I am no stranger to grief. It has enveloped my life over the last 10 years. It comes in waves, crashing and drowning me out. My pastor once explained it me like this... 'Grief never leaves us. At the initial loss, grief is overwhelming, it consumes us, it grabs hold of us and we in our state of desperation DON'T WANT to let it go. We wail, we scream, we curse. We fear that if we let it go, we let the person or the situation go with it. That is simply not true. Grief is always with us. What happens as time goes on is the periods of time where it consumes us become further and further from each other. Grief is a part of you.'
I love my grief. At times it is so painful that I want to smash it into the ground, into hell from which it came. But then I realize, that not only does the period of consumption separate itself further as time passes, but when it returns, also with it comes joy...periods of intense joy and happiness of memory or futuristic thinking. It is in those moments where I say...I love you grief. Thank you for bringing me tears, for bringing me memories, for bringing me healing. Without those all consuming periods of grief, I would never be able to gauge how far I have come. How these people and situations have made me grow...stretched me...changed me...loved me.
Death is hard...that is where my grief resides mostly...in death. Death is hard when you leave us at 16. Death is hard when you leave us at 78. Death is hard when you leave us at 29. Death is hard when you choose to leave. Death is hard when you are diagnosed with a terminal illness. Death is hard when your body fails you at a young age. No one of these situations feels peaceful, feels positive.
Today in the midst of grief I found myself saying..."Why do you think I'm so strong? Why do you think that you can continue to pile this shit on top of me and I'll make it through? Why do you have so much faith in me...I don't?!"
This past week as I have seen death, seen it lowered into the ground and as I reach news of impending death...I have felt jealous. I have been slow to admit that, to verbalize it. The crazy fat girl wants to die. It's not necessarily that I want to die, I'm just so jealous of those passing on...pain free world they are stepping into...hugging, seeing, laughing and spending eternity with my Bret Kyle. Lucky SOBs. At the same time...wanting those people here...don't die, we have more to do here. That's what keeps me here, keeps me grieving, keeps me loving. Knowing that I must not be done.
I have been experiencing some extreme situational grief as well. This isn't grief I want, it can be taken from me at any time and it is not something I want to walk around with constantly. This grief is ugly, it is painful...there is no joy in sight. I find myself protecting others against it. I shield those I love from having to deal with it. I am big, I can carry more. At times I remember why I am so overweight...because there are greater spaces in my body to carry the burdens of others, to love deeply for others. At times I love that about myself and thus love my fat...and I don't want to let it go. I've been having one of those weeks, where I struggle between the newer healthier me and the older large capacity "super sized" version of me. I have made lots of good choices and quite a few bad ones... but in the end I know who will win and it's not a 20 piece chicken nugget. I know what champion sized me is supposed to be... and no matter how big or small my body is... my heart will always stay the same size.
Other days I wish I was a bear...so I could hibernate...for years upon end. But the food is better on the human side of things...so I stay here.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
Day 414: Sitting with the positive
That's what I'm doing today, sitting with the positive, reveling in my success. Please don't remind me that I have difficult decisions to make. Please don't remind me that I have serious life issues to sort through, to evaluate, to conclude. I need to sit, to hang out with my positive side, my kick ass side. Today....I weighed in. Today...the scale was nice to me. Today...my hard work paid off. Today....I lost a pre-schooler. When I lose weight, I like to equal it with some real life picture of what that looks like. So, after weighing in today, I texted a good friend to ask her how much her daughter weighed and she said...31 pounds! YES! Victory! I lost a pre-school aged little girl off of my body. It's amazing to look at her and realize I was lugging that around all the time.
So...where am I at. Let's get you the facts, the 411.
Starting weight before Halloween 2012: 303 pounds (ugh, don't remind me)
Weight right before Christmas: 283 (wahoo, 20 pounds gone!)
Weight mid-January: 290 (that's how quickly I have the ability to gain weight...impressed?)
Weight today: 273!!
So here I sit reveling in my positivity. Basking in the glory of the amount of "likes" I get when I post this success on Facebook. Good job ME! Thank you Advocare! Finally I feel like I have a handle, finally I feel like I have grasped success...I never want to let go and I never want to look back.
My health and my weight have always been the part of me that was holding on, never allowing me to take control of it. It was the part of me that felt like a cancerous tumor. The part I couldn't get a handle on, I couldn't heal it no matter what I did. This time it's different....like really different. Not like all those other times "it was different", if that make sense. Finally having a hold of this, finally having a handle on this is causing me to engage and reflect on the other parts of my life.
Is it good enough?
Is this what I want for the rest of my life?
Is this the best thing for me?
Am I settling for less than the best?
Am I settling for what is good enough?
Do I deserve more?
Are my skills being utilized to their fullest potential?
Can I see this me being happy 10 more years down the road?
What do I want out of this life?
I'm at a crossroads. Transition has been at the fore front of my life the last 5 months. Everything is in transition. Transition is hard, transition likes to beat at you until it hopes you fall down, transition is often not your choice, transition has the ability to create pain and joy.
More transition is coming...some slowly...some more quickly. I don't have it all figured out yet, but it's coming.
I lost a pre-schooler today!
For now, I sit...with the positive.
So...where am I at. Let's get you the facts, the 411.
Starting weight before Halloween 2012: 303 pounds (ugh, don't remind me)
Weight right before Christmas: 283 (wahoo, 20 pounds gone!)
Weight mid-January: 290 (that's how quickly I have the ability to gain weight...impressed?)
Weight today: 273!!
So here I sit reveling in my positivity. Basking in the glory of the amount of "likes" I get when I post this success on Facebook. Good job ME! Thank you Advocare! Finally I feel like I have a handle, finally I feel like I have grasped success...I never want to let go and I never want to look back.
My health and my weight have always been the part of me that was holding on, never allowing me to take control of it. It was the part of me that felt like a cancerous tumor. The part I couldn't get a handle on, I couldn't heal it no matter what I did. This time it's different....like really different. Not like all those other times "it was different", if that make sense. Finally having a hold of this, finally having a handle on this is causing me to engage and reflect on the other parts of my life.
Is it good enough?
Is this what I want for the rest of my life?
Is this the best thing for me?
Am I settling for less than the best?
Am I settling for what is good enough?
Do I deserve more?
Are my skills being utilized to their fullest potential?
Can I see this me being happy 10 more years down the road?
What do I want out of this life?
I'm at a crossroads. Transition has been at the fore front of my life the last 5 months. Everything is in transition. Transition is hard, transition likes to beat at you until it hopes you fall down, transition is often not your choice, transition has the ability to create pain and joy.
More transition is coming...some slowly...some more quickly. I don't have it all figured out yet, but it's coming.
I lost a pre-schooler today!
For now, I sit...with the positive.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Day 400: Who do you think you are?
Today I feel like a raging bull! Who do you think you are? You think you know me? You think you've walked a mile in my shoes? You think just because you see me on a regular basis means you know me and make judgements about my life or how it is lived? I'm steaming...attempting to keep my charging bull latched safely behind the fence.
These were my thoughts two days ago...on day 398. I started this post and then decided to step away...thank you for light applause you are all giving me on that one. I took the high road, attempted to calm the pissed off cow inside of me and deal with the situation instead of ripping someone apart via fat ladies blog. I succeeded...feel free to applause again. I confronted the demon and what do you know???, I came out the victor. My feels, my views, my requests and my way...won. Why? Because I was more reasonable, I used my 'oh wise fat girl wisdom' to argue my case and to allow the other person to feel like they were validated and a part of the decision too.
Validation is huge. I have this amazing friend...I may have mentioned her a few times before :)...and validation is one of our favorite and most healing practices. Have you ever needed validation and it never came? It blows. It's like someone telling you how you feel doesn't matter. That what you've been through isn't as important as what they've experienced. Or that somehow you deserved it or didn't deserve it. They look at you like "buck up Barbie", "that's your problem", "nobody can make you feel anything, you are in charge of your own feelings". All of those comments, all of those responses...when it comes down to it...are complete bullshit. They are ways for us to keep our distance, to judge people at their face value, to stay on the surface...where it's easier to ignore, deflect and make excuses.
Validation is real. To be able to validate someone's feelings, I mean TRULY validate them...means you are willing to go deep, to reach to the equally beautiful and hideous parts of you that live in the depths...bringing them to the surface. Using those parts of you to RELATE...to EMPATHIZE...to GRIEVE...to LAUGH...to CRY...to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY...to VALIDATE. No two experiences are ever alike...we can never say in good and honest faith that "we know EXACTLY how someone feels". You can't, it's impossible. Because no two people operate exactly the same way. We all bring a history, a story a lifetime of experiences to the table. It's what you do with those that make you REAL. Are you willing to be real, to go deep, to walk a marathon in their shoes. You don't even have to walk in their shoes, you can lace up your own and walk with them.
You don't know what it's like to be fat your whole life. You don't know what it's like to be bullied and treated like an outsider throughout your adolescence and teen years because you're fat. You don't know what it's like to to have your brother take his own life when he was 16 and you were a senior in college. You don't know what it's like to live in that grief everyday when you wake up. You don't know what it's like to have a Bret Kyle sized whole in your heart. You don't know what it's like to use food as a coping mechanism for all of those negative life experiences. To get yourself up to 303 pounds and wonder how the HELL you let yourself get like that.
You know what...that's ok. I don't expect you to know what that's like. That's my story. Is that my whole story? No. Did a lot of amazingly positive, spectacular, miraculous things happen in my life over the last 31 years...YES! Do I overlook those good things and constantly dwell on the shitty cards I've been dealt? No. Do I revisit those difficult experiences regularly? Yes. For a variety of reasons. To glean lessons, to seek healing, to seek reconciliation, to remember, to love, to grieve, to honor, to share, to relate....to validate.
I'm not fat because I'm a glutton, because I'm greedy or because I don't care about my health. Don't get me wrong, I frickin LOVE food. I'm fat because subconsciously my inner self tells me I'll feel better when I'm down, if I eat. You know what's great about this journey...is that sometimes I still allow that to be true and to be ok. Which is why at day 400 of this journey, I'm still only down 22 pounds from that starting point of 303. And when I started day 1, I wasn't 303, I was still chilling out in the extremely high 200s. I don't regret that. So I've succeeded, I've failed, I've resorted to old coping mechanisms. But my inner self won't change over night. If I could change my inner self over night, this journey would have been over long ago, I'd be at my healthy goal.
My inner Alison is changing, she is seeking, she is stretching, she is sharing, she is healing, she is changing. She is still recognizing where she's been, she is validating the young Alison, she is validating the current Alison and she is seeking support and love for the new Alison.
I'm healing the fat girl inside of me...so I can be the healthy woman I know I am inside and out.
Learn how to validate...learn how to seek validation...surround yourself with depth, with real people.
These were my thoughts two days ago...on day 398. I started this post and then decided to step away...thank you for light applause you are all giving me on that one. I took the high road, attempted to calm the pissed off cow inside of me and deal with the situation instead of ripping someone apart via fat ladies blog. I succeeded...feel free to applause again. I confronted the demon and what do you know???, I came out the victor. My feels, my views, my requests and my way...won. Why? Because I was more reasonable, I used my 'oh wise fat girl wisdom' to argue my case and to allow the other person to feel like they were validated and a part of the decision too.
Validation is huge. I have this amazing friend...I may have mentioned her a few times before :)...and validation is one of our favorite and most healing practices. Have you ever needed validation and it never came? It blows. It's like someone telling you how you feel doesn't matter. That what you've been through isn't as important as what they've experienced. Or that somehow you deserved it or didn't deserve it. They look at you like "buck up Barbie", "that's your problem", "nobody can make you feel anything, you are in charge of your own feelings". All of those comments, all of those responses...when it comes down to it...are complete bullshit. They are ways for us to keep our distance, to judge people at their face value, to stay on the surface...where it's easier to ignore, deflect and make excuses.
Validation is real. To be able to validate someone's feelings, I mean TRULY validate them...means you are willing to go deep, to reach to the equally beautiful and hideous parts of you that live in the depths...bringing them to the surface. Using those parts of you to RELATE...to EMPATHIZE...to GRIEVE...to LAUGH...to CRY...to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY...to VALIDATE. No two experiences are ever alike...we can never say in good and honest faith that "we know EXACTLY how someone feels". You can't, it's impossible. Because no two people operate exactly the same way. We all bring a history, a story a lifetime of experiences to the table. It's what you do with those that make you REAL. Are you willing to be real, to go deep, to walk a marathon in their shoes. You don't even have to walk in their shoes, you can lace up your own and walk with them.
You don't know what it's like to be fat your whole life. You don't know what it's like to be bullied and treated like an outsider throughout your adolescence and teen years because you're fat. You don't know what it's like to to have your brother take his own life when he was 16 and you were a senior in college. You don't know what it's like to live in that grief everyday when you wake up. You don't know what it's like to have a Bret Kyle sized whole in your heart. You don't know what it's like to use food as a coping mechanism for all of those negative life experiences. To get yourself up to 303 pounds and wonder how the HELL you let yourself get like that.
You know what...that's ok. I don't expect you to know what that's like. That's my story. Is that my whole story? No. Did a lot of amazingly positive, spectacular, miraculous things happen in my life over the last 31 years...YES! Do I overlook those good things and constantly dwell on the shitty cards I've been dealt? No. Do I revisit those difficult experiences regularly? Yes. For a variety of reasons. To glean lessons, to seek healing, to seek reconciliation, to remember, to love, to grieve, to honor, to share, to relate....to validate.
I'm not fat because I'm a glutton, because I'm greedy or because I don't care about my health. Don't get me wrong, I frickin LOVE food. I'm fat because subconsciously my inner self tells me I'll feel better when I'm down, if I eat. You know what's great about this journey...is that sometimes I still allow that to be true and to be ok. Which is why at day 400 of this journey, I'm still only down 22 pounds from that starting point of 303. And when I started day 1, I wasn't 303, I was still chilling out in the extremely high 200s. I don't regret that. So I've succeeded, I've failed, I've resorted to old coping mechanisms. But my inner self won't change over night. If I could change my inner self over night, this journey would have been over long ago, I'd be at my healthy goal.
My inner Alison is changing, she is seeking, she is stretching, she is sharing, she is healing, she is changing. She is still recognizing where she's been, she is validating the young Alison, she is validating the current Alison and she is seeking support and love for the new Alison.
I'm healing the fat girl inside of me...so I can be the healthy woman I know I am inside and out.
Learn how to validate...learn how to seek validation...surround yourself with depth, with real people.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Day 397: Heights of Heaven, Depths of Hell
I'm low...to the ground...under the ground, feeling the warmth of what is possibly the earths core or perhaps the depths of hell. I don't like this place. My desire is not to live here...to not dwell here for too long. Why I'm here feels a bit of a mystery to me...I can't put my finger on any one thing that is bringing me here, dragging me here. My desire is to not leave until I know why I'm here.
I feel positive about quite a few things in life right now. I'm am working myself into a frenzy with my health. I am on a second round of a 24 Day Challenge and I've been sticking to my nutrition and my meal plan. It's been amazing to be able to share my results, to share my success and to watch others succeed. To watch my family take control and take charge of their health. To see pain disappear...to see old habits die quickly...I am feeling so hopeful for the health of our family.
Meal planning these last few months has been a key to my success. Writing out my meals, preparing them in advance has set me up to make good choices, has allowed me to say no and to avoid 'free eating'. I'm eating with a purpose. The purpose is to feed my body, to supply it with the nutrients it needs to survive. I've been prepping all of my food for an entire week in one day. It eliminates all of the excuses and I'm having a lot of fun converting my favorite recipes so that they fit into my plan. I'm allowing myself indulgences, but for the first time in my life...I feel like I am in control of those indulgences. I'm not indulging at the first sign of a bad day, to participate in eating rituals or to soothe myself. I can honestly say that today was a rough day, it was an emotional day, I shared a lot of my load today in hopes that someone can help lift the burden I am carrying for others...and I'm nervous. So my instinct right now as I'm writing is this is wrestling in my head with my 'self-soother' to convince me that I deserve to stop at the Buck tomorrow and treat myself to a carmel macchiato. NO, I don't need that. I will be just fine with my veggie egg bake for breakfast, I don't need that yummy dairy laden drink. I feel like I've pretty much convinced myself in the opposite direction and I will continue to fight that urge until I'm past the 3 Bucks I pass on the way to work.
I've been engaging my physical body, not it the most strenuous of workouts, but I have been walking...lots of miles at a time. It feels good. My body feels tired, exhausted. I want to push it, I desire more muscle. I have the tools, but I need to push, push past what is comfortable.
I found myself an amazing crew of friends who want to engage with meal prep with me, which makes it even easier to move forward and keep going. Knowing my family is working just as hard continues to spur me on to do and be my very best. Tomorrow is weigh in day, the end of day 10 and I can't wait to post my results.
What's ironic, is most of my life, when I have positive news to report or exciting things happening, rarely does it have to do with my health or my weight. Yet here is where I sit, with that very topic as the positive drive that's pulling me out of bed every morning.
So why am I here...wallowing in the depths...
I feel positive about quite a few things in life right now. I'm am working myself into a frenzy with my health. I am on a second round of a 24 Day Challenge and I've been sticking to my nutrition and my meal plan. It's been amazing to be able to share my results, to share my success and to watch others succeed. To watch my family take control and take charge of their health. To see pain disappear...to see old habits die quickly...I am feeling so hopeful for the health of our family.
Meal planning these last few months has been a key to my success. Writing out my meals, preparing them in advance has set me up to make good choices, has allowed me to say no and to avoid 'free eating'. I'm eating with a purpose. The purpose is to feed my body, to supply it with the nutrients it needs to survive. I've been prepping all of my food for an entire week in one day. It eliminates all of the excuses and I'm having a lot of fun converting my favorite recipes so that they fit into my plan. I'm allowing myself indulgences, but for the first time in my life...I feel like I am in control of those indulgences. I'm not indulging at the first sign of a bad day, to participate in eating rituals or to soothe myself. I can honestly say that today was a rough day, it was an emotional day, I shared a lot of my load today in hopes that someone can help lift the burden I am carrying for others...and I'm nervous. So my instinct right now as I'm writing is this is wrestling in my head with my 'self-soother' to convince me that I deserve to stop at the Buck tomorrow and treat myself to a carmel macchiato. NO, I don't need that. I will be just fine with my veggie egg bake for breakfast, I don't need that yummy dairy laden drink. I feel like I've pretty much convinced myself in the opposite direction and I will continue to fight that urge until I'm past the 3 Bucks I pass on the way to work.
I've been engaging my physical body, not it the most strenuous of workouts, but I have been walking...lots of miles at a time. It feels good. My body feels tired, exhausted. I want to push it, I desire more muscle. I have the tools, but I need to push, push past what is comfortable.
I found myself an amazing crew of friends who want to engage with meal prep with me, which makes it even easier to move forward and keep going. Knowing my family is working just as hard continues to spur me on to do and be my very best. Tomorrow is weigh in day, the end of day 10 and I can't wait to post my results.
What's ironic, is most of my life, when I have positive news to report or exciting things happening, rarely does it have to do with my health or my weight. Yet here is where I sit, with that very topic as the positive drive that's pulling me out of bed every morning.
So why am I here...wallowing in the depths...
Monday, January 7, 2013
Day 372: She works hard for the money, so hard for it honey
I work hard. I've been accused, praised, blamed, swayed, forced and chosen to work TOO hard most of the time. Most people think this is not a healthy way to live...but I feed off of chaos and being on the move constantly. I don't sit well, it's not in my blood. Though most mornings when I wake up I swear I could stay in bed for weeks and it wouldn't get old...then I get up. Once I'm up I can't imagine wasting my day sleeping when there is so much time in the day to accomplish some pretty amazing things. I don't want to let that potential slip away. That's time in the day to dream, love and do. All of my favorite things. The only problem with how hard I work is the lack of money that makes it way into my bank account...non-profit work is amazing for the heart and soul but difficult on the pocket-book. But I wouldn't change it for the world. My work feeds my soul, feeds my passion, feeds my heart and a lot of the time it feeds my stomach as well.
My work is what feeds me in the metaphoric sense, but I need to focus on what is feeding me literally, like nutrients, food, comida. I have been doing the Advocare system since October and been successful. So instead of making a New Years Resolution, something I usually quit after a month or two, I am going to make a life changing continuation of what I started months ago. I am going to add a few things and take a few things out of play. I will be taking myself on another 24 day challenge and then taking myself to a whole new level with the total transformation. I am beyond excited for the changes that are happening in my body and in my life as a result to the positive changes I am making. It has created a whole slew of positive changes I am seeking in my life.
But lets take a side track to talk about New Years Resolutions. I was discussing and poking fun at New Years Resolutions with some of the amazing people in my life today. Laughing about how crowded gyms, cross fit classes and greenlake are in the month of January. How annoying and frustrating that is for those people who access those places 12 months out of the year and not just for 2 months. That gyms gain almost 30% of their new memberships in the month of January and how many of those people work out for one month and then cancel their memberships. Now I laugh, poke fun and criticize...because I have been that person so many times. New Year, New You. How many companies/programs have used that slogan to drag me and other desperate fat people into their net? How many times has that slogan failed us? Too many to count and way more than I'd care to admit to. One friend of mine said today, "if you wanted to change your life, you could/should have done it already...you don't need to wait until the new year". I agree, I have wanted to change my life for years...shed my body of the fat suit I've been wearing. But I never wanted it enough, I wanted the initial and instant success and then when the going got tough...I got the hell out and went to the bakery. Ahhhh the magic that is consoling yourself with your favorite complex carbohydrates and sugared up delicacies. Then where was I?...right back where I started and most times fatter than where I started.
So...I'm not making any new years resolutions...I am committing to continue what I've started and continuing to surround myself with those people who are holding me accountable, that are pushing me to succeed, not allowing me to give up on myself, not allowing me to give up...again. I WANT this, I NEED this. Not only do I want this for me, I want this for the other women in my life, in my family. We are all addicted to soda...we have been consuming carbonated soda since we first came into contact with my mothers breast. I have been a diet coke addict since I was a baby, it flows through my veins, through our veins. I wonder if they have DCA, Diet Coke Anonymous? I have been Diet Coke free for 3 months, it feels amazing, but I can't say that it hasn't been hard. I was home for almost a week at Christmas and I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to pour myself a DC or run down to the corner store and get one. I caved twice and had a bottle of mexi-coke. It tasted great and I felt better about that choice then choosing DC. Since returning to Seattle, it's been easier to say no to it. I am getting used to 'sticking with water' when I go out and I am still acid reflux/heartburn free. I have been "free eating" for about a week and I definitely feel more lethargic and bloated. I am actually craving my clean meal plan. I have so much more energy, a desire to workout and as funny as it sounds, I move easier when I have the right nutrients in my body. I'm even more excited because the two other amazing women in my family have decided to challenge themselves right along with me. I am beyond elated, my heart is full and my expectations are HIGH! I cannot wait to share in this journey with them and watch them succeed.
My other BIG positive change that I am seeking...freedom from debt. I have accrued some debt in the form of credit card, student loan and car loans. Two of them I am ok with keeping and I'm sure you can guess which ones. I want to rid myself of credit card debt and store credit card debt. I want to say goodbye and never look back. My next positive life choice change will be eliminating unnecessary spending. I DO NOT need new clothes, I can imaginary shop for them on Pinterest. I have SO MANY CLOTHES, that I never wear, because I spend the majority of my days in yoga pants and Boys & Girls Club wear. My work uniform is easy, yet I continue to buy amazing complex clothing that I rarely get to wear. So...I am going to commit to necessities only (underwear, socks and pants that fit) for the next year. I look forward to fitting into a lot of the clothing that I have purchased and never worn. The big goal at the end of my debt freedom is taking on a mortgage. That's a debt that I can get on board with, because it means commitment and roots...two things I'm ready for. Spending will equal: Bills, Food (80% grocery), frugal Entertainment and frugal Travel. Will I go shopping with you? YES! Will I go to the movies with you? YES! Will I get pedicures? YES! I just need to be smarter about how I spend my money. Costco sucks the life out of my checking account on a regular basis because I NEED everything they sell there. Seriously...I do.
So...clean food, less money, more love. New Year....continuing to be Amazing ME!
My work is what feeds me in the metaphoric sense, but I need to focus on what is feeding me literally, like nutrients, food, comida. I have been doing the Advocare system since October and been successful. So instead of making a New Years Resolution, something I usually quit after a month or two, I am going to make a life changing continuation of what I started months ago. I am going to add a few things and take a few things out of play. I will be taking myself on another 24 day challenge and then taking myself to a whole new level with the total transformation. I am beyond excited for the changes that are happening in my body and in my life as a result to the positive changes I am making. It has created a whole slew of positive changes I am seeking in my life.
But lets take a side track to talk about New Years Resolutions. I was discussing and poking fun at New Years Resolutions with some of the amazing people in my life today. Laughing about how crowded gyms, cross fit classes and greenlake are in the month of January. How annoying and frustrating that is for those people who access those places 12 months out of the year and not just for 2 months. That gyms gain almost 30% of their new memberships in the month of January and how many of those people work out for one month and then cancel their memberships. Now I laugh, poke fun and criticize...because I have been that person so many times. New Year, New You. How many companies/programs have used that slogan to drag me and other desperate fat people into their net? How many times has that slogan failed us? Too many to count and way more than I'd care to admit to. One friend of mine said today, "if you wanted to change your life, you could/should have done it already...you don't need to wait until the new year". I agree, I have wanted to change my life for years...shed my body of the fat suit I've been wearing. But I never wanted it enough, I wanted the initial and instant success and then when the going got tough...I got the hell out and went to the bakery. Ahhhh the magic that is consoling yourself with your favorite complex carbohydrates and sugared up delicacies. Then where was I?...right back where I started and most times fatter than where I started.
So...I'm not making any new years resolutions...I am committing to continue what I've started and continuing to surround myself with those people who are holding me accountable, that are pushing me to succeed, not allowing me to give up on myself, not allowing me to give up...again. I WANT this, I NEED this. Not only do I want this for me, I want this for the other women in my life, in my family. We are all addicted to soda...we have been consuming carbonated soda since we first came into contact with my mothers breast. I have been a diet coke addict since I was a baby, it flows through my veins, through our veins. I wonder if they have DCA, Diet Coke Anonymous? I have been Diet Coke free for 3 months, it feels amazing, but I can't say that it hasn't been hard. I was home for almost a week at Christmas and I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to pour myself a DC or run down to the corner store and get one. I caved twice and had a bottle of mexi-coke. It tasted great and I felt better about that choice then choosing DC. Since returning to Seattle, it's been easier to say no to it. I am getting used to 'sticking with water' when I go out and I am still acid reflux/heartburn free. I have been "free eating" for about a week and I definitely feel more lethargic and bloated. I am actually craving my clean meal plan. I have so much more energy, a desire to workout and as funny as it sounds, I move easier when I have the right nutrients in my body. I'm even more excited because the two other amazing women in my family have decided to challenge themselves right along with me. I am beyond elated, my heart is full and my expectations are HIGH! I cannot wait to share in this journey with them and watch them succeed.
My other BIG positive change that I am seeking...freedom from debt. I have accrued some debt in the form of credit card, student loan and car loans. Two of them I am ok with keeping and I'm sure you can guess which ones. I want to rid myself of credit card debt and store credit card debt. I want to say goodbye and never look back. My next positive life choice change will be eliminating unnecessary spending. I DO NOT need new clothes, I can imaginary shop for them on Pinterest. I have SO MANY CLOTHES, that I never wear, because I spend the majority of my days in yoga pants and Boys & Girls Club wear. My work uniform is easy, yet I continue to buy amazing complex clothing that I rarely get to wear. So...I am going to commit to necessities only (underwear, socks and pants that fit) for the next year. I look forward to fitting into a lot of the clothing that I have purchased and never worn. The big goal at the end of my debt freedom is taking on a mortgage. That's a debt that I can get on board with, because it means commitment and roots...two things I'm ready for. Spending will equal: Bills, Food (80% grocery), frugal Entertainment and frugal Travel. Will I go shopping with you? YES! Will I go to the movies with you? YES! Will I get pedicures? YES! I just need to be smarter about how I spend my money. Costco sucks the life out of my checking account on a regular basis because I NEED everything they sell there. Seriously...I do.
So...clean food, less money, more love. New Year....continuing to be Amazing ME!
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Day 359: Talk is cheap, love is real
It's been almost a full year since I started my official open journey with myself and my eating issues, my weight issues, my life issues. It's been 174 days since my last post and as I go back and ready that last post I came to a conclusion...talk is cheap. I made a lot of statements in that post that rang very true and are still true to this day, but I also made some commitments, some of which I carried out and worked well....others, never started or failed soon after initial attempts were made. I promised not to be a stranger, to keep myself accountable and to post regularly so that I had a way to process. I failed at that, in epic proportions. I did process, with those in my life, but I didn't put down what was plaguing me and what I was dealing with on a daily basis. I have struggled, in so many different ways and as I look at my life, I know that my reality is that this will never change. I will always struggle. I have started quite a few different posts over the last few months, but deleted every one of them, some of them in my mind and some of them on paper. I have thought about so many different aspects of my weight that are hurtful, bothersome, uncomfortable and bring anger to my life. My reality is that I can't change the past, I can't change how others have treated or hurt me. I can process through it, I can seek reconciliation, I can seek healing and change in my own life. My expectations of others and situations continue to plague me, unrealistic is an understatement.
What I do know...love is real. Love from my man, my family, my friends, my community...that has not changed. I am in awe of their ability to love in spite of everything, in spite of me gaining weight and reaching an all time high of 303 pounds. I am in awe of their ability to encourage me as I promise to take better care of myself. They don't hound me, they don't criticize, they don't fault me. They love my humanity. They know that my heart is bigger than my stomach and that my capacity for love is what at times drives my appetite for food and for life. That as I struggle through the drastic changes in my professional life this year, I have eaten those unfortunate and hurtful transitions. That I have again made the commitment to others and not to myself. In my last post I faulted myself greatly for what a disgusting excuse for a human being I was because I could't figure out how to take care of myself. But I realized something over the last 6 months, that I care more about my heart and my capacity for love and life than I care for the capacity that my jeans have to hold my body. So...I gained weight...it came back...
Endurance is something I have though...I may give up for periods of time...but my drive and desire will inevitably resurface and this time it's because of my capacity for love. I desire to love my family, to support my family and to be an example for my family. Not just physically, but emotionally. I want to be an example for them in how I communicate, in how I love, in the choices I make, in the places I go and how I live my life as a whole. I want to see one of my immediate family members be cured of her disease, I want to be an example for her, that she can overcome, that she can do it, that she can step over that threshold and take charge of her life and her destiny. I want my other family member to continue to seek healing for her broken heart for her years of childhood pain that plague her into her adult life. I want to see her return to her former glory, to love herself enough to come back fully in her role in our lives. I want to see an extended family that is broken over the pain they have endured at the hands of a dying mother, to be reconciled and healed.
All of these things are possible. What do we need? LOVE, HONESTY, COMPASSION, COMMUNICATION. So many of life's issues could be solved using these four words and the actions that follow.
Now what does this all have to do with my weight? Everything. I have come to a few more conclusions as I struggle through this journey. I don't have control. I don't do well with free choice. I hate transition, it's hard. So...I've started with a new plan. I have started a new system. It comes with controlled choice. It comes with amazing helpful and supportive people that are personable, that have my phone number and seek to be in relationship with me. I started Advocare in October, right before Halloween. I figured that if I could survive through the holiday season and not gain weight, I could make it. I have done just that. I have lost 20 pounds and 23 inches since starting this system just before Halloween. If offers me things I need to succeed and these people believe that I can reach my goal in a just over a year, which has never been something I though possible. I discovered that on weight watchers, while I was successful, it left me with limitless free choice. If you want to save all your points and eat chocolate cake, you can. I know myself well enough now that I don't do well with free choice. I will always choose what is comforting to me in I have the choice and it's the overdosing of those choices that led me to 303 pounds. Yowza! So, while WW works for others, I realized it wasn't for me. I did extensive research on Advocare and talked to lots of different people before deciding to commit and even then, I was skeptical. But again, I believe...and this time I NEED this to work for me...because I need to pave this road for myself and for others. I have people in my life who need this...to cure pain and disease. I want to be the example, but first and foremost I want to succeed for me. This plan is re-training my body to desire food that feeds my body and I haven't felt sad to lose things or walk away. I have said good-bye to Diet Coke. I have been drinking Diet Coke since I was in the womb. I was a 6-8 can a day kinda girl. Over the last year it has caused me quite a bit of pain in the form of acid reflux. I have been Diet Coke/soda free since beginning Advocare and I haven't had heartburn or reflux even once. I feel cured, free from that bond that has had a hold of me my whole life.
I have yet to integrate regular work outs into my regime, but I want to rebuild muscle. I never returned to boxing, like promised. I let that Groupon waste away in my purse. I am working my way towards P90X. I have the system, I've done all the workouts, but now I need to do them regularly and with some kind of persistence to get the results I want. Time...it's what I have given myself as a gift. Transformation doesn't happen tomorrow, or the next day, but over time. Habits don't change over night, they change over time.
Being fit, staying a foodie, it's what I still desire for my life. My roller coaster hasn't stopped, I haven't gotten off. I don't know if I ever will. I think the car I am in has magical powers though as it has the ability to jump tracks and I am seemingly unharmed (at least in the physical sense). My roller coaster takes different focus as obstacles are thrown my way. I'm ok with that. The straight and narrow is boring, that's not me. I thrive on the ups and downs. They bring change and growth, something that is absolutely necessary in the life I lead, the lives we all lead.
Thank you to those of you who have never stopped loving me, who listen to my cheap talk and encourage, support and love me anyway. I know you will continue to do so, because I know your hearts and you know mine. I have so many other topics that I have started and stopped this year because of fear, transition, failure, conflict....they are coming....they still plague my thoughts and my heart.
Here is a photo update for you all that shows my progression since October when I again grabbed my health by the horns...
What I do know...love is real. Love from my man, my family, my friends, my community...that has not changed. I am in awe of their ability to love in spite of everything, in spite of me gaining weight and reaching an all time high of 303 pounds. I am in awe of their ability to encourage me as I promise to take better care of myself. They don't hound me, they don't criticize, they don't fault me. They love my humanity. They know that my heart is bigger than my stomach and that my capacity for love is what at times drives my appetite for food and for life. That as I struggle through the drastic changes in my professional life this year, I have eaten those unfortunate and hurtful transitions. That I have again made the commitment to others and not to myself. In my last post I faulted myself greatly for what a disgusting excuse for a human being I was because I could't figure out how to take care of myself. But I realized something over the last 6 months, that I care more about my heart and my capacity for love and life than I care for the capacity that my jeans have to hold my body. So...I gained weight...it came back...
Endurance is something I have though...I may give up for periods of time...but my drive and desire will inevitably resurface and this time it's because of my capacity for love. I desire to love my family, to support my family and to be an example for my family. Not just physically, but emotionally. I want to be an example for them in how I communicate, in how I love, in the choices I make, in the places I go and how I live my life as a whole. I want to see one of my immediate family members be cured of her disease, I want to be an example for her, that she can overcome, that she can do it, that she can step over that threshold and take charge of her life and her destiny. I want my other family member to continue to seek healing for her broken heart for her years of childhood pain that plague her into her adult life. I want to see her return to her former glory, to love herself enough to come back fully in her role in our lives. I want to see an extended family that is broken over the pain they have endured at the hands of a dying mother, to be reconciled and healed.
All of these things are possible. What do we need? LOVE, HONESTY, COMPASSION, COMMUNICATION. So many of life's issues could be solved using these four words and the actions that follow.
Now what does this all have to do with my weight? Everything. I have come to a few more conclusions as I struggle through this journey. I don't have control. I don't do well with free choice. I hate transition, it's hard. So...I've started with a new plan. I have started a new system. It comes with controlled choice. It comes with amazing helpful and supportive people that are personable, that have my phone number and seek to be in relationship with me. I started Advocare in October, right before Halloween. I figured that if I could survive through the holiday season and not gain weight, I could make it. I have done just that. I have lost 20 pounds and 23 inches since starting this system just before Halloween. If offers me things I need to succeed and these people believe that I can reach my goal in a just over a year, which has never been something I though possible. I discovered that on weight watchers, while I was successful, it left me with limitless free choice. If you want to save all your points and eat chocolate cake, you can. I know myself well enough now that I don't do well with free choice. I will always choose what is comforting to me in I have the choice and it's the overdosing of those choices that led me to 303 pounds. Yowza! So, while WW works for others, I realized it wasn't for me. I did extensive research on Advocare and talked to lots of different people before deciding to commit and even then, I was skeptical. But again, I believe...and this time I NEED this to work for me...because I need to pave this road for myself and for others. I have people in my life who need this...to cure pain and disease. I want to be the example, but first and foremost I want to succeed for me. This plan is re-training my body to desire food that feeds my body and I haven't felt sad to lose things or walk away. I have said good-bye to Diet Coke. I have been drinking Diet Coke since I was in the womb. I was a 6-8 can a day kinda girl. Over the last year it has caused me quite a bit of pain in the form of acid reflux. I have been Diet Coke/soda free since beginning Advocare and I haven't had heartburn or reflux even once. I feel cured, free from that bond that has had a hold of me my whole life.
I have yet to integrate regular work outs into my regime, but I want to rebuild muscle. I never returned to boxing, like promised. I let that Groupon waste away in my purse. I am working my way towards P90X. I have the system, I've done all the workouts, but now I need to do them regularly and with some kind of persistence to get the results I want. Time...it's what I have given myself as a gift. Transformation doesn't happen tomorrow, or the next day, but over time. Habits don't change over night, they change over time.
Being fit, staying a foodie, it's what I still desire for my life. My roller coaster hasn't stopped, I haven't gotten off. I don't know if I ever will. I think the car I am in has magical powers though as it has the ability to jump tracks and I am seemingly unharmed (at least in the physical sense). My roller coaster takes different focus as obstacles are thrown my way. I'm ok with that. The straight and narrow is boring, that's not me. I thrive on the ups and downs. They bring change and growth, something that is absolutely necessary in the life I lead, the lives we all lead.
Thank you to those of you who have never stopped loving me, who listen to my cheap talk and encourage, support and love me anyway. I know you will continue to do so, because I know your hearts and you know mine. I have so many other topics that I have started and stopped this year because of fear, transition, failure, conflict....they are coming....they still plague my thoughts and my heart.
Here is a photo update for you all that shows my progression since October when I again grabbed my health by the horns...
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Day 185: Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....
My body is an distorted hideous and unloveable shape right now. I'm bloated and fat again in all the wrong places. This statement is why you haven't heard from me in 67 days. How do I live with myself? How do I continue to fail? How do I let my emotions send me into a tailspin and then convince myself that I should just stay down for awhile instead of fighting my way back up?
Disappointment. I had a quick conviction and went on a "no-carb" for 30 days stint. I made it a few weeks and did pretty well, but then I left myself go. I gave myself reasons to say YES to every request that came my way, to every food ritual invite, to every extra hour of work and in turn gave my emotions and my brain the NO. No I won't take care of you, no I won't get enough sleep, no I will not work out, no I will not heed your cry to stop consuming the copious amounts of carbs, sugar and caffeine I dumped into my body. So with my disappointment in myself came embarrassment and then retreat. I retreated from this blog, from my WW meetings, from my accountability and from my schedule of all things healthy.
I don't know what to say, I know I don't need to apologize to bloggerville, but I need to apologize to myself. The only person I hurt in my failures is myself. My friends still love me, my man still holds me and no one has disowned me or told me what a fat disgusting pig I have become. I'm the only one who wants to disown me and call myself those nasty names. So...I'm sorry Alison. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry that in your 31st year of life, you continue to ride this roller coaster of weight gain and loss. I'm sorry that you allow your emotions to control what jumps into your mouth.
I need a reality check. I've been doing some processing and trying to figure out why this happens, what is it that gets the best of me? How come I keep standing in my own way? I realized that when I started to let myself spiral down instead of fighting through the doubt and setbacks, was around day 130 when I was invited to come share my story at my alma matter, SPU. I was asked to speak on suicide, to help educate others with my experience. It was draining, I relived the day my brother died, the days before he died and the 9 years that have come after. What have I gone through? How have I been supported? What have you learned from this experience? What do you want to share with others. I cried, I sobbed, I poured my life out. It took awhile to recover from that. It's been awhile since I went that deep and I had never relived that experience in front of a group of people. Death never leaves us, it lives as a whole the shape of that person in our hearts. Nothing can ever fill it, replace it, only one person is that shape and size. So I experience grief, death and mourning as part of my daily life. But extreme and deep emotional episodes are spread farther apart as life continues moving. I am stunned when they come around and I use them as an excuse to cope with food. If someone asked me to write a book on coping with food, it would be a best seller.
I've been trying to figure out what will keep me on track. What workout have I stayed committed to longer than 4 months? What type of accountability do I need? What food regime works best for me? I know a few things and I'm going to stick with those for now. I love hitting things, I love kicking things. I love boxing. I trained to be a competitive kick boxer for over a year and a half and in the end my work schedule and the commute to my boxing gym refused to work with each other, so I left it behind to succeed at work and take things to the next level. I'm at a place now where I can take some steps back from the intense work regime I have kept over the last 6 years, so I want to box again. I found a gym that is close to me and their schedule works with mine. And to top it all off, I got a Groupon that will get me my first 10 sessions for cheap! I need accountability, so I have schemed up with one of my favorite people for some email accountability in the form of honest question asking. We come up with the questions and it's the other persons job to ask us those questions on a weekly basis. This way I am honest with myself and with another person about where I'm at and what I'm doing to keep myself in line. Knowing that the other person is there to support me no matter what. My food intake is something I need to get ahold of. I know that strict deprivation is not a good idea for me. I know that strictly abstaining from certain food groups only makes me want them more and as a result I cheat. I don't want to cheat myself. I want to succeed.
All of these things I've said before, I want change, I want a better life for myself. I said it when I started this blog and I'm sure that this won't be the last time I say that. I need to be ok with saying NO, saying YES has always come so easy to me. I'm always willing to put in extra time and go the extra mile, that's what's gotten me this far in life. If I put as much YES into myself as I do other things and other people, I'd be a frickin super model by now. Cindy Crawford here I come!
I promise not to be a stranger, this is therapeutic for me and I need to remember that.
Disappointment. I had a quick conviction and went on a "no-carb" for 30 days stint. I made it a few weeks and did pretty well, but then I left myself go. I gave myself reasons to say YES to every request that came my way, to every food ritual invite, to every extra hour of work and in turn gave my emotions and my brain the NO. No I won't take care of you, no I won't get enough sleep, no I will not work out, no I will not heed your cry to stop consuming the copious amounts of carbs, sugar and caffeine I dumped into my body. So with my disappointment in myself came embarrassment and then retreat. I retreated from this blog, from my WW meetings, from my accountability and from my schedule of all things healthy.
I don't know what to say, I know I don't need to apologize to bloggerville, but I need to apologize to myself. The only person I hurt in my failures is myself. My friends still love me, my man still holds me and no one has disowned me or told me what a fat disgusting pig I have become. I'm the only one who wants to disown me and call myself those nasty names. So...I'm sorry Alison. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry that in your 31st year of life, you continue to ride this roller coaster of weight gain and loss. I'm sorry that you allow your emotions to control what jumps into your mouth.
I need a reality check. I've been doing some processing and trying to figure out why this happens, what is it that gets the best of me? How come I keep standing in my own way? I realized that when I started to let myself spiral down instead of fighting through the doubt and setbacks, was around day 130 when I was invited to come share my story at my alma matter, SPU. I was asked to speak on suicide, to help educate others with my experience. It was draining, I relived the day my brother died, the days before he died and the 9 years that have come after. What have I gone through? How have I been supported? What have you learned from this experience? What do you want to share with others. I cried, I sobbed, I poured my life out. It took awhile to recover from that. It's been awhile since I went that deep and I had never relived that experience in front of a group of people. Death never leaves us, it lives as a whole the shape of that person in our hearts. Nothing can ever fill it, replace it, only one person is that shape and size. So I experience grief, death and mourning as part of my daily life. But extreme and deep emotional episodes are spread farther apart as life continues moving. I am stunned when they come around and I use them as an excuse to cope with food. If someone asked me to write a book on coping with food, it would be a best seller.
I've been trying to figure out what will keep me on track. What workout have I stayed committed to longer than 4 months? What type of accountability do I need? What food regime works best for me? I know a few things and I'm going to stick with those for now. I love hitting things, I love kicking things. I love boxing. I trained to be a competitive kick boxer for over a year and a half and in the end my work schedule and the commute to my boxing gym refused to work with each other, so I left it behind to succeed at work and take things to the next level. I'm at a place now where I can take some steps back from the intense work regime I have kept over the last 6 years, so I want to box again. I found a gym that is close to me and their schedule works with mine. And to top it all off, I got a Groupon that will get me my first 10 sessions for cheap! I need accountability, so I have schemed up with one of my favorite people for some email accountability in the form of honest question asking. We come up with the questions and it's the other persons job to ask us those questions on a weekly basis. This way I am honest with myself and with another person about where I'm at and what I'm doing to keep myself in line. Knowing that the other person is there to support me no matter what. My food intake is something I need to get ahold of. I know that strict deprivation is not a good idea for me. I know that strictly abstaining from certain food groups only makes me want them more and as a result I cheat. I don't want to cheat myself. I want to succeed.
All of these things I've said before, I want change, I want a better life for myself. I said it when I started this blog and I'm sure that this won't be the last time I say that. I need to be ok with saying NO, saying YES has always come so easy to me. I'm always willing to put in extra time and go the extra mile, that's what's gotten me this far in life. If I put as much YES into myself as I do other things and other people, I'd be a frickin super model by now. Cindy Crawford here I come!
I promise not to be a stranger, this is therapeutic for me and I need to remember that.
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