Quilted Queen

In the quiet hours of the morning she holds him, she strokes his head, she whispers to him "you're my sweetie".

"I love you so much...you led a good life...a long good life...you have always been so good to me".

Tears stream down his face, he shows her he hears her, she returns the sentiment with tears on her own cheeks.  "You're crying, we will cry together."  So softly she sobs as she nuzzles her head into his blanket covered chest.  She looks like a queen in her quilted down bathrobe.  So tender a moment between a queen and her king.  He is able to pucker slightly and kiss her softly.  It eases his pain when she is near.  In a room filled with his children, remembering...laughing, his eyes search for her.  He is at peace when she is near.

His blue eyes seek to speak into your soul when you share a moment with him.  He opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out.  His eyes do all the talking and his emotions are on his face.  A slight curl at the corner of his mouth, shows a smile.  What a deep blue sea of love in those eyes.  "You don't need to say anything dad, we know what you want to say...we feel the same way."  "We love you dad."

He continues to hold on.  Spending a restless night I watched him sleep.  In the wee hours of the morning, he awoke.  Quietly I came to his side, "hi grandpa, I love you."  "Chris and Jess wish they could be here, but know they love you...so much."  "Brooke and Justin love you to grandpa."  We hold hands, he moves his mouth to let me know he needs moisture.  I grab his swab and some fresh mint water and he responds with eager eyes.  We share moments together and I can sense his pain.  The liquid pain relief sets in and we sit together, holding hands and stroking his tender scalp.  He falls back into a labored slumber.

Early morning coffee and tears.  "It's ok honey, you can go if you're ready", "You're work here is done."  All his children surround him, his queen at his side.  "Dad there are some great people waiting for you.  Grandma and Grandpa, your sister and Bret Kyle.  They can't wait to see you dad."

Laughter, tears and sibling love fill the day.  Joking, poking, reminiscing...  Some head to bed, others stay by his side.  Sleep is optional at a time like this, even when you seek it, rarely does it come easily.
He holds on still.  We allow life to enter the space, looking at old photos, reliving memories.  He rests peacefully while his children enjoy each others presence.  They toast, he prays.

"I think Bret Kyle will be the one meeting him at the gate".

"You have worked so hard Dad, you deserve peace, it's time to rest."

81 years of life, 58 years of marriage.  He continues to hold on.  He wants to make sure she is taken care of.  "We're gonna take care of each other dad, you don't have to worry."  His children stand watch at his bedside.

So much love, so many memories, so many lives changed.  He was a son, a husband, a father, a coach, a school teacher, a brother, a veteran, a grandfather and a friend.

A king to his queen, serving alongside her for 58 years.

December 8th as dad and I are at his side, he takes his last breath.

We love you grandpa.

27 things I remember about you...

1.  I remember the day you were born, in our matching gowns we held you.

2.  I remember the ditch in the backyard where you played ninja turtles with Chris.

3.  I remember your stick straight blonde hair, that didn't last long.

4.  I remember watching you play hockey for 11 years.

5.  I remember getting dressed up in our red and gold best to watch Chris play football, then you doing the same.

6.  I remember taping homemade episodes of jerry springer while mom and dad were at hockey games.

7.  I remember when you got Nick for christmas, how special your relationship was.

8.  I remember when your hair got curly, such a proud moment for me.

9.  I remember when we all rode bikes together as kids, wearing our interchangeable homemade helmet 'skins'.

10.  I remember the countless number of VW shows we went to, fueling our fire and love for our cars.

11.  I remember watching you play baseball and eating frito banditos.

12.  I remember every camping trip we ever went on, those were the best.

13.  I remember hours spent jumping on the trampoline.

14.  I remember when the acres behind the big blue church were just dirt, no school, no development, just a wide expanse of dirt jumps for our bikes.

15.  I remember going to Betty's, swimming lessons, bologna sandwiches and always fun.

16.  I remember shopping at St. Vincent de Paul for your church camp theme outfits.

17.  I remember how much you loved spending time with your cousin Justin.

18.  I remember swinging on grandpas tree swing and cardboard slides down the tall grass.

19.  I remember..."BK, you TURKEY!"

20.  I remember touring around Seattle, pictures at the troll, gasworks and cap hill.

21.  I remember the day you left us like it was yesterday.

22.  I remember how you showed me how to channel my pain into loving teens.

23.  I remember how I've felt you laughing every time I've pooped my pants in the last 10 years.

24.  I remember how much my heart has ached daily when I think about how much I miss you.

25.  I remember all the times you have shown your face over the last 10 years, always when I least expect it and in the most flagrant of ways.

26.  I remember how much you make me laugh and how you remind me to not worry about what other people think.

27.  I remember how beautiful your 16 years of life were.

Happy 27th Birthday Bret Kyle.  You bring me life and love.

Crashing waves

Dreams are up in the air.  They are hanging in the moment, some waiting for a few dollars to come true, others waiting for strong will and commitment to carry on.  I have dreams, dreams of owning my own business (slightly bigger than my current one), dreams of creating the body that will carry me long in life, dreams of being the best wife, mother, daughter, mentor, friend.   Hoping and working in faith towards these goals.  Some progress rapidly towards success, others crash in and out like the waves, their importance as fleeting as sunshine on the northwest coast.

My weight is a ship that is out to sea, I watch it travel closer to shore, further out, but it is always within sight.  It's waiting for me to signal it in, to jump aboard and sail it to it's final destination.  Right now, this girl is feeling like anything BUT a sailor.  Right now I'm hanging out on my floaty near shore.  When I pop the floaty, it might be time to signal the flare gun for the ship to come in.  But right now, I'm enjoying my floaty.  It's green, in the shape of a sea turtle and very comfortable.

Dreams are what I'm focusing on.  The big dream, one that could change the course of my life.  I've been committed to something for ten years, a DECADE of changing lives.  What would happen if I moved on, if I followed a dream?  It's scary, scary as shit to be exact.  I'm a bold woman, I take risks, but more often than not, I can predict to some extent an outcome, so it's easier to jump in.  This risk is all me, I'm asking other people to take a chance on me, to believe in the dream and vision that I have rolling around in my mind and my heart.  I believe it, but will they?  I have the support and love of my family, my friends.  It's good to feel others connect with your dream.  So much is hanging in the balance.

I'm so thankful for what I have, for what I have experienced, for the life I have been gifted with.  I know that I could continue to feel blessed, loved and successful if I stay where I am.  I know the potential is endless for what I could accomplish...but is it where I'm supposed to be?

I promised....

I promised you that I would always be happy.  That I would live a life full of joy.  That if I ever found myself unhappy, that if I ever awoke from my nightly slumber and dreaded what my life had become, I would walk away.  I would chose otherwise.  I promised you that.

My heart is heavy, my body is stagnant, my tears are drowning.  I miss you so.

I don't want to say that I have broken that promise, but I'm getting close.  The days where I dread getting up and facing the life ahead of me have surfaced more times than I can count.  I want to change it, I need to change it.  I can say that I am so thankful to have family and friends that are family...who make the negative feel like something I can endure.  But I'm beginning to question...do I have the stamina, do I have the strength, do I have the heart?

I don't know.

I am in a state of confusion, a state of suffering, I'm grieving.  What I have loved and known is lost.  How do I rebuild?  How do I walk away?  Where do I go?  What do I do?  How do I find the same fulfillment in something different?

I have been called to love.  To love teens, to love food, to love serving, to love giving.  When is enough, enough?  I cannot do those things on an empty tank.  What used to fill me, now drains me.  It's never the work or the kids, it's the environment, the process and at times...the people, the adults, those that should know better.

I need a focus shift, a momentum shift.

I promised you that I would always be happy.  That I would live a life full of joy.

Seeking Joy...

The perpetual marathon...lacing up my neon Nikes.

I'm running...figuratively, not physically, a never ending race.  To a finish line that I can't see, nor am I sure exactly what it looks like.  I'm running, I'm flailing, I'm dragging, I'm climbing, I'm crawling...at least I'm moving?

It has come into question the last few months, my idea of priority.  What are my priorities?  Are they where they should be?  Do I value work over family?  Do I value food over health?  Do I value business over friendship?  It's not easy to be questioned and it's even harder to ask yourself this questions.  It's equally as difficult to come to a conclusion and then attempt to defend your choices to the ones you love.

I have a psychotic type of work ethic.  I give things 110%, if I can't give that much, to me it's half assed and I won't do it.  I commit, some may say OVER commit.  Ok....I'll say it....I OVER COMMIT!  My commitments aren't trivial and loose though, they are meaningful and close to my heart.  My priorities are my values, my priorities are my people.  I value loyalty, I value awareness, I value life, I value happiness, I value truth, I value real relationships, I value hard work.  All of these come it to play when I evaluated my priorities.  What I spend my time doing, is what I value, what I see purpose in.  I happen to be lucky enough to LOVE what I do.  I get to come to work everyday and make a difference.  It may not always be noticeable and in your face, but I am doing what I was made to do.

More recently what I do has become more political and difficult to deal with, which has been unbelievably frustrating.  I have had to deal with new roles, new work ethics and attempting to figure out other peoples priorities when it comes to what we do.  Much of it has been sad, frustrating and down right pisses me off.  What I do, what we do...is people, it's kids, tweens, teens and young staff.  The development of young people.  So when your PERSONAL priorities become more important than the "job", I lose respect for you and what you think you are doing.  I'm over here busting my chops, giving my 110% and when I look at you I see 75%.  So compared to that, I look like a total psychotic over worked madwoman.

Whew...rant.

My work ethic is mine.  I will own that it's a bit over the top.  But it's me.  I want to squeeze the most out of every day.  Who knows how many I have left?  I do things I love, with people I love.

One thing I have come to realize...and believe me, it's still a FAT struggle for me right now.  It's that I can't expect the same thing out of others that I expect out of myself.  Most days that's hard to chew and I can almost never swallow it.  I was brought up to believe in living life to the fullest, never letting a moment pass you by.  Carpe Diem!

Just yesterday I enjoyed a meal with a former teen and a current teen.  We shared laughter, dreams, hopes, questions and some great chinese food.  What do you want to do with your life?  What makes you happy?  Why are my parents pushing towards a career because it's financially going to take care of me?  Why can't I choose what will make me happy...bring me joy?  Dinner last night took me back to the day Bret died.  The decisions I made in that day, those weeks afterwards.  I was never going to do anything in my life that didn't make me happy.  If I ever woke up and hated what I was doing, I would walk away in an instant.  It's not worth it.

Did I work 100 hours last week, yes, yes I did (literally 100 hours)?!  Was I exhausted? Yes.  Was I bitchy? Yes.  Was I completely overworked and under appreciated?  Yes.

Was it worth it?.....

You're damn right it was.  It was totally and utterly worth it.  To me it's worth it.  To walk alongside those teens, those staff...to not ask them to do anything I wouldn't do myself.  That's the Mustache Man way.  I won't have it any other way.  Some of our best times together are sifting through tons of seafood trash and emptying a truck full of cardboard into the recycle bin at the dump.  Those are the life changing moments.  They bring the most laughter, tears, joy and pain.

So do I work too much?  Yes.  Do I take enough time for myself?  No.

I need to take better care of myself.  I need to BALANCE my priorities a bit more.  I need to delegate more.  I also need to dream more and step out in faith more.  I need to do crazy things.  I need to dump some baggage and FAT off my body.  It'll come...I'll get there...

Walk a minute, walk a mile, walk this perpetual marathon WITH me and you will see what I mean.  You will see my priorities, you will see my values and you most definitely will see my work ethic.  You will also see joy, happiness, laughter, tears, pain and unwaivering love.  You will see that all things are where they should be.  I will keep asking questions, you will keep asking questions.  It's necessary, it challenges me.  I love a good challenge.

What day is it? I lost count.

It's been months...though at times it feels like eternity.  Months since I've been honest in the open of the "universe".  I've been honest in my circle, open it my heart.  It's rough though...when you are going through IT, to be real with everyone.  Admitting failure is difficult, admitting you were purposely blind to things that weren't good for you because it was more convenient.  Embarrassing.  I had to say NO, which isn't a word I use very often.  I am a doer, a yes woman.  I can take it all on, I can do it all and more often than not, I can probably do it better than you.  So when that isn't true, I pretend like it is.  Like I have control over it, like I "wanted" it this way.  Create some bull shit about how it's healthy and we are working and I am going through a phase and I can change if I want to.  NO.  NO.  NO.  That's a lie.  I wasn't happy, things weren't good.  So...I said NO.  And guess what...shit got real.  Things got multitudes worse and I struggled.  But NO came easy, which made me know it was right.

Now...things are better.  I can still say NO, but only when I need to.  We are working, things are better and it's what I want.  Rarely am I worried about myself or more importantly what is best for me.  I make sure everyone else is taken care of.  We know this about me, it's at the heart of my story.  So it's taking time to get the rest of my life in line so that all versions of myself are healthy and that my life is supporting me, not dragging me down.

My support system is doing a better job at taking care of me, but I am struggling to get myself on board with it.  I slipped, again, I fell again.  Weight is back.  Hope is not lost.  I have quite a few plans for myself and for my body.  I just need to get those plans into action and I need to get my brain to cooperate with my heart.  My priorities during the summer always stray away from....ME.  My priorities are my kids, my teens and my club.  The summer started out with stress knifing me in the stomach...literally.  It has begun to ease and I have been able to think a bit more about where I am going, what I am doing.

I'm not sure if where I am right now is completely where I should be.  In terms of my body and health, I know it's not.  But in terms of my talents and where I choose to share them, I'm at a crossroads.  Things need to shape up or I may ship out.  So much unhappiness has consumed what I love so dear.  Things need to change.

I'm working on it folks.

Day 425: It never leaves us...

I am no stranger to grief.  It has enveloped my life over the last 10 years.  It comes in waves, crashing and drowning me out.  My pastor once explained it me like this... 'Grief never leaves us.  At the initial loss, grief is overwhelming, it consumes us, it grabs hold of us and we in our state of desperation DON'T WANT to let it go.  We wail, we scream, we curse.  We fear that if we let it go, we let the person or the situation go with it.  That is simply not true.  Grief is always with us.  What happens as time goes on is the periods of time where it consumes us become further and further from each other.  Grief is a part of you.'

I love my grief.  At times it is so painful that I want to smash it into the ground, into hell from which it came.  But then I realize, that not only does the period of consumption separate itself further as time passes, but when it returns, also with it comes joy...periods of intense joy and happiness of memory or futuristic thinking.  It is in those moments where I say...I love you grief.  Thank you for bringing me tears, for bringing me memories, for bringing me healing.  Without those all consuming periods of grief, I would never be able to gauge how far I have come.  How these people and situations have made me grow...stretched me...changed me...loved me.

Death is hard...that is where my grief resides mostly...in death.  Death is hard when you leave us at 16.  Death is hard when you leave us at 78.  Death is hard when you leave us at 29.  Death is hard when you choose to leave.  Death is hard when you are diagnosed with a terminal illness.  Death is hard when your body fails you at a young age.  No one of these situations feels peaceful, feels positive.

Today in the midst of grief I found myself saying..."Why do you think I'm so strong?  Why do you think that you can continue to pile this shit on top of me and I'll make it through?  Why do you have so much faith in me...I don't?!"

This past week as I have seen death, seen it lowered into the ground and as I reach news of impending death...I have felt jealous.  I have been slow to admit that, to verbalize it.  The crazy fat girl wants to die.  It's not necessarily that I want to die, I'm just so jealous of those passing on...pain free world they are stepping into...hugging, seeing, laughing and spending eternity with my Bret Kyle.  Lucky SOBs.  At the same time...wanting those people here...don't die, we have more to do here.  That's what keeps me here, keeps me grieving, keeps me loving.  Knowing that I must not be done.

I have been experiencing some extreme situational grief as well.  This isn't grief I want, it can be taken from me at any time and it is not something I want to walk around with constantly.  This grief is ugly, it is painful...there is no joy in sight.  I find myself protecting others against it.  I shield those I love from having to deal with it.  I am big, I can carry more.  At times I remember why I am so overweight...because there are greater spaces in my body to carry the burdens of others, to love deeply for others.  At times I love that about myself and thus love my fat...and I don't want to let it go.  I've been having one of those weeks, where I struggle between the newer healthier me and the older large capacity "super sized" version of me.  I have made lots of good choices and quite a few bad ones... but in the end I know who will win and it's not a 20 piece chicken nugget.  I know what champion sized me is supposed to be... and no matter how big or small my body is... my heart will always stay the same size.

Other days I wish I was a bear...so I could hibernate...for years upon end.  But the food is better on the human side of things...so I stay here.