They walked away…who misunderstood?

I got some serious weight hanging on my shoulders and I don't just mean the physical weight that I'm always lugging around.

I feel misunderstood.  I feel abandoned.  Why do people walk away?  I'm not usually one to put on blast issues I have with others, but my heart is in pain.  Most days I can shake it off like Mariah Carey, but the last few days…I can't shake no more.

Have you ever had someone just decide not to be your friend anymore and you have no idea why?  Like one day you are eating lunch together and the next day you call her name across campus to wait up for you and she looks at you like a stranger and shuffles in a hurry in the other direction.  What the hell?  Who does that?

Twice.  Twice in my life this has happened.  I don't see a pattern, it's a pretty minute percentage over the last 33 years, but nonetheless, TWICE.  

The first time was in high school.  High School Alison was a LOT different that current day Alison.  She barely spoke to anyone, tried to hide out in class, lacked confidence, self-esteem and allowed others to walk all over her.  I kept a core group of girls as friends in high school.  Some of them were other teens from my church youth group and a few were girls I met at school that were nice to me, so I kept hanging out with them.  Mind you, never much on the weekends, I kept mostly to myself and church activities.  The girl I felt the closest to was a girl named Amy.  There were two other girls, Krista and Tracy.  We ate lunch together almost every day for two years, the three of them were much better friends than I, but I was ok with that.  Then one day they weren't there for lunch, so I ate alone, wandering school grounds.  Then after lunch I saw her and called out to her and the aforementioned took place.  What the hell?  I waited a few days and then got the nerve to call her on the phone, probably the scariest thing I had done to date.  She answered and acted like she didn't know what I was talking about.  After that, we stopped eating lunch together, we stopped speaking and stopped being friends.  I spent more time alone and got a job that got me out of school at lunch time so I didn't have to face the issue of eating alone.  Why had she done that?  I was so deathly afraid of confrontation, I just crammed it down and pretended it didn't bother me.

Second time, this past year.  It's been over 10 years since I graduated from college.  College was 4 of the best years of my life.  I found myself, I decided who I wanted to be and I made choices to get myself there.  The end of my 4th year brought the worst day of my life and some of the hardest times since then.  I met some amazing people in college, some of them were friends for the moment and some for a lifetime.  Both of which I am grateful for.  One of those friends, someone I felt was the later, a lifetime friend just recently walked away from me.  Still not really sure why.  I have days where it doesn't bother me at all and then other days where I see someone else from that era and it triggers in me that doubt and uncertainty of why.  We have seen each other on a semi-irregular basis over the last 10 years.  But always texted or called on birthdays, met up for coffee a few times a year and encouraged each other throughout life.  This friend was there for me when my brother died, we have shared a lot in terms of family and how crazy they can be at times.  One day I messaged her and waited a few weeks, got no response.  So I texted, to no response.  So I emailed, no response.  So I CALLED, multiple times, left messages, no response.  Why?  Why do people walk away with no explanation, leaving others feeling misunderstood.

College taught me a lot of things, one of the most important lessons I learned was about conflict, confrontation and communication.  I learned to step into it, instead of turning away or running in the other direction.  I learned to LOVE conflict and confrontation.  Because resolution feels SO amazing.  It's worth the difficult times, to get to a new level in a relationship with someone.  So why did these people choose to walk away?  No significant events took place to cause these things to happen.  I haven't beat anyone in a fit of rage.  I haven't been arrested for fraud or drug possession, so what is it?  And why does it hurt so god damn bad?

Why do we choose to walk away instead of seeking to UNDERSTAND the other person?  Why do we choose what is easiest?  Do people stop to think about who they are hurting when they take 'the easy road'?  Do people realize the consequences?  Do they even care?

I have people in my life who think I have it easy.  People whose blood runs in my veins.  Like somehow the Almighty Lord granted me all the goodness and left them with a paper sack full of shit.  Seriously?  The ignorance of that statement baffles me.  My life has been anything but easy, but it's hard to see that when you get your glimpse from a distance through a dirty pair of glasses.  Most of the dirt on those glasses been built up by the choices of the person themselves.  I'm not interested in listing my trials and tribulations or the amount of work hours I have put into my life, especially over the last 15 years.  I'm interested in stepping into what is difficult and help you not only clean your lenses, but shatter them.  If you care enough about a person, which I hope you do, we are all human beings at the end of the day.  Choose to step into what is difficult, don't hide, don't deflect, don't allow anger to blur your vision.  Seriously consider the lenses with which you view others through.  Are they fair?  Are they just?  If they aren't, consider a little polishing or maybe some fucking smashing.

Savor the moments

This year, I want to savor the moments.  I don't do enough of that.

I've spent the last year being frustrated, with myself, with my relationship, with my friendships, with changes I couldn't control and with people in general.  I made a lot of headway in 2013, but I'm glad to see the frustrations of that year behind me.  I loved to the fullest, I grieved to the fullest, I lost great people, some to death, some just disappeared from my life and I don't know why.  I found health and healthy habits, I lost them too.  I lost pounds and then found them again.

This year I will…

Find health in a form that is sustainable for my foodie lifestyle.  I love to eat, good food.  I love to create, good food.  My body won't run on lettuce, nut and berries.  My body craves rustic breads, churned sea salt butter, kalbi marinated flank stead, parmesan whipped potatoes, hollandaise laden asparagus and so much more.  My body also craves movement, water, a healthy heart and clothes that don't cut off my circulation.  It's time to solidify the sustainable.

Take chances and risks to follow my dreams.  I have always been responsible.  I was the teenager that always made the right choice.  Never got in trouble, chose the road less traveled.  I finished college in four years, I got a job, I support myself.  I work too much.  I only do things if they are practical.  I like being safe and knowing where my next meal is coming from (in more ways than one).  There's nothing wrong with that.  I like being that person.  I want to keep being responsible.  I also want adventure.  I want to do things I've never done.  I want to follow my heart with reckless abandonment.

Share love at every turn.  I want my life to radiate love.  When I die, I want to be remembered as someone who loved well.  That doesn't always mean red, pink and purple hearts plastered on everything I do.  To me it means giving the right kind of love at the right time.  Love in emotion, love in deed, love in words, love in action.

Spend more time bringing my families together.  Family is every evolving.  That is a difficult thing to accept, a difficult thing to swallow at times.  You are born into a family, for me it was a mother and a father, two brothers and a sister.  You make memories, you experience joy, pain, laughter, tears.  You don't imagine anything happening to that family, forever together you will be.  Then a sister moves away, a brother dies young, a mother becomes absent, grandparents die, a mother becomes present, jobs are lost, new jobs are found, close friends die, a brother gets married, holidays become separated.  It can all be too much.  Not all of us understand it.  Things won't ever be as they were, but that doesn't mean they can't be the best they've ever been.  How do we embrace the "new" family that we are, with extended arms?  How do we create new traditions that everyone is a part of?

Continue to foster real and authentic relationships.  I won't accept anything else.  Be real, be authentic.  We all deserve that.

Enjoy every moment I get to spend with my teens.  My work with teens is the most fulfilling part of my life and has been for the past ten years.  I had no idea what my life was going to hold after I lost my brother over ten year ago.  I found comfort and healing working with kids, who eventually turned into teens and are now adults.  My moments and memories with them are what carries me through the day to day bull shit that riddles life right now.  I am so blessed to have them in my life.  I am so blessed that they chose to do life with me.  I want to cherish every moment I spend with them in case it doesn't last forever.

Spend more time at the beach.  Preferable the Oregon Coast, but any beach will do most days.  I know who I am when I'm at the beach.  I find my center.  All my frustrations are washed away with the waves.  Answers are found as I comb the beach for treasures.  I want more of that.

Not allow anyone to put me in a box, to limit my dreams.  I know a few men…Bret, Carl, Kyle, Mark, Sahara and Tony.  I know some women too…Shara, Jessica, Joan, Diane, Kim and Noelle.  These powerful men and women have always encouraged me in one for or another to push beyond my limits, to do anything I want to do, to now allow the status quo to direct my path.  They have encouraged me to shred any box that someone puts in front of me, to push past the ceiling that can't hold me and to not just reach up, but to soar.  They have taught me lessons, they have shared passions and recipes :), they have loved me.

Work less at feeding my frustrations.  They don't own me, they don't dictate me, they don't have power over me.  I need to remember that and take back what is mine, my happiness.

Work more at filling my heart with what it desires.  Focusing on what I love.  Family, friends, teens, food, fun, camping, sand, ocean, rain, dog, traveling.  Focusing on even that small list of things I love will suffice in overflowing my heart with goodness.  In that goodness I find joy, laughter, pain, tears, grief, adventure, weariness, desire, passion, excitement and fulfillment.

I believe in the savory.  I believe in the sweet.  I believe it a healthy speed to life.  I believe in slowing down.  I want to enjoy all of it in this year.  I will embrace it as it comes, I will jump at opportunity, I will sit back and savor the moments.  This year may define the word CHANGE in my life, in a more positive way than I have ever known.

Quilted Queen

In the quiet hours of the morning she holds him, she strokes his head, she whispers to him "you're my sweetie".

"I love you so much...you led a good life...a long good life...you have always been so good to me".

Tears stream down his face, he shows her he hears her, she returns the sentiment with tears on her own cheeks.  "You're crying, we will cry together."  So softly she sobs as she nuzzles her head into his blanket covered chest.  She looks like a queen in her quilted down bathrobe.  So tender a moment between a queen and her king.  He is able to pucker slightly and kiss her softly.  It eases his pain when she is near.  In a room filled with his children, remembering...laughing, his eyes search for her.  He is at peace when she is near.

His blue eyes seek to speak into your soul when you share a moment with him.  He opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out.  His eyes do all the talking and his emotions are on his face.  A slight curl at the corner of his mouth, shows a smile.  What a deep blue sea of love in those eyes.  "You don't need to say anything dad, we know what you want to say...we feel the same way."  "We love you dad."

He continues to hold on.  Spending a restless night I watched him sleep.  In the wee hours of the morning, he awoke.  Quietly I came to his side, "hi grandpa, I love you."  "Chris and Jess wish they could be here, but know they love you...so much."  "Brooke and Justin love you to grandpa."  We hold hands, he moves his mouth to let me know he needs moisture.  I grab his swab and some fresh mint water and he responds with eager eyes.  We share moments together and I can sense his pain.  The liquid pain relief sets in and we sit together, holding hands and stroking his tender scalp.  He falls back into a labored slumber.

Early morning coffee and tears.  "It's ok honey, you can go if you're ready", "You're work here is done."  All his children surround him, his queen at his side.  "Dad there are some great people waiting for you.  Grandma and Grandpa, your sister and Bret Kyle.  They can't wait to see you dad."

Laughter, tears and sibling love fill the day.  Joking, poking, reminiscing...  Some head to bed, others stay by his side.  Sleep is optional at a time like this, even when you seek it, rarely does it come easily.
He holds on still.  We allow life to enter the space, looking at old photos, reliving memories.  He rests peacefully while his children enjoy each others presence.  They toast, he prays.

"I think Bret Kyle will be the one meeting him at the gate".

"You have worked so hard Dad, you deserve peace, it's time to rest."

81 years of life, 58 years of marriage.  He continues to hold on.  He wants to make sure she is taken care of.  "We're gonna take care of each other dad, you don't have to worry."  His children stand watch at his bedside.

So much love, so many memories, so many lives changed.  He was a son, a husband, a father, a coach, a school teacher, a brother, a veteran, a grandfather and a friend.

A king to his queen, serving alongside her for 58 years.

December 8th as dad and I are at his side, he takes his last breath.

We love you grandpa.

27 things I remember about you...

1.  I remember the day you were born, in our matching gowns we held you.

2.  I remember the ditch in the backyard where you played ninja turtles with Chris.

3.  I remember your stick straight blonde hair, that didn't last long.

4.  I remember watching you play hockey for 11 years.

5.  I remember getting dressed up in our red and gold best to watch Chris play football, then you doing the same.

6.  I remember taping homemade episodes of jerry springer while mom and dad were at hockey games.

7.  I remember when you got Nick for christmas, how special your relationship was.

8.  I remember when your hair got curly, such a proud moment for me.

9.  I remember when we all rode bikes together as kids, wearing our interchangeable homemade helmet 'skins'.

10.  I remember the countless number of VW shows we went to, fueling our fire and love for our cars.

11.  I remember watching you play baseball and eating frito banditos.

12.  I remember every camping trip we ever went on, those were the best.

13.  I remember hours spent jumping on the trampoline.

14.  I remember when the acres behind the big blue church were just dirt, no school, no development, just a wide expanse of dirt jumps for our bikes.

15.  I remember going to Betty's, swimming lessons, bologna sandwiches and always fun.

16.  I remember shopping at St. Vincent de Paul for your church camp theme outfits.

17.  I remember how much you loved spending time with your cousin Justin.

18.  I remember swinging on grandpas tree swing and cardboard slides down the tall grass.

19.  I remember..."BK, you TURKEY!"

20.  I remember touring around Seattle, pictures at the troll, gasworks and cap hill.

21.  I remember the day you left us like it was yesterday.

22.  I remember how you showed me how to channel my pain into loving teens.

23.  I remember how I've felt you laughing every time I've pooped my pants in the last 10 years.

24.  I remember how much my heart has ached daily when I think about how much I miss you.

25.  I remember all the times you have shown your face over the last 10 years, always when I least expect it and in the most flagrant of ways.

26.  I remember how much you make me laugh and how you remind me to not worry about what other people think.

27.  I remember how beautiful your 16 years of life were.

Happy 27th Birthday Bret Kyle.  You bring me life and love.

Crashing waves

Dreams are up in the air.  They are hanging in the moment, some waiting for a few dollars to come true, others waiting for strong will and commitment to carry on.  I have dreams, dreams of owning my own business (slightly bigger than my current one), dreams of creating the body that will carry me long in life, dreams of being the best wife, mother, daughter, mentor, friend.   Hoping and working in faith towards these goals.  Some progress rapidly towards success, others crash in and out like the waves, their importance as fleeting as sunshine on the northwest coast.

My weight is a ship that is out to sea, I watch it travel closer to shore, further out, but it is always within sight.  It's waiting for me to signal it in, to jump aboard and sail it to it's final destination.  Right now, this girl is feeling like anything BUT a sailor.  Right now I'm hanging out on my floaty near shore.  When I pop the floaty, it might be time to signal the flare gun for the ship to come in.  But right now, I'm enjoying my floaty.  It's green, in the shape of a sea turtle and very comfortable.

Dreams are what I'm focusing on.  The big dream, one that could change the course of my life.  I've been committed to something for ten years, a DECADE of changing lives.  What would happen if I moved on, if I followed a dream?  It's scary, scary as shit to be exact.  I'm a bold woman, I take risks, but more often than not, I can predict to some extent an outcome, so it's easier to jump in.  This risk is all me, I'm asking other people to take a chance on me, to believe in the dream and vision that I have rolling around in my mind and my heart.  I believe it, but will they?  I have the support and love of my family, my friends.  It's good to feel others connect with your dream.  So much is hanging in the balance.

I'm so thankful for what I have, for what I have experienced, for the life I have been gifted with.  I know that I could continue to feel blessed, loved and successful if I stay where I am.  I know the potential is endless for what I could accomplish...but is it where I'm supposed to be?

I promised....

I promised you that I would always be happy.  That I would live a life full of joy.  That if I ever found myself unhappy, that if I ever awoke from my nightly slumber and dreaded what my life had become, I would walk away.  I would chose otherwise.  I promised you that.

My heart is heavy, my body is stagnant, my tears are drowning.  I miss you so.

I don't want to say that I have broken that promise, but I'm getting close.  The days where I dread getting up and facing the life ahead of me have surfaced more times than I can count.  I want to change it, I need to change it.  I can say that I am so thankful to have family and friends that are family...who make the negative feel like something I can endure.  But I'm beginning to question...do I have the stamina, do I have the strength, do I have the heart?

I don't know.

I am in a state of confusion, a state of suffering, I'm grieving.  What I have loved and known is lost.  How do I rebuild?  How do I walk away?  Where do I go?  What do I do?  How do I find the same fulfillment in something different?

I have been called to love.  To love teens, to love food, to love serving, to love giving.  When is enough, enough?  I cannot do those things on an empty tank.  What used to fill me, now drains me.  It's never the work or the kids, it's the environment, the process and at times...the people, the adults, those that should know better.

I need a focus shift, a momentum shift.

I promised you that I would always be happy.  That I would live a life full of joy.

Seeking Joy...

The perpetual marathon...lacing up my neon Nikes.

I'm running...figuratively, not physically, a never ending race.  To a finish line that I can't see, nor am I sure exactly what it looks like.  I'm running, I'm flailing, I'm dragging, I'm climbing, I'm crawling...at least I'm moving?

It has come into question the last few months, my idea of priority.  What are my priorities?  Are they where they should be?  Do I value work over family?  Do I value food over health?  Do I value business over friendship?  It's not easy to be questioned and it's even harder to ask yourself this questions.  It's equally as difficult to come to a conclusion and then attempt to defend your choices to the ones you love.

I have a psychotic type of work ethic.  I give things 110%, if I can't give that much, to me it's half assed and I won't do it.  I commit, some may say OVER commit.  Ok....I'll say it....I OVER COMMIT!  My commitments aren't trivial and loose though, they are meaningful and close to my heart.  My priorities are my values, my priorities are my people.  I value loyalty, I value awareness, I value life, I value happiness, I value truth, I value real relationships, I value hard work.  All of these come it to play when I evaluated my priorities.  What I spend my time doing, is what I value, what I see purpose in.  I happen to be lucky enough to LOVE what I do.  I get to come to work everyday and make a difference.  It may not always be noticeable and in your face, but I am doing what I was made to do.

More recently what I do has become more political and difficult to deal with, which has been unbelievably frustrating.  I have had to deal with new roles, new work ethics and attempting to figure out other peoples priorities when it comes to what we do.  Much of it has been sad, frustrating and down right pisses me off.  What I do, what we do...is people, it's kids, tweens, teens and young staff.  The development of young people.  So when your PERSONAL priorities become more important than the "job", I lose respect for you and what you think you are doing.  I'm over here busting my chops, giving my 110% and when I look at you I see 75%.  So compared to that, I look like a total psychotic over worked madwoman.

Whew...rant.

My work ethic is mine.  I will own that it's a bit over the top.  But it's me.  I want to squeeze the most out of every day.  Who knows how many I have left?  I do things I love, with people I love.

One thing I have come to realize...and believe me, it's still a FAT struggle for me right now.  It's that I can't expect the same thing out of others that I expect out of myself.  Most days that's hard to chew and I can almost never swallow it.  I was brought up to believe in living life to the fullest, never letting a moment pass you by.  Carpe Diem!

Just yesterday I enjoyed a meal with a former teen and a current teen.  We shared laughter, dreams, hopes, questions and some great chinese food.  What do you want to do with your life?  What makes you happy?  Why are my parents pushing towards a career because it's financially going to take care of me?  Why can't I choose what will make me happy...bring me joy?  Dinner last night took me back to the day Bret died.  The decisions I made in that day, those weeks afterwards.  I was never going to do anything in my life that didn't make me happy.  If I ever woke up and hated what I was doing, I would walk away in an instant.  It's not worth it.

Did I work 100 hours last week, yes, yes I did (literally 100 hours)?!  Was I exhausted? Yes.  Was I bitchy? Yes.  Was I completely overworked and under appreciated?  Yes.

Was it worth it?.....

You're damn right it was.  It was totally and utterly worth it.  To me it's worth it.  To walk alongside those teens, those staff...to not ask them to do anything I wouldn't do myself.  That's the Mustache Man way.  I won't have it any other way.  Some of our best times together are sifting through tons of seafood trash and emptying a truck full of cardboard into the recycle bin at the dump.  Those are the life changing moments.  They bring the most laughter, tears, joy and pain.

So do I work too much?  Yes.  Do I take enough time for myself?  No.

I need to take better care of myself.  I need to BALANCE my priorities a bit more.  I need to delegate more.  I also need to dream more and step out in faith more.  I need to do crazy things.  I need to dump some baggage and FAT off my body.  It'll come...I'll get there...

Walk a minute, walk a mile, walk this perpetual marathon WITH me and you will see what I mean.  You will see my priorities, you will see my values and you most definitely will see my work ethic.  You will also see joy, happiness, laughter, tears, pain and unwaivering love.  You will see that all things are where they should be.  I will keep asking questions, you will keep asking questions.  It's necessary, it challenges me.  I love a good challenge.

What day is it? I lost count.

It's been months...though at times it feels like eternity.  Months since I've been honest in the open of the "universe".  I've been honest in my circle, open it my heart.  It's rough though...when you are going through IT, to be real with everyone.  Admitting failure is difficult, admitting you were purposely blind to things that weren't good for you because it was more convenient.  Embarrassing.  I had to say NO, which isn't a word I use very often.  I am a doer, a yes woman.  I can take it all on, I can do it all and more often than not, I can probably do it better than you.  So when that isn't true, I pretend like it is.  Like I have control over it, like I "wanted" it this way.  Create some bull shit about how it's healthy and we are working and I am going through a phase and I can change if I want to.  NO.  NO.  NO.  That's a lie.  I wasn't happy, things weren't good.  So...I said NO.  And guess what...shit got real.  Things got multitudes worse and I struggled.  But NO came easy, which made me know it was right.

Now...things are better.  I can still say NO, but only when I need to.  We are working, things are better and it's what I want.  Rarely am I worried about myself or more importantly what is best for me.  I make sure everyone else is taken care of.  We know this about me, it's at the heart of my story.  So it's taking time to get the rest of my life in line so that all versions of myself are healthy and that my life is supporting me, not dragging me down.

My support system is doing a better job at taking care of me, but I am struggling to get myself on board with it.  I slipped, again, I fell again.  Weight is back.  Hope is not lost.  I have quite a few plans for myself and for my body.  I just need to get those plans into action and I need to get my brain to cooperate with my heart.  My priorities during the summer always stray away from....ME.  My priorities are my kids, my teens and my club.  The summer started out with stress knifing me in the stomach...literally.  It has begun to ease and I have been able to think a bit more about where I am going, what I am doing.

I'm not sure if where I am right now is completely where I should be.  In terms of my body and health, I know it's not.  But in terms of my talents and where I choose to share them, I'm at a crossroads.  Things need to shape up or I may ship out.  So much unhappiness has consumed what I love so dear.  Things need to change.

I'm working on it folks.

Day 425: It never leaves us...

I am no stranger to grief.  It has enveloped my life over the last 10 years.  It comes in waves, crashing and drowning me out.  My pastor once explained it me like this... 'Grief never leaves us.  At the initial loss, grief is overwhelming, it consumes us, it grabs hold of us and we in our state of desperation DON'T WANT to let it go.  We wail, we scream, we curse.  We fear that if we let it go, we let the person or the situation go with it.  That is simply not true.  Grief is always with us.  What happens as time goes on is the periods of time where it consumes us become further and further from each other.  Grief is a part of you.'

I love my grief.  At times it is so painful that I want to smash it into the ground, into hell from which it came.  But then I realize, that not only does the period of consumption separate itself further as time passes, but when it returns, also with it comes joy...periods of intense joy and happiness of memory or futuristic thinking.  It is in those moments where I say...I love you grief.  Thank you for bringing me tears, for bringing me memories, for bringing me healing.  Without those all consuming periods of grief, I would never be able to gauge how far I have come.  How these people and situations have made me grow...stretched me...changed me...loved me.

Death is hard...that is where my grief resides mostly...in death.  Death is hard when you leave us at 16.  Death is hard when you leave us at 78.  Death is hard when you leave us at 29.  Death is hard when you choose to leave.  Death is hard when you are diagnosed with a terminal illness.  Death is hard when your body fails you at a young age.  No one of these situations feels peaceful, feels positive.

Today in the midst of grief I found myself saying..."Why do you think I'm so strong?  Why do you think that you can continue to pile this shit on top of me and I'll make it through?  Why do you have so much faith in me...I don't?!"

This past week as I have seen death, seen it lowered into the ground and as I reach news of impending death...I have felt jealous.  I have been slow to admit that, to verbalize it.  The crazy fat girl wants to die.  It's not necessarily that I want to die, I'm just so jealous of those passing on...pain free world they are stepping into...hugging, seeing, laughing and spending eternity with my Bret Kyle.  Lucky SOBs.  At the same time...wanting those people here...don't die, we have more to do here.  That's what keeps me here, keeps me grieving, keeps me loving.  Knowing that I must not be done.

I have been experiencing some extreme situational grief as well.  This isn't grief I want, it can be taken from me at any time and it is not something I want to walk around with constantly.  This grief is ugly, it is painful...there is no joy in sight.  I find myself protecting others against it.  I shield those I love from having to deal with it.  I am big, I can carry more.  At times I remember why I am so overweight...because there are greater spaces in my body to carry the burdens of others, to love deeply for others.  At times I love that about myself and thus love my fat...and I don't want to let it go.  I've been having one of those weeks, where I struggle between the newer healthier me and the older large capacity "super sized" version of me.  I have made lots of good choices and quite a few bad ones... but in the end I know who will win and it's not a 20 piece chicken nugget.  I know what champion sized me is supposed to be... and no matter how big or small my body is... my heart will always stay the same size.

Other days I wish I was a bear...so I could hibernate...for years upon end.  But the food is better on the human side of things...so I stay here.

Day 414: Sitting with the positive

That's what I'm doing today, sitting with the positive, reveling in my success.  Please don't remind me that I have difficult decisions to make.  Please don't remind me that I have serious life issues to sort through, to evaluate, to conclude.  I need to sit, to hang out with my positive side, my kick ass side.  Today....I weighed in.  Today...the scale was nice to me.  Today...my hard work paid off.  Today....I lost a pre-schooler.  When I lose weight, I like to equal it with some real life picture of what that looks like.  So, after weighing in today, I texted a good friend to ask her how much her daughter weighed and she said...31 pounds!  YES!  Victory!  I lost a pre-school aged little girl off of my body.  It's amazing to look at her and realize I was lugging that around all the time.

So...where am I at.  Let's get you the facts, the 411.

Starting weight before Halloween 2012:  303 pounds (ugh, don't remind me)
Weight right before Christmas:  283 (wahoo, 20 pounds gone!)
Weight mid-January:  290 (that's how quickly I have the ability to gain weight...impressed?)
Weight today:  273!!

So here I sit reveling in my positivity.  Basking in the glory of the amount of "likes" I get when I post this success on Facebook.  Good job ME!  Thank you Advocare!  Finally I feel like I have a handle, finally I feel like I have grasped success...I never want to let go and I never want to look back.

My health and my weight have always been the part of me that was holding on, never allowing me to take control of it.  It was the part of me that felt like a cancerous tumor.  The part I couldn't get a handle on, I couldn't heal it no matter what I did.  This time it's different....like really different.  Not like all those other times "it was different", if that make sense.  Finally having a hold of this, finally having a handle on this is causing me to engage and reflect on the other parts of my life.

Is it good enough?
Is this what I want for the rest of my life?
Is this the best thing for me?
Am I settling for less than the best?
Am I settling for what is good enough?
Do I deserve more?
Are my skills being utilized to their fullest potential?
Can I see this me being happy 10 more years down the road?
What do I want out of this life?

I'm at a crossroads. Transition has been at the fore front of my life the last 5 months.  Everything is in transition.  Transition is hard, transition likes to beat at you until it hopes you fall down, transition is often not your choice, transition has the ability to create pain and joy.

More transition is coming...some slowly...some more quickly.  I don't have it all figured out yet, but it's coming.

I lost a pre-schooler today!
For now, I sit...with the positive.

Day 400: Who do you think you are?

Today I feel like a raging bull!  Who do you think you are?  You think you know me?  You think you've walked a mile in my shoes?  You think just because you see me on a regular basis means you know me and make judgements about my life or how it is lived?  I'm steaming...attempting to keep my charging bull latched safely behind the fence.

These were my thoughts two days ago...on day 398.  I started this post and then decided to step away...thank you for light applause you are all giving me on that one.  I took the high road, attempted to calm the pissed off cow inside of me and deal with the situation instead of ripping someone apart via fat ladies blog.  I succeeded...feel free to applause again.  I confronted the demon and what do you know???, I came out the victor.  My feels, my views, my requests and my way...won.  Why?  Because I was more reasonable, I used my 'oh wise fat girl wisdom' to argue my case and to allow the other person to feel like they were validated and a part of the decision too.

Validation is huge.  I have this amazing friend...I may have mentioned her a few times before :)...and validation is one of our favorite and most healing practices. Have you ever needed validation and it never came?  It blows.  It's like someone telling you how you feel doesn't matter.  That what you've been through isn't as important as what they've experienced.  Or that somehow you deserved it or didn't deserve it.  They look at you like "buck up Barbie", "that's your problem", "nobody can make you feel anything, you are in charge of your own feelings".  All of those comments, all of those responses...when it comes down to it...are complete bullshit.  They are ways for us to keep our distance, to judge people at their face value, to stay on the surface...where it's easier to ignore, deflect and make excuses.

Validation is real.  To be able to validate someone's feelings, I mean TRULY validate them...means you are willing to go deep, to reach to the equally beautiful and hideous parts of you that live in the depths...bringing them to the surface.  Using those parts of you to RELATE...to EMPATHIZE...to GRIEVE...to LAUGH...to CRY...to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY...to VALIDATE.  No two experiences are ever alike...we can never say in good and honest faith that "we know EXACTLY how someone feels".  You can't, it's impossible.  Because no two people operate exactly the same way.  We all bring a history, a story a lifetime of experiences to the table.  It's what you do with those that make you REAL.  Are you willing to be real, to go deep, to walk a marathon in their shoes.  You don't even have to walk in their shoes, you can lace up your own and walk with them.

You don't know what it's like to be fat your whole life.  You don't know what it's like to be bullied and treated like an outsider throughout your adolescence and teen years because you're fat.  You don't know what it's like to to have your brother take his own life when he was 16 and you were a senior in college.  You don't know what it's like to live in that grief everyday when you wake up.  You don't know what it's like to have a Bret Kyle sized whole in your heart.  You don't know what it's like to use food as a coping mechanism for all of those negative life experiences.  To get yourself up to 303 pounds and wonder how the HELL you let yourself get like that.

You know what...that's ok.  I don't expect you to know what that's like.  That's my story.  Is that my whole story?  No.  Did a lot of amazingly positive, spectacular, miraculous things happen in my life over the last 31 years...YES!  Do I overlook those good things and constantly dwell on the shitty cards I've been dealt?  No.  Do I revisit those difficult experiences regularly?  Yes.  For a variety of reasons.  To glean lessons, to seek healing, to seek reconciliation, to remember, to love, to grieve, to honor, to share, to relate....to validate.

I'm not fat because I'm a glutton, because I'm greedy or because I don't care about my health.  Don't get me wrong, I frickin LOVE food.  I'm fat because subconsciously my inner self tells me I'll feel better when I'm down, if I eat.  You know what's great about this journey...is that sometimes I still allow that to be true and to be ok.  Which is why at day 400 of this journey, I'm still only down 22 pounds from that starting point of 303.  And when I started day 1, I wasn't 303, I was still chilling out in the extremely high 200s.  I don't regret that.  So I've succeeded, I've failed, I've resorted to old coping mechanisms.  But my inner self won't change over night.  If I could change my inner self over night, this journey would have been over long ago, I'd be at my healthy goal.

My inner Alison is changing, she is seeking, she is stretching, she is sharing, she is healing, she is changing.  She is still recognizing where she's been, she is validating the young Alison, she is validating the current Alison and she is seeking support and love for the new Alison.

I'm healing the fat girl inside of me...so I can be the healthy woman I know I am inside and out.

Learn how to validate...learn how to seek validation...surround yourself with depth, with real people.

Day 397: Heights of Heaven, Depths of Hell

I'm low...to the ground...under the ground, feeling the warmth of what is possibly the earths core or perhaps the depths of hell.  I don't like this place. My desire is not to live here...to not dwell here for too long.  Why I'm here feels a bit of a mystery to me...I can't put my finger on any one thing that is bringing me here, dragging me here.  My desire is to not leave until I know why I'm here.

I feel positive about quite a few things in life right now.  I'm am working myself into a frenzy with my health.  I am on a second round of a 24 Day Challenge and I've been sticking to my nutrition and my meal plan.  It's been amazing to be able to share my results, to share my success and to watch others succeed.  To watch my family take control and take charge of their health.  To see pain disappear...to see old habits die quickly...I am feeling so hopeful for the health of our family.

Meal planning these last few months has been a key to my success.  Writing out my meals, preparing them in advance has set me up to make good choices, has allowed me to say no and to avoid 'free eating'.  I'm eating with a purpose.  The purpose is to feed my body, to supply it with the nutrients it needs to survive.  I've been prepping all of my food for an entire week in one day.  It eliminates all of the excuses and I'm having a lot of fun converting my favorite recipes so that they fit into my plan.  I'm allowing myself indulgences, but for the first time in my life...I feel like I am in control of those indulgences.  I'm not indulging at the first sign of a bad day, to participate in eating rituals or to soothe myself.  I can honestly say that today was a rough day, it was an emotional day, I shared a lot of my load today in hopes that someone can help lift the burden I am carrying for others...and I'm nervous.  So my instinct right now as I'm writing is this is wrestling in my head with my 'self-soother' to convince me that I deserve to stop at the Buck tomorrow and treat myself to a carmel macchiato.  NO, I don't need that.  I will be just fine with my veggie egg bake for breakfast, I don't need that yummy dairy laden drink.  I feel like I've pretty much convinced myself in the opposite direction and I will continue to fight that urge until I'm past the 3 Bucks I pass on the way to work.

I've been engaging my physical body, not it the most strenuous of workouts, but I have been walking...lots of miles at a time.  It feels good.  My body feels tired, exhausted.  I want to push it, I desire more muscle.  I have the tools, but I need to push, push past what is comfortable.

I found myself an amazing crew of friends who want to engage with meal prep with me, which makes it even easier to move forward and keep going.  Knowing my family is working just as hard continues to spur me on to do and be my very best.  Tomorrow is weigh in day, the end of day 10 and I can't wait to post my results.

What's ironic, is most of my life, when I have positive news to report or exciting things happening, rarely does it have to do with my health or my weight.  Yet here is where I sit, with that very topic as the positive drive that's pulling me out of bed every morning.

So why am I here...wallowing in the depths...

Day 372: She works hard for the money, so hard for it honey

I work hard.  I've been accused, praised, blamed, swayed, forced and chosen to work TOO hard most of the time.  Most people think this is not a healthy way to live...but I feed off of chaos and being on the move constantly.  I don't sit well, it's not in my blood.  Though most mornings when I wake up I swear I could stay in bed for weeks and it wouldn't get old...then I get up.  Once I'm up I can't imagine wasting my day sleeping when there is so much time in the day to accomplish some pretty amazing things.  I don't want to let that potential slip away.  That's time in the day to dream, love and do.  All of my favorite things.  The only problem with how hard I work is the lack of money that makes it way into my bank account...non-profit work is amazing for the heart and soul but difficult on the pocket-book.  But I wouldn't change it for the world.  My work feeds my soul, feeds my passion, feeds my heart and a lot of the time it feeds my stomach as well.

My work is what feeds me in the metaphoric sense, but I need to focus on what is feeding me literally, like nutrients, food, comida.  I have been doing the Advocare system since October and been successful.  So instead of making a New Years Resolution, something I usually quit after a month or two, I am going to make a life changing continuation of what I started months ago.  I am going to add a few things and take a few things out of play.  I will be taking myself on another 24 day challenge and then taking myself to a whole new level with the total transformation.  I am beyond excited for the changes that are happening in my body and in my life as a result to the positive changes I am making.  It has created a whole slew of positive changes I am seeking in my life.

But lets take a side track to talk about New Years Resolutions.  I was discussing and poking fun at New Years Resolutions with some of the amazing people in my life today.  Laughing about how crowded gyms, cross fit classes and greenlake are in the month of January.  How annoying and frustrating that is for those people who access those places 12 months out of the year and not just for 2 months.  That gyms gain almost 30% of their new memberships in the month of January and how many of those people work out for one month and then cancel their memberships.  Now I laugh, poke fun and criticize...because I have been that person so many times.  New Year, New You.  How many companies/programs have used that slogan to drag me and other desperate fat people into their net?  How many times has that slogan failed us?  Too many to count and way more than I'd care to admit to.  One friend of mine said today, "if you wanted to change your life, you could/should have done it already...you don't need to wait until the new year".  I agree, I have wanted to change my life for years...shed my body of the fat suit I've been wearing.  But I never wanted it enough, I wanted the initial and instant success and then when the going got tough...I got the hell out and went to the bakery.  Ahhhh the magic that is consoling yourself with your favorite complex carbohydrates and sugared up delicacies.  Then where was I?...right back where I started and most times fatter than where I started.

So...I'm not making any new years resolutions...I am committing to continue what I've started and continuing to surround myself with those people who are holding me accountable, that are pushing me to succeed, not allowing me to give up on myself, not allowing me to give up...again.  I WANT this, I NEED this.  Not only do I want this for me, I want this for the other women in my life, in my family.  We are all addicted to soda...we have been consuming carbonated soda since we first came into contact with my mothers breast.  I have been a diet coke addict since I was a baby, it flows through my veins, through our veins.  I wonder if they have DCA, Diet Coke Anonymous?  I have been Diet Coke free for 3 months, it feels amazing, but I can't say that it hasn't been hard.  I was home for almost a week at Christmas and I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to pour myself a DC or run down to the corner store and get one.  I caved twice and had a bottle of mexi-coke.  It tasted great and I felt better about that choice then choosing DC.  Since returning to Seattle, it's been easier to say no to it.  I am getting used to 'sticking with water' when I go out and I am still acid reflux/heartburn free.  I have been "free eating" for about a week and I definitely feel more lethargic and bloated.  I am actually craving my clean meal plan.  I have so much more energy, a desire to workout and as funny as it sounds, I move easier when I have the right nutrients in my body.  I'm even more excited because the two other amazing women in my family have decided to challenge themselves right along with me.  I am beyond elated, my heart is full and my expectations are HIGH!  I cannot wait to share in this journey with them and watch them succeed.

My other BIG positive change that I am seeking...freedom from debt.  I have accrued some debt in the form of credit card, student loan and car loans.  Two of them I am ok with keeping and I'm sure you can guess which ones.  I want to rid myself of credit card debt and store credit card debt.  I want to say goodbye and never look back.  My next positive life choice change will be eliminating unnecessary spending.  I DO NOT need new clothes, I can imaginary shop for them on Pinterest.  I have SO MANY CLOTHES, that I never wear, because I spend the majority of my days in yoga pants and Boys & Girls Club wear.  My work uniform is easy, yet I continue to buy amazing complex clothing that I rarely get to wear.  So...I am going to commit to necessities only (underwear, socks and pants that fit) for the next year.  I look forward to fitting into a lot of the clothing that I have purchased and never worn.  The big goal at the end of my debt freedom is taking on a mortgage.  That's a debt that I can get on board with, because it means commitment and roots...two things I'm ready for.  Spending will equal:  Bills, Food (80% grocery), frugal Entertainment and frugal Travel.  Will I go shopping with you?  YES!  Will I go to the movies with you?  YES!  Will I get pedicures?  YES!  I just need to be smarter about how I spend my money.  Costco sucks the life out of my checking account on a regular basis because I NEED everything they sell there.  Seriously...I do.

So...clean food, less money, more love.  New Year....continuing to be Amazing ME!

Day 359: Talk is cheap, love is real

It's been almost a full year since I started my official open journey with myself and my eating issues, my weight issues, my life issues.  It's been 174 days since my last post and as I go back and ready that last post I came to a conclusion...talk is cheap.  I made a lot of statements in that post that rang very true and are still true to this day, but I also made some commitments, some of which I carried out and worked well....others, never started or failed soon after initial attempts were made.  I promised not to be a stranger, to keep myself accountable and to post regularly so that I had a way to process.  I failed at that, in epic proportions.  I did process, with those in my life, but I didn't put down what was plaguing me and what I was dealing with on a daily basis.  I have struggled, in so many different ways and as I look at my life, I know that my reality is that this will never change.  I will always struggle.  I have started quite a few different posts over the last few months, but deleted every one of them, some of them in my mind and some of them on paper.  I have thought about so many different aspects of my weight that are hurtful, bothersome, uncomfortable and bring anger to my life.  My reality is that I can't change the past, I can't change how others have treated or hurt me.  I can process through it, I can seek reconciliation, I can seek healing and change in my own life.  My expectations of others and situations continue to plague me, unrealistic is an understatement.

What I do know...love is real.  Love from my man, my family, my friends, my community...that has not changed.  I am in awe of their ability to love in spite of everything, in spite of me gaining weight and reaching an all time high of 303 pounds.  I am in awe of their ability to encourage me as I promise to take better care of myself.  They don't hound me, they don't criticize, they don't fault me.  They love my humanity.  They know that my heart is bigger than my stomach and that my capacity for love is what at times drives my appetite for food and for life.  That as I struggle through the drastic changes in my professional life this year, I have eaten those unfortunate and hurtful transitions.  That I have again made the commitment to others and not to myself.  In my last post I faulted myself greatly for what a disgusting excuse for a human being I was because I could't figure out how to take care of myself.  But I realized something over the last 6 months, that I care more about my heart and my capacity for love and life than I care for the capacity that my jeans have to hold my body.  So...I gained weight...it came back...

Endurance is something I have though...I may give up for periods of time...but my drive and desire will inevitably resurface and this time it's because of my capacity for love.  I desire to love my family, to support my family and to be an example for my family.  Not just physically, but emotionally.  I want to be an example for them in how I communicate, in how I love, in the choices I make, in the places I go and how I live my life as a whole.  I want to see one of my immediate family members be cured of her disease, I want to be an example for her, that she can overcome, that she can do it, that she can step over that threshold and take charge of her life and her destiny.  I want my other family member to continue to seek healing for her broken heart for her years of childhood pain that plague her into her adult life.  I want to see her return to her former glory, to love herself enough to come back fully in her role in our lives.  I want to see an extended family that is broken over the pain they have endured at the hands of a dying mother, to be reconciled and healed.

All of these things are possible.  What do we need?  LOVE, HONESTY, COMPASSION, COMMUNICATION.  So many of life's issues could be solved using these four words and the actions that follow.

Now what does this all have to do with my weight?  Everything.  I have come to a few more conclusions as I struggle through this journey.  I don't have control.  I don't do well with free choice.  I hate transition, it's hard.  So...I've started with a new plan.  I have started a new system.  It comes with controlled choice.  It comes with amazing helpful and supportive people that are personable, that have my phone number and seek to be in relationship with me.  I started Advocare in October, right before Halloween.  I figured that if I could survive through the holiday season and not gain weight, I could make it.  I have done just that.  I have lost 20 pounds and 23 inches since starting this system just before Halloween.  If offers me things I need to succeed and these people believe that I can reach my goal in a just over a year, which has never been something I though possible.  I discovered that on weight watchers, while I was successful, it left me with limitless free choice.  If you want to save all your points and eat chocolate cake, you can.  I know myself well enough now that I don't do well with free choice.  I will always choose what is comforting to me in I have the choice and it's the overdosing of those choices that led me to 303 pounds.  Yowza!  So, while WW works for others, I realized it wasn't for me.  I did extensive research on Advocare and talked to lots of different people before deciding to commit and even then, I was skeptical.  But again, I believe...and this time I NEED this to work for me...because I need to pave this road for myself and for others.  I have people in my life who need this...to cure pain and disease.  I want to be the example, but first and foremost I want to succeed for me.  This plan is re-training my body to desire food that feeds my body and I haven't felt sad to lose things or walk away.  I have said good-bye to Diet Coke.  I have been drinking Diet Coke since I was in the womb.  I was a 6-8 can a day kinda girl.  Over the last year it has caused me quite a bit of pain in the form of acid reflux.  I have been Diet Coke/soda free since beginning Advocare and I haven't had heartburn or reflux even once.  I feel cured, free from that bond that has had a hold of me my whole life.

I have yet to integrate regular work outs into my regime, but I want to rebuild muscle.  I never returned to boxing, like promised.  I let that Groupon waste away in my purse.  I am working my way towards P90X.  I have the system, I've done all the workouts, but now I need to do them regularly and with some kind of persistence to get the results I want.  Time...it's what I have given myself as a gift.  Transformation doesn't happen tomorrow, or the next day, but over time.  Habits don't change over night, they change over time.

Being fit, staying a foodie, it's what I still desire for my life.  My roller coaster hasn't stopped, I haven't gotten off.  I don't know if I ever will.  I think the car I am in has magical powers though as it has the ability to jump tracks and I am seemingly unharmed (at least in the physical sense).  My roller coaster takes different focus as obstacles are thrown my way.  I'm ok with that.  The straight and narrow is boring, that's not me.  I thrive on the ups and downs.  They bring change and growth, something that is absolutely necessary in the life I lead, the lives we all lead.

Thank you to those of you who have never stopped loving me, who listen to my cheap talk and encourage, support and love me anyway.  I know you will continue to do so, because I know your hearts and you know mine.  I have so many other topics that I have started and stopped this year because of fear, transition, failure, conflict....they are coming....they still plague my thoughts and my heart.

Here is a photo update for you all that shows my progression since October when I again grabbed my health by the horns...

Day 185: Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....

My body is an distorted hideous and unloveable shape right now. I'm bloated and fat again in all the wrong places.  This statement is why you haven't heard from me in 67 days.  How do I live with myself?  How do I continue to fail?  How do I let my emotions send me into a tailspin and then convince myself that I should just stay down for awhile instead of fighting my way back up?

Disappointment.  I had a quick conviction and went on a "no-carb" for 30 days stint.  I made it a few weeks and did pretty well, but then I left myself go.  I gave myself reasons to say YES to every request that came my way, to every food ritual invite, to every extra hour of work and in turn gave my emotions and my brain the NO.  No I won't take care of you, no I won't get enough sleep, no I will not work out, no I will not heed your cry to stop consuming the copious amounts of carbs, sugar and caffeine I dumped into my body.  So with my disappointment in myself came embarrassment and then retreat.  I retreated from this blog, from my WW meetings, from my accountability and from my schedule of all things healthy.

I don't know what to say, I know I don't need to apologize to bloggerville, but I need to apologize to myself.  The only person I hurt in my failures is myself.  My friends still love me, my man still holds me and no one has disowned me or told me what a fat disgusting pig I have become.  I'm the only one who wants to disown me and call myself those nasty names.  So...I'm sorry Alison.  I'm sorry I let you down.  I'm sorry that in your 31st year of life, you continue to ride this roller coaster of weight gain and loss.  I'm sorry that you allow your emotions to control what jumps into your mouth.

I need a reality check.  I've been doing some processing and trying to figure out why this happens, what is it that gets the best of me?  How come I keep standing in my own way?  I realized that when I started to let myself spiral down instead of fighting through the doubt and setbacks, was around day 130 when I was invited to come share my story at my alma matter, SPU.  I was asked to speak on suicide, to help educate others with my experience.  It was draining, I relived the day my brother died, the days before he died and the 9 years that have come after.  What have I gone through?  How have I been supported?  What have you learned from this experience?  What do you want to share with others.  I cried, I sobbed, I poured my life out.  It took awhile to recover from that.  It's been awhile since I went that deep and I had never relived that experience in front of a group of people.  Death never leaves us, it lives as a whole the shape of that person in our hearts.  Nothing can ever fill it, replace it, only one person is that shape and size.  So I experience grief, death and mourning as part of my daily life.  But extreme and deep emotional episodes are spread farther apart as life continues moving.  I am stunned when they come around and I use them as an excuse to cope with food.  If someone asked me to write a book on coping with food, it would be a best seller.

I've been trying to figure out what will keep me on track.  What workout have I stayed committed to longer than 4 months?  What type of accountability do I need?  What food regime works best for me?  I know a few things and I'm going to stick with those for now.  I love hitting things, I love kicking things.  I love boxing.  I trained to be a competitive kick boxer for over a year and a half and in the end my work schedule and the commute to my boxing gym refused to work with each other, so I left it behind to succeed at work and take things to the next level.  I'm at a place now where I can take some steps back from the intense work regime I have kept over the last 6 years, so I want to box again.  I found a gym that is close to me and their schedule works with mine.  And to top it all off, I got a Groupon that will get me my first 10 sessions for cheap!  I need accountability, so I have schemed up with one of my favorite people for some email accountability in the form of honest question asking.  We come up with the questions and it's the other persons job to ask us those questions on a weekly basis.  This way I am honest with myself and with another person about where I'm at and what I'm doing to keep myself in line.  Knowing that the other person is there to support me no matter what.  My food intake is something I need to get ahold of.  I know that strict deprivation is not a good idea for me. I know that strictly abstaining from certain food groups only makes me want them more and as a result I cheat.  I don't want to cheat myself.  I want to succeed.

All of these things I've said before, I want change, I want a better life for myself.  I said it when I started this blog and I'm sure that this won't be the last time I say that.  I need to be ok with saying NO, saying YES has always come so easy to me.  I'm always willing to put in extra time and go the extra mile, that's what's gotten me this far in life.  If I put as much YES into myself as I do other things and other people, I'd be a frickin super model by now.  Cindy Crawford here I come!

I promise not to be a stranger, this is therapeutic for me and I need to remember that.

Day 118: I've got a golden chance to make my way!!!

Cause I've got the golden ticket!!

I do have the chance....a chance to start new and fresh and get my ass in gear.

I don't have answers to all of the questions I asked in my last post.  I continue to seek, I continue to ask why, I continue to learn about my shortcomings and how I can overcome them.  How do I do this?  How can I be successful?  How can I move forward and stay consistent?  

I need again to show myself and prove to myself that I have the stamina, the ability to stay in it to win it.  I am so good at getting a jump start and losing some initial weight and getting some good habits going and them I totally blow it.  I lose myself, I lose my motivation and I find ways to make excuses.  I started this blog to hold myself accountable, to share my journey.  Unfortunately the accountability isn't there, but the journey is present.  This is the part of the journey where it's ugly.  My warts show as well as my stretch marks.  Yuck!

So here's what I've determined for now.  I'm gonna take some help and some inspiration from someone else.  I need to break some habits.  I need to free myself from some of the food bonds that chain me to this lard filled body.  I have a friend, a smart/beautiful/no bull sh** woman that I know that has started a blog this year as well.  Challenging herself to stay committed to things for 30 days at a time.  Here's a link to her blog, it's great, read it!  http://challenged30daysatatime.blogspot.com 

I've been thinking about what I need, it's a challenge that I can tackle.  I love rewards, I love being rewarded and I love rewarding myself with food.  I want to reward myself with other things.  I want to change that way of thinking....away from food and into a era of self care.  For every challenge I can complete and for every 10 pounds I lose, I get to do something to take care of myself.  Things I love to do that I would consider a reward....pedicure, massage, spa treatment, new shoe purchase or home purchase.  

Now let's talk about things I love that have gotten me into the mess over and over and over.  Nothing is a bigger vice for me than fresh french bread and good salted butter.  I could eat an entire loaf of crusty fresh french bread and butter on a daily basis.  You might see me on my own reality show "The One Ton Woman" if I allowed myself to do that, so I refrain...most of the time.  Mashed potatoes with butter, cream, sea salt and fresh cracked pepper.  Ummmmm.....probably the best thing since sliced bread...literally, my number two behind fresh sliced crusty french bread.  I want to overcome the need I have for heavy fat filled carbs.  I want to view them in a healthy way, minimal.  That is something I have never been able to do.  I'm going to overcome my carb crazed brain.

I want to seek to do this for longer than 30 days, hopefully a lifetime.  I don't want to completely cut out carbs, but for the first few months, I need to drastically reduce my intake.  I know that it will make my body feel better and provide some health benefits.  There are carbs in almost everything.  I want to cut out carbs in terms of grains and starches.  So breads, rice, tortillas (ahhhh!! mexican food), potatoes, crackers and things along those lines.  I am going to limit my intake for the first two months to one serving a week.  Normally I would consider a serving to be all the grains and starches that come with a meal, but I really want to limit it to a single serving  (2 slices of bread, 2 tortillas, 1 cup of rice, 1 cup of potatoes).  This should be too difficult for me, because I love meat, I love veggies, I love fruit.

My other challenge and concern is going to be in terms of activity right now.  I need to get going.  I just got a bike.  My goal is going to be to ride to work when it's sunny out.  I haven't tested it yet because I still don't have a helmet, but I predict that I could ride to work in 30 minutes on the trail that runs from my house to Ballard.  That's the same time it takes me to drive to work with a stop for coffee.  If I cut out the coffee (money saver) and don't drive (money saver) I will be gaining in all sorts of ways.  Besides the bike, I need to walk.  I have decided that with our current financial situation, I won't be a the pool.  It's too expensive for us right now with our current bills and the goals we have.  So, I'm going to focus on free cardio.  If we have a weekly walking date, WE ARE BACK ON!!!!!  This week, we are on.

I am almost 4 months into this journey and I haven't posted a weight loss or a photo in the last almost two months.  I'm embarrassed by that, I want that to change.  So, my challenges will start May 1.  In my perfect world, before summer camp started on June 25th I would be back to where I left off in terms of weight loss and it would be a miracle from above if I was even beyond that.

So here we go....wish me luck.  Bread, butter, potatoes, cream.....boy am I going to miss you.  But I think our relationship is about to change for the better.  I will still love and appreciate you, but I don't want to sedate myself with your goodness.

Day 114: When it knocks you down, just get back up if it knocks you down

I'm still down, not out, but down.  I'm still in avoidance mode, it seems to be working.  I've avoided the fact that my clothes are getting tight, I've avoided the fact that I'm finding it easy to say "no" to people who ask me to workout.  "I just can't" seems to be my phrase of choice.  I'm not even bothering to make up an excuse, I just can't.  I don't feel like I'm gorging myself, I'm not eating the best way I can, but I haven't gone off the deep end.  I was on a trip last week with middle schoolers and was at the mercy of some theme park eating, but I didn't go crazy.  I didn't feel well enough to each much most days.  I moved a lot last week, but it was harder to move.  My stomach has been pissed off for the last few weeks.  I've been pumping it full of caffeine and sugar to keep myself awake and eating at odd times of the day.  Not enough sleep and not enough water.  I don't blame my body for being pissed.  My legs swelled to size of tree trunks and I got a serious case of the heat rash on my legs while we were in Florida.  So most of my down time has been spent with my legs in the air above my heart to bring the swelling down to my normal size.  Ugh.  Tired of my ailments and complaints yet?  I am.

I have no one to blame but myself in this.  I made these choices, I dug this hole, only I can get myself out.  My man continues to do really well.  He hasn't given into his wallowing and temptation.  He is still eating well, I am cooking most of his "well" food and he is losing weight.  The difference is....I snack and I don't move.  He works out 5 days a week for over an hour and I'm a slug.  So what's the solution?  A cleanse?  Starvation?  Insanity workouts for 100 days straight?  Fat Camp?  Apply for the Biggest Loser?  Sleep for a month and hopefully wake up skinnier?  All seem tempting, pros, cons, craziness, logic....but nothing seems like it will work.

How do I break the crap food habit?  How do I break the snacker habit?  How come it's easy to say no to working out, but when people offer me food, I always say yes?  How do I break the roller coaster?  I think the answer to that question lies inside another question....How do you find perfect balance in life?  Uhhhhhh......you frickin don't!  How do I learn to put my health before the needs of others?  I feel like that is a question I will ask myself as long as I'm on this earth.  I feel heavy hearted by so many things and it makes my issues of fatness seem trivial.  There are such bigger issues in this life, in the life I have right in front of me without even addressing the global issues in this life.  I allow myself to be consumed by the these issues, these needs and I contemplate what I can do, what I NEED to do to help, to make things better.  I don't see what's bad about that, except that I stay fat, even get fatter.

How do I get ahead?  I help others move forward.  I'll do anything I can to help others succeed to make something of themselves.  I want that.  I want to move forward consistently, not feel like for every 1 step forward, I take 3 steps in backwards, sideways and diagonal.  I work three jobs, THREE jobs people.  I do this because I want a comfortable life, I want to be ahead, I want to do ALL the things I love at the same time.  I want to change lives, be an amazing chef, a real estate guru, the best friend, the dream wife, the best boss you've ever had....

I'm frustrated with myself.  Have you been there?  I'm sure you have.  I couldn't be happier with the work I'm doing to change lives.  I have been shown 100 fold lately how I am impacting lives and families.  It feels amazing.  I feel amazing inside my soul.  I feel amazing about my ability to love, my ability to walk with people through all aspects of their life.  I don't ever want to change that.  I always want to feel the change I am making in the lives of others.  But I'm still frustrated.

So....goals.  The least I can do at this point is make goals.  I'm not weighing in and sharing my failures at this point.  So I can share goals and then share when I succeed!  Right?  The power of positive thinking.

1)  Drink 3 of my giant starbucks cups full of water a day
2)  Move 3-4 times a week.  I was just gifted a bike.  I've contemplated seeing how long it takes to bike to work.
3)  Sleep 8 hours a night  (I'm bringing this goal back)
4)  Reduce my intake of sugar, caffeine and carbs

I need to do something.  I need to make myself a priority.

Day 101: Oh brother, where art thou

I've never seen that movie, but I do like me some George Clooney and I constantly ask where my brother is, why isn't he here?  I have been struggling...I wish that weren't the case.  I wish I had lots of funny anecdotes for you and stories about me peeing on towels in my bedroom.  Ok, that did happen, but I will have to give the story at another time, something for you to look forward to I'm sure.

I've been struggling, I've been sabotaging and I've been avoiding you.  I've been avoiding being honest with myself, with my failures and my setbacks.  I've been avoiding admitting to myself that I allow grief and stress to take me over, to take over my new healthy habits and my new routine.  Sadly, my old routine has taken over, not to the most extreme extent, but bad enough.  I feel stagnant, I feel stuck.  I wish I could say I don't want to eat crap, but right now, I do.  I need to WANT to stop sabotaging, to stop struggling.

I lost my brother 9 years ago this last Tuesday, I live in the grief and anguish of that reality every day of my life.  At times my grief overwhelms me, it causes me to fall down and not want to get back up.  I'm there right now.  I've fallen, I don't want to get back up.  Why?  Why should I?  More than anything I want to be pain free, I want to live a life free of all pain and sadness.  But I know that life doesn't exist here on earth, so what do I do?  I get up.  I have to, even if I don't want to.

Death is senseless at times, my brother's death was senseless, my friend's baby's death was senseless, my friends fathers death was senseless...there are so many examples of senseless death in this life.  God doesn't cause death, he doesn't want babies to die, he doesn't want sons, daughter, brothers, sisters, mothers or fathers to die.  He wants life, He gave us life.  I heard an amazing message this Easter Sunday.  The message was that the resurrection doesn't change the circumstances in our lives, it changes how we view the circumstances in our lives.  Bad things will continue to happen to good people, death will continue to happen, however senseless and unfair it may seem.  But that is not the end.  The worst thing that happened is never the last thing....  There is always something beyond the evil and the unjust.  You may never know how far off that thing is, but it's there.  You may continue to wail, to grieve, to curse, to fight, to ask why? for what seems like eternity...and you will never be alone in that.  I know that I am not alone in those times.  No amount of good things that happen will every completely wash away those wails, that grief, those questions.  My father describes it as a hole that is shaped like my brother, that now forever lives in our hearts.  Nothing can fill it, because nothing is my brother.  We seek to appease the hole with memories, by making choices and doing things in life that are characteristic of my brother, that are him.  The hole never fills...it just hurts less as our heart uses those around us to heal the edges of that hole, until we are "comfortable" living with it.

I'm struggling.  I've gained weight.  I want to get back up.  I want to.  I will.

I was hoping again to be a much different place at this point, but I'm not.  I have the ability to do all things under the sun, I have the ability to do this.  I will.  Have faith in me.  I need faith in myself.

Pain is hard, grief is hard...it causes us to wallow, to get lost.  Thank you to all of you who have loved me harder this week in the midst of my pain, you help heal the sides of my Bret Kyle sized hole.  Thank you for loving me, for loving him if you do.

The love of friends, the love of family, the love of my beloved Keystoners, my five new summer dresses and my two new pair of neon Nike's...it's gonna get me out of bed tomorrow.  It's going to help me start walking again, to start swimming again and to start eating well again.

I need to live the life Bret Kyle didn't get to.  I need to be Brave.  I will, I promise you, I will.

Day 90: Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Is that how you feel?  Have you missed me the past 13 days?  We passed the entire 80s in terms of days and went straight to 90.  Wow.  3 months have passed since the journey began and I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be, but thankfully, that was to be expected and I will take that for what it is and continue moving forward.  I know you all expected more from me and I expected more from myself at this point, but so much life has happened and that is the reality of this journey.  It's fricking hard!

Proud to report that the man and I did pretty good while we were gone.  We didn't OVER-indulge, but we did indulge a bit.  We did quite a bit of walking, but no "official" work outs were had as there wasn't time for them.  I slept a total of about 24 hours over the course of the 6 day trip and it was emotional and amazing at the same time.  I was so proud of my teens and all they put into the trip.  They were engaged and set an amazing precedent for their peers and their leadership was something I was very proud of.  I was definitely intaking a lot of caffeine in those 6 days as I predicted and I haven't come back down off of that intake level...yet.  My goal this week is to step back up my water intake and get back on track with working out.

I arrived back in town around midnight on Monday and spent the rest of the week trying to catch up from being gone.  It was a long week and I didn't get any extra sleep or extra time off, I went right back to work to get stuff done.  Took a few things off my list which felt good, but eating this week took a dive.  I didn't weigh in, I didn't make it to weight watchers and I didn't do a single workout.  Ugh.  I need to make myself a priority again.  I need to focus on focus on what I'm doing and turn the focus back on my body and my health.  I haven't given up, though I've been absent from the blog, so don't give up on me!  I need a plan for the next few weeks before I have to leave again.  I have exactly 14 days before I leave on another trip with kids where I will be set up to eat horribly once again.  So, it will be up to ME and ME ALONE to get myself on track before I leave so that the clothes I want to wear will fit while on the trip and so that my fat ass will fit on all the rides I want to go on with my kids.  This too will prove to be a week where there will be small amounts of sleep and lots of caffeine will be needed to stay functional.  I will need to hydrate and workout like a crazy woman in these next 14 days so that I can give myself a head start on this difficult week.

The emotional ride of my life has not stopped since my last post.  I have encountered more deep pain, grief and joy in the last two weeks.  I had the experiences I spoke of in my last post before I left on our trip.  There was more to follow. The emotions expressed and the experiences that were had in those 6 days were tremendous and they made my deep love for my teens grow even deeper if that is possible.  I was given the top honor at this BGCA teen conference.  I was named the Boys & Girls Clubs of America National Keystone Advisor of the Year.  This is a huge deal and not something I ever expected would happen to me.  I feel so incredibly blessed and share this award with my teens.  It truly is because of them that I get out of bed every day and the reason I work as hard as I do.  This was like someone giving me an award that says I do the best job and loving my teens and doing so much for them.  I would do it anyway, but the award felt amazing and I have spent the week reeling in the excitement.  It was a huge deal not only for me, but for our Club and for our County.  I feel so blessed to able to share this with them.

So because I'm awesome, I ate.  You all know how much I love to eat to celebrate myself.  I celebrated by eating all of my favorite foods this week.  All the more reason for me to get back on track.  I got back from this trip, spent the week working, catered a bridal shower yesterday and didn't really get any good rest or time to contemplate life until today.  We are headed into one of the busiest weeks we have a work, REGISTRATION for summer and school year.  Ahhhhh!  Crazy parents are on the rise and A LOT of organization and input into the computer.

All this aside, I need to focus on fruits, veggies, proteins, water and workouts.  I will be doing just that and looking for some support and inspiration.  So if you are on my workout list, we are ON this week.  My goal is do mainly cardio walking though. I don't know that I have funding or the time to get to the pool, so I will be walking as much as possible and throwing in some small weights and abs at home.

I hope to have some numbers to report next week....until then, revel in the glory of my shiny plaque.  I am normally fairly humble and have been caught off guard by the overwhelming excitement and accolades I have received from this award.  But damn it, I'm proud and if I was going to pat myself on the back, this would be the place.

Wishing my plaque came with magical weight loss pills....but it didn't.  Back to the journey...back to the grind.

Day 77: Over the river and through the woods

Let's get right to business!  I have been out of cell service and internet range for the last 3 days and had a hell of a week last week which is been my delay in updating you all.  I did weigh in, however it wasn't at my weight watchers meeting like I had planned, it was at home the following day.  Wednesday was one of the most emotional days I have had in a LONG time and a series of unexpected events kept me reeling all day long.

First things first...

Current Weight:  277.4
Weight Lost this Week: 4.2  (somewhere my calculations got off between my home scale and the scale at weight watcher, the reason being I weigh in with my clothes on at weight watchers and I weigh in my birthday suit at home :)  Anywho...The weight watchers scale told me I gained 3 pounds last week and then I weighed myself this week at home and I weighed 4.2 pounds less.  It means I lost the weight I gained and more.  This doesn't line up with my last weight posted on the blog, but I'm feeling good about it nonetheless.
Total Weight Loss:  16.4
Pounds to Go:  102.4

Well there you have it, still on my way back down.  Feeling good about being on track and now I just need to stay that way.  This week hasn't been ideal, but my body has been doing well at telling me what it likes and what it doesn't like.  I took a group of teens up to cabin for a weekend retreat and I ate a lot of things I loved to eat in high school.  I made them tons of treats and lots of decadent meals.  My body was PISSED, at one point I actually had a violent vomit episode.  I went to bed because I was tired and still fighting a nasty cough and cold and my body woke me up to rid itself of the crap I had eaten that day.  I don't enjoy the vomit.  I like eating food and keeping it down, but I think my body was trying to tell me something.  Enough is enough.

I leave tomorrow night for a 6 day trip with more amazing teens and we will be on the road, which means eating out for every meal or eating what is provided at our conference.  I get nervous about that, the best part about this trip is that I have my man by my side.  He has been on a healthy journey as well since his colon cleanse and he has of course had huge success in a small amount of time.  Another plight for women, men losing weight faster and easier, SUCK IT!  Seriously, it's not fair.  BUT, the good thing is he is supportive and we have been talking about how we are going to stay on track and not just go nuts so that we come back bigger than when we left.  The bad part about this trip is going to be that the lack of sleep with be severe, maybe 4-5 a night if we are lucky.  So, caffeine will undoubtedly be on the rise and that's not something I get excited about.  We will keep pushing down the water, but the caffeine will be necessary for being a functioning human being.  This is one of my favorite trips that I take every year.  These teens are my life, they are the reason I get up every morning and do the things I do and the reason I work myself to the bone, so that I can give myself to them.

Never more has this been true than in this last week.  These have been some of the most emotional days I have had in this job.  Watching my teens struggle, seeing the pain of life be revealed in someone who has never allowed themselves to feel, is amazing and horrific at the same time.  The things I have heard and the things I have felt this last week will change me forever.  The Lord has shown me why He put me where I am today.  He has used the pain in my life for good.  He has used my life experiences to prepare me for the things I am experiencing now.  I seek to love, to love others I want to be loved.  I love my "kids" at the Club the way I want to be loved, unconditionally.  I tell them constantly that I love them, no matter what.  That I love them regardless of the choices they make and I will support who they are as a person.  I may not always agree with what they do, but I will love them regardless.  I have seen that come full circle many times, but none more real than the situation I had last week and one I had last year as well.  I will continue to love the way I am loved.  It's amazing....try it.

Pain is real, love is real, this journey is real.  I want to get back to my weight loss.  I feel like there is so much more to share and I will continue.  I am at one of those points in life right now where I wonder why the Lord has so much faith in my strength and abilities, cause I'm feeling at the end of my rope right now.  I know I am being loved and supported....but it doesn't make it easier.

I don't want to be fat forever...let's work on that.