens grow even deeper if that is possible. I was given the top honor at this BGCA teen conference. I was named the Boys & Girls Clubs of America National Keystone Advisor of the Year. This is a huge deal and not something I ever expected would happen to me. I feel so incredibly blessed and share this award with my teens. It truly is because of them that I get out of bed every day and the reason I work as hard as I do. This was like someone giving me an award that says I do the best job and loving my teens and doing so much for them. I would do it anyway, but the award felt amazing and I have spent the week reeling in the excitement. It was a huge deal not only for me, but for our Club and for our County. I feel so blessed to able to share this with them.
So because I'm awesome, I ate. You all know how much I love to eat to celebrate myself. I celebrated by eating all of my favorite foods this week. All the more reason for me to get back on track. I got back from this trip, spent the week working, catered a bridal shower yesterday and didn't really get any good rest or time to contemplate life until today. We are headed into one of the busiest weeks we have a work, REGISTRATION for summer and school year. Ahhhhh! Crazy parents are on the rise and A LOT of organization and input into the computer.
All this aside, I need to focus on fruits, veggies, proteins, water and workouts. I will be doing just that and looking for some support and inspiration. So if you are on my workout list, we are ON this week. My goal is do mainly cardio walking though. I don't know that I have funding or the time to get to the pool, so I will be walking as much as possible and throwing in some small weights and abs at home.
I hope to have some numbers to report next week....until then, revel in the glory of my shiny plaque. I am normally fairly humble and have been caught off guard by the overwhelming excitement and accolades I have received from this award. But damn it, I'm proud and if I was going to pat myself on the back, this would be the place.
Wishing my plaque came with magical weight loss pills....but it didn't. Back to the journey...back to the grind.
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